'breakdown....breakthrough'

it is just 5 days until my 28th birthday, and i feel like things are starting to become clear, after all this time....

i am no longer satisfied with feeling like i've taken a backseat to my own existence. so much of my time has been spent allowing other people to make choices for me, or letting life sweep me into its currents without stepping back and asking myself is THIS what i REALLY want? and inside, there has been this nagging feeling that, all along, i have sold myself for cheap and failed to lead the life i really want to lead....the life that God has intended for me from the beginning.

well, no more. i am thinking in a more focused way, asking myself lots of questions, trying to make decisions once and for all - instead of my normal wish and wash.....

so, with all of that being said, i am hereby announcing that i have begun praying through whether or not to go back to school in another year or so. this issue keeps cropping up in my life, and every time, i haven't felt ready (whatever that means). bottom line: it was fear and/or confusion. i'm over that. if i decide not to go, it will be because i have a conviction about it, rather than feeling like i just can't do it.

one of the programs i am considering is the masters in pastoral counseling and spiritual care, offered at loyola college here in baltimore. i'm also going to look into some creative writing programs and perhaps a seminary or two. i'm not sure yet what path i'll take, but i feel like i want to do SOMETHING. it's not really about a career, but more about a richer existence. God, i submit myself to Your will....please make my paths straight - in this and all things.

on another note, i've picked up 40 hours now at this job (16 or so of which will be from home so that i can keep other commitments throughout the week). it's going really well; i feel like i'm an asset to this project. perhaps someone there will think so, too, and give me a permanent job!!:)

i'm also praying through my living situation and whether or not God will provide for both salimah and i to live on our own - sooner rather than later. up until recently, i couldn't even allow myself to seriously consider such a thing, because i had no kind of financial security. it's not that i do now, per se, but things are looking to be turning in that direction. it would be nice to live alone again....we shall see.

this year has been the hardest of my life so far. i have been swimming in a pool of sadness and, while i am not yet out of the dark, there is a light up ahead that is beginning to shine brighter all the time. there are miles to go for me, but i feel God's mercy giving me the means to rest awhile. and while there is a reprieve, i intend to make good use of it.

my life is in God's hands....and so, i press forward.