'is the glass half full or empty? i ask her as i fill it. she said, it doesn't really matter; pretty soon, you're bound to spill it....' (indigo girls)

i am the personification of my blog title right now. i have had an intermittent, but persistent, headache for the last several days. it's wearing me down. thankfully, it managed to relent long enough for me to get up before dawn even cracked and drive amy to the airport 90 minutes away....oy....then i came home, slept for an hour and a half, got up, showered, and drove to monty county for church. tired. so very tired. but at least the headache didn't return until i arrived back in charm city. God is merciful to me....

i was realizing on my drive back home this afternoon just how much i still have this incessant need to control things. i hate that. and along with that need to control comes a lot of anxiety when things don't go the way i think they should. and yet, sometimes i am still able to trust God even despite circumstances. what an odd juxtaposition: faith in Christ and reliance on myself. i am a walking paradox most days....

here's the question i'm throwing around in my head: what does it really mean to be a woman? i know that, technically, i am a female, but i don't think i'm 'in touch' with my womanhood. i find that, within the church especially, femininity is equated with domesticity; that is a mere facet of the woman experience. there HAS to be more. i refuse to agree that God created us to be these simplistic creatures who exist solely to dress prettily, raise children, and cook a mean dinner. not that there is anything wrong with these things, mind you.....but i want to get at the meat of the matter....less of the traditions and more of how this applies to me as an individual....and not just how i will do the things that are set aside for me to do, but how i will regard myself as female. in truth, it's all about the world that exists inside my mind and heart; the external should be simply an expression of what is internal.....

anyway, more on this later....i need to relax for a bit. need to gain some perspective on my existence through prayer and quiet contemplation....

some day i will emerge....