recent discovery: 64 west just outside of short pump, va smells like country ham after 10 pm

last night i went to visit a friend i haven't seen in about a year. he's settled himself into a nice little apartment in charlottesville, virginia, and is about to start on his, like, 100th graduate degree (ok, clearly i'm exaggerating, but i'm telling you - THIS guy is an academic of the truest form!). it was good to see him -- better, still, to get away for awhile. i'm finding this time in richmond to be a bit intense. i had a conversation with my mom the other night that unsettled me, frankly, and i'm still not 100% sure what to do about it. i guess i'm just frustrated when i feel that i'm not being taken seriously. that was one of my big 'issues' as a kid -- i often felt like my feelings were looked at as being evidence of melodrama (this was a word thrown around in my family quite often, in fact). so what did i do? i learned to build walls....perhaps i should apply for a job as a bricklayer. i certainly know how to do that -- at least when it comes to laying down foundations of emotional baggage.

a long time ago, i vowed that when i have children, i'm going to listen to them; i want to be a parent who is interested in who the little people are that live in my house -- in what they think, in what makes them smile or cry or scared or angry....i want them to understand that they are KNOWN.

hear me: i'm not saying this purely out of complaint, but at the same time, i cannot ignore what happens (and has happened) in front of my face. memo to the world: i cannot and will not be put into a box. so if you're contemplating trying to put me into one, please refrain. or, at the least, if you are unable to cease and desist such narrowing behavior, please do not attempt to befriend me in any way. i don't care what you think of me, but please keep it to yourself.

okay, i'm done with the soapbox. please forgive me, reader. sometimes i have moments of lecturing that fly out of my face without warning. i will try to be more careful in the future:). i am certain, however, that anyone reading this knows how frustrating and completely undermining it is to have people disregard your feelings/actions/very essence of who you are as being somehow invalid, silly, or 'wrong'. we've all been labeled. go on....peel yours off and throw it away. i only want to be associated with one thing, anyway....with one person. the only One who matters.

the One who knows me and created me -- feelings and all. somehow i think that He, of all people, knows what it's like to be misunderstood, scorned, and rejected....and really, He's the only One who can fix this whole mess that is my life....and above all, He, and only He, has the right to mark me in any way. but even in His labeling, it's all for my good and for God's honor....

here's a pen, Lord. write what You will....