'the law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul....'

today i watched a movie about a woman with schizophrenia. it got me thinking about how the mind deals with the things that happen in life. some people, as a result of trauma, break apart into so many different individuals, it becomes hard to keep track of them. others argue with the voices in their heads. some become habitual liars, thieves, alcoholics, sex addicts, wife beaters, compulsive house-cleaners, nit-pickers...the list goes on and on. and we've all got our own little 'things' that we do to deal with whatever's going on inside us. all the roles we play, all the avoidance tactics we employ so that no one else will know how we really feel, what scares us, what hurts us at the core....we attempt to hide not just from ourselves, but from God....a futile effort to escape the revealing light of Christ unto the world...the light that broke into the darkness that is ourselves.....but in that revelation - at the foot of the Cross of Christ - all the crap we walk around carrying falls to the ground...because one cannot come to truly partake of God's wondrous gift while weighed down with human baggage.....practically speaking, how can i even begin to receive if my hands are already full?

'the statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple....'

a year ago, i made a difficult decision to leave the church i had been attending. it was truly heart-breaking for me...i felt as though i had left a relationship. and it took me a long time - almost a year - until i found another church about which i felt 'right'. part of the reason that the process was so slow for me was that i had realized how truly bogged down i had gotten in surface living. i was desperately trying so hard to keep everything afloat that it felt like work to worship God...and i was constantly under pressure to 'perform' my Christianity out of fear of being recognized for falling behind. it became too much. i felt as though i had added a few heavy carry-ons filled with useless items....and i didn't have anyone to help me lug all of my baggage around. my hands were not open; i had stopped expecting anything from God anymore.

'the precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart....'

but God, in His mercy, helped me through that hard decision and the winds slowly began to change. after awhile, it became easier to explain my situation to others....i began to hear God's voice again in my life....began to pray out of a desire to meet with Him rather than some kind of guilt-driven obligation....began once more to receive from His word in a way that spoke to the depths of me....began to feel my loosening grasp on my emotional suitcases and other weighing-me-down kind of items.....and i made a silent pledge to God one night that i didn't want to live any longer under the dictatorship of modern Christian culture but instead wanted to live a more authentic life - one characterized by saying what i think, dealing with my actual emotions instead of what i 'could', 'should' and 'ought to' be feeling, and letting God take the lead and steer my life where He wanted it to go.

'the commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes....'

where did this lead me? down a road i never thought i'd travel....a path blocked off by signs i erected so many years ago....a trail that had long-since become obscured and grown-over with weeds, gnarls, and generally uninviting vegetation. it is the hardest and narrowest road...and the most frightening...but it is the only path that will lead to freedom from myself. and along the way, God has graciously planted houses whose lights are left on for me at night - places i can come in and rest and be myself for awhile....where i find friends who have helped me unpack my bags and even sometimes leave them behind. and i am learning, day by day, to shed my defenses, admit and face my fears, cease from hiding behind my former tendencies and the walls that i had built in my childhood. a lot of people would look at the things i'm doing and think that i must have a lot of inner strength. please hear my emphatic, 'NO!' that's not it....it's not ME who's strong - it's the One who inhabits me, He who is greater than any in all of creation.

'the fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever....'

the day to day life i lead is not easy right now. but my desire is to see God reflected in all of the things that i do...in all of the ways that i am changing. in my times of solitude, i often find myself praying and singing an old hymn that i've known for years and years:

God, be in my head, and in my understanding;
God, be in mine eyes, and in my looking;
God, be in my mouth, and in my speaking;
God, be in my heart, and in my thinking;
God, be at mine end and at my departing.
(words: Sarum Primer, 1538)

Lord, thank You for being strong in me, one who is so weak. there's simply no way down this road without You leading me. thank You that i don't have to hide behind man-made defenses, but that You are my defender and the stronghold of my life. thank You for keeping my mind from going haywire. thank You that my heart is still pierced by Your truth and beauty, even though it's hard to feel anything sometimes. You deserve all the honor because You alone have sustained my very life. my prayer today, and always, is this, dear God:

'may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.'
(ps. 19:14 & vs. 7-9 throughout)