i've always been a tad bit of an overachiever, so why would you expect anything less from me?

just about two years ago this time, i had just gotten accepted into grad school and was feverishly trying to mentally prepare myself for the academic (and personal) unknown. i was also just 3 months shy of leaving a job that wasn't fulfilling me in the least for the place i now work (still without a doubt a fantastic decision). there's no possible way i could have known how much would change in that time and how quickly the time would pass. two summers ago, i felt it would take me FOREVER to get that degree, and i couldn't imagine doing it, let alone being able to sustain an A average the whole time. i didn't have enough faith in my own ability to put my mind to something and stick with it. and yet here i am, having accomplished every single thing i set out to do.

and tonight i find myself at a similar beginning feeling just as uncertain (or at least slightly doubtful) that i can actually FINISH what i've started. and yet now i have clear evidence that i can do these things, so tonight i'm giving myself an internal pep talk that not only CAN i do this, but i WILL do it. and however long it takes, i will just keep working hard until i get it done. no doubt i've been tough on myself these last two years, and while some of that might not be super healthy or helpful, it gets things accomplished, you know? so maybe i'll let a little of my inner drill sergeant out again to kick some ass and take some names (even if it's my own ass getting kicked). and who knows where i'll be two years from now? one thing's for sure: i've tasted straight As and i'm not particularly interested in half-hearting my way through my life anymore. this time i'm going straight to the head of the class.

mark my words.

resurfacing

where to start? the past two weeks have flown by in a blur of excitement, exhaustion, bewilderment, sadness, and intense relief. more on all this later, but for now i will say this: i'm still here. i reached my goal of a perfect GPA. i turned another year older. i'm starting to remember how to sleep again.

in the midst of it all, michael jackson died. this has marked my days with a kind of grief that i didn't think i would feel at such a revelation. i have many thoughts on this event, but i'm letting them all marinate before i write them down. some things are too intensely personal to share capriciously.

soon. very soon.

in the meantime, hi there, world. nice to see you again:)

so close i can almost taste it....

i have ONE more assignment left in my grad school career! the day i've been waiting for is nearly upon me and, in all honesty, it feels so unbelievable that i can hardly take it in. tonight as i responded to classmates' discussion postings (in which we were asked to provide a kind of retrospective on our experiences in this program), i found myself feeling oddly sentimental and realizing that for as much as i've complained about having too much work and felt at times frustrated for my lack of free time, i have loved being a walden student and have REALLY learned a lot over the past 22 months. and the cherry on my sundae tonight was some feedback that i got from a classmate in which he said that i have embodied the spirit of our program by encouraging him and helping him to grow and that my writing inspires him to improve. finally, he said that he can't think of anyone better to work on the courses at this university, especially after my experiences over the last 22 months. his words meant so much—particularly because he suffered through all the difficult stuff with me.

i know when this is all over, i'm going to have some pains of separation from my time as a student. despite my delight over having more time for myself, i will miss my coursework and the process of giving myself to something so wholeheartedly. it has been one heck of a ride, but i'm so glad i made the decision to embark upon this journey. my life has been enriched, probably more than i can know at this point. i've always believed that education can change the world; i know without a doubt that it's changed mine.

getting there

two weeks from today, i will be finished with my master's program. TWO WEEKS. i cannot believe it. the past twenty-two months have, at once, flown and dragged by, but now i'm just two weeks(!) away from being done. there are already new projects in the pipeline (one of which i've begun working on), and i cannot wait to move on...forward...with my life!

*stepping back*

before i get ahead of myself, though, i feel the need to have an action plan for the next two weeks of my life. here are my wants and needs, in no particular order:

1. hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!
2. try to be in bed by midnight (at the latest) every night.
3. continue to eat lots of fruit and vegs to keep the stress-related illnesses at bay.
4. same with protein (oh, and helps with the energy, for sure).
5. get a pedicure (i threw that one in there just for fun; in truth, i might wait until my birthday, which is in two weeks and 3 days!).
6. get my simulator homework done by 8 pm every day, no exceptions.
7. ride with the sunroof open as many days as possible, with music blaring, of course.
8. call my supportive friends for extra fortification.
9. keep ipod charged for work-related stress reduction.
10. breathe.

all right, that about does it! i'll say one thing: i'm definitely looking forward to getting back into blogging this summer once i can think straight. let's all keep our fingers crossed about that one, shall we?

june 28, i'm coming after you, and you better watch it, because i'm feeling relentless.

remembering

for the last two years, understandably, my life has been very focused on getting my master's degree. and in that time, certain pleasures and hobbies have had to take a back seat...at least that's how i've viewed it...because quite honestly, i made the decision at the outset that i wasn't going to give myself to something like this unless i was really going to GIVE myself to it. and, for the most part, it's been the right decision for me during this time.

in the interim, however, some other things have become rather apparent: the season has ended on some of my friendships (all right - i suppose that's unavoidable, really). also, my diligence and upkeep with certain regular chores and habits has definitely been down (again, understandable, but not something i want to continue). and finally—and perhaps the one that really gives me pause—i feel remarkably out of touch with myself...so much so, really, that i'll have this luscious moment or experience in which i feel totally connected again and it almost makes me cry because i suddenly realize what's been packed away in a box for a period of time.

the only other time i've experienced this so strongly was when i was in a relationship and had inadvertently sent parts of myself underground for (what i thought was) the sake of the other person. let me just say—not a good thing. when i realized i had done this, i became so angry, so selfish with the need to resurrect those things i had put to death (even if temporarily) and i was hell-bent on bringing them back into the 'vernacular' of my life that nothing and no one would stop me.

i was so different then, though, and that hibernation was unintentional and in no way necessary. this period of virtual desert, however, has been for the greater good of my education and (hopefully) to create future opportunities. having said that, i will admit that i've been feeling some measure of resentment for the last month for all that i have had to put away. it's like i want to open all my drawers, dump out their contents, and just look at my stuff again...reconnect with every bit of it...enjoy it and use it before i have to put it away to let everyday life function as it must.

as i type this post, a chanteuse is laying out some truly yearnful, hopeful, slightly melancholy lyrics that stir me. i remember this. and in the kitchen is the dinner that i will go and create with fun ingredients and spices hidden in the back of my cabinet. i remember this also. and though there are 3 weeks left of this final course in my MBA program, i'm hoping that, little by little, i can begin to reclaim all that i've tucked away for the last 22 months of my life...that i can start enjoying a weekend free of obligations...that i can go visit friends who now have husbands and babies and new homes and all of that...that i can forge ahead with gusto into the next project(s) i have lined up for my life—one(s) that will not require me going underground in order to complete a goal. i'm getting it all back, do you hear me? all of it. every. little. bit.

'i wake when these dreams collide'

this weekend has been productive. i hooked up with salimah late morning yesterday and we spent the day running all over the metropolitan area collecting wholesale groceries, office supplies, athletic shoes (for her) and socks (for me), with several refreshing drinks in between. after a quick dinner of carne asada (me) and special tilapia (her) at mari luna, we came back to my place where i put together my newly acquired desk chair before setting out for the weg for a late-night shopping excursion.

today after dropping salimah off at her place, i went to my office to load up my desk with some snacks i bought at bj's. i was going to head straight home, but it was so beautiful outside, i decided to open the sunroof and all the windows and take a drive back up to the hunt valley area where my favorite little coffee shop is. after procuring an iced tea (lots of lemon, please!), i wandered over to the farmstand across the road and bought some tomatoes and potatoes (forgotten on yesterday's excursions) and then made my way back home, singing at the top of my lungs the whole way.

as i was driving under the swaying, lush green canopy watching the sun filter down along the winding road toward home, i realized how much i love days like this...when the whole world stretches out in front of you and for 10 minutes, you can forget all the things on your to-do list. my heart leapt a little in my chest as i imagined myself forward to the day when i can have a whole weekend full of errands and fun and centered calm, without regard for homework and deadlines and all that rubbish. it's coming soon, though, and as much as i can for now, i'm trying to keep the melancholy at bay with the idea of sun-drenched, cool mornings, the wind in my face, and singing loud on the open road that takes me anywhere my heart wants to go.

checking in

the last class of my program is in full swing and i must admit that i'm not feeling it. like, not at all. i'm implementing some pro-me efforts, however, and hope that the taking of the bull by the horns will pull me out of the academic funk i'm in. stayed tuned for what i'm sure will be breaking reports....

in other news, my birthday is a mere 6 weeks from today (and 3 days before, i should mention, i will be FINISHED WITH SCHOOL). i will be 34, and i'm not sure how i'm feeling about that. to be honest, i try not to think about all the things i haven't done by this age (things i figured i surely would have accomplished by now) and instead think about all the possibilities that lie ahead. 34 seems so...blah to me, so uninspiring. i suppose i shall have to figure out a way to rectify that...infuse some intrigue and madcap adventure into the 365 days. of course, knowing my life, there will be some measure of all of that—and more.

i'm off to create a powerpoint due tonight. first, a quickie dinner of chix and vegs; perhaps a little american idol in the background (i'm filled with despondency since my danny gokey got voted out last week, but whatev); and a concerted effort NOT to yell at my neighbors who are making loud noises and allowing their children to run about screaming and carrying on.

two more days, and it's officially a 3-day weekend. i can roll with that.

jelly belly sours are not nutritionally valuable, fyi

before this day gets away from me, let it be known that i didn't eat dinner last night. unless you count some leftover rice at midnight after finishing homework. which i don't. or the jelly beans i ate while doing said homework. which i don't.

this morning i feel lethargic like there's no tomorrow. i have major deadlines and am, therefore, working at home today, but i'm just having a hard time getting jumpstarted. i swear, i'm so tired of talking about how i want grad school to be over, but it's at the front of nearly every thought i seem to have these days.

so i'm officially letting the world know that in three more months, you won't hear me whining about this anymore. i pinky swear.

in the meantime, however, i cannot make any promises.

here is my positive statement du jour (must make sure to get at least one of these in): i'm hanging out with my dear friend melly tonight (we're getting mari luna), and between now and then, i plan to eat some real breakfast to make up for last night's jelly bean debacle. onward and upward....

at this point, i could be a country song

blog world, i'll warn you: i'm a jumble of emotions right now. the last few days have been rough for me...like nearly crying at my desk rough. oh, nothing's wrong, per se; i just have way too much to do and the weeks of pushing too hard are taking their toll on me physically and mentally. every day at work, i look at my face in the bathroom mirror (not the most flattering lighting, i know), and what i see staring back at me is slightly bloodshot eyes and dark circles and i just keep telling myself that maybe if i keep hydrated, things will get better.

yeah, because water will fix my stress level. sure.

so then i go back to my desk and try to zone out to some tunes, but every song is all emotion, and i'm trying to keep mine pent up so as not to melt down. not super healthy, i know, but it's getting me through the week and it means the homework gets turned in on time.

so then yesterday was friday and i felt like i could finally relax for a few. (a huge paper due this week was already turned in, and it seemed that 1 of the monkeys previously on my back had removed itself.) somewhere in the midst of watching programming on HGTV, i fell asleep and had wacked out dreams about having house problems and weird real estate issues and what-not, and when i woke up, i felt the pressing stress of money woes on my shoulder blades.

so i went to bed. and proceeded to sleep like a log (which i needed). and then i woke up kind of late this morning, went into the bathroom to shower, took a nice, luxurious stretch, and felt every single muscle in my mid-back tense up like it had a point to prove. apparently, i slept horribly wrong, and now i'm on a heating pad with some major ibu pulsing through my system.

and did i mention i have to write a 15-page paper this week?

it's friday and i'm in high avoidance mode

so, the new year is in full swing and i suddenly have nothing to say.

but here's something: i'm thinking about getting my doctorate. i know. i know. all i've done for the last year and a half is complain about how much homework i have. and maybe i'll change my mind when the time comes, but for now, it's sounding like a darn good idea. and even more so because i get 70% off my tuition. hellOOOO....

for now, however, i just need to make it until june without losing my mind. and then i've promised myself six months off. i pinky swear!

in other news, i've taken on a small personal mission to try and be a bit less loose lipped this year. it's not so much a resolution as a mindset. yes, a mindset. that's what i shall call it. so far, so good.

and speaking of good, i'm now obsessed with encrusting everything in panko bread crumbs. so crispy and tasty! expect to hear of panko in '09.

and for my final announcement of the day: i'm getting rid of my nails. i'm tired of having them. i want stubby fingers back when i bake and do hardcore cooking, and honestly, i don't need the added expense. plus, my nails were getting tired of being covered up. i could tell. they—and i—need a break. my hair, however, does not. it needs a trim and another highlighting job in a month or two. gotta keep ahead of the old lady hair!

and with that, i have nothing more to share. i now return you to your regularly scheduled lack of programming while i go and procrastinate some more:)

real quick

i'm about to dash off to work, but i just wanted to check in with the blog world and remind you all that i'm alive (sorta). 31-page paper down, 2 more major papers to go (one due tomorrow night) before this semester ends. Lord, let it come soon.

oh, and because i'm a slacker in responding to comments of late: devika, sticky toffee cheese, from what i could surmise, is something like stilton with pieces of actual brown-sugary toffee cake-ness stirred throughout (there were raisins in there periodically, too). i'm telling you—it's sinful; that's how good it was. wegman's sells it, although someone else in the world must as well. holy dairy products, batman. now i want some more!

all right, off to start my day. we're over the hump, people. there's no turning back now in our downhill slide toward the weekend:)

'we have a piper down. i repeat. a piper is DOWN.'

this post will be short because i have a paper to write and only 9 fingers to do it with. yeah. that's right. one of my little helpers is out of commission because yesterday, in a sleepy stupor, i went to pick up my laundry basket and managed to tear off one of my acrylic nails (and a third of my real nail) as it slipped out of my hand. there was blood immediately. and crying. and panic. and more crying. and then self-imposed medical care. thank God i know how to wrap a bandage and care for a wound....growing up around medical people really does have its advantages.

but now my middle finger on my right hand is completely ineffective and sore and i this is really frustrating. and did i mention the paper? oh yeah. better get to it.

that's it

i officially hate school.

okay. i don't 100% hate it, but i have a freaking paper due on thanksgiving day, and it's 1:40 in the morning and i just finished another stupid assignment. and i'm exhausted. and i didn't eat dinner tonight, which means i'm now hungry and very thirsty and whinewhinewhine!!!

also, i'm extremely congested and i hope i'm not coming down with something. i can't handle that. i mean it.

did you hear me?

okay, enough complaining. i'm getting some water and then off to bed.

*sob*

'hang all the mistletoe; i wanna get to know you better....'

yesterday we had the first snow of the season. it spent a good portion of the day flurrying and/or really coming down in various parts, much of which i could see from the window of my office building. the city looks so beautiful in the snow. i seriously wished in that moment that i had my camera.

this week was rough for me. i'm feeling really run down (what else is new?) and it's just been very, very hard to motivate myself to get anything done once i come home from work. i'm looking forward to the short work week ahead but not to the papers i have to write. the one downside to this graduate program is that (along with my lack of free time) there are no breaks for major or minor holidays. just keep on trucking, even on turkey day.

tonight the apartment is quiet. i spent the afternoon snuggling under blankets, catching up on some tv, and napping on and off. i don't know how late i'll be staying up tonight, but of course tomorrow brings with it another paper due and another week to gear myself up for. july better come soon. thats all i'm saying about that.

on one final note, as part of my tv time this afternoon, i watched the movie 'this christmas' (salimah had recommended). i loved it. those family, homey-type movies always put me in the holiday mood. christmas is just over a month away. let the ho-ho-ho begin:)....

worn thin

i'm having one of those weeks where i cannot even envision making it to friday. no, nothing's wrong, per se, but i'm just so inundated with 'stuff' to do and i just want to sleep. tonight i was at the office until 8:30 finishing up some things for work and then writing the equivalent of a 3-page paper in about 30 minutes' time. thank God i can put words on a page rather quickly; i honestly wouldn't be making it through grad school right now otherwise.

what makes me feel a tad bit sick to my stomach right now is the understanding that even though the thanksgiving holiday is fast approaching, there is no rest for the weary. i will probably spend the night much the same as last year: spending a tiny bit of time relaxing with friends and then writing a paper until the wee hours of the morning. the thought of this makes me want to cry.

okay, there. i got it out. now i'm going to watch some DVR'ed cooking shows, put my feet up, rehydrate, and call it a night.

wilson phillips sure did know what they were talking about when they said 'hold on for one more day'

i'm having one of those days where i sincerely wish my grad school experience were over. it's not that this week has been particularly harrowing (it hasn't)—more that i'm dreading the start of another class on monday and the realization that i have to gear myself up to deal with another prof and another group of potentially unknown fellow students. i know that i'm in the home stretch, and i know that at the end of this road there is a piece of paper with my name on it, a bit of recognition, and a raft of student loans to repay. go, me!

but along with this understanding is the more obvious fact that i'm not there yet. and oh, how i wish i were. oh, how i wish i could come home after work without thinking about all the stuff i have to do tonight...tomorrow....this weekend. what would i do with myself if i had time to read a book? for leisure!?

i will know this answer soon enough. not long after i turn 34, i will be done this program. i'm sure that the next 8 months will fly by and the next time i think of it, it'll be summertime and then...finito.

but is it okay in the meantime to tell you that i'm TIRED? and more importantly, that i'm TIRED of being TIRED? i hope it's okay, internets, because i'm saying it. and i mean it. i really, really mean it.

as soon as i hit 'publish post,' i'm going to go and turn on the heat (fall is decidedly here for reals this time), put on some comfy clothes, sit under a fleece blanket, and read a cookbook (or at least page through it and ponder the possibilities) while watching something mindless on tv. i've earned it today; i won't be doing any homework, and i feel unbelievably okay about that. and someday i won't have to justify anything one way or another. but i'm sure tonight you'll forgive me if i don't let myself think of such craziness just yet. it's a thursday and it's only october 23.

july, please come soon.

where was i again?

okay, so now that i'm back in my 'real life,' i have an announcement: i need another vacation. a longer one. perhaps permanent this time.

as is often the case when you go away, your life continues to pile up right where you left it and gives you no mercy from the deluge upon your return. i am, quite frankly, swamped with projects, e-mails, issues and a girl can't always take it. sure, i've had a week away, but see, i let myself breathe a little during that time and i was hoping to keep breathing even now.

oh well.

the good news is that i'm apparently moving forward and kicking butt even though i feel like i'm drowning half the time. if that's not grace, then i don't know what is.

and tomorrow is wednesday, the day of the hump. it might be a small silver lining, but i'll take it. at this point, i'd be a fool not to.

obviously....

i'm back in school. yes, i know. in this post, i said i was taking a break unless something changed. well, something did. a combination of guilt, gumption, and perhaps general stupidity set in and now i'm back in the game. i'm taking financial management this term, and i'm already feeling like i can't fully comprehend all this information. this class was supposed to be easier than accounting. what a joke. i feel like all this math is making accounting look like a cake walk. and what's worse: in addition to weekly papers and discussion postings (which are, essentially, small papers), i have the equivalent of two take-home quizzes per week. SUCKS to be me right now!

well, let's see....what else? my beloved salimah celebrated her 35th this past week. we had multiple dinners out and some general making of merry. i love a good celebration. specifically, saturday night we went to pazo for tapas. holy delicious, batman! i held my healthful eating at bay for one night and entered into the den of gastronomic sin. some of those little plates were divine! in particular, there were some light-as-air croquetas (mashed potatoes and manchego cheese rolled into balls and deep fried) that pretty much did me in. totally worth the carbs for one night;)

as is typical with sunday nights, i'm wide awake when i should be fast asleep. this should come as no shock to anyone - me included. i need groceries. i need to do laundry. i need to tidy up. these are the thoughts plaguing me just now. what i NEED to do is go lie down and think about nothing. all else can wait until the sun comes up again. goodnight, dear world.

goodnight.

all good things must come to an end....

i'm sitting here with whitening strips on my teeth, realizing that i need to get my nails filled and re-frenched asap, and paying some bills with quickly dwindling funds (my final vacation home rental payment was due this week). this morning i went to trader joe's and got a crap-ton of veggies, meat, fat-free, plain greek and european (whatever that means!) yogurts, and other protein sources for this weekend and the upcoming week. my parents are due in within the hour, and we'll probably just hang out, watch movies, and chill at the pad until tomorrow. we haven't had a visit in a couple of months and since their retirement is becoming more of a reality (my mom is actually near the end of her current career!), they're more able to take little jaunts like this one.

i've had a two-week break from school that ends on monday. honestly, it's been amazing not having anything to do, but i must admit i'm getting a little antsy to get back to it. one more year and then i'm done, people. i can't tell you how good that feels! this respite was just what i needed to feel motivated to start kicking some butt again....and believe you me, i intend to finish this how i started: strong. oh, and along with my textbooks that just arrived in the mail, i received a new texas instruments financial calculator. nerd toys! i'm so excited:)

in other news, i've been obsessively listening to two songs: at home, i loop 'hate that i love you' by rihanna and ne-yo and at work, it's all about 'no air' by jordin sparks and chris brown. not sure what this is all about, but i find this kind of repetition comforting lately.

with that being said, though, there's also no sense in getting stale or allowing the places of comfort to suck me in and hold me captive. and so, with that, i bid you—and this long and harrowing week—a fond adieu. time to change the song.

mid-way

i am now on day 3 of my two-week break from classes, and i have to tell you - this is the life! i forgot all about how it felt to be able to leave work and do whatever i want, without the awareness of homework hanging over my head. it's a glorious, glorious thing.

two random tidbits:
i heart my new phone. i've had the samsung instinct for a couple of weeks now, and i can't remember what it was like NOT to be able to check my e-mail on a moment's notice. the video function needs some work, but i'm sure by the time i'm ready for a new one of these bad boys, they'll be shooting full-length movies through phones or some such nonsense.

i was out to dinner on saturday night and i saw the former governor of maryland emerge from what i later found out was a ladies' restroom. curious.

off to work!