this is 40

today is the half-day of the year and the 40th anniversary of the day i was born. i am utterly gobsmacked about the fact that i have lived this long, and while i am by no means 'old,' the word 'young' also doesn't describe me any longer. i am somewhere in the middle, i guess. middle-aged. good grief. that phrase feels so far from me, though if i am being honest, i am there. right. there.

birthdays often mean retrospectives (see last year's blog post), and this one is no different. i have been doing a lot of stock-taking over the last month or so as this day has quickly approached. i've made lists, tied up loose ends, and thrown things out. but more than all that, i have arrived.

a year ago, on my 39th birthday, i promised myself that i would work to remain present in as many moments as possible this year. and i was. i took mental snapshots (finger clicks and all). i sat inside discomfort and comfort alike..inside sadness and joy...and i soaked them in. i said hard things. i made even harder decisions. i swallowed my pride, and i patted myself on the back and gave myself snaps once in awhile. i tried to let my emotions be what they were, knowing that it is an honor to really FEEL. i took long walks and fantastic bubble baths. i listened to stunning music sung by some of my favorite musicians. i saw some phenomenal theatrical works and laughed, cried, and gushed to my heart's content. i cooked, ate, and photographed some seriously delicious food. i spent time with people i deeply love and appreciate. i received care and i sowed love into others. i made some new friends and continued to keep the old (remembering that the girl scouts song was always right). i made some mistakes, i avoided some others (whew!), and i forgave myself for not always doing everything perfectly. i found out that i'm more wholly me than ever before in my life. i rejoiced in that realization.

so in this middle place, i meet myself again. my hope for the coming year (and the coming 40 years) is to become more and more me...to share what i love with others and to bring joy to their lives...to pursue wholeness in all things (body, mind, and spirit)...to speak my truth and tell my story (through words, actions, and the food i create)...to love and laugh and cry with more abandon...to continue making balance and fun major priorities in my life (this is worth EVERY effort)...and to remain present in every moment, good or bad. i am happy to say that i am already in pursuit of these things (i'm more about realistic goals these days). i am already firmly on the road.

and though i don't know yet what lies around the next bend and who will meet me there, i know today who my real friends are and where i want to be. i am loved. i live an abundantly blessed life. i am grateful for all the opportunities i have to work on myself and the world around me. so, with thanksgiving and hope in my heart, i acknowledge that every day up until this point has brought me here. and whether the path ahead is smooth or bumpy, i know that the road i travel is mine. the journey is my choice because i believe the end is worth the effort. here's to the next 40, y'all. i said it before and i'll say it again. look out, world. i have arrived.

coming into focus

obviously my attempts at writing this spring fell off the wagon. ah well, there's always the summer catch-up to get everything back in gear....

tomorrow marks the start of my birthday weekend. monday is the day, proper, but i don't have time to take off from work and frolic, so saturday and sunday will have to do.

beauty for ashes

this year i'm in the headspace for healing and making reparations. over the next couple of months, i have some mini trips planned to revisit places and spaces that make up part of my past. and it is my full intention to document them (likely through photos, or maybe words) and to bid them a kind of goodbye. sometimes the memories hold us too close and the creation of distance is just what the doctor ordered.

not all of these trips will be happy for me. in fact, they will involve looking back on some real sadness and pain, but i am hopeful that in the midst of the discomfort, i will find some joy. and believe me, i'm open to that joy coming from even my acknowledgement that yesterday is not what holds me anymore. the truth is found, instead, in my todays and my tomorrows.

and so, on the near eve of 38, these are my thoughts. i light them like a candle and let them burn into the ether. and through the smoke and ash, my vision is clearing ever so slightly. here's to less blur and more clarity in my 39th year. let it be so.

summer treats

after days on end of brutal heat, i am (not that) happy to report that i have neither heat rash nor sunburn. in fact, i've been staying inside as much as possible; the heat is simply too asthma-inducing and, therefore, something i avoid. besides, i hate to sweat.

now then, aside from this brief weather report, i must take a moment and recount the last couple weeks of my life. first, my 35th bday celebration kicked off the day before with an after-work happy hour at diablita with a few girlfriends and some dangerously delish cocktails (caipirinhas and blood orange margaritas) and burritos.

my birthday proper, july 1, i spent at work, although i confess i wasn't quite as productive as i might normally be (can you blame me? i was giving out birthday tattoos to my coworkers, and it caused quite a stir). my friend k. took me to lunch at lebanese taverna, where i was serenaded over baklava, and gave me a lovely purple aster (which, i am sad to say, celebrated independence day by dying in the sunlight). after work, i ran home to change and pick up salimah, and we made our way up to the city cafe for dinner with friends. there was kazoo playing, drinking of more delish cocktails (something with coconut, a cosmojito, and probably something else i don't remember), and eating of these lovely numbers:

lobster nuggets in a honey-mustard butter sauce







petit filet mignon stack with tomato tart, pesto potato gratin, caramelized onions, and a red wine demi glace

dear heaven, that food was delicious. oh, and did i mention the kazoo playing? oh yes....and michael jackson songs, no less! i won't provide the incriminating evidence (this is the internet, after all), but suffice it to say that two of my friends should go on the road with their 'thriller' dance-kazoo routine!

after dessert (can you say italian lemon cake and heath bar bread pudding??), my bed was singing the siren song, so salimah and i made our way back to my place to get some much-needed shut eye.

friday we found ourselves wandering fells point, where we had lunch at shuckers right on the water.

after lunch was a bit of shopping at the silver shop and williams-sonoma (danger zone!) and then an attempt at free birthday cupcakes at the tremont grand cafe (shot down).

we did, however, get some latte beverages and a moldy truffle or two:

then, saturday night, i had a game night at my place with a few friends. we had fun appetizer-y food and a basket-o-prizes:

we even played pin the tail on the donkey! some people were more random about it, while my friend k. took a more scientific approach:

there was a rousing game of taboo, sarah-related trivia questions, present-opening, and much laughter and making of merry:

all told, it was all the things i love best: good friends, good food, lots of laughter, a bit of madcap adventure, one of the best birthdays i've had in recent years. i'm so thankful for all my friends who came out, sent me messages online or through snail mail, and generally jumped in with both feet to my age-appropriate birthday whimsy. i couldn't think of a better way to kick off my 36th year of life.

so, here i am, more than halfway through july, and my biggest wish for the rest of this summer is that i really seize opportunities to let my hair down, so to speak. life is whizzing by these days, and it's so much richer to careen through it with people you love. that's the greatest gift.

resurfacing

where to start? the past two weeks have flown by in a blur of excitement, exhaustion, bewilderment, sadness, and intense relief. more on all this later, but for now i will say this: i'm still here. i reached my goal of a perfect GPA. i turned another year older. i'm starting to remember how to sleep again.

in the midst of it all, michael jackson died. this has marked my days with a kind of grief that i didn't think i would feel at such a revelation. i have many thoughts on this event, but i'm letting them all marinate before i write them down. some things are too intensely personal to share capriciously.

soon. very soon.

in the meantime, hi there, world. nice to see you again:)

let's see now....

where were we?

ah yes.

july is here and in full swing. i'm now more than a week out from my birthday (although i confess that i feel i should be celebrated all month long!) and i'm back to a life that doesn't include a 4-day weekend. boo. hiss.

i've got much work to do - both work work and school work - so it seems that some things never change:). and mostly that's all right, really. i'm used to it. i'm just having one of those days where i don't feel like doing anything.

there's not much news that's fit to print, except that today i realized that i have no particular interest in being overly bothered with other people's silly problems. i don't mean real and important ones, of course....just the ones where people refuse to stop obsessing over something we've discussed ONE HUNDRED TIMES. you know the one i mean. yes, that one.

anyway, enough of that. before i close this post and get back to the aforementioned school work (due tonight), i will say that i got some lovely things for my birthday: a gift cert to the bookstore and for some clothes, lovely handmade coasters (by catchka) and some teas, several alcoholic beverage mixers (what are people trying to say?), two books i've been wanting (ruth reichl!), some dvds, some wine and wine glasses (do you see the alcohol theme? i don't even drink that much, people!!), and an appointment for deluxe washing/detailing for my beloved bella. she will enjoy a bath and a bit of spiffing up. more than the gifts, though, was the joy of seeing friends (older and newer) and feeling loved and cherished by them, having a day off to do nothing but pal around with my bff (during which we went to the movies and i got a manicure), and just general relaxation without the stress of the daily grind. hey, and i even got my birthday burger!

and really, people, you can't beat that!

five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes....

another year has come and gone for me, and so it begins again. i think back on all the promises i made to myself since my last birthday - how many i've kept and how many more i've broken. i think about times i told myself the truth, the times i got real, and the times i just went to bed and slept it off. how many ledges i walked just to prove to myself that i could. how many new faces, new names, new feelings. how many changes of scenery and saying of good-byes.

i started graduate school.
i started pursuing a career.
i started realizing that i can work in a job where people appreciate my gifts rather than try to stifle them.
i started seeing just how much my thoughts and feelings have changed in the last two years...how much looking at the world through these eyes is a different experience than it was when i was just beginning my 30s.

i still want to do and feel a lot.
i still need to see paris and venice.
i still spend some days wondering just what i'm capable of.
i still care deeply about comma splices and ending sentences with prepositions (see above), but i'm loosening up. really.

i forget what it's like to have an abundance of free time.
i forget a lot of things lately, if you want to know the truth.
despite all my forgetting, i still remember a lot of things.

like losing my grandmother five years ago this july.
like getting my heart broken...and mended....and broken again.
like becoming disillusioned with some things i once felt i had to possess.
like realizing that i never really wanted to possess those things but feeling disillusioned anyway.
like the first glimpse of freedom after years of darkness.
like lake michigan and the wind in my hair.
like the pacific ocean and hollywood hills and the sunset.
like the breaking down of barriers and realizing that some things really aren't that big of a deal.

all the important stuff has stayed with me.

my best friend.
my mom and dad.
my dearest cheerleading squad of work friends and old friends and new friends.
my sense of who i am.
my faith in something more.



i choose to live the next year with more passion than all those before it.
i choose to learn every day.
i choose to continue calling things like i see them.
i choose to allow the past to impact my future insomuch as i don't want to repeat bad decisions.
i choose to love myself enough not to give up.
i choose to answer more questions with 'yes.'
i choose, above all, to measure my life in love.

two weeks' notice

so, two weeks from today i will turn 33. to be honest, i'm kind of excited about the identical double digit thing (although i'm not sure why). in preparation for turning another year older, i have been thinking some thoughts about what i want for myself in my 34th year of life. and with that, i present you with the following list:

1. although i am in grad school and feel like my homework and accompanying reading are always weighing heavily on my mind, i really want to broaden my scope a bit. in the last year, a number of my friends have moved out of town or, for whatever reason, out of the landscape (harder to see one another, busy schedules, etc.) and in some cases, this has been a hard pill to swallow. don't get me wrong. far-away friends are still friends, but it's hard not to be able to grab coffee or sit in the same room for a few hours on a regular basis. i've made one or two local friends at my new job, one of whom has become really important to me - a great thing. but i think it's good to build one's friend and acquaintance base to a comfortable place, and i'm not quite there yet. relationships really ARE key, after all, so it makes sense that this is #1.

2. again, time can be a difficulty, but i really don't want it to limit me from doing some service/volunteer work this year. it's really important to me to get out there and (in whatever way i can) make a difference in the lives of those who don't have the means to do better for themselves. i may have found one or two opportunities that sound promising, and my company even lets us take up to 8 hours of work time to do volunteer work each year. love that!

3. in the last several months, stress has definitely taken a toll on me physically, and i've recently discovered that my skin has become incredibly sensitive to things that never used to bother me before (a very mild lip balm). i'm really trying to limit anything scented from coming near me these days, and i'm staying away from alcohol as much as possible. oh, and then there's sleep. i need more of it. and vegetables? them, too. i'm trying. i really am. cook more. eat out less. get back on a healthier track for myself. it can happen this year. i'm believing for that.

4. anyone who knows me well knows that i love a road trip and being able to explore new places. in 2007, i managed to get myself onto airplanes TWICE and even saw the pacific ocean for the first time (it wasn't nearly as magical as i was hoping it would be somehow. and it smelled quite a bit, but i digress....). LA and chicago were both graced with my presence for a few days, and in the coming year, i hope to visit some other new-to-me locations (other than pittsburgh, of course) and see what kind of adventure i can drum up.

5. i'm paying off non-school debt, slowly but surely. this time next year, i hope to be much closer to that goal than i am now. 'nuff said.

that's about all for now. i know that these are some pretty important areas to focus on, and i think it's good to make time for all of them. in between the work, i hope to live it up, relax, sing more, and savor what there is to savor. and knowing this world and all the people in it, that's a lot.

you say it's your birthday

it's official. i'm now 32. i had a great weekend, including an all-day trip to havre de grace and north east, md, with salimah and vanessa, during which we shopped, ate, chatted, shopped, and ate some more. i bought myself a super fun bracelet and a pair of pink crocs (complete with a little matching pink flower decal to decorate). here's the bracelet:


today started off with brunch at the cheesecake factory, then a trip to home depot to pick up two butter yellow adirondack chairs for my patio (upon which i sat for awhile and took a little nap), and then dinner out with several of my best girls from work at a seafood restaurant in reisterstown. i felt very surrounded and loved and it was just how i wanted to spend it. tomorrow night i'm out for dinner with another friend, and then tuesday continues the celebration with MORE great friends. i'm lining up times with different pockets of people so that i can really spend time with them and have no one feel left out of conversations or anything like that. and plus, when you have too big of a group, you yourself can't possibly pay attention to everyone. that makes it too hard.

so i'm happy. and whatever is to happen in this year, let it come. as ever, i will face it with as much courage as i can muster and maybe a little finesse along the way. i have such great friends, and i'm so thankful for that....it's good. it's just all good.

easy peasy

so i'm in the process of applying to graduate school. if all goes well, i should be starting on september 4 and getting my m.b.a. (probably in project management or something like that). i'm actually rather excited about it and hope that it will get me out of the professional rut that i'm in. also, if i'm ever going to open up my own biz, it'll be nice to have. it's all about opening doors.

the best thing so far about this process is how incredibly streamlined it's been. my dear friend nina works at the school, and she's been an awesome help to me, and it just feels like everything is falling into place. i love that. how many times in life does something like that go down? hardly ever, i tell you.

in other news, i'm baking some honey-peanut butter-chocolate chunk cookies (with just a hint of oatmeal) tonight. i'm bringing them in to work tomorrow for a joint birthday treat (my friend maria is bringing taco dip - we're savory and sweet like that)....it's kind of like when you were in kindergarten and your mom sent you to school with cupcakes for your class. celebrate me, people! that's what i'm saying....

all right, i'm off to turn on my oven. this is rich: it's 97 degrees outside and i'm about to bake. when will i ever learn??

one week

it's just 7 days until i turn 32, and in the grand spirit of all things birthday 'eve,' i shall give you the following listiness:

1. went to see two plays this weekend: picasso at the lapin agile (by steve martin) and fat pig (by neil labute). the latter piece dealt with the issue of sizeism, cowardice, and the inability of MOST people to just BE who they are without regard for others' opinions. we stayed after for a 'talk to the actors' kind of thing, and i got a chance to share some thoughts. it was a meaningful piece and very well performed.
2. had a lovely sushi early dinner out yesterday before play #1 and then spent time with our friend vic afterwards at the starbucks and endured some true antics from a clearly trying-too-hard-for-attention/somewhat-out-of-her-gourd barrista. delightful (barrista notwithstanding).
3. today's post-play meal was at the city cafe and involved wonderfully crisp, well-seasoned calamari with a divine lemon-jalapeno dipping sauce (think infused vinegar) and (for me) a chopped cobb salad. avocado just makes a dish, i find.
4. i'm thinking about getting my mba online. been pondering some type of online masters for a couple of years, but i took a few preliminary steps to get the ball rolling.
5. my feet are STILL killing me.
6. i'm still obsessed with iced tea.
7. i'm in a very outspoken mood these days (more than usual). i like it.
8. i have some truly great friends. and a lot of them have disappeared over time. this is okay with me.
9. weekend afternoons in the summer (especially when the breeze is blowing) really ARE the best.
10. i love being the kind of person who can RELAX and just be, or who can be spontaneous and have plans on a whim. i wasn't always that way. the extent to which i have put those anxious ways to bed astonishes me every single day. in short, i'm breezy. really.
11. in addition to #10, i really don't have time for b.s. i sincerely do NOT. and i just have no ability to pretend otherwise. i love that.
12. balega socks are still rocking the HOUSE.
13. i want this year to be one that i remember as being productive and filled with good decisions. let it be so. i'm ending on an 'unlucky' number because i think that's bollocks and i don't mind bucking tradition.

the end.