breathe in. breathe out.

it's monday all over again, and this rainy, foggy day has brought with it a true mixture of all things human.

first, a bit of sad news....it's taken me a few days to process this, but eva markvoort, the author of one of the blogs i've read faithfully for some time, passed away this past saturday after a long and inspiring journey with cystic fibrosis.

this girl was just a light to the world; there is no getting around it. she was one of those people God sends to earth to remind the rest of us how much of the good stuff we're missing on a daily basis. her joy was infectious, and i found myself feeling almost jealous of her family and friends for getting to hang out with her. couldn't we all use more than a little 'eva' in our daily lives??

for anyone who needs a reality check, i would encourage you to go back and peruse some of her writings...to think about all this girl went through and how she did it with so much grace and honesty. really, it's staggering.

she hoped for a legacy, and based on the number of people who have been touched by her life and the way she lived and loved and gave of herself, i'd say she more than accomplished that.

aside from the sorrow of eva's passing, i was also given a gift today of getting to spend the early evening with a dear friend and colleague. we share so many commonalities, and she is so nurturing and caring (and just a great, great person), it's a true blessing to get to work with her on a regular basis. over dinner, we had some really nourishing conversation—well beyond the meaningless chit-chat that plagues so many social interactions. i left feeling refreshed and thankful...and hopeful for the next time she's in town so we can visit again!

it seems that so many people i know are making great strides in their lives these days...shifting priorities and taking steps forward. it's inspiring, really, and it sets into sharper relief the unwillingness of others to make a decision to live out their truth—no matter what it is.

life is really such a fleeting thing....

now, i know that one could look at that statement from a 'glass-half-empty' type of perspective, but i choose to see it as a rare and precious opportunity to make different choices. to right the wrongs. to say 'i love you.' to try and fail and try again. to take bigger risks and stretch the boundaries of what makes you comfortable. to jump off that ledge, trusting that the net will be there to catch you.

there are a limited number of breaths left in this life. and some of us, like eva, aren't even given the ability to take those breaths without great effort and sacrifice. for me, there is no excuse not to breathe life in deeply...no excuse to live anything other than my best life...no time to live it without meaning and purpose. and the same holds true for us all.

so, eva, with thanks in my heart for all that you've taught me, this next deep breath is just for you:)....

'all my bags are packed; i'm ready to go'...well, almost

the day is fast approaching when i will bid farewell to my humble abode and take up residence in a 'dee-luxe apartment in the skyyyyyy' (a.k.a. downtown high-rise). i've scheduled the mover, reserved the loading dock at the new place, signed my lease, and packed up about half my stuff so far, and next weekend, my mom will come to help me mostly finish the job. times, they are a-changin', and despite the risks and unknowns, i feel largely good about it.

i've never handled goodbyes very well, though, i admit. i'm a nostalgic soul, and my heart has always yearned to make and keep connections. even though i'm feeling very ready to move on from this place i've called home for the last 6 1/2 years, there is a part of me that will miss the quirky little things about this place, and i'm sure when i close the front door for the final time, i'll feel that all-too-familiar pull.

when i was a kid, we moved around more than i would have liked, and although my adult mind can understand now why, at times, that was a necessity, my kid brain comprehended it as a complete affront to all that i knew. i remember throwing a veritable temper tantrum when one of our old houses was being shown to a potential buyer (who, i think, wound up taking the place). i remember feeling VERY territorial and downright hostile to the family, because i could not bear the thought of someone else sleeping in. my. room!

and then, when we left another house, as soon as i got my driver's license, i would periodically take drives over there to see what they had done to the place and, again, felt a pang of hurt when i realized that they had taken my blue bedroom and turned it yellow. yellow! because although it wasn't my room anymore, a part of me had laid claim on that place and forevermore, it would somehow belong to me, no matter who owned it.

i realized some years later that that was me trying to establish something for myself...to take some control where i never felt i had any.

as an adult, i've made a lot of decisions—some of them good, some of them bad, ALL of them mine. and at the end of the day, whether my sense of what was right and true led me down a path, or whether fear dictated my steps, the choices were mine alone, and the fact that i made them, over and over, and faced their consequences, began to help me feel like i didn't NEED to control everything.

and this decision to move now is a kind of final step in that process. i am stepping back into the unknown because i need to have things NOT be in control for awhile...not be predictable....but the difference is that it's my choice to walk to the edge and step off, knowing that God has ordered my steps. in the end, i don't have to fear the unknown because He's already in it. what's more, i don't have to make any desperate grasps at holding onto something that doesn't belong to me just so i can feel safe. i choose to hold it all with an open hand and let it be what it will be.

so, in three weeks, i will close one door and walk through the open one in front of me. i don't know what the next year of my life will bring, or what adventures i'll have, but that's okay. and although this goodbye may be bittersweet, i won't resist its coming. in fact, i think i'm ready for it.

actually, i know i am....

moving on?

this has been a brutal winter, filled with much frozen precip, leaking windows, scratched-up paint and flat tires, and failed efforts to get to the gym. and now, as winter's end seems more and more likely each day, that also means that i've lived in my current apartment for the last six and a half years—longer, in fact, than i've ever lived anywhere in my whole life. methinks it's time for a change.

bottom line: since the last snowstorm, i've been apartment shopping online, and yesterday i went to see a place downtown. i'm not gonna lie: it would be a bit of a stretch financially, but this place is SUPER convenient to work and fun city attractions, and, what's more, it has one location of the gym i belong to RIGHT INSIDE the building! needless to say, i was ridiculously happy when i discovered this. plus, it would cut my commute in about a third, and i would save mucho bucks on gas not sitting in traffic and not having to drive to and from the gym after or before work and on weekends. i'm waiting for a couple of things to be confirmed this week, and if all goes well, i'm going for it.

i admit i'm a little uneasy about giving up a month-to-month lease and having to pack ALL my stuff up again and pay someone to transport it to the new location (i am too old and too without young male friends to try and move myself), but the thought of being back downtown in a charming neighborhood, close to so many shops, restaurants, and the place where i spend at least 40 hours per week makes me more than a little happy.

here's to new (and hopefully better) things ahead.

FYI

hi internets,

i'm not dead or buried under a 6-foot snowdrift. i just haven't written here in awhile (this is not a shocker to most of you). but i have some news...just a little bit: i started another blog (that, again, not shockingly, i do not update super often) that chronicles my food journey and recipes i've concocted to prevent myself from going completely batty.

so, if you're interested, here's the link: http://heres-the-skinny.blogspot.com/

in other news, it's done nothing but snow for the last week, and i've been trapped in the house since thursday, february 4. wow, i can't believe i just typed that, since today is the 15th!! in truth, i got my car out this weekend, but i haven't been out again since saturday because i've been dealing with a persistent leak in my living room (all that snow has to go somewhere, i guess) for which i FINALLY got some attention from my rental office today. anyway, here's bella, stuck under a HUGE pile of the white stuff last week:

and here's the huge snowdrift that was up to my waist when i stepped into it:

at least i got major cardio from shoveling, shoveling, and more shoveling!!

when's spring coming, again??

bienvenue à 2010 et bon appétit!

as this first day of a new year and new decade has worn on, i feel somehow more and more hopeful for this next chapter in my life. i'm not sure why, really, because i've gotten nothing done today, per se, but i've been thinking about all there IS to do...all i COULD be doing...and that has me feeling excited. plus, i'm drinking a chai latte from my keurig, and can i just say? hot bevs in an instant just thrill me!

in all seriousness, i've been spending the better part of the last hour perusing all my new cookbooks (between christmas and some serious discount shopping, i've scored a total of 10, i think!), most of which have a focus on healthful living and eating—from the simplest of preparations to the somewhat more gourmet.

i've never really used a lot of recipes (except for baking, when one must be precise), with the majority of my cooking being a fusion of stuff i've read, seen on tv, and thought about while staring blankly into my kitchen cabinets. but what i do love are COOKBOOKS and all the inspiration they bring to my culinary adventures. and i'm thinking strongly about switching things up a little—about actually using some of these volumes to help plan my meals for the year ahead.

and speaking of meal planning, i need to go strategize for a brunch i'm throwing tomorrow morning and tidy up my apartment, which looks like some sort of tornado has blown through it. here's to a year of eating well and being prepared for whatever adventure (culinary or otherwise) comes my way!

'is it worth it, let me work it....' (a.k.a. thoughts on the coming year)

it's the last day of 2009 and i'm resisting the urge to review. of course it's natural to think back on the year and ponder all the good, the bad, and the ugly, but really, this new year's eve, my heart is looking forward. i'm actually just ready for 2009 to become a series of memories so that i can forge ahead into what's next.

here are (some of) the reasons why....

1. i have some fitness and weight loss goals that i want to bring about. no time like the present to get moving!
2. i have a stack of books that are calling my name, just waiting to be read.
3. i have fun plans on the horizon in less than a month.
4. i have lots of new cookbooks to peruse and use as inspiration to create fun, healthful meals.
5. there's always the possibility of professional growth and new opportunities. at the very least, i still have a great job, and i'm super thankful for that.
6. i have some beautiful people in my life, and some of the ones who are far away, i may even get to see this year. that makes me sublimely happy.

there are probably a million more reasons, but the bottom line is this: tomorrow holds promises that today could not fulfill, and i'm ready for what lies ahead...not just what will come to me but what i can and will bring about by my hard work and dedication.

i'm well aware that some of my dreams may not come easily, but where's the satisfaction in having life handed to you like some type of freebie? putting in hard work means that, at the end of the journey, you understand the worth of what you have.

and me? i'm ready to have it all. so let's get to work!

happy 2010, everyone. may this year knock your socks off!

on the eve

it's december 24 and i'm working. i've just eaten a lackluster salad from whole foods and am contemplating how proud i am for NOT buying any treats from the chocolatier next door to my office. in fact, i'm strongly considering heading to the gym for a quick workout before returning home to my parents. i feel the need to get moving....

this morning has been highly productive workwise; while revising and formatting a doc, i was listening to the festival of lessons and carols from kings college, cambridge. what a flood of memories i always get when hearing those crisp, clear tones and robust, harmonically rich refrains. it makes me think of being a child and sitting in the pew on christmas eve, waiting for the moment at the end of the midnight service when we all lit our candles and quietly sang 'silent night' as the clock struck midnight. and even though we were so far from bethlehem, i couldn't help but feeling that 'the hopes and fears of ALL the years' were present in those simple lyrics, sung in a dark church by hundreds of voices, united in one moment of peaceful acknowledgement.

so much has changed since then about my life, but much inside of me...of what i want and who i am...is still the same. i have walked a rocky path, again and again, to that manger to see what God has placed there. and many times i have failed to follow that star in the east (or the one inside my heart) and have tried to walk my own road, on my own terms. but the truth is that no matter where i wander, the mystery and wonder of this time always bring me back to that child...to the reason He came....to the reason He died. and i cannot help but feel so grateful for all the chances i have to rise and fall, to trip and veer and stray....and to come back home again.

i hope tonight to go with my parents and sit in another pew and sing those songs and pray those prayers i've known nearly my whole life. and although december 25 may not mark the actual day of Jesus's entrance into the world, i'm thankful to have this time to spend with those i love, to sit and reflect on all that His life and sacrifice have meant to me, and to thank God for the gift of music, of peace, of good friends, and of second (and third, and fourth, etc.) chances.

and to whoever you are who may be reading this, may you be reminded that there is always a chance to turn toward a new and better life, toward a new way of thinking and being, toward forgiveness for yourself and others. may the knowledge of this gift flood your heart this day...and always....

working it out

tonight i am celebrating. you may be thinking it's a monday, sarah. what could you possibly have to celebrate on a MONDAY?

well, that's a valid question, but here's the thing (two things, really): 1) i'm finally nearly over the bronchitis that i contracted over thanksgiving week this year that rendered me positively immovable when i visited my parents the weekend before and 2) because of #1, i was able to get myself back to the gym tonight where i ROCKED the elliptical. i must give a serious shout-out to blackalicious, whose tunes and rhymes gave me the vibe to keep on movin until the time on the machine ran out.

all of this effort is to the end of participating in the journey i've been on since this summer to change my physical body once and for freaking all. i've talked about it before, here and there, and know that i had to get through a lot of emotional baggage before i'd even be ready to consider such a venture, but i've done the work on my heart and mind, and i was just waiting to be ready to tackle this. in the past, my efforts have been stalled due to some combination of illness and self-sabotage (the latter usually because of some romantic endeavor that wound up falling flat anyway). this time, however, i feel different. for one thing, i've kept this thing up for about 6 months now, so it's much more a way of life than it is a 'diet', and despite minor setbacks (such as the aforementioned bronchitis and the afore-aforementioned case of the SHINGLES), i am making progress, little by little. i have a support system in place, a plan to get me where i want to go, and sheer determination, the grace of God, and a hope for a better life to drive me.

so tonight, when i went back to the gym after my two-week period away, i was reminding myself that you can do this, girl. keep the machine moving. keep choosing your dreams. keep your head up and remember that no one has given this to you. this is the gift you give yourself. and you deserve it.

and i know that i do. i really, really do.

turkey eve

i'm on a week hiatus from work (using up the old vacation time) and in order to pass the hours of what would surely have been boredom (ha!), i concocted a nice little upper respiratory infection that has knocked the (literal) wind out of me. i swear, sometimes it feels like i can't catch a break, and one of those times has been this entire SEASON.

first it was a bad sinus infection in late summer, then the shingles in early fall, and now a major case of bronchitis before turkey day. i hereby declare that NO MORE DISEASE is allowed to cross my doorstep for the foreseeable future. do you hear me? because i mean it this time, and when i get a bee in my bonnet, it's best not to cross me.

:)

now then, since i have some 'extra' time on my hands spent wrapped up in blankets and pjs, i'm watching all my DVRed episodes of oprah and mentally plotting what christmas cookies i want to bake this year. (a dear friend informed me that i was to get on a big batch of pecan tassies post haste or there would be hell to pay. methinks she's onto something.) tomorrow i hope to share the day of thanks with salimah and her fam—if i can drag my sorry butt off the couch and put on a little makeup and some real clothes—because nothing says turkey day like some semi-drunken game playing, blackmail videos of salimah's sister dancing with the dog, uproarious laughter (my side!), and liquored up sweet potato pie. and i'm not even doing any cooking this year!

my motto for tomorrow (and every day, really): don't let the turkeys get you down. truer words, people....truer words....

musings from an (un?)seasonably cold saturday morning

so here's the deal: i'm frustrated with myself. sure, i could pinpoint any number of piddly little reasons, but there's one big one that's been making me kick myself for a couple of weeks now. and the thing that's most annoying? i only have SOME control over it (in other words, i'm pseudo pissed at myself for something i can't entirely do something about. makes sense, no?). oh girl, when will you ever learn?

now then, in addition to that, i feel like i've been wasting my own time lately running in circles like some type of silly school girl. what's that about? oh, right: i'm bored. the idle mind really IS the devil's playground sometimes, i think. project for the winter: stop the madness.

and speaking of winter, it got decidedly cold last night. like, below freezing cold. no wonder my throat hurts and i feel like i could just mainline hot cocoa lately. note to self: sleep more, stay hydrated, and stop fretting, for heaven's sake!

before i recede into shadows once again....

happy november, world! here is a little listy to keep you up to date with my goings-on and whereabouts and what-not:

1. i've seen 'this is it' twice now, and i have to say that the love is still very much there. two hours watching that genius did my heart good:).
2. i'm contemplating dying my hair darker. not sure if it'll happen or not, but i'm fully contemplating (think auburn!).
3. i'm woefully unprepared for the impending holidays.
4. i'm nearly over the shingles, although i'm still having some nerve pain. but just a little these days.
5. i'm still fully entrenched in a bonafide writer's block. blech.
6. i heart cottage cheese lately with some type of passion (almost). eerie.
7. i've had a few mild adventures, but nothing to write home about.
8. i'm slowly but surely making progress on some major life goals i started tackling within the last year. that makes me happy.
9. i'm feeling more and more sure of where i want to go and what i want to do once i get there.
10. well rested? not so much.

so, that about sums up my fall. here's hoping i have something else to say before december peeks its head around the corner. i guess we'll all find out together....

what i have to say about my life reminds me of the B52s lyric 'tin roof.....RUSTED'

so let's see, where were we? ah yes, fall. fall is here. fall has fallen. fall has....well, so far....not been that great. i mean, sure, i'm glad to see the end of the summer temps and the start of all things warm and cozy (including my desire for making soup and roasting veggies and wearing fuzzy socks). but this fall has also meant some exhaustion, a turning of a page into a new chapter of 'stuff i need to deal with,' and a case of the shingles.

yeah, that's right. shingles. that condition that is theoretically not supposed to hit you until you're of AARP-card-carrying age. let me just say, for anyone still reading, that i cannot recommend one thing about this affliction, except perhaps that sometimes, percocet-induced sleep can be quite delish. first there's pain, swelling (it looked like i had the mumps last week), itching, burning, the feeling as though there are bugs crawling on me, and occasional jolts of ice cold across my scalp. in other words, awesome.

thankfully i went straight away to the doctor and got myself on a course of antivirals, steroids, and the aforementioned painkillers.

since then it's been a slow crawl back to 'normal,' and i'm still having enough symptoms and headaches that i can't make a full day back at the office just yet.

but i'm moving forward, despite all of it, and i'm still making some good choices in other areas of my life.

in other news, i'm moderately obsessed with cottage cheese.

but perhaps that's a story for another day.

nice to see you, internets. who knows? maybe i won't be such a stranger in the month of november....:)

again and again

fall has, decidedly, arrived, and i have been silent here for more than a month. at times i try to diagnose this dry spell, but then i give up, realizing that it will end when it sees fit.

tonight my mind is traffic-jammed with thoughts and i'm not much for words, but i have learned to let others' musings suffice when mine do not. here is rilke's take on things, circa 1914:

again and again, even though we know love's landscape
and the little churchyard with its lamenting names
and the terrible reticent gorge into which the others
end: again and again the two of us go out together
under the ancient trees, lay ourselves down again and again
among the flowers, facing opposite the sky.

i'll be back soon, blog world. promise.

in the works

this afternoon, i finally purchased my domain name. it's only taken me, what, 5 years to do it? but it's done now. i went ahead and bit the bullet, got some hosting, and am in the process of figuring this whole 'full-on' web site thing out. it's not that i don't know what i'm doing, per se (although, i admit that i have a LOT to learn still), but it's more that i need to sit down and devote some time to actually setting up basic structures, figuring out what i don't know (and rectifying that), deciding on structure, color scheme, and overall theme, and taking my designer friend v. up on her offer of making my new home pretty.

so, for now, i'm still here. but it won't be long before you'll see me in a new light....

representation

in this world of ever-present sound bites, i am finding myself frequently throwing out status messages on twitter and facebook and neglecting to write multi-sentence paragraphs to express myself. this is a problem.

although i love the idea of instant communication and the quoting of a song lyric to condense an entire wave of emotion in one simple phrase, the importance of crafting prose cannot be underestimated. how can i in any way fancy myself to be any type of writer if i cannot, in fact, write anymore?

i assure you, internets, that i have much to say. i just cannot think of ANY of it when i sit down to put fingers to keyboard. i know i mentioned in a previous post that i'm suffering from a kind of writer's block, but in actuality, i think i'm suffering from sound bite-itis. there are only so many times that i can quote the lyrics to a bread song or some colbie caillat or david gray lovesick refrain before the words become stilted and clichéd (although to me they really never will). i have to find my own words again...to look at the world and feel all that i feel and then share it with you...with myself...in a way that really means something.

i don't know what the real answer is here. i'm not sure whether a period of silence and reflection would make a difference, or whether i just need to write more as an exercise--even if i have nothing to say. so, to myself i make this promise: in the coming days, i will try to put more thoughts out there, even if to the outside world they mean absolutely nothing. the point, i suppose, is that i keep speaking my mind. these words, after all, are often all i have, looking back. and whether they are single sentences or long, blustery paragraphs...whether they are my words or some i've bogarted from others....i will let them speak for me. they are my memory. they are how i connect who i was then with who i am now....and with who i will be tomorrow. they are, quite simply, my emissaries, my purveyors of truth.

right on.

write on.

winding down

it's been a busy few weeks (months, really), and although the summer doesn't look to be slowing down to welcome the onslaught of fall, i am thrilled to report that i don't miss being in school ONE BIT. having my evenings and weekends taken up with things other than homework is still just divine. perhaps i'm in a honeymoon period; if that's what this is, so be it. it's far, far better than staying up until 2 a.m. to finish a paper on a friday night.

in celebration of my new-found freedom, of sorts, this summer has been one of films and grocery shopping with abandon. i am a produce hound, and as soon as my refrigerator begins to empty of all the fruits and veggies, i return to fill up a cart and lug home my wares to stuff my crisper box and all three shelves with packages of peppers, blueberries, strawberries, various forms of lettuce, green onions, long english cucumbers, baby carrots, and crispy-tart grapes. i'm telling you - it's been one hell of a summer.

in the midst of all of this, i have been working my tail off at my job trying to stay on top of deadlines, so because i don't have a ton of mental energy at the end of each day, i've enjoyed drowning myself in luscious, useless 'reality' programming until bedtime. and at night, i crawl under my fairly newly acquired beachy-green duvet cover and blue-green-taupe paisley sheets and drift off to dreamland with a long to-do list hung for safekeeping in the upper recesses of my consciousness.

i've had a pedicure that's lasted me for a month and a half. that's an accomplishment worthy of its own paragraph breaks.

i've made a few new friends and have enjoyed the prospect of impromptu dinners out and occasional meet-ups for various social gatherings. in line with this, i'm trying to say 'yes' more than i say 'no.' (i admit that sometimes this is easier said than done.)

i have lovely red globe lanterns (replete with white stars) hanging on my balcony. this still delights me in ways i cannot explain.

i am learning to embrace the heat a bit more (just a bit).

although this summer has treated me fairly well, i am all too happy to let fall arrive in all its grandeur, bringing with it the crisp evening air, the early mornings where darkness lingers, and the long drives down country roads bursting with all the best colors nature can offer. to be honest, my heart is ready for the next thing, the new adventure, the fresh notepads and pens filled with ink (oh, the promise that they hold!), the talks over coffee, the long lists with checked-off items, and the knowledge that i am one day closer to everything i hold dear.

as long as there are more words inside me, i will keep writing.

despite the fact that this post contains actual words...

...i'm pretty sure i'm suffering from bona fide writer's block. my head is a jumble of thoughts, but almost none of them coalesce into anything worth putting down on the page. i'm not sure whether it's because my brain took the excuse of not being in school any longer to turn immediately to mush, or whether i'm feeling the effects of too many deadlines and details and loose ends to tie up at work, or whether it's because i'm generally uninspired and in need of some cataclysmic event to thrust me back into the world of deep thoughts.

actually, while we're on the subject, i'm really not in the market for cataclysms just now. i'll take rest and relaxation for 400, alex....

and speaking of relaxation, i have, like, eight more personal/vacation days to use up before the end of the year, and i'm having a really hard time trying to decide what to do with them. part of me feels like i should save most of them up and just take off a huge chunk of time right before christmas, but the other part of me is quick to remind that christmas is FIVE months away. dudes, that's a long time without a break.

so, in the interim, i shall ponder all these things in my heart, keep reading the chick lit book i'm slowly making my way through, blind myself on occasional, feverish bouts of cross-stitch, and (currently) make that baklava salmon that's got my name ALL over it for dinner.

c'est fini.

i've always been a tad bit of an overachiever, so why would you expect anything less from me?

just about two years ago this time, i had just gotten accepted into grad school and was feverishly trying to mentally prepare myself for the academic (and personal) unknown. i was also just 3 months shy of leaving a job that wasn't fulfilling me in the least for the place i now work (still without a doubt a fantastic decision). there's no possible way i could have known how much would change in that time and how quickly the time would pass. two summers ago, i felt it would take me FOREVER to get that degree, and i couldn't imagine doing it, let alone being able to sustain an A average the whole time. i didn't have enough faith in my own ability to put my mind to something and stick with it. and yet here i am, having accomplished every single thing i set out to do.

and tonight i find myself at a similar beginning feeling just as uncertain (or at least slightly doubtful) that i can actually FINISH what i've started. and yet now i have clear evidence that i can do these things, so tonight i'm giving myself an internal pep talk that not only CAN i do this, but i WILL do it. and however long it takes, i will just keep working hard until i get it done. no doubt i've been tough on myself these last two years, and while some of that might not be super healthy or helpful, it gets things accomplished, you know? so maybe i'll let a little of my inner drill sergeant out again to kick some ass and take some names (even if it's my own ass getting kicked). and who knows where i'll be two years from now? one thing's for sure: i've tasted straight As and i'm not particularly interested in half-hearting my way through my life anymore. this time i'm going straight to the head of the class.

mark my words.

post-its and catalogs and half-torn envelopes, oh my!

i'm sitting here in my home office after a long day of work, work, work, and all that catches my eye are the papers i need to process, throw out, file, etc. i envy and do not fully understand those people who live a truly uncluttered life; there is always so much stuff to deal with, and i haven't yet mastered the art of utter simplification. if you go into my living room, it's the same situation: magazines, magazines, and more magazines. before grad school, periodically i would take the time to sift through, purge, and make space for new ones, but for the last two years, i've done very little except move them from one receptacle to another (and another, and another) and now i have two baskets full of (partially unread) magazines. and my pantry needs some work, too, may i mention.

i know i'll get there some day; it's all part of the process of deciding what i absolutely need and what i don't...of saying no, of making piles, of prioritizing. i'm good at it in other ways, really....just not, apparently, when it involves paper-related items and canned goods/baking supplies.

tonight is not the night for gargantuan undertakings, however. my cleaning lady is coming tomorrow, so i must tidy (i.e., create piles, around which she will dust), make dinner, wash dishes, and watch my dose of mindless (mind-numbing?) television programming. let it be known, however: i want less clutter in my life. so it is written. so it shall be....

i hope.

seven years/one month

as of this past april, i've been blogging for seven years. seven. years. i can't believe it. and what's more, in those seven years, i have never once blogged on july 25. the 24th, sure. 26th? absolutely. never ONCE on the 25th. so i thought perhaps i'd break my seven-year itch and lay out some words, for what they are.

it's saturday and i'm one week out from the beginnings of a throat and sinus infection thing that definitely knocked me down; i'm assuming that one or more people at work with their own brand of ill got me this way, but no matter. i've been taking steps to rid my body of the unwanted.

perhaps more significant, however, is that michael jackson has been dead one month today. it feels so strange to type that, still, because my world has always had him in it, and it still does, in a way, but obviously it's not the same. i'm not gonna lie - it's been really hard to come to terms with that truth. it's like i miss someone i know, and i feel so disappointed at the realization that he'll never make any more music...that there will never be a chance for him to do anything remotely similar to the brilliance he laid down on some of his earlier tracks. to manage this, i've been surrounding myself either with his music or with music that makes me feel similar things that his does. of course, nothing moves me like the grumbling guitar at the beginning of 'billie jean' or the disco beat and soaring vocals of 'rock with you'....and yeah, i'm even a sucker for the slightly saccharin sweetness of 'will you be there' and 'man in the mirror.' i can't help it, man...he felt every word....

as a white girl growing up in suburban america living in a house where a lot of classical music was played (along with folksy stuff and early pop/rock of the 70s and 80s), michael jackson opened my world in a way that no other musician ever could. sure, my folk-loving, poetry-infused heart still belongs to james taylor, but my soul and my rhythm and my love for the funk can be traced back to michael's 'off the wall' and 'thriller.' no doubt.

and that's probably why i love all those r&b boys who croon and sing their high-pitched 'hooo' and do their runs and what-not....because all of them have at least a little of MJ in what they're doing. they took his basic palette and brought their own hues and nuances to add to the art...but let's all just acknowledge that if he hadn't been painting the way he did, they wouldn't be doing their thing now - and fooling all the young girls into believing that they did it best or first or with the most swagger. but if you look at that 10-year-old kid belting out any number of songs, he had it all inside of him, even then. a slight turn of the head, a jutting of the jaw - the funk was already there.

so, i'm sure i'll still cry for awhile when i hear some of this songs, and in a few weeks, i hope to have a little memorial of my own with a few friends who will gather to watch one of his concerts and just talk about our memories. he may be gone from this earth, but his music got into me—and into countless others—and even though "the groove is dead and gone (yeah), you know that love survives....so we can rock forever on...." and we will, michael. i promise you that.