at home

upon waking up this morning, the first thought on my mind was wow, this is my last saturday here. last night, salimah and crystal brought some dinner over and as we sat amidst my boxes and feasted on mari luna, salimah remarked that this would likely be the last time she ever stepped foot in this place i've called home for the last six and a half years.

that reality struck me rather hard in that moment. believe me, i'm excited to be moving forward, and i'm super thankful that a number of logistical things have arranged themselves so that i might do just that, but there is always a tinge of sadness in any closed door, no matter how ready you are to close it.

when i think about who i was when i first walked into this apartment in the fall of 2003, i feel astonished at how much has happened since then...and amazed at the faces who have walked in—and out—of my life. the weekend i moved in, i was filled with so much hope for all that lay ahead of me and a sense of accomplishment for all that i had done to get me here. i was in my 20s, for crying out loud!

now, i find myself in that same place—only farther down this road and with my eyes a bit more focused and my heart more open and yet more guarded all at once. in short, i've grown up. living here has given me the space to create a real home. for a long time, i thought maybe i was making that home for another person, but what i've learned is that i needed to find that place inside of me. and i have. i'm much more secure now in who i am, in what i want, in where i'm going. i'm not afraid of being abandoned, of being rejected, of being left behind. i learned that no matter the circumstances, i have a choice in the matter, always. and my choice now is to move on and not look back.

the other night, i dreamed that someone i used to know and love told me something about himself that i had been waiting to hear for years. and when he said it in the dream (though it was not good news, per se, and was said with a kind of hostility), i felt so relieved. so relieved, in fact, that i woke up almost wishing we could have had that conversation years ago.

what that dream said to me, though, more than anything, is that life is too short not to say what you mean...even if what you mean is what no one else wants to hear. there is still a kind of relief in knowing the truth, regardless of how bitter that pill is to swallow.

and my truth is that i have no regrets, about anything. i still believe in God, but i also believe more than ever in what He has placed in me and the mind and heart and will He has given me to make my choices. i am where i am now, and i know that it's time for me to close this door and open the next one. and more than that, i am ready to make new adventures and see new things in my city for as long as i am called to be here. but wherever i am and whoever is with me, i am at home now. i am my home.

'all my bags are packed; i'm ready to go'...well, almost

the day is fast approaching when i will bid farewell to my humble abode and take up residence in a 'dee-luxe apartment in the skyyyyyy' (a.k.a. downtown high-rise). i've scheduled the mover, reserved the loading dock at the new place, signed my lease, and packed up about half my stuff so far, and next weekend, my mom will come to help me mostly finish the job. times, they are a-changin', and despite the risks and unknowns, i feel largely good about it.

i've never handled goodbyes very well, though, i admit. i'm a nostalgic soul, and my heart has always yearned to make and keep connections. even though i'm feeling very ready to move on from this place i've called home for the last 6 1/2 years, there is a part of me that will miss the quirky little things about this place, and i'm sure when i close the front door for the final time, i'll feel that all-too-familiar pull.

when i was a kid, we moved around more than i would have liked, and although my adult mind can understand now why, at times, that was a necessity, my kid brain comprehended it as a complete affront to all that i knew. i remember throwing a veritable temper tantrum when one of our old houses was being shown to a potential buyer (who, i think, wound up taking the place). i remember feeling VERY territorial and downright hostile to the family, because i could not bear the thought of someone else sleeping in. my. room!

and then, when we left another house, as soon as i got my driver's license, i would periodically take drives over there to see what they had done to the place and, again, felt a pang of hurt when i realized that they had taken my blue bedroom and turned it yellow. yellow! because although it wasn't my room anymore, a part of me had laid claim on that place and forevermore, it would somehow belong to me, no matter who owned it.

i realized some years later that that was me trying to establish something for myself...to take some control where i never felt i had any.

as an adult, i've made a lot of decisions—some of them good, some of them bad, ALL of them mine. and at the end of the day, whether my sense of what was right and true led me down a path, or whether fear dictated my steps, the choices were mine alone, and the fact that i made them, over and over, and faced their consequences, began to help me feel like i didn't NEED to control everything.

and this decision to move now is a kind of final step in that process. i am stepping back into the unknown because i need to have things NOT be in control for awhile...not be predictable....but the difference is that it's my choice to walk to the edge and step off, knowing that God has ordered my steps. in the end, i don't have to fear the unknown because He's already in it. what's more, i don't have to make any desperate grasps at holding onto something that doesn't belong to me just so i can feel safe. i choose to hold it all with an open hand and let it be what it will be.

so, in three weeks, i will close one door and walk through the open one in front of me. i don't know what the next year of my life will bring, or what adventures i'll have, but that's okay. and although this goodbye may be bittersweet, i won't resist its coming. in fact, i think i'm ready for it.

actually, i know i am....

moving on?

this has been a brutal winter, filled with much frozen precip, leaking windows, scratched-up paint and flat tires, and failed efforts to get to the gym. and now, as winter's end seems more and more likely each day, that also means that i've lived in my current apartment for the last six and a half years—longer, in fact, than i've ever lived anywhere in my whole life. methinks it's time for a change.

bottom line: since the last snowstorm, i've been apartment shopping online, and yesterday i went to see a place downtown. i'm not gonna lie: it would be a bit of a stretch financially, but this place is SUPER convenient to work and fun city attractions, and, what's more, it has one location of the gym i belong to RIGHT INSIDE the building! needless to say, i was ridiculously happy when i discovered this. plus, it would cut my commute in about a third, and i would save mucho bucks on gas not sitting in traffic and not having to drive to and from the gym after or before work and on weekends. i'm waiting for a couple of things to be confirmed this week, and if all goes well, i'm going for it.

i admit i'm a little uneasy about giving up a month-to-month lease and having to pack ALL my stuff up again and pay someone to transport it to the new location (i am too old and too without young male friends to try and move myself), but the thought of being back downtown in a charming neighborhood, close to so many shops, restaurants, and the place where i spend at least 40 hours per week makes me more than a little happy.

here's to new (and hopefully better) things ahead.