in between asleep and more asleep

last night i dreamed about contingency plans and ideas gone awry. it was like one thing after another spiraling out of control. and in the middle of it, i had this very lucid thought that it was not unlike my waking life.

hmm.

the disconnect

some days i forget who i am, i think. i get up, i shower, get dressed, go to work, come home, and try to stay awake until bedtime. wash, rinse, repeat. every day feels the same as the last and before i know it, two months...two years...are gone.

so the question i'm constantly asking myself (yet feeling too tired to answer, it seems) is this: how do i keep being me while dealing with the demands of the rest of life?  how do i make the time to write and cook and sing and do the things that make me happy when i feel so freaking tired all the time?

i'm starting to wonder if i should abandon electronics for the next six months in order to get more in touch with my surroundings. but then as soon as i think that, i realize how some days my only connection with the outside world is through facebook or e-mail or a simple text message. it would be like cutting off my oxygen, right?... right?

i don't know anymore. i really don't.

there are wonderful things about the internet, cable tv, ipods, smart phones, and the like, but they also serve to distract and suck me into a vortex and keep me at arms' length. even from myself.

there must be balance. somewhere in between the vortex and utter techno-avoidance is where i want to fall, ultimately. now if i can just figure out how to make that work, i'll be getting somewhere....