new year, new look
on the eve of my 28th birthday, and with a new vision for the immediate future of my existence, i have come to the conclusion that it is time for a blog change! my comments are presently flipping out (update: i fixed 'em!! yay!!), but please throw in your 2 cents anyway.....
the next couple of days are packed with activities.....i will post more after the festivities have waned a bit. but in the mean time...
i am excited to see what is around the next corner. circumstantial experience would teach me to fear, perhaps, but i'm going to place my bets on God's love for me this time around. whatever comes my way, i know Who's bringing it....and all that He brings is good:)
and so i wait, Lord, with baited breath.....let's begin all over again.
Monday, June 30, 2003
Sunday, June 29, 2003
birthday celebration, part i
today, my parents came to baltimore for a dual birthday visit (my mother's is june 26; mine is july 1), and along with salimah, we all went to the baltimore museum of art to see their cassatt/whistler exhibit. not the most impressive thing ever, but i got to see some nice etchings of venice and figure drawings of mothers with their children. very pleasant and enjoyable to wander around and then browse in the gift shop. salimah bought me an extra long postcard with a print of 'nighthawks' by edward hopper, a magnet for the fridge, and a couple of ink stamps for my letter writing endeavors.
afterwards, we drove to greektown and had a scrumptious dinner at ikaros, a baltimore institution for 30+ years. spanikopita, moussaka, lamb so tender it fell apart when you stabbed it with your fork, soft, hot bread, salad with huge chunks of fresh feta cheese, cocktails, yummy galaktoboureko (custard topped with phyllo dough and sugary syrup), good conversation, relaxed time together. i was sad to see my parents go, but thankful that the time had gone so well....
after a brief nap, salimah and i drove to barnes & noble to read and have some drinks (her, a white chocolate mocha and me, a chai creme frappucino). i started a new book from my collection and am already finding myself marveling (some 10 pages in) at anne lamott's well-crafted prose.
tonight, as we drove home through the cool night air, i couldn't help but think that today was just so nice....i had made a decision this morning that i would enjoy whatever came my way today, and i had no problem feeling really pleased about it all. perhaps this will turn out to be a good birthday after all. stay tuned. tuesday is just around the corner:)....
today, my parents came to baltimore for a dual birthday visit (my mother's is june 26; mine is july 1), and along with salimah, we all went to the baltimore museum of art to see their cassatt/whistler exhibit. not the most impressive thing ever, but i got to see some nice etchings of venice and figure drawings of mothers with their children. very pleasant and enjoyable to wander around and then browse in the gift shop. salimah bought me an extra long postcard with a print of 'nighthawks' by edward hopper, a magnet for the fridge, and a couple of ink stamps for my letter writing endeavors.
afterwards, we drove to greektown and had a scrumptious dinner at ikaros, a baltimore institution for 30+ years. spanikopita, moussaka, lamb so tender it fell apart when you stabbed it with your fork, soft, hot bread, salad with huge chunks of fresh feta cheese, cocktails, yummy galaktoboureko (custard topped with phyllo dough and sugary syrup), good conversation, relaxed time together. i was sad to see my parents go, but thankful that the time had gone so well....
after a brief nap, salimah and i drove to barnes & noble to read and have some drinks (her, a white chocolate mocha and me, a chai creme frappucino). i started a new book from my collection and am already finding myself marveling (some 10 pages in) at anne lamott's well-crafted prose.
tonight, as we drove home through the cool night air, i couldn't help but think that today was just so nice....i had made a decision this morning that i would enjoy whatever came my way today, and i had no problem feeling really pleased about it all. perhaps this will turn out to be a good birthday after all. stay tuned. tuesday is just around the corner:)....
Thursday, June 26, 2003
'breakdown....breakthrough'
it is just 5 days until my 28th birthday, and i feel like things are starting to become clear, after all this time....
i am no longer satisfied with feeling like i've taken a backseat to my own existence. so much of my time has been spent allowing other people to make choices for me, or letting life sweep me into its currents without stepping back and asking myself is THIS what i REALLY want? and inside, there has been this nagging feeling that, all along, i have sold myself for cheap and failed to lead the life i really want to lead....the life that God has intended for me from the beginning.
well, no more. i am thinking in a more focused way, asking myself lots of questions, trying to make decisions once and for all - instead of my normal wish and wash.....
so, with all of that being said, i am hereby announcing that i have begun praying through whether or not to go back to school in another year or so. this issue keeps cropping up in my life, and every time, i haven't felt ready (whatever that means). bottom line: it was fear and/or confusion. i'm over that. if i decide not to go, it will be because i have a conviction about it, rather than feeling like i just can't do it.
one of the programs i am considering is the masters in pastoral counseling and spiritual care, offered at loyola college here in baltimore. i'm also going to look into some creative writing programs and perhaps a seminary or two. i'm not sure yet what path i'll take, but i feel like i want to do SOMETHING. it's not really about a career, but more about a richer existence. God, i submit myself to Your will....please make my paths straight - in this and all things.
on another note, i've picked up 40 hours now at this job (16 or so of which will be from home so that i can keep other commitments throughout the week). it's going really well; i feel like i'm an asset to this project. perhaps someone there will think so, too, and give me a permanent job!!:)
i'm also praying through my living situation and whether or not God will provide for both salimah and i to live on our own - sooner rather than later. up until recently, i couldn't even allow myself to seriously consider such a thing, because i had no kind of financial security. it's not that i do now, per se, but things are looking to be turning in that direction. it would be nice to live alone again....we shall see.
this year has been the hardest of my life so far. i have been swimming in a pool of sadness and, while i am not yet out of the dark, there is a light up ahead that is beginning to shine brighter all the time. there are miles to go for me, but i feel God's mercy giving me the means to rest awhile. and while there is a reprieve, i intend to make good use of it.
my life is in God's hands....and so, i press forward.
it is just 5 days until my 28th birthday, and i feel like things are starting to become clear, after all this time....
i am no longer satisfied with feeling like i've taken a backseat to my own existence. so much of my time has been spent allowing other people to make choices for me, or letting life sweep me into its currents without stepping back and asking myself is THIS what i REALLY want? and inside, there has been this nagging feeling that, all along, i have sold myself for cheap and failed to lead the life i really want to lead....the life that God has intended for me from the beginning.
well, no more. i am thinking in a more focused way, asking myself lots of questions, trying to make decisions once and for all - instead of my normal wish and wash.....
so, with all of that being said, i am hereby announcing that i have begun praying through whether or not to go back to school in another year or so. this issue keeps cropping up in my life, and every time, i haven't felt ready (whatever that means). bottom line: it was fear and/or confusion. i'm over that. if i decide not to go, it will be because i have a conviction about it, rather than feeling like i just can't do it.
one of the programs i am considering is the masters in pastoral counseling and spiritual care, offered at loyola college here in baltimore. i'm also going to look into some creative writing programs and perhaps a seminary or two. i'm not sure yet what path i'll take, but i feel like i want to do SOMETHING. it's not really about a career, but more about a richer existence. God, i submit myself to Your will....please make my paths straight - in this and all things.
on another note, i've picked up 40 hours now at this job (16 or so of which will be from home so that i can keep other commitments throughout the week). it's going really well; i feel like i'm an asset to this project. perhaps someone there will think so, too, and give me a permanent job!!:)
i'm also praying through my living situation and whether or not God will provide for both salimah and i to live on our own - sooner rather than later. up until recently, i couldn't even allow myself to seriously consider such a thing, because i had no kind of financial security. it's not that i do now, per se, but things are looking to be turning in that direction. it would be nice to live alone again....we shall see.
this year has been the hardest of my life so far. i have been swimming in a pool of sadness and, while i am not yet out of the dark, there is a light up ahead that is beginning to shine brighter all the time. there are miles to go for me, but i feel God's mercy giving me the means to rest awhile. and while there is a reprieve, i intend to make good use of it.
my life is in God's hands....and so, i press forward.
Saturday, June 21, 2003
memorandum
to: all the men who have waltzed out of my life on a dime
re: my cowardice
date: today, tomorrow, forevermore
i am writing to inform you that i deserve better than anything you ever gave me. i have always deserved better; i just didn't know it until recently. it is unfortunate that i didn't have the courage to kick you to the curb as you paraded your emotional antics in front of me on a semi-regular (if not daily) basis, somehow expecting me to swoon over the cheaply manufactured goods you were proffering. i have taken my egregious errors into consideration and will not be permitting any further soul-damaging madness to occur.
and for future reference, please refrain from expecting me to sell myself short in order to be in a relationship (if that's what you want to call it) with you or anyone of your ilk.
thank you for your time and attention to this matter. have a nice life.
to: all the men who have waltzed out of my life on a dime
re: my cowardice
date: today, tomorrow, forevermore
i am writing to inform you that i deserve better than anything you ever gave me. i have always deserved better; i just didn't know it until recently. it is unfortunate that i didn't have the courage to kick you to the curb as you paraded your emotional antics in front of me on a semi-regular (if not daily) basis, somehow expecting me to swoon over the cheaply manufactured goods you were proffering. i have taken my egregious errors into consideration and will not be permitting any further soul-damaging madness to occur.
and for future reference, please refrain from expecting me to sell myself short in order to be in a relationship (if that's what you want to call it) with you or anyone of your ilk.
thank you for your time and attention to this matter. have a nice life.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
to italicize or not to italicize? that is, actually, the question....
well, i've worked two full days now, and i must say that things are going even better than i expected. it also helps, of course, that salimah is my supervisor and i'm not dealing with any full-blown issues just now. we shall see what happens next!
i will say the following: it is good to feel somewhat productive again after all this time. here's hoping that the possibility opens up for more permanent work after some time passes....
in other news, i've already spent too much money buying lunch. i have GOT to go to the store and pick up some rations. perhaps tomorrow will be the day for such things. yesterday, we went to the whole foods within walking distance of our building. it's good, but it gets too crowded and has too many things from which to choose for lunchtime eats....such things stress me out. i need limited options to save myself from insanity. today, we went to a deli that has a salad bar...quite delish but way overpriced. word of advice: never buy food by weight. hidden costs lie in tomatoes and other heavy veggies:).
salimah and i are going to watch a mooovie now and perhaps eat some din-din (if there is any to be found). nothing exciting here, but isn't that a good thing once in awhile??
well, i've worked two full days now, and i must say that things are going even better than i expected. it also helps, of course, that salimah is my supervisor and i'm not dealing with any full-blown issues just now. we shall see what happens next!
i will say the following: it is good to feel somewhat productive again after all this time. here's hoping that the possibility opens up for more permanent work after some time passes....
in other news, i've already spent too much money buying lunch. i have GOT to go to the store and pick up some rations. perhaps tomorrow will be the day for such things. yesterday, we went to the whole foods within walking distance of our building. it's good, but it gets too crowded and has too many things from which to choose for lunchtime eats....such things stress me out. i need limited options to save myself from insanity. today, we went to a deli that has a salad bar...quite delish but way overpriced. word of advice: never buy food by weight. hidden costs lie in tomatoes and other heavy veggies:).
salimah and i are going to watch a mooovie now and perhaps eat some din-din (if there is any to be found). nothing exciting here, but isn't that a good thing once in awhile??
Monday, June 16, 2003
what i really want to say is...
...i'm still here.
...i'm starting a part-time job tomorrow at salimah's company.
...i'm worn out and keyed up all at once.
...there aren't quite enough hours in the day.
...i don't really know how much you want to see me.
...i don't really know how much i want to see you.
...i'm scared.
...don't assume anything.
...macaroni and cheese is yummy.
...i'm glad there's a 7-11 in my building.
...my new shoes are already busted.
...i don't feel comfortable enough with my own thoughts to put them out in the airflow.
...if you knew how i really feel, you might not like me anymore.
...i'm not sure that i care about that.
...i'm not sure that i don't.
...i don't know.
...yes, i do.
...no, i don't.
...i'm still here.
...i'm starting a part-time job tomorrow at salimah's company.
...i'm worn out and keyed up all at once.
...there aren't quite enough hours in the day.
...i don't really know how much you want to see me.
...i don't really know how much i want to see you.
...i'm scared.
...don't assume anything.
...macaroni and cheese is yummy.
...i'm glad there's a 7-11 in my building.
...my new shoes are already busted.
...i don't feel comfortable enough with my own thoughts to put them out in the airflow.
...if you knew how i really feel, you might not like me anymore.
...i'm not sure that i care about that.
...i'm not sure that i don't.
...i don't know.
...yes, i do.
...no, i don't.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
top ten albums that will ALWAYS remind me of freshman year in college (in no particular order, except #1):
1. counting crows, august and everything after
2. the cranberries, everybody else is doing it, so why can't we?
3. gin blossoms, new miserable experience
4. rich mullins, a liturgy, a legacy, & a ragamuffin band
5. erasure, pop!
6. simon & garfunkel, greatest hits
7. james, laid
8. any of the following three albums by the indigo girls: nomads, indians, saints; indigo girls; rites of passage
9. toad the wet sprocket, fear (this is a carryover from the summer after high school graduation)
10. jimmy buffett, songs you know by heart (ditto on #9)
1. counting crows, august and everything after
2. the cranberries, everybody else is doing it, so why can't we?
3. gin blossoms, new miserable experience
4. rich mullins, a liturgy, a legacy, & a ragamuffin band
5. erasure, pop!
6. simon & garfunkel, greatest hits
7. james, laid
8. any of the following three albums by the indigo girls: nomads, indians, saints; indigo girls; rites of passage
9. toad the wet sprocket, fear (this is a carryover from the summer after high school graduation)
10. jimmy buffett, songs you know by heart (ditto on #9)
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
still in a fog....here, nevertheless....
i ate leftover curried couscous for dinner tonight....decidedly unsatisfying by itself. it's too bad, really, that i didn't have any more of the roasted chicken that i made last night (orange, thyme, butter) - so good. and it didn't help me to learn that salimah had a burger when she was out to dinner with her friend, sara. man, what i wouldn't do for some beef right about now....
at least i got to spend a bit of time with michael, who dropped over to see how i was doing. we had a good chat as always...i love being able to really TALK about God with him. it's so fulfilling to go deep with someone else about the profound mysteries of our Creator....to share in our struggles and joys, to sense the Holy Spirit really teaching us and grounding us in His truth. it still amazes me how quick the human heart is to wander from what is true about God and His abundant love for us....what a blessing it is to be able to point each other back when necessary....added bonus: he makes me smile:).
before i sign off and go collapse in my feverish state, i want to say to my lovely friends who sent me e-mails wishing me health and wellness - thank you so much! i will be getting in touch with you shortly....
okay, so technically, i don't have a fever, but i FEEL like i do. i cannot stop sweating. my throat is swollen. my chest and nose are congested, and i suspect that i may even have pink eye. yes. i know. grody. this morning when i awoke, i leaned over to look at the clock and realized that i couldn't see a thing, because my eyelids were stuck together. when i did manage to pry them apart and looked in the mirror through the blurred glaze that covered my visual field, it was all about a not-so-lovely reddish color. oy vey.
i feel like bernie mac: pray for me, america....
i ate leftover curried couscous for dinner tonight....decidedly unsatisfying by itself. it's too bad, really, that i didn't have any more of the roasted chicken that i made last night (orange, thyme, butter) - so good. and it didn't help me to learn that salimah had a burger when she was out to dinner with her friend, sara. man, what i wouldn't do for some beef right about now....
at least i got to spend a bit of time with michael, who dropped over to see how i was doing. we had a good chat as always...i love being able to really TALK about God with him. it's so fulfilling to go deep with someone else about the profound mysteries of our Creator....to share in our struggles and joys, to sense the Holy Spirit really teaching us and grounding us in His truth. it still amazes me how quick the human heart is to wander from what is true about God and His abundant love for us....what a blessing it is to be able to point each other back when necessary....added bonus: he makes me smile:).
before i sign off and go collapse in my feverish state, i want to say to my lovely friends who sent me e-mails wishing me health and wellness - thank you so much! i will be getting in touch with you shortly....
okay, so technically, i don't have a fever, but i FEEL like i do. i cannot stop sweating. my throat is swollen. my chest and nose are congested, and i suspect that i may even have pink eye. yes. i know. grody. this morning when i awoke, i leaned over to look at the clock and realized that i couldn't see a thing, because my eyelids were stuck together. when i did manage to pry them apart and looked in the mirror through the blurred glaze that covered my visual field, it was all about a not-so-lovely reddish color. oy vey.
i feel like bernie mac: pray for me, america....
Thursday, June 05, 2003
wonder of all wonders, here i am....blog-reading world, please forgive me. i am in a slump. a big one. and on top of it all, i have a cold.
sniff
because my life is so exciting, i will now proceed to inform you that my health insurance was cancelled (temporarily, i think) due to a huge screw-up that was not my fault. this has been occupying my brain for the last few hours and adding stress on top of the mountain of my discontent. fear not, though, dear reader. i will most likely be back in the swing of things (more interesting blog entries possibly included!) in the near future.
one can always hope....
sniff
because my life is so exciting, i will now proceed to inform you that my health insurance was cancelled (temporarily, i think) due to a huge screw-up that was not my fault. this has been occupying my brain for the last few hours and adding stress on top of the mountain of my discontent. fear not, though, dear reader. i will most likely be back in the swing of things (more interesting blog entries possibly included!) in the near future.
one can always hope....
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
shiny, happy people
it's amazing to me that one simple conversation can change one's entire perspective on an issue, a relationship, whatever....i admit that i am far too typically making assumptions based on negative perceptions i have of myself that i am certain other people share. did that make sense?
i was talking with a dear friend of mine yesterday, and she remarked to me that she is not an optimistic person, that she rarely thinks things will go well. in fact, she has recently been feeling rather positively about something in her life, and she knows it must be God speaking to her, because the chances of her own heart and mind coming up with such information are slim at best. for some reason, it dawned on me in that moment that i am precisely that way about a lot of things. i've had people tell me before that i'm a pessimist, and i always tried to reassure them that, in actuality, i am simply realistic. i'm fairly certain that this is true; however, i must say that even realists have their moments of optimism, right? if that's the case, then i'm still lacking in that 'positive' vibe.
it's an issue of trust, really. i'm still trying to really learn and live the truth about who God is and who He says i am to Him....trying to understand it in a way that goes past my brain and engages my heart, effecting real, lifelong change. along the road, though, i try to trust God as much as i can but remain honest about the reality of humanity and the bad choices many people make. i have always been a fan of breaking things down and calling them by name. this, i am sure, will never change....
update, 2:30 a.m.
because i am posting this entry in 2 separate installments (the first one got interrupted by din-din), i must say that i FINALLY worked out again. man, i'm wiped! it probably wasn't the brightest thing for me to do this at 1:00 a.m., but i knew that if i didn't go then, another day would go by without me moving my butt....believe you me, my butt needs moving!
anyway, i didn't do a full workout, but i came close, and perhaps within a day or so, i'll be back up to snuff. now, i'm off to shower and bed, because morning comes sooner than i would want, and i need to be out the door by 9:45.
g'night all:)
it's amazing to me that one simple conversation can change one's entire perspective on an issue, a relationship, whatever....i admit that i am far too typically making assumptions based on negative perceptions i have of myself that i am certain other people share. did that make sense?
i was talking with a dear friend of mine yesterday, and she remarked to me that she is not an optimistic person, that she rarely thinks things will go well. in fact, she has recently been feeling rather positively about something in her life, and she knows it must be God speaking to her, because the chances of her own heart and mind coming up with such information are slim at best. for some reason, it dawned on me in that moment that i am precisely that way about a lot of things. i've had people tell me before that i'm a pessimist, and i always tried to reassure them that, in actuality, i am simply realistic. i'm fairly certain that this is true; however, i must say that even realists have their moments of optimism, right? if that's the case, then i'm still lacking in that 'positive' vibe.
it's an issue of trust, really. i'm still trying to really learn and live the truth about who God is and who He says i am to Him....trying to understand it in a way that goes past my brain and engages my heart, effecting real, lifelong change. along the road, though, i try to trust God as much as i can but remain honest about the reality of humanity and the bad choices many people make. i have always been a fan of breaking things down and calling them by name. this, i am sure, will never change....
update, 2:30 a.m.
because i am posting this entry in 2 separate installments (the first one got interrupted by din-din), i must say that i FINALLY worked out again. man, i'm wiped! it probably wasn't the brightest thing for me to do this at 1:00 a.m., but i knew that if i didn't go then, another day would go by without me moving my butt....believe you me, my butt needs moving!
anyway, i didn't do a full workout, but i came close, and perhaps within a day or so, i'll be back up to snuff. now, i'm off to shower and bed, because morning comes sooner than i would want, and i need to be out the door by 9:45.
g'night all:)
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
'never, never, never quit' - winston churchill
tonight, salimah and i went to barnes & noble in towson to scope out some cards for her sister who is graduating tomorrow. i also bought her this metal bookmark with the above quote and got myself 'atonement' by ian mcewan. it's been on my wishlist for about 2 years now, and i don't want to wait any longer to read it. besides, it was on sale....
so, speaking of quitting, it has been three days since i hit the fitness room, and i'm feeling much the worse for it. in addition, my eating habits have not been so good this weekend. that was generous, actually; they've been dismal. in all honesty, i've felt under the weather and achy since friday, and who wants to work out when you feel yucky?
i'm hoping that the morning will bring new exercising mercies and that i can get back on track for the week ahead. this past week, i had 4 workouts. i'm hoping for at least that many in the coming days....
it's ALL about praying on the treadmill, people....
tonight, salimah and i went to barnes & noble in towson to scope out some cards for her sister who is graduating tomorrow. i also bought her this metal bookmark with the above quote and got myself 'atonement' by ian mcewan. it's been on my wishlist for about 2 years now, and i don't want to wait any longer to read it. besides, it was on sale....
so, speaking of quitting, it has been three days since i hit the fitness room, and i'm feeling much the worse for it. in addition, my eating habits have not been so good this weekend. that was generous, actually; they've been dismal. in all honesty, i've felt under the weather and achy since friday, and who wants to work out when you feel yucky?
i'm hoping that the morning will bring new exercising mercies and that i can get back on track for the week ahead. this past week, i had 4 workouts. i'm hoping for at least that many in the coming days....
it's ALL about praying on the treadmill, people....
Sunday, May 25, 2003
keanu sho' can kick!
because a certain friend of mine announced that it wasn't a good thing that i had not blogged in days, i give you the following post:
i went to see 'the matrix: reloaded' tonight. so good. even better than the first, i think. michael and i both enjoyed it and i'm sure will need to see it several more times to be able to digest it all. everything about it would have been fine, save for one detail: the people in front of us were TOTAL PUNKS! i wanted to kick their butts so badly, but refrained so as not to embarrass them for getting whipped by a girl;). seriously, there were two guys and a girl sitting in front of us, and one of the guys had the nerve to flip open his cell phone and begin checking his e-mail and DOWNLOADING FILES(!) as soon as the movie started. the screen was shining right into my eyes and creating both a distraction and a glare on my glasses. figuring he would have enough sense to be polite, i waited a few minutes before finally leaning forward and asking him to please turn it off. he plainly told me NO and kept on doing his thing. after a bit longer, michael asked him to turn it off, since it was causing a serious glare. he informed us that we should TAKE OFF OUR GLASSES.
first of all - WHAT?! in what way does that make sense? secondly, that guy had some nerve to talk to us like that. he had ZERO qualms about doing whatever he felt like doing, regardless of how it was affecting those around him. so, after his second snide answer, michael got up and went to speak to the manager, who informed him that someone would come 'right away' to check the situation. twenty minutes later, after mr. e-mailer had finally turned his cell phone off on his own, someone wandered in to do their typical 'rounds', which apparently involve wandering aimlessly about the theatre, half-heartedly checking for miscreants and violators of movie theater etiquette. POINTLESS.
after the movie, we went to the managers' station and i gave them a piece of my mind, told them plainly that it was completely unacceptable that we, two patrons who PAID to get in, should have to police the behavior of the other people in the theatre. when a nearby usher began making excuses for why she didn't come in there until later than we had asked (her manager had just told her - clearly, our request meant nothing to him), i informed her that it was not her that was to blame. it was, quite simply, the management. and i looked at them all while i said that. they did apologize several times and even handed us four pieces of paper, which we both assumed were passes to come back for another show. we thanked them for their time and their generosity and left.
as we're walking back to the car, i looked down at the tickets. yeah. they were vouchers for FREE SODAS. four of them. insulting? exactly.
next time i try to go to the movies on a saturday night, someone please remind me that this is the kind of crap that gets perpetrated on weekends...and, more specifically, on me. please. for the love of all that is good and kind.
i beg of you....please.
because a certain friend of mine announced that it wasn't a good thing that i had not blogged in days, i give you the following post:
i went to see 'the matrix: reloaded' tonight. so good. even better than the first, i think. michael and i both enjoyed it and i'm sure will need to see it several more times to be able to digest it all. everything about it would have been fine, save for one detail: the people in front of us were TOTAL PUNKS! i wanted to kick their butts so badly, but refrained so as not to embarrass them for getting whipped by a girl;). seriously, there were two guys and a girl sitting in front of us, and one of the guys had the nerve to flip open his cell phone and begin checking his e-mail and DOWNLOADING FILES(!) as soon as the movie started. the screen was shining right into my eyes and creating both a distraction and a glare on my glasses. figuring he would have enough sense to be polite, i waited a few minutes before finally leaning forward and asking him to please turn it off. he plainly told me NO and kept on doing his thing. after a bit longer, michael asked him to turn it off, since it was causing a serious glare. he informed us that we should TAKE OFF OUR GLASSES.
first of all - WHAT?! in what way does that make sense? secondly, that guy had some nerve to talk to us like that. he had ZERO qualms about doing whatever he felt like doing, regardless of how it was affecting those around him. so, after his second snide answer, michael got up and went to speak to the manager, who informed him that someone would come 'right away' to check the situation. twenty minutes later, after mr. e-mailer had finally turned his cell phone off on his own, someone wandered in to do their typical 'rounds', which apparently involve wandering aimlessly about the theatre, half-heartedly checking for miscreants and violators of movie theater etiquette. POINTLESS.
after the movie, we went to the managers' station and i gave them a piece of my mind, told them plainly that it was completely unacceptable that we, two patrons who PAID to get in, should have to police the behavior of the other people in the theatre. when a nearby usher began making excuses for why she didn't come in there until later than we had asked (her manager had just told her - clearly, our request meant nothing to him), i informed her that it was not her that was to blame. it was, quite simply, the management. and i looked at them all while i said that. they did apologize several times and even handed us four pieces of paper, which we both assumed were passes to come back for another show. we thanked them for their time and their generosity and left.
as we're walking back to the car, i looked down at the tickets. yeah. they were vouchers for FREE SODAS. four of them. insulting? exactly.
next time i try to go to the movies on a saturday night, someone please remind me that this is the kind of crap that gets perpetrated on weekends...and, more specifically, on me. please. for the love of all that is good and kind.
i beg of you....please.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
funeral
that's it. i offed my weather pixie. she was getting on my nerves - never wearing appropriate clothes for the temperature, never showing the actual updated weather conditions. come on, people...did you really think there have been clear skies in baltimore for 2 months now? um....yeah....i didn't think so.
anyway, you can mourn if you want to, but frankly, i'm not sorry to see her go. i loathe inaccuracy, even if she was cute.
rest in peace, yo.
that's it. i offed my weather pixie. she was getting on my nerves - never wearing appropriate clothes for the temperature, never showing the actual updated weather conditions. come on, people...did you really think there have been clear skies in baltimore for 2 months now? um....yeah....i didn't think so.
anyway, you can mourn if you want to, but frankly, i'm not sorry to see her go. i loathe inaccuracy, even if she was cute.
rest in peace, yo.
Sunday, May 18, 2003
i hope you dance
i sat at the table, listening to my aunt spew her political rage all over the lovely apple cake and tea, her husband all too happy to chime in with his two cents' worth about how our president is clearly a fool (i will spare you his choice of expletives). there was a lot of nodding going on, but not from me. i just sat there, looking at them, wondering how long i should put up with this frenzy of nonsense before politely excusing myself and beating a hasty retreat for the city. how funny it is that in a house full of people who are bound by blood and genetic codes, no one really seems to know anyone else....or to be interested in knowing them, for that matter. they endure one another's stories, the details of lives that hardly intertwine. and while you might look at the laughter and the loud story-telling and think it fun and heartwarming, imagine (if you will) a room full of people all talking at once but no one actually saying anything. apparently, it takes a LOT of noise to cover up the anxiety at the thought of just being together sometimes.
and in the midst of the throng, those are the moments in which i feel so particularly alone in this world. i'm guessing that i'm not the only one, because the men, in accordance with tradition, escaped to the living room to numb their minds with some type of sports-related programming on tv. the women remained, trading anecdotes and washing dishes and countertops. and the only touching thing about it all was when my mom proudly told her blank-eyed sisters about the mother's day card i had picked for her...the one with the photograph of the ballet shoes (she used to dance, 'in a former life') and the pale pink roses on the front. it was my way of saying to my mom i remember who you are, even behind all those corporate suits and church committee dinners. i remember who you used to be, even before i knew you.
i could tell that it touched her...and i'm glad it did, because i meant every word that i wrote inside, about how things being hard has never changed my love for her. and everyone needs to be reminded of the fact that, at the end of the day when all the facades fall down and the masks come off, someone does love them - for better or worse. and if it should come from someone you gave birth to...or from a friend that you met because you infringed upon their dinner one night...or from someone you never expected would care for someone as messed up as you...well, so much the better.
i've learned that life is too short to spend your life across the table from people who don't even know what's important to you, deep down inside...even if they are your 'family.' i'd rather be alone in a room, in the quiet of my thoughts, my pain, my problems, than in a crowd of mere acquaintances who don't even know what i like or how i think or what i feel. i spent a lot of years dulling my senses in the midst of the noise so that i couldn't feel the hurt inside. but now, with every breath, with every step and twirl and toss of my head, i am letting it rise up and go out, bit by bit. sometimes, i may wander and stumble and curse and forget and fall, but i am not failing....i am not suppressing or running or denying.
i am sitting at the table and i am not ashamed of who i am.
and lonely or not, i am not alone.
i sat at the table, listening to my aunt spew her political rage all over the lovely apple cake and tea, her husband all too happy to chime in with his two cents' worth about how our president is clearly a fool (i will spare you his choice of expletives). there was a lot of nodding going on, but not from me. i just sat there, looking at them, wondering how long i should put up with this frenzy of nonsense before politely excusing myself and beating a hasty retreat for the city. how funny it is that in a house full of people who are bound by blood and genetic codes, no one really seems to know anyone else....or to be interested in knowing them, for that matter. they endure one another's stories, the details of lives that hardly intertwine. and while you might look at the laughter and the loud story-telling and think it fun and heartwarming, imagine (if you will) a room full of people all talking at once but no one actually saying anything. apparently, it takes a LOT of noise to cover up the anxiety at the thought of just being together sometimes.
and in the midst of the throng, those are the moments in which i feel so particularly alone in this world. i'm guessing that i'm not the only one, because the men, in accordance with tradition, escaped to the living room to numb their minds with some type of sports-related programming on tv. the women remained, trading anecdotes and washing dishes and countertops. and the only touching thing about it all was when my mom proudly told her blank-eyed sisters about the mother's day card i had picked for her...the one with the photograph of the ballet shoes (she used to dance, 'in a former life') and the pale pink roses on the front. it was my way of saying to my mom i remember who you are, even behind all those corporate suits and church committee dinners. i remember who you used to be, even before i knew you.
i could tell that it touched her...and i'm glad it did, because i meant every word that i wrote inside, about how things being hard has never changed my love for her. and everyone needs to be reminded of the fact that, at the end of the day when all the facades fall down and the masks come off, someone does love them - for better or worse. and if it should come from someone you gave birth to...or from a friend that you met because you infringed upon their dinner one night...or from someone you never expected would care for someone as messed up as you...well, so much the better.
i've learned that life is too short to spend your life across the table from people who don't even know what's important to you, deep down inside...even if they are your 'family.' i'd rather be alone in a room, in the quiet of my thoughts, my pain, my problems, than in a crowd of mere acquaintances who don't even know what i like or how i think or what i feel. i spent a lot of years dulling my senses in the midst of the noise so that i couldn't feel the hurt inside. but now, with every breath, with every step and twirl and toss of my head, i am letting it rise up and go out, bit by bit. sometimes, i may wander and stumble and curse and forget and fall, but i am not failing....i am not suppressing or running or denying.
i am sitting at the table and i am not ashamed of who i am.
and lonely or not, i am not alone.
Friday, May 16, 2003
lettuce pray....
i must say that, while it's only been a couple of weeks of more-regular-than-not exercise, i already feel a change in my body. tonight, i put on my 'laundry jeans' (you know, the ones that you don't really wear out in public because they don't fit super well) and they are decidedly looser. i just ate a rather large green salad for dinner with some roasted chicken, a bit of cheese, and then had an orange. i'm stuffed and feeling like lying on the floor and moaning for awhile....
speaking of exercise, i worked my arms like crazy today, and they were weak for several hours afterwards, with occasional 'twitching'. is this bad? i don't even know.
my clothes are churning in some soapy water on the floor below us (our laundry room sucks), and tonight i will sleep on clean sheets. gotta love that....
i finished a novel today. it was just okay. nothing that blew my socks off, but i wasn't really expecting that it would. it's hard to find actual literature these days....
off to bed in a few hours with hopes that i'll sleep through the night without serious back pain. God, please hook me up with some mercy!!
postscript: i just read on yahoo news that barry white had a stroke on may 1 and is also battling kidney failure. he's in bad shape, yo....come on, barry. work it out....i'm not sure we'll ever be able to get enough of your love, babe...it's that velvety deep voice. i'm having serious flashbacks of living in monty county and hearing his soothing, sexy tones talking to me from our living room stereo where salimah was blasting his greatest hits. it used to freak me out from time to time when it would take me a minute to realize that there wasn't some strange, lovemaking man in our apartment:)
i must say that, while it's only been a couple of weeks of more-regular-than-not exercise, i already feel a change in my body. tonight, i put on my 'laundry jeans' (you know, the ones that you don't really wear out in public because they don't fit super well) and they are decidedly looser. i just ate a rather large green salad for dinner with some roasted chicken, a bit of cheese, and then had an orange. i'm stuffed and feeling like lying on the floor and moaning for awhile....
speaking of exercise, i worked my arms like crazy today, and they were weak for several hours afterwards, with occasional 'twitching'. is this bad? i don't even know.
my clothes are churning in some soapy water on the floor below us (our laundry room sucks), and tonight i will sleep on clean sheets. gotta love that....
i finished a novel today. it was just okay. nothing that blew my socks off, but i wasn't really expecting that it would. it's hard to find actual literature these days....
off to bed in a few hours with hopes that i'll sleep through the night without serious back pain. God, please hook me up with some mercy!!
postscript: i just read on yahoo news that barry white had a stroke on may 1 and is also battling kidney failure. he's in bad shape, yo....come on, barry. work it out....i'm not sure we'll ever be able to get enough of your love, babe...it's that velvety deep voice. i'm having serious flashbacks of living in monty county and hearing his soothing, sexy tones talking to me from our living room stereo where salimah was blasting his greatest hits. it used to freak me out from time to time when it would take me a minute to realize that there wasn't some strange, lovemaking man in our apartment:)
where you at?
i would love to be one of those lettuce-only-eating, non-chalant types that sips her mineral water and looks with near disdain at everything around her. okay, but i'm not. not in the least. i like working it out, saying how i feel. i am all about the returned phone call. i care about stuff. almost everything, actually. i have strong opinions. i despise bland food. i am a fan of air conditioning.
my pulse is racing. God, your sense of humor astounds me sometimes....
i would love to be one of those lettuce-only-eating, non-chalant types that sips her mineral water and looks with near disdain at everything around her. okay, but i'm not. not in the least. i like working it out, saying how i feel. i am all about the returned phone call. i care about stuff. almost everything, actually. i have strong opinions. i despise bland food. i am a fan of air conditioning.
my pulse is racing. God, your sense of humor astounds me sometimes....
Thursday, May 15, 2003
why should i care?
i'm having a bad day. last night, i cracked part of my big toe nail off on michael's shoe; it bled and is really sore and tender. i've got a mind-numbing headache that i've had for the last 24+ hours. and on top of it, i feel sad enough to break apart. anything else crappy that has happened today is just icing on my big cake of mess.
please excuse me. i need a nap. a long one.
i'm having a bad day. last night, i cracked part of my big toe nail off on michael's shoe; it bled and is really sore and tender. i've got a mind-numbing headache that i've had for the last 24+ hours. and on top of it, i feel sad enough to break apart. anything else crappy that has happened today is just icing on my big cake of mess.
please excuse me. i need a nap. a long one.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
i have redeemed myself fish-wise. today, i lightly breaded and sauteed some more of my flounder fillets and they turned out SO well. little spritzing of lemon...perfect:) how can a person possibly feel weighed down after eating white fish for lunch? impossible, i tell you....
in other news, i'm thinking of re-naming my blog and revamping my template. i DO have a webpage separate from this that i actually pay for, but i haven't exerted the mental energy necessary to really doll it up so that it's a fit enough place to house my thoughts. i'd like to get this whole thing resolved, though. it's taking up too much space in my brain....
yesterday's workout went pretty well, all things considered. i pushed myself on the weight machines and felt good about the outcome. and i did even manage to log some time in on the bike, which, surprisingly, didn't hurt my back too much. i'm still hurting in that regard, but i'm feeling strangely optimistic that it will work itself out sooner rather than later.
more thoughts will be forthcoming about various and sundry things....
in other news, i'm thinking of re-naming my blog and revamping my template. i DO have a webpage separate from this that i actually pay for, but i haven't exerted the mental energy necessary to really doll it up so that it's a fit enough place to house my thoughts. i'd like to get this whole thing resolved, though. it's taking up too much space in my brain....
yesterday's workout went pretty well, all things considered. i pushed myself on the weight machines and felt good about the outcome. and i did even manage to log some time in on the bike, which, surprisingly, didn't hurt my back too much. i'm still hurting in that regard, but i'm feeling strangely optimistic that it will work itself out sooner rather than later.
more thoughts will be forthcoming about various and sundry things....
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