once more, with feeling

it is now nearly 3 hours into 2003, and i must say that i will not miss 2002 in the least. it has been, without question, the hardest year of my life. at this time 365 days ago, i was sitting in my kitchen in derwood wondering whether or not i'd even make it to see the first day of this year....wondering whether, in the interim, i would lose my mind and have to be put somewhere far away from everyday life....wondering if anyone would even love me anymore.

and now i'm at sammie joy's desk, typing onto the little charcoal gray keypad of my laptop, and i can't help but feel that the days ahead will be so different than the ones that have already gone. i am resolved not to make the same relationship errors i made this year; i will be quicker to sit still and listen to God's voice, slower to speak, more honest and bold with those i love, less tolerant of my own tendency to act out of shame and fear. i will not sell my heart to please anyone. i will not back down. i will not let any person take from me what i am unwilling to give.

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for those of you who have stood by me during this season in my life, you are more precious to me than you will ever know. you have put money in my pocket, kept my insurance going:), given me shelter, fed me, made me laugh, let me cry, and held me up in prayer. only God Himself knows just what my heart holds where you are concerned, and i pray each day that His blessings would be heaped upon your heads. to the few who have joined along with me on this road, i can only ask that you would keep holding my hand and that you would be patient with me; i am sometimes a few steps behind. for those beautiful souls whose burdens are great and whose eyes are too weary to look up and see the stars, hold fast....He will carry you when you cannot carry on. i am so privileged to call you friends....

i do not know what the next nearly 400 days will hold...but i do know that God's plan for my life is unfolding bit by bit. i've shed a lot of tears this year, but i know that because i am loved by Him, they are not in vain. and although i have faced some particularly harsh slaps, one other thing of which i am sure is that the truth can never be hidden by any measure of human strength or will. God will not allow that. in the end, that which is hidden in darkness will be brought into the light....that which has been spoken in secret will be shouted from the rooftops....

and so, another day dawns....i take another step forward....i learn and i love and i hurt and i fail and i triumph.....i bend and i yield and i am not overtaken....

and so, we begin again:)

happy new year, everyone.....