On the eve of 11 months

It's Christmas Eve and I'm at home prepping food for tomorrow's dinner at my parents' house. The Christmas movies have been on a near-constant loop for the last two days. I've wrapped gifts, packaged treats, mailed cards, and visited with a few friends. Last night we went to a show at Center Stage (which was fantastic, by the way) and all the speakers in the apartment (and my car) have been pumping out holiday tunes out the wazoo. And in the midst of the ribbons and wrapping paper, the flour dust on my apron and the warm wishes, I feel broken.

Christmas is about hope, about peace and love, about the light that broke through the darkness of this weary world. And by God, after the year that has passed, filled with disappointments and stress, struggle and death and sorrow, my heart is indeed weary. I've found myself weeping on more than one occasion over the last several days, crying for the sadness of others...crying for my own.

Tomorrow marks 11 months since my little friend Clara’s passing. Christmas Day. I still cannot believe it. There are no presents to open this year, no tree, no decorations, no precious girl to love on. She is not of this earth any longer. And that, in the midst of a season of celebrating, feels like a swift kick in the gut. And my strong, incredibly brave friends are feeling the heel of that particular boot every day…all day long.

Grief stretches out like a long road, and even during the times when its presence grows thin for a few paces and joy breaks through, it is still there, waiting for you to round the next turn up ahead. It plays cruel jokes on you, throwing up the proverbial oases in the desert, only to leave you thirsty when you arrive to what you think will be some relief. But even in its seeming cruelty, it can be kind, too, offering up sweet memories, laughter, opportunities to have real connection and throw off the day-to-day muck that deadens our senses and separates us from others…and from ourselves.

And if you find others to join you on your journey, there is some comfort in that, too: knowing you aren’t alone. One of my greatest prayers for my dear friends over the last year is that they would know the love and care of others and feel bolstered by it. And though I know that hasn’t arrived to the level I would have loved to see, I have witnessed God’s love for them in the form of other people and their kindness, compassion, and presence.

Isn’t that really what matters most – on Christmas or any other day? To know you are loved is the greatest gift there is. And even as I sit here, with a lump in my throat, I know that there IS much to celebrate, even through the pain. And I choose to receive the sweetness, the light, the hope however it comes, with open hands and heart.

If you’re reading this today, I wish the same for you. However your year has been (and for many of us, it’s been a mixed bag, at a minimum) and whatever fears or uncertainties you may be facing even now, may hope fill your heart, and may the light break through whatever darkness surrounds you and bring your weary heart some joy, this Christmas and always.

a pre-new year's to-do list

now that christmas is over (and it was wonderful, btw: filled with lots of relaxing, cookie-baking, puzzle-doing, laughing with my parents, and generally spending time feeling thankful for the richly provided-for life i lead), i have a week off to enjoy before returning to work. i'm on day 2, and i've done, sadly, nothing yet, except go to the car dealership for two hours this morning so they could replace a blown fuse and check my bluetooth). i'm feeling the need to get productive, though, so that i don't entirely waste this free time....

in no particular order, here are the things i want to accomplish sometime this week:

1. visit with the extended family (this will be accomplished later today)
2. dust and vacuum my entire apartment
3. clean both bathrooms, particularly mine
4. do a pantry 'cleansing' to prepare for #5
5. meal plan and prepare as many meals as possible for the coming weeks
6. grocery shop (see #5)
7. work on a top-secret craft project
8. put away my few christmas decorations: baby tree, snowman chef ornaments, lights (although i might wait until the week after new year's, since i really am enjoying the lights)
9. back up computer files to external hard drive
10. go through some of my bajillion magazines to either give away or recycle
11. make some merry for new year's eve
12. take my laptop to geek squad and figure out if i can afford to have someone fix it!

a dozen seems like a good place to stop. no need to get myself completely overwhelmed. although, while i'm at it, here are some longer range goals for 2011:

1. go through cookbook collection and make some decisions about which ones can go their merry way (sell online or at ukazoo, donate to friends)
2. procure a newer printer/scanner
3. really organize my files by creating digital copies of must-save items (see #2) and purge, purge, purge what i don't have to keep
4. read down the stack of books waiting for my busy eyeballs
5. watch less tv, for crying out loud
6. get back together with the gym
7. get back together with WW
8. buy some new clothes (long overdue)
9. send more snail mail or donate stationery to someone who will use it!
10. pare down unused items (including books)
11. soak in my tub more so i can use my lavendar-chamomile bubble bath
12. fight the winter blahs with more herbal tea and invigorating salt scrubs
13. find some volunteer opportunities (and maybe invite friends to join?)
14. figure out whether to move or stay put
15. plan a trip somewhere fun

hmm....this is a good start. i'm sure that more will come to me as the months wear on. i feel like none of these goals are unreasonable, so i have no reason not to end 2011 feeling accomplished.

i'm trying to set myself up for success in 2011. 2010 brought its highs and lows (probably more highs than lows, if i'm looking at things objectively), but i'm ready for another level of awesomeness. so, welcome, new year. better days are ahead. i just know it.

on the eve

it's december 24 and i'm working. i've just eaten a lackluster salad from whole foods and am contemplating how proud i am for NOT buying any treats from the chocolatier next door to my office. in fact, i'm strongly considering heading to the gym for a quick workout before returning home to my parents. i feel the need to get moving....

this morning has been highly productive workwise; while revising and formatting a doc, i was listening to the festival of lessons and carols from kings college, cambridge. what a flood of memories i always get when hearing those crisp, clear tones and robust, harmonically rich refrains. it makes me think of being a child and sitting in the pew on christmas eve, waiting for the moment at the end of the midnight service when we all lit our candles and quietly sang 'silent night' as the clock struck midnight. and even though we were so far from bethlehem, i couldn't help but feeling that 'the hopes and fears of ALL the years' were present in those simple lyrics, sung in a dark church by hundreds of voices, united in one moment of peaceful acknowledgement.

so much has changed since then about my life, but much inside of me...of what i want and who i am...is still the same. i have walked a rocky path, again and again, to that manger to see what God has placed there. and many times i have failed to follow that star in the east (or the one inside my heart) and have tried to walk my own road, on my own terms. but the truth is that no matter where i wander, the mystery and wonder of this time always bring me back to that child...to the reason He came....to the reason He died. and i cannot help but feel so grateful for all the chances i have to rise and fall, to trip and veer and stray....and to come back home again.

i hope tonight to go with my parents and sit in another pew and sing those songs and pray those prayers i've known nearly my whole life. and although december 25 may not mark the actual day of Jesus's entrance into the world, i'm thankful to have this time to spend with those i love, to sit and reflect on all that His life and sacrifice have meant to me, and to thank God for the gift of music, of peace, of good friends, and of second (and third, and fourth, etc.) chances.

and to whoever you are who may be reading this, may you be reminded that there is always a chance to turn toward a new and better life, toward a new way of thinking and being, toward forgiveness for yourself and others. may the knowledge of this gift flood your heart this day...and always....

'twas the morning before christmas...

...and i woke up with a horrible knot in my right shoulder and a headache to match.

i've been done with this semester for a couple of days now, but i have yet to enjoy the feeling of 'time off' because i've been running around like a crazy woman and have been battling sprint in order to try and get a phone that works and that doesn't erase my contacts list from the online back-up system (which it did yesterday!). *sigh*

so, let's just say it's been a rough few days and move on from that, shall we?

i'm actually thankful for a lot this year. let's briefly recap:

• my parents, who are loving and supportive and who still put up with my random phone calls to ask them dumb questions
• my kickass friends who put up with my random freakouts and remind me what's true about my life when i manage to forget....and who don't seem to mind when i do the same for them:)
• my job, which not only was a vehicle through which i was able to leave the last place (a bit disastrous) but which has provided for my financial needs this year and gives me an opportunity to do something i love and to make a difference in the world through education
• my cute apartment that keeps me warm and is filled with fun things (many of which were gifts from the aforementioned parents and kickass friends)
• my bella, who gets me from place to place without complaint - and with heated posterior parts due to her toasty warm seats:)
• my country, which affords me the freedom to pursue my interests and the freedom to worship and profess and confess without hiding under cover of darkness
• my God, who (in addition to providing all of the above), day after day, saves me all over again. He knows i need it.

today may you be filled with the mystery of promise, with the trembling hope of what is to come.

it's official....

as is becoming my new tradition, today was spent (with salimah's much-needed help) setting up my christmas tree. candles are strategically placed around the living and dining rooms, stocking hung on the wall, and all is magically aglow.

see what i mean? oh, and here's a close-up of one of my favorite ornaments....

i promise i'll try to post more pictures in the coming weeks. i'm trying to be better about all of that. in the meantime, i have two papers to write this evening. boo. hiss!

welcome, christmastide. it took you long enough to get here!!

so this is christmas....

all day friday, i couldn't stop thinking about michael, my ex. even though we didn't really talk for quite awhile (about 2 years, really), in the last few months we've stayed more connected in each other's lives and i found out right around thanksgiving that his father had been diagnosed with cancer. as soon as i heard the news, i sensed that the end was near. it's weird - it reminded me of when my grandmother went into the hospital just before she died. even though her prognosis at first looked moderately favorable, i knew that was it.

anyway, the last month or so, i've been - for obvious reasons - very concerned for him and his family and prayerful that they could all be fully at peace with one another in his dad's last days....
friday night i learned through a friend's blog that his dad died 10 days ago and the funeral was that afternoon. my heart broke when i found out the news, even though i had been expecting it. it's hard to find out something like this and to feel so remote. all i can do is pray for them - that they would know some measure of peace and comfort in the midst of all of this....that they would all actively sense the presence of a God who loves them intimately and personally, even though they might not see him with their physical eyes.

which brings me to christmas. this year i've sought to place the majority of my focus on a child and a family whom i do not know - whom i will never know - to help bring them some joy, some idea that someone out there cares for them, in the midst of what must be an otherwise difficult time. and the fact that i can do this for these people fills me with such joy, i cannot even explain it.

i know that the gifts i gave (and salimah gave as well) were physical things, but as we bought them, i asked God to love them through the things....to help them sense the presence of someone whom they cannot see but who loves them deeply and personally. and really, that's why Christ came - to make a way for such a relationship.....to give earthly evidence of the kind of love that God has for each of us - a deep, personal, intimate love that started even before we came to this place.

i want to keep with me the brokenness of loss and the hope of promise all at once. i don't want to lose my sensitivity to what's going on around me, in the lives of friends and loved ones, people i no longer know or ever will. we all need the same thing. michael's dad needed it. those children need it. i need it. we need to know we're not alone. we need to know that someone loves us deeper than we can fathom. and somehow this Christmas, i'm believing that God can remind me - all of us - that He does. in our sickness and depravity, in our triumphs and our losses, on Christmas and Hanukkah and solstice and the second tuesday of the month, in the desert of iraq, in our suburban ennui, when we're mean to one another, when all hope is gone, He does.

home

i spent the weekend in richmond for christmas....had a nice, relaxing time with my parents and friends, ate some great food, and slept in a bit. it feels good to be back in maryland, though. who are we kidding? my own bed is more comfy and i'm used to the noises in my house....

perhaps i'll post more in detail later (if/when i feel slowed down enough to think), but in general, this christmas perked up a bit, even despite my general feelings of ennui beforehand.

and just think - in another few days, this year will be a memory. now THAT is some good news....

sushi, love, and acid-free paper

yesterday, devika came up from our nation's capital to hang out with salimah and me (originally, it would have been also for salimah's thesis reading, but since that went out the window last week, it was just girl time - our preference anyway), and we went to sushi hana for the most delish lunch (devika, thank you SOOO much for the treat!).

after stuffing ourselves silly and then stopping by starbucks for a quickie beverage, we dropped devika off at the train station and headed back up to my neck of the woods. i gave bella a bath at the exxon (which involved some hijinx with these slight miscreants who were trying to get me to pay them to wipe my car off with some rags...um...right), went to the bank, and then we came back home for awhile to hang out before making the decision around 9:30 or 10 to head over to kinko's. i had high hopes that the whole process would be easy-peasy, but we were brutally rebuffed by the dude behind the counter (mental note: i will not be patronizing that particular establishment ever again), and we wound up trekking over to white marsh to complete the deal.

oh, and i should mention that, while there, these two random nightcrawlers had come in to use the internet. it was just the weirdest thing at 11:30 on a saturday night to be sitting in a copy store under artificial lighting, feeling like these men were up to something no good, and in the midst of this, my fake bling earring kept falling out.

the bottom line, though, is that we got everything salimah needed, and after a late-night snack of some greasy food, we headed back home to collapse into our beds.

intermingled with our adventures, though, was some seriously good conversation with salimah about our views on love and men and expectations and how those things have changed over the last couple of years. i have realized something about myself: i haven't lowered my standards...on the contrary, in fact...but i HAVE loosened my grip on some of the unrealistic expectations i once had about the state of a man's heart and what that really means at the end of the day. we also talked about struggling against the judgmentality we see in so many churched folks we've known (and loved) - of their own standards of what is 'right' for someone else and their inability to see outside the box of conventional 'wisdom' on various matters of relationships and other things. i found pain inside myself during this conversation - realizing that i have been wounded deeply by past exchanges with people who once professed to be my friends....but i have learned to take it all in stride and know that God is the only one who will deal with me and each of those individuals in a way that will have real meaning in the end.

so, it's sunday all over again, and tomorrow is the last monday i'll have to be at work before it is 2007. to say that thrills me is a serious understatement. there is much to do before the holidays, but i'm hanging back a bit this year, even from my usual festivities. i'm reevaluating, even if just for this time around, how much energy i can put into certain endeavors. in the end, i find just as much peace with a clean house and a bit of quiet at the end of the day. i don't need a tree with sparkling lights and all my trinkets hung about.

and besides, with all the joy that this holiday encompasses for me, there is a bit of sadness wrapped up in it as well...the awareness of all the loss this year has brought...the terrifying hope that next year will be more about birth and less about dying...for now, though, i'm just thrilled to love the ones i love and to be loved in return. i'm richer than i deserve to be and lonelier than i want. but perhaps in the coming days and weeks and months, that, too, will begin to iron itself out.

one never knows what the holidays will bring.