'though we both know that the worst part about it is i would be free when you wanted me....if you wanted me.....' - john mayer

so i've realized over the last month or so how much time in my life i have spent settling for mediocrity, especially in the realm of relationships. i have poured countless hours into maintaining relationships that, had i not been the one to call, would have fallen quietly by the wayside, never to be resurrected. why? WHY have i done this? because at the heart of it all, i want people to like me and i've always felt that i wasn't worth doing work for in order to have friendships kept with me....thus, i did the work so that i couldn't possibly be rejected by the other people. but in the end, it has often yielded disappointment and rejection anyway. it just goes to show you that even the most diligent person can't 'work something out' for herself if it's all based on her own strength....

and that's what it really comes down to, at the end of the day....ME having an agenda to not get hurt and trying MY best to do what I CAN so that I DON'T have to feel like I'M suffering or being rejected....doesn't particularly show much trust that God is working things out on my behalf, eh? and, to top it all off, i'm never sure if people really care about me, because i haven't let them seek me out....haven't LET them put forward any effort.....because i'm so afraid that if i let the ball drop into their court, they'll just let it lie there....

well....i'm getting over all of this. i'm tired as heck of this whole internal mess i've gotten myself into....and things are clearer for me now. i'm not panicked about losing friendships, because there are some that i have that i KNOW aren't going anywhere - at least not anytime soon. i know these people love me and are invested in me personally, not the things i DO for them or whatever else....and funny how letting go of a lot of that junk means that i have more emotional time to invest in my relationship with God (who is the ONLY one worth running after and sacrificing things for ANYWAY).

it's a hard lesson....but it's only taken me 27 years to learn it, so i figure i'm not doing so badly:)