what has become 'normal' to me these days is going to bed just before the sun comes up, waking around lunchtime, and living my life as though i were one of those middle-of-the-night shifters at some hospital. yeah. except i have no shift and my life is not nearly so medical or service-oriented.

i wish i could say that my sleeplessness was the result of some uber-artistic/creative endeavor...or at least something mildly intellectual....but this is hardly the case these days.

no, in truth, things are just the same as they have been for quite some time. it's all about me being exhausted and wanting to go to bed, but yet somehow being afraid of doing so. you're wondering now - afraid? yeah, ok. i have anxiety about lying awake in the dark and letting my mind wander to places i don't want it to go. must. retain. control. that's the m.o. for right now. so, instead of really resting, i stay awake until the painfully wee hours of the morning and then pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow somewhere around dawn.

this is no way for anyone to exist, let alone live.