landslide

'i took my love and i took it down
i climbed a mountain and i turned around
and i saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
well the landslide brought me down....'

this song always makes me walk backwards a few steps and re-evaluate the things inside my heart...makes me remember a part of who i am that i often leave by the wayside because i'm not strong enough to bring it with me wherever i go....especially now in my life....i feel like i've trudged up the side of the largest monstrosity of baggage over the last year or so, and in the breath of a moment, i find myself turning back and letting my feet slip, letting my guard down, letting myself get hurt again....and again....and again....

'oh mirror in the sky
what is love?
can the child within my heart rise above?
can i sail through the changing ocean tides?
can i handle the seasons of my life?
i don't know....'

the questions continue to rage inside of me: am i being foolish, Lord? am i making decisions based solely on selfishness and fear? am i missing the boat altogether as to Your will for my life? is this the same old crap that will ravage me once again? the answer comes back clear every time, rising like a phoenix out of the ashes: 'not this time....'

there is hope for me yet, even while the trembling tides of despair rise and fall, even while my foolish heart dances left and right, looking for something or someone to hold onto....

'well, i've been afraid of changing 'cause i built my life around you
but time makes you bolder
children get older
i'm getting older, too....'

i'm scared of what it might mean for me to let go of even the dashed hopes i've placed in people and surrender everything i've ever wanted...to lay it down in the arms of God and wait for Him to meet my desires. i'm still so dependent on everything other than Him, and yet He is the only One i can really trust with my whole heart...the only One who really knows what it is that i need....

i have been so hesitant to become who i really am....so scared that whatever that is, it isn't ENOUGH. i'm starting to wonder whose standards i'm applying to myself...whose messages i'm allowing to be broadcast into my heart....whose lies i have taken as facts. the TRUTH is that i'm not who i want to be yet, but i'm also exactly who i'm supposed to be RIGHT NOW. and i'll be honest: i would rather LIVE my life than sit on the sidelines and be afraid of it....afraid of the possibility that someone might disapprove. forget that.

here i am. have a good, long look....

'and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
well maybe....well maybe....
well maybe the landslide will bring you down.'

(words and music by stevie nicks)