my heart hurts. there's no getting around it. i don't even want to pretend that it doesn't. and it's been pouring tonight. storming violently. i looked out the window just as it was getting dark and saw black, churning clouds overhead. for a moment, i thought i was looking inside myself....

what i want to do is cry. a lot. i'm frustrated by words that won't surface....a deep-seated wound that has yet to be healed....an emotional cancer that needs to be routed out, pulled from its hiding place by the roots. sometimes it's just too difficult to be...too hard to walk around in my skin....too much like death...everything feels like drudgery and it's nothing short of heartache to make another person understand what i mean, how i feel. i KNOW that i'm not alone, but sometimes it really does feel that way.

think counting crows, circa 1993:

raining in baltimore

this circus is falling down on its knees
the big top is crumbling down
it's raining in baltimore fifty miles east
where you should be, no one's around

i need a phone call
i need a raincoat
i need a big love
i need a phone call

these train conversations are passing me by
and i don't have nothing to say
you get what you pay for
but i just had no intention of living this way

i need a phone call
i need a plane ride
i need a sunburn
i need a raincoat

and i get no answers
and i don't get no change
it's raining in baltimore, baby
but everything else is the same

there's things i remember and things i forget
i miss you
i guess that I should
three thousand five hundred miles away
but what would you change if you could?

i need a phone call
maybe i should buy a new car
i can always hear a freight train
if i listen real hard
and I wish it was a small world
because i'm lonely for the big towns
i'd like to hear a little guitar
i think it's time to put the top down

i need a phone call
i need a raincoat

adam duritz rocks my world sometimes....

i miss amy lynn perbeck and long talks about what life will be like if and when we ever grow up....i miss hanging out with nigel under the stars, driving around until all hours singing along with the indigo girls until i lose my voice....i miss feeling like i was headed somewhere....

and yet those were the days that i was hiding behind myself....and i vowed never to do that again. i promised myself months ago that i wouldn't keep quiet....that i would scream from the inside until someone else heard me. i think i'm almost surfacing. i'm about to lose my mind....