turkey eve

i'm on a week hiatus from work (using up the old vacation time) and in order to pass the hours of what would surely have been boredom (ha!), i concocted a nice little upper respiratory infection that has knocked the (literal) wind out of me. i swear, sometimes it feels like i can't catch a break, and one of those times has been this entire SEASON.

first it was a bad sinus infection in late summer, then the shingles in early fall, and now a major case of bronchitis before turkey day. i hereby declare that NO MORE DISEASE is allowed to cross my doorstep for the foreseeable future. do you hear me? because i mean it this time, and when i get a bee in my bonnet, it's best not to cross me.

:)

now then, since i have some 'extra' time on my hands spent wrapped up in blankets and pjs, i'm watching all my DVRed episodes of oprah and mentally plotting what christmas cookies i want to bake this year. (a dear friend informed me that i was to get on a big batch of pecan tassies post haste or there would be hell to pay. methinks she's onto something.) tomorrow i hope to share the day of thanks with salimah and her fam—if i can drag my sorry butt off the couch and put on a little makeup and some real clothes—because nothing says turkey day like some semi-drunken game playing, blackmail videos of salimah's sister dancing with the dog, uproarious laughter (my side!), and liquored up sweet potato pie. and i'm not even doing any cooking this year!

my motto for tomorrow (and every day, really): don't let the turkeys get you down. truer words, people....truer words....

musings from an (un?)seasonably cold saturday morning

so here's the deal: i'm frustrated with myself. sure, i could pinpoint any number of piddly little reasons, but there's one big one that's been making me kick myself for a couple of weeks now. and the thing that's most annoying? i only have SOME control over it (in other words, i'm pseudo pissed at myself for something i can't entirely do something about. makes sense, no?). oh girl, when will you ever learn?

now then, in addition to that, i feel like i've been wasting my own time lately running in circles like some type of silly school girl. what's that about? oh, right: i'm bored. the idle mind really IS the devil's playground sometimes, i think. project for the winter: stop the madness.

and speaking of winter, it got decidedly cold last night. like, below freezing cold. no wonder my throat hurts and i feel like i could just mainline hot cocoa lately. note to self: sleep more, stay hydrated, and stop fretting, for heaven's sake!

before i recede into shadows once again....

happy november, world! here is a little listy to keep you up to date with my goings-on and whereabouts and what-not:

1. i've seen 'this is it' twice now, and i have to say that the love is still very much there. two hours watching that genius did my heart good:).
2. i'm contemplating dying my hair darker. not sure if it'll happen or not, but i'm fully contemplating (think auburn!).
3. i'm woefully unprepared for the impending holidays.
4. i'm nearly over the shingles, although i'm still having some nerve pain. but just a little these days.
5. i'm still fully entrenched in a bonafide writer's block. blech.
6. i heart cottage cheese lately with some type of passion (almost). eerie.
7. i've had a few mild adventures, but nothing to write home about.
8. i'm slowly but surely making progress on some major life goals i started tackling within the last year. that makes me happy.
9. i'm feeling more and more sure of where i want to go and what i want to do once i get there.
10. well rested? not so much.

so, that about sums up my fall. here's hoping i have something else to say before december peeks its head around the corner. i guess we'll all find out together....

what i have to say about my life reminds me of the B52s lyric 'tin roof.....RUSTED'

so let's see, where were we? ah yes, fall. fall is here. fall has fallen. fall has....well, so far....not been that great. i mean, sure, i'm glad to see the end of the summer temps and the start of all things warm and cozy (including my desire for making soup and roasting veggies and wearing fuzzy socks). but this fall has also meant some exhaustion, a turning of a page into a new chapter of 'stuff i need to deal with,' and a case of the shingles.

yeah, that's right. shingles. that condition that is theoretically not supposed to hit you until you're of AARP-card-carrying age. let me just say, for anyone still reading, that i cannot recommend one thing about this affliction, except perhaps that sometimes, percocet-induced sleep can be quite delish. first there's pain, swelling (it looked like i had the mumps last week), itching, burning, the feeling as though there are bugs crawling on me, and occasional jolts of ice cold across my scalp. in other words, awesome.

thankfully i went straight away to the doctor and got myself on a course of antivirals, steroids, and the aforementioned painkillers.

since then it's been a slow crawl back to 'normal,' and i'm still having enough symptoms and headaches that i can't make a full day back at the office just yet.

but i'm moving forward, despite all of it, and i'm still making some good choices in other areas of my life.

in other news, i'm moderately obsessed with cottage cheese.

but perhaps that's a story for another day.

nice to see you, internets. who knows? maybe i won't be such a stranger in the month of november....:)

again and again

fall has, decidedly, arrived, and i have been silent here for more than a month. at times i try to diagnose this dry spell, but then i give up, realizing that it will end when it sees fit.

tonight my mind is traffic-jammed with thoughts and i'm not much for words, but i have learned to let others' musings suffice when mine do not. here is rilke's take on things, circa 1914:

again and again, even though we know love's landscape
and the little churchyard with its lamenting names
and the terrible reticent gorge into which the others
end: again and again the two of us go out together
under the ancient trees, lay ourselves down again and again
among the flowers, facing opposite the sky.

i'll be back soon, blog world. promise.

in the works

this afternoon, i finally purchased my domain name. it's only taken me, what, 5 years to do it? but it's done now. i went ahead and bit the bullet, got some hosting, and am in the process of figuring this whole 'full-on' web site thing out. it's not that i don't know what i'm doing, per se (although, i admit that i have a LOT to learn still), but it's more that i need to sit down and devote some time to actually setting up basic structures, figuring out what i don't know (and rectifying that), deciding on structure, color scheme, and overall theme, and taking my designer friend v. up on her offer of making my new home pretty.

so, for now, i'm still here. but it won't be long before you'll see me in a new light....

representation

in this world of ever-present sound bites, i am finding myself frequently throwing out status messages on twitter and facebook and neglecting to write multi-sentence paragraphs to express myself. this is a problem.

although i love the idea of instant communication and the quoting of a song lyric to condense an entire wave of emotion in one simple phrase, the importance of crafting prose cannot be underestimated. how can i in any way fancy myself to be any type of writer if i cannot, in fact, write anymore?

i assure you, internets, that i have much to say. i just cannot think of ANY of it when i sit down to put fingers to keyboard. i know i mentioned in a previous post that i'm suffering from a kind of writer's block, but in actuality, i think i'm suffering from sound bite-itis. there are only so many times that i can quote the lyrics to a bread song or some colbie caillat or david gray lovesick refrain before the words become stilted and clichéd (although to me they really never will). i have to find my own words again...to look at the world and feel all that i feel and then share it with you...with myself...in a way that really means something.

i don't know what the real answer is here. i'm not sure whether a period of silence and reflection would make a difference, or whether i just need to write more as an exercise--even if i have nothing to say. so, to myself i make this promise: in the coming days, i will try to put more thoughts out there, even if to the outside world they mean absolutely nothing. the point, i suppose, is that i keep speaking my mind. these words, after all, are often all i have, looking back. and whether they are single sentences or long, blustery paragraphs...whether they are my words or some i've bogarted from others....i will let them speak for me. they are my memory. they are how i connect who i was then with who i am now....and with who i will be tomorrow. they are, quite simply, my emissaries, my purveyors of truth.

right on.

write on.

winding down

it's been a busy few weeks (months, really), and although the summer doesn't look to be slowing down to welcome the onslaught of fall, i am thrilled to report that i don't miss being in school ONE BIT. having my evenings and weekends taken up with things other than homework is still just divine. perhaps i'm in a honeymoon period; if that's what this is, so be it. it's far, far better than staying up until 2 a.m. to finish a paper on a friday night.

in celebration of my new-found freedom, of sorts, this summer has been one of films and grocery shopping with abandon. i am a produce hound, and as soon as my refrigerator begins to empty of all the fruits and veggies, i return to fill up a cart and lug home my wares to stuff my crisper box and all three shelves with packages of peppers, blueberries, strawberries, various forms of lettuce, green onions, long english cucumbers, baby carrots, and crispy-tart grapes. i'm telling you - it's been one hell of a summer.

in the midst of all of this, i have been working my tail off at my job trying to stay on top of deadlines, so because i don't have a ton of mental energy at the end of each day, i've enjoyed drowning myself in luscious, useless 'reality' programming until bedtime. and at night, i crawl under my fairly newly acquired beachy-green duvet cover and blue-green-taupe paisley sheets and drift off to dreamland with a long to-do list hung for safekeeping in the upper recesses of my consciousness.

i've had a pedicure that's lasted me for a month and a half. that's an accomplishment worthy of its own paragraph breaks.

i've made a few new friends and have enjoyed the prospect of impromptu dinners out and occasional meet-ups for various social gatherings. in line with this, i'm trying to say 'yes' more than i say 'no.' (i admit that sometimes this is easier said than done.)

i have lovely red globe lanterns (replete with white stars) hanging on my balcony. this still delights me in ways i cannot explain.

i am learning to embrace the heat a bit more (just a bit).

although this summer has treated me fairly well, i am all too happy to let fall arrive in all its grandeur, bringing with it the crisp evening air, the early mornings where darkness lingers, and the long drives down country roads bursting with all the best colors nature can offer. to be honest, my heart is ready for the next thing, the new adventure, the fresh notepads and pens filled with ink (oh, the promise that they hold!), the talks over coffee, the long lists with checked-off items, and the knowledge that i am one day closer to everything i hold dear.

as long as there are more words inside me, i will keep writing.

despite the fact that this post contains actual words...

...i'm pretty sure i'm suffering from bona fide writer's block. my head is a jumble of thoughts, but almost none of them coalesce into anything worth putting down on the page. i'm not sure whether it's because my brain took the excuse of not being in school any longer to turn immediately to mush, or whether i'm feeling the effects of too many deadlines and details and loose ends to tie up at work, or whether it's because i'm generally uninspired and in need of some cataclysmic event to thrust me back into the world of deep thoughts.

actually, while we're on the subject, i'm really not in the market for cataclysms just now. i'll take rest and relaxation for 400, alex....

and speaking of relaxation, i have, like, eight more personal/vacation days to use up before the end of the year, and i'm having a really hard time trying to decide what to do with them. part of me feels like i should save most of them up and just take off a huge chunk of time right before christmas, but the other part of me is quick to remind that christmas is FIVE months away. dudes, that's a long time without a break.

so, in the interim, i shall ponder all these things in my heart, keep reading the chick lit book i'm slowly making my way through, blind myself on occasional, feverish bouts of cross-stitch, and (currently) make that baklava salmon that's got my name ALL over it for dinner.

c'est fini.

i've always been a tad bit of an overachiever, so why would you expect anything less from me?

just about two years ago this time, i had just gotten accepted into grad school and was feverishly trying to mentally prepare myself for the academic (and personal) unknown. i was also just 3 months shy of leaving a job that wasn't fulfilling me in the least for the place i now work (still without a doubt a fantastic decision). there's no possible way i could have known how much would change in that time and how quickly the time would pass. two summers ago, i felt it would take me FOREVER to get that degree, and i couldn't imagine doing it, let alone being able to sustain an A average the whole time. i didn't have enough faith in my own ability to put my mind to something and stick with it. and yet here i am, having accomplished every single thing i set out to do.

and tonight i find myself at a similar beginning feeling just as uncertain (or at least slightly doubtful) that i can actually FINISH what i've started. and yet now i have clear evidence that i can do these things, so tonight i'm giving myself an internal pep talk that not only CAN i do this, but i WILL do it. and however long it takes, i will just keep working hard until i get it done. no doubt i've been tough on myself these last two years, and while some of that might not be super healthy or helpful, it gets things accomplished, you know? so maybe i'll let a little of my inner drill sergeant out again to kick some ass and take some names (even if it's my own ass getting kicked). and who knows where i'll be two years from now? one thing's for sure: i've tasted straight As and i'm not particularly interested in half-hearting my way through my life anymore. this time i'm going straight to the head of the class.

mark my words.

post-its and catalogs and half-torn envelopes, oh my!

i'm sitting here in my home office after a long day of work, work, work, and all that catches my eye are the papers i need to process, throw out, file, etc. i envy and do not fully understand those people who live a truly uncluttered life; there is always so much stuff to deal with, and i haven't yet mastered the art of utter simplification. if you go into my living room, it's the same situation: magazines, magazines, and more magazines. before grad school, periodically i would take the time to sift through, purge, and make space for new ones, but for the last two years, i've done very little except move them from one receptacle to another (and another, and another) and now i have two baskets full of (partially unread) magazines. and my pantry needs some work, too, may i mention.

i know i'll get there some day; it's all part of the process of deciding what i absolutely need and what i don't...of saying no, of making piles, of prioritizing. i'm good at it in other ways, really....just not, apparently, when it involves paper-related items and canned goods/baking supplies.

tonight is not the night for gargantuan undertakings, however. my cleaning lady is coming tomorrow, so i must tidy (i.e., create piles, around which she will dust), make dinner, wash dishes, and watch my dose of mindless (mind-numbing?) television programming. let it be known, however: i want less clutter in my life. so it is written. so it shall be....

i hope.

seven years/one month

as of this past april, i've been blogging for seven years. seven. years. i can't believe it. and what's more, in those seven years, i have never once blogged on july 25. the 24th, sure. 26th? absolutely. never ONCE on the 25th. so i thought perhaps i'd break my seven-year itch and lay out some words, for what they are.

it's saturday and i'm one week out from the beginnings of a throat and sinus infection thing that definitely knocked me down; i'm assuming that one or more people at work with their own brand of ill got me this way, but no matter. i've been taking steps to rid my body of the unwanted.

perhaps more significant, however, is that michael jackson has been dead one month today. it feels so strange to type that, still, because my world has always had him in it, and it still does, in a way, but obviously it's not the same. i'm not gonna lie - it's been really hard to come to terms with that truth. it's like i miss someone i know, and i feel so disappointed at the realization that he'll never make any more music...that there will never be a chance for him to do anything remotely similar to the brilliance he laid down on some of his earlier tracks. to manage this, i've been surrounding myself either with his music or with music that makes me feel similar things that his does. of course, nothing moves me like the grumbling guitar at the beginning of 'billie jean' or the disco beat and soaring vocals of 'rock with you'....and yeah, i'm even a sucker for the slightly saccharin sweetness of 'will you be there' and 'man in the mirror.' i can't help it, man...he felt every word....

as a white girl growing up in suburban america living in a house where a lot of classical music was played (along with folksy stuff and early pop/rock of the 70s and 80s), michael jackson opened my world in a way that no other musician ever could. sure, my folk-loving, poetry-infused heart still belongs to james taylor, but my soul and my rhythm and my love for the funk can be traced back to michael's 'off the wall' and 'thriller.' no doubt.

and that's probably why i love all those r&b boys who croon and sing their high-pitched 'hooo' and do their runs and what-not....because all of them have at least a little of MJ in what they're doing. they took his basic palette and brought their own hues and nuances to add to the art...but let's all just acknowledge that if he hadn't been painting the way he did, they wouldn't be doing their thing now - and fooling all the young girls into believing that they did it best or first or with the most swagger. but if you look at that 10-year-old kid belting out any number of songs, he had it all inside of him, even then. a slight turn of the head, a jutting of the jaw - the funk was already there.

so, i'm sure i'll still cry for awhile when i hear some of this songs, and in a few weeks, i hope to have a little memorial of my own with a few friends who will gather to watch one of his concerts and just talk about our memories. he may be gone from this earth, but his music got into me—and into countless others—and even though "the groove is dead and gone (yeah), you know that love survives....so we can rock forever on...." and we will, michael. i promise you that.

this morning...

...i woke up about 2 hours before my alarm went off and had a few moments of wakefulness (before falling immediately into a disturbing dream) in which i reviewed some aspects of my life from a number of years back that, quite frankly, left me with a pit in my stomach. the aforementioned dream emerged from that feeling of blech and left me feeling all out of sorts when my alarm finally did go off some time later.

and as i laid in bed, listening to my alarm for a good ten minutes, all i kept thinking, over and over, was how much i regret you...you who will never read this....you who have since become the representation of all things i regret—or will regret in the future....you, the one-trick pony....you who are called by different names, depending on the day and the conversation in which you are brought up....you who seemed so positive in so many ways yet took and took and took from me and never really gave anything back....you who, if you were reading this, would know exactly who you are. OH, how. i. regret. you.

'don't speak....don't tell me cuz it hurts'

not one month after my grad school experience is over, and i'm sufficiently waylayed with what can only be described as the great throat and sinus ICK of 2009. i have this horrid itchy scratchy soreness in my throat that is making speaking impossibly uncomfortable, and furthermore, it's making me want to cough everytime i swallow or breathe. i'm so cognizant of this discomfort that i couldn't even sleep through my trusty nyquil haze last night. people of the internets, i am uncomfortable; do you hear me?

my goal for the rest of the weekend is to drink/eat as much chicken soup as possible, push fluids like they're going out of style (yesterday i probably drank a gallon of water; i am not exaggerating), take my probiotics and vitamins, and try to catch winks of rest when i can.

not speaking is surprisingly enjoyable sometimes, you know. it makes you realize how little there really IS to say sometimes. and with that, i'm done:).

resurfacing

where to start? the past two weeks have flown by in a blur of excitement, exhaustion, bewilderment, sadness, and intense relief. more on all this later, but for now i will say this: i'm still here. i reached my goal of a perfect GPA. i turned another year older. i'm starting to remember how to sleep again.

in the midst of it all, michael jackson died. this has marked my days with a kind of grief that i didn't think i would feel at such a revelation. i have many thoughts on this event, but i'm letting them all marinate before i write them down. some things are too intensely personal to share capriciously.

soon. very soon.

in the meantime, hi there, world. nice to see you again:)

so close i can almost taste it....

i have ONE more assignment left in my grad school career! the day i've been waiting for is nearly upon me and, in all honesty, it feels so unbelievable that i can hardly take it in. tonight as i responded to classmates' discussion postings (in which we were asked to provide a kind of retrospective on our experiences in this program), i found myself feeling oddly sentimental and realizing that for as much as i've complained about having too much work and felt at times frustrated for my lack of free time, i have loved being a walden student and have REALLY learned a lot over the past 22 months. and the cherry on my sundae tonight was some feedback that i got from a classmate in which he said that i have embodied the spirit of our program by encouraging him and helping him to grow and that my writing inspires him to improve. finally, he said that he can't think of anyone better to work on the courses at this university, especially after my experiences over the last 22 months. his words meant so much—particularly because he suffered through all the difficult stuff with me.

i know when this is all over, i'm going to have some pains of separation from my time as a student. despite my delight over having more time for myself, i will miss my coursework and the process of giving myself to something so wholeheartedly. it has been one heck of a ride, but i'm so glad i made the decision to embark upon this journey. my life has been enriched, probably more than i can know at this point. i've always believed that education can change the world; i know without a doubt that it's changed mine.

these days...

...i count the hours, one by one. i let clothes pile in the basket (for later). i leave the dishes sitting in the sink overnight—or maybe two days (at most). i stockpile berries like they're going out of style. i ration and plan and bag and ration again. i obsess over the current state of my DVR recording bank. i listen for quiet, but it almost never comes. i make lists and forget to complete them, and then i make some more. i wait and hope and wonder whether it will ever be the way it should. i drain the phone batteries talking to the people whose voices make me remember who i am. i nurse tension headaches that sit just over my left eye. i talk to myself. i answer back. i put magazines into piles (for later). i forget to change the calendar until more than a month has passed (though i hate missing the pictures). i think about cleaning off my patio chairs and sitting in the mugginess to watch the sun disappear over the trees. i stay in the air conditioning instead. i let things go. i pick them up again. i run my fingers over the shells i found on an empty beach in south carolina. i think of the ocean and what it brings and what it takes away. i miss what almost was. i miss what still might be....

getting there

two weeks from today, i will be finished with my master's program. TWO WEEKS. i cannot believe it. the past twenty-two months have, at once, flown and dragged by, but now i'm just two weeks(!) away from being done. there are already new projects in the pipeline (one of which i've begun working on), and i cannot wait to move on...forward...with my life!

*stepping back*

before i get ahead of myself, though, i feel the need to have an action plan for the next two weeks of my life. here are my wants and needs, in no particular order:

1. hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!
2. try to be in bed by midnight (at the latest) every night.
3. continue to eat lots of fruit and vegs to keep the stress-related illnesses at bay.
4. same with protein (oh, and helps with the energy, for sure).
5. get a pedicure (i threw that one in there just for fun; in truth, i might wait until my birthday, which is in two weeks and 3 days!).
6. get my simulator homework done by 8 pm every day, no exceptions.
7. ride with the sunroof open as many days as possible, with music blaring, of course.
8. call my supportive friends for extra fortification.
9. keep ipod charged for work-related stress reduction.
10. breathe.

all right, that about does it! i'll say one thing: i'm definitely looking forward to getting back into blogging this summer once i can think straight. let's all keep our fingers crossed about that one, shall we?

june 28, i'm coming after you, and you better watch it, because i'm feeling relentless.

remembering

for the last two years, understandably, my life has been very focused on getting my master's degree. and in that time, certain pleasures and hobbies have had to take a back seat...at least that's how i've viewed it...because quite honestly, i made the decision at the outset that i wasn't going to give myself to something like this unless i was really going to GIVE myself to it. and, for the most part, it's been the right decision for me during this time.

in the interim, however, some other things have become rather apparent: the season has ended on some of my friendships (all right - i suppose that's unavoidable, really). also, my diligence and upkeep with certain regular chores and habits has definitely been down (again, understandable, but not something i want to continue). and finally—and perhaps the one that really gives me pause—i feel remarkably out of touch with myself...so much so, really, that i'll have this luscious moment or experience in which i feel totally connected again and it almost makes me cry because i suddenly realize what's been packed away in a box for a period of time.

the only other time i've experienced this so strongly was when i was in a relationship and had inadvertently sent parts of myself underground for (what i thought was) the sake of the other person. let me just say—not a good thing. when i realized i had done this, i became so angry, so selfish with the need to resurrect those things i had put to death (even if temporarily) and i was hell-bent on bringing them back into the 'vernacular' of my life that nothing and no one would stop me.

i was so different then, though, and that hibernation was unintentional and in no way necessary. this period of virtual desert, however, has been for the greater good of my education and (hopefully) to create future opportunities. having said that, i will admit that i've been feeling some measure of resentment for the last month for all that i have had to put away. it's like i want to open all my drawers, dump out their contents, and just look at my stuff again...reconnect with every bit of it...enjoy it and use it before i have to put it away to let everyday life function as it must.

as i type this post, a chanteuse is laying out some truly yearnful, hopeful, slightly melancholy lyrics that stir me. i remember this. and in the kitchen is the dinner that i will go and create with fun ingredients and spices hidden in the back of my cabinet. i remember this also. and though there are 3 weeks left of this final course in my MBA program, i'm hoping that, little by little, i can begin to reclaim all that i've tucked away for the last 22 months of my life...that i can start enjoying a weekend free of obligations...that i can go visit friends who now have husbands and babies and new homes and all of that...that i can forge ahead with gusto into the next project(s) i have lined up for my life—one(s) that will not require me going underground in order to complete a goal. i'm getting it all back, do you hear me? all of it. every. little. bit.

'i wake when these dreams collide'

this weekend has been productive. i hooked up with salimah late morning yesterday and we spent the day running all over the metropolitan area collecting wholesale groceries, office supplies, athletic shoes (for her) and socks (for me), with several refreshing drinks in between. after a quick dinner of carne asada (me) and special tilapia (her) at mari luna, we came back to my place where i put together my newly acquired desk chair before setting out for the weg for a late-night shopping excursion.

today after dropping salimah off at her place, i went to my office to load up my desk with some snacks i bought at bj's. i was going to head straight home, but it was so beautiful outside, i decided to open the sunroof and all the windows and take a drive back up to the hunt valley area where my favorite little coffee shop is. after procuring an iced tea (lots of lemon, please!), i wandered over to the farmstand across the road and bought some tomatoes and potatoes (forgotten on yesterday's excursions) and then made my way back home, singing at the top of my lungs the whole way.

as i was driving under the swaying, lush green canopy watching the sun filter down along the winding road toward home, i realized how much i love days like this...when the whole world stretches out in front of you and for 10 minutes, you can forget all the things on your to-do list. my heart leapt a little in my chest as i imagined myself forward to the day when i can have a whole weekend full of errands and fun and centered calm, without regard for homework and deadlines and all that rubbish. it's coming soon, though, and as much as i can for now, i'm trying to keep the melancholy at bay with the idea of sun-drenched, cool mornings, the wind in my face, and singing loud on the open road that takes me anywhere my heart wants to go.