there's more where that came from....

part 1: randomness on parade
i love my hair straightened. it makes me happy. sure, i know...curls are the natural state of my mane, but there is something so fabulous about being able to run my fingers through my hair without it getting all frizzy and wacko. of course, getting it to that point involves some actual work, but i always feel that the results are well worth anything i need to do to get it that way.

i'm all alone at home this evening. sj is out with a friend, and it's rather pleasant to be here alone - to watch junky tv talent shows, eat a brownie or 2 that i baked last night, and think the thoughts that are far too often pressed deep and away from the living room of my conscious mind. i guess i should be reading or cleaning or doing something 'productive', but my heart is too syrupy and sentimental and my mind too wandery and pondering just now for things such as scrubbing sinks or ingesting literature.

part 2: the pith
it's sinking in (as i hear the dishwasher churning in the background) that i find myself at such an odd place tonight. there is a part of me that is truly satisfied with my important relationships (especially one in particular); i am learning to allow myself to be loved in a way that i really never have before, making myself vulnerable and feeling the weight (and rewards) of that risk. it occurs to me that i am actually worth someone wanting to be with me for the rest of his life, and i must say that it's a total challenge and joy to find my niche in navigating the intricacies of male/female communication 101 (it really SHOULD be a class!). there is a boy who makes me smile. a lot. right in this moment, even.

okay, well, all of this is good, right? right... but then, there's this other part of me that feels like i could easily spiral out of control at any moment....the part of me that clings to the cragged edge of 'normal', nails bloodied from holding on for so long, crying inside for some kind of relief. this is also the part of me that doesn't want to show herself....doesn't want the ones i love to see the truth, to see the pain inside of me. because somehow, maybe, it would make them run the other way.

but you would say come on, sar...you've come too far to let that fear stand in your way. think of all you've accomplished this year. think of all that you've shown of yourself and how enriched and deeper your relationships are because of that.

ok, yeah, but i've got to be honest: the things i've shared of myself, while difficult and definitely what i would define as 'risks', weren't THAT BAD...at least not from my perspective. there's so much more waiting behind the closed doors inside of myself. and if i open them now....

just a little, even....and if the oceans of pain break into waves and flood my world, will i be able to stand? God, will i be alone again? please don't let me be alone again. You were there...in that place....in that time...and You will always be there....but will there be arms to hold me? will there be feet and hands and voices to Your love this time around? i'm so scared. i'm so scared.

i'm.

so.

scared.