in all seriousness

so, it's thursday and i should be enjoying watching my ravens in their first pre-season game against the eagles, but instead, i'm fuming and too distracted to watch football. thank God for DVR; otherwise, i'd be in a heap of trouble.

i don't normally discuss my personal life too much around these parts, but suffice it to say that i abhor being lied to - particularly by people i find highly enjoyable. the reasons for this may be obvious:

1. being lied to is just lame. 
2. for someone i previously found highly enjoyable, i can no longer feel that way about him/her because, well, he/she is now a LIAR.
3. i have very little free time on my hands these days, and why, exactly, should i waste it paying any attention to someone who has been untruthful when i am just being me? i find wasting my care and affection for others to be just cardinal in the 'relational sin' department.

anyhoo, there you have it. nothing earth shattering, but i can say this: there is a reason that i keep my cards VERY close to the chest with most people these days. and isn't that a shame?

both sides now

most people who have known me for years also know that i am a singer. music was my first love, before all else, and i am sure that it will be one of the last things with me in this life (i've just always felt this would be so). part of the reason i've always connected so much with music was not just for the melodic progressions, the disarming weight of certain notes or harmonies, but because of the lyrical poetry that often accompanies those strung-together sounds.

and cheesily enough, although i know my heart has some type of song in it, i have realized, over the years, that it is the words that light me up the most. over time, song after song has captured my affections and gotten me all twitterpated and obsessed and wrung out with sorrow and joy and a million feelings in between. two summers ago, for example, i was completely over the moon about maxwell's 'pretty wings'...so much so that i'm pretty sure i wore my best friend's eardrums out playing it over and over (and OVER) every chance i got.

but some songs just fit your life, for one reason or another, and they never grow old, never fade from view, wind up on every mix or playlist for every party, event, or 'just because.' and one of the songs that has me swooning this summer (and every time i hear it, in fact) is joni mitchell's remake of her classic 'both sides now.' to be sure, the aging songbird's voice no longer carries the chipper and clear-as-a-bell tone of her earlier folk songstress days. now, it is wavering and smoky, hovering on the border between learned and melancholy, and just plain rife with years of love and pain. the retrospection in each note just slays me. i believe her when she says that she's looked at life from both sides now...and i feel like i hear some regret in that looking back. and what's more, i know it for myself.




rows and flows of angel hair
and ice cream castles in the air
and feather canyons everywhere
i've looked at clouds that way

but now they only block the sun
they rain and snow on everyone
so many things i would have done
but clouds got in my way
i've looked at clouds from both sides now

from up and down, and still somehow
it's cloud illusions I recall
i really don't know clouds at all

moons and junes and ferris wheels
the dizzy dancing way you feel
as ev'ry fairy tale comes real
i've looked at love that way

but now it's just another show
you leave 'em laughing when you go
and if you care, don't let them know
don't give yourself away

i've looked at love from both sides now
from give and take, and still somehow
it's love's illusions i recall
i really don't know love at all

tears and fears and feeling proud
to say "i love you" right out loud
dreams and schemes and circus crowds
i've looked at life that way

but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say i've changed
well something's lost, but something's gained
in living every day

i've looked at life from both sides now
from win and lose and still somehow
it's life's illusions i recall
i really don't know life at all
i've looked at life from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's life's illusions i recall
i really don't know life at all

by joni mitchell © 1969

a re-turning

summer has thoroughly taken hold, and i'm pretty sure it's been in the 90s nearly every day for the last 6 weeks. and if it hasn't, it certainly feels that way. correct me if i'm wrong, but i feel like it really is getting hotter around here (and by 'around here,' i mean the world). summers as a kid never felt this stifling....

now then, as to why i have been virtually silent for some time now, i can only say that my work is taking all the life out of me by day's end to the point that all i want to do is watch mindless tv and think about sleep. that, and i actually have too many thoughts in my head to do any writing, if that makes any sense. it's like the energy it would take to wrangle those wayward ideas into a sensible post is beyond my weary-ness after i've been out in the world of the working mundane....

but two days off from the rat race has given me a smidge of fresh perspective, and suddenly this afternoon, i felt like putting fingers to keyboard again. in doing so, i'm feeding my soul just a little bit...and i'm hoping that if i can do even just these small things—maybe one each day—i can start to carve out a space again in my own life. i cannot tell you how much i am in need of something more...something beyond; it occurred to me today that i must do everything in my power to give myself that gift.

so, to that end, here are some thoughts (in no particular order):

1. i have this secret craft project i started about 2 years ago that i need to finish. i'm going to do that by the fall. and that's that.
2. i need to start writing again...for me. whether the world sees it via the internets, or it stays on my hard drive somewhere, i have to get these thoughts out of my head. retrospect, after all, is the greatest teacher.
3. once every month or two, i want to treat maxwell (my current jetta) to a car wash. seeing him shine makes me as giddy as a school girl.
4. i also must make time to wander through stores or other places that have lovely things. even if i don't buy anything, it inspires me to see beauty in design, decor, and the shiny newness of 'stuff'—although the stuff itself isn't really the point.
5. i need to get out of dodge more often. a drive into the countryside, a stop at a roadside store for a drink or some garden-grown veggies, the smell of hay and grass and earth, the sight of mountains - these things refresh and rejuvenate me.
6. i will reunite with the ocean before the first frost. the vastness of that briny deep reminds me how simultaneously small and big my life is.
7. i must keep reading fiction. a well-turned phrase can be more nourishing than any fine meal.
8. sleep. enough said.
9. technology, while fantastic in so many ways, sucks the life out of a person. i need better balance for myself. my future depends on it, i feel.
10. my interior life has suffered from a clog of late. the aforementioned rat race and inability to turn off my laden mind has resulted in a lack of gratitude and, at times, a focus on things that have no real significance when you get down to it. it's too easy to forget that reflection in the mirror. i yearn for quiet these days...in all aspects of my existence.

in sum, i feel like i've been on vacation from myself, somehow, and that someone else has been calling the shots in my day-to-day...and i don't like it. it's got to stop. time is, literally, a'wasting....

so that's that. from here, i turn again. i re-turn. return to me.

in between asleep and more asleep

last night i dreamed about contingency plans and ideas gone awry. it was like one thing after another spiraling out of control. and in the middle of it, i had this very lucid thought that it was not unlike my waking life.

hmm.

the disconnect

some days i forget who i am, i think. i get up, i shower, get dressed, go to work, come home, and try to stay awake until bedtime. wash, rinse, repeat. every day feels the same as the last and before i know it, two months...two years...are gone.

so the question i'm constantly asking myself (yet feeling too tired to answer, it seems) is this: how do i keep being me while dealing with the demands of the rest of life?  how do i make the time to write and cook and sing and do the things that make me happy when i feel so freaking tired all the time?

i'm starting to wonder if i should abandon electronics for the next six months in order to get more in touch with my surroundings. but then as soon as i think that, i realize how some days my only connection with the outside world is through facebook or e-mail or a simple text message. it would be like cutting off my oxygen, right?... right?

i don't know anymore. i really don't.

there are wonderful things about the internet, cable tv, ipods, smart phones, and the like, but they also serve to distract and suck me into a vortex and keep me at arms' length. even from myself.

there must be balance. somewhere in between the vortex and utter techno-avoidance is where i want to fall, ultimately. now if i can just figure out how to make that work, i'll be getting somewhere....

spring can really hang you up the most....

spring has officially sprung, with all its weird weather and allergy-inducing air pollutants. living downtown, i don't get as much pollen, but i can attest that geography doesn't help as much as it could with allergies when you're living here in the midatlantic. oh well, some cocktail of claritin, zyrtec, and singulair should help my sneezy, itchy, wheezy self (i hope).

i recently bought a new computer and, as a result, am in the process of not only relocating all of my electronic files but my 'paper' files as well (in addition to my desk, printer, and other such nonsense). there's no time like the present to do a bit of purging, i say.

what this has meant, though, is weeks and weeks of disarray and piles of 'stuff' waiting to be filed, organized, trashed, etc., and i gotta say - it's messing with my sense of equilibrium. and for someone who's in the state i'm already in, that's not exactly helpful.

but i must plow ahead nevertheless. once begun is half done; the busy bee hath no time for sorrow; you know the drill....

yeah, so all of this is great in theory, but then there are the two hours i got sidetracked re-reading old journal entries from 2000, and the four hours i got sidetracked playing a game on my new computer; and the...well, you get the drift. the bottom line is that i'm procrastinating, ok?

so it's nearly dinner time, and my office is still a mess, but now i'm also grumpy and feeling like i wish i'd never started in on the project. i'm fairly certain those people with the bonfire theory of dealing with old stuff are onto something.

i'm going to go drink some water and read my nook, or something else equally as diverting. so much for spring cleaning....

oh how i long to be thee, rip van winkle

all day long, i have drifted in and out of the transom of sleep and wakefulness. although my eyes are open, my brain feeds simultaneously on external stimuli and subconscious fodder. i am alert and dreaming. it is not necessarily the best place to be on a sunday afternoon.

tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, there are meetings to attend and spreadsheets to update and questions to answer. and i am ready to do all of the above. really, i am.

but right now, i just want to let myself fall into soft pillows, to crawl under cool sheets, soaked in sunlight, and sleep until there are no more dreams to be had.

good God, how i have waited for rest. how i wait, even still.

a pre-new year's to-do list

now that christmas is over (and it was wonderful, btw: filled with lots of relaxing, cookie-baking, puzzle-doing, laughing with my parents, and generally spending time feeling thankful for the richly provided-for life i lead), i have a week off to enjoy before returning to work. i'm on day 2, and i've done, sadly, nothing yet, except go to the car dealership for two hours this morning so they could replace a blown fuse and check my bluetooth). i'm feeling the need to get productive, though, so that i don't entirely waste this free time....

in no particular order, here are the things i want to accomplish sometime this week:

1. visit with the extended family (this will be accomplished later today)
2. dust and vacuum my entire apartment
3. clean both bathrooms, particularly mine
4. do a pantry 'cleansing' to prepare for #5
5. meal plan and prepare as many meals as possible for the coming weeks
6. grocery shop (see #5)
7. work on a top-secret craft project
8. put away my few christmas decorations: baby tree, snowman chef ornaments, lights (although i might wait until the week after new year's, since i really am enjoying the lights)
9. back up computer files to external hard drive
10. go through some of my bajillion magazines to either give away or recycle
11. make some merry for new year's eve
12. take my laptop to geek squad and figure out if i can afford to have someone fix it!

a dozen seems like a good place to stop. no need to get myself completely overwhelmed. although, while i'm at it, here are some longer range goals for 2011:

1. go through cookbook collection and make some decisions about which ones can go their merry way (sell online or at ukazoo, donate to friends)
2. procure a newer printer/scanner
3. really organize my files by creating digital copies of must-save items (see #2) and purge, purge, purge what i don't have to keep
4. read down the stack of books waiting for my busy eyeballs
5. watch less tv, for crying out loud
6. get back together with the gym
7. get back together with WW
8. buy some new clothes (long overdue)
9. send more snail mail or donate stationery to someone who will use it!
10. pare down unused items (including books)
11. soak in my tub more so i can use my lavendar-chamomile bubble bath
12. fight the winter blahs with more herbal tea and invigorating salt scrubs
13. find some volunteer opportunities (and maybe invite friends to join?)
14. figure out whether to move or stay put
15. plan a trip somewhere fun

hmm....this is a good start. i'm sure that more will come to me as the months wear on. i feel like none of these goals are unreasonable, so i have no reason not to end 2011 feeling accomplished.

i'm trying to set myself up for success in 2011. 2010 brought its highs and lows (probably more highs than lows, if i'm looking at things objectively), but i'm ready for another level of awesomeness. so, welcome, new year. better days are ahead. i just know it.

'like the corners of my mind....'

this morning i had to sort through some boxes of cards and photos to locate a baby pic or two to take with me to a shower i'm attending today. and as i was sifting through all these treasures, i found some cards from my grandparents, notes from old friends, and the hundreds of things my best friend has written me over the years. and i couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with the love contained inside those cardboard structures. i was also reminded, unfortunately, of how much i've lost...of how some of those people whose handwriting graces birthday cards or whose faces smile in pictures are no longer in this world. my grandpa al, my grandma jane, my friend polly...i shed tears for them all this morning.

and then there are people with whom i've sort of lost touch. i mean, i know where in the world they are, but our lives have taken different paths. this is the case, really, with a number of friends whose memories line those boxes. and the whole experience had me thinking....can you ever really go back?

i've made efforts over time to keep in touch with various people—and really, facebook has helped me to reconnect with a lot of people from my younger days—but the daily grind kicks back in so quickly and it's really, really hard to sustain those connections beyond something utterly superficial. and in truth, i think we're not really meant to turn around. life is lived in forward motion. if one chooses to interact with people from the past, it has to be about who they are NOW, not who they were then. and what i've learned is that some of us have never really grown up much. i see the faces of people who are still clinging to their teenage selves, still drinking like they're in college, still trying to avoid their own realities. and as much as i get that, on some level, i just can't be there.

no, see, i'm done pretending the way that 18-year-old me used to feel she had to do in order to get by. i'm done living in a big game of charades and comedy sketches, and 'what would you really think of me if you knew what i was thinking'-type scenarios. i prefer to look you in the eye and just be me, unabashed. and the me that i am now might not be super palatable to some people who've called me 'friend' over the years. i mean, sure, i haven't turned into a jerk or anything, but i've also come to this place where i no longer feel the need to live up to others' expectations. and some of my more zealous ways have been tempered into something a bit more...well....reasonable for me and where i live my life these days.

so while it's lovely and heartwarming (and, at times, sad) to sift through what i was and where i went and who i was with, i want to see what today will bring...what memories there are to be made in THIS space, at THIS time, with the beautiful people around me. and i welcome tomorrow with open arms and the hope that my future 'looking backs' will find much sweetness and very little sorrow. for now, though, head up, eyes open. onward....

'n-y-c, what is it about you?'

tomorrow morning, i board a bus for the big apple. no, not to go catch my big break...just a weekend away visiting good friends. i must say, i'm a little anxious about it, though. sure, i live in a city, but it's not THE city....the raucous, unforgiving, overblown streets of manhattan that swallow you up and spit you out all at once. baltimore is much more of an underdog's kind of town. and i'm beginning to think that i am the consummate underdog....

anyway, i digress.

i have a couple of goals: have great hang time with my peops, enjoy a couple days out of dodge, see something(s) beautiful, and eat something(s) delish. this shouldn't be too hard, i'm thinking.

the truth is, though, i wish i were brave enough to go to that town and sink or swim for a year or so. but i'm not sure that i am. i'm not sure whether the salient point is that new york is too much for me, or i'm not enough for new york. either way, i'll board the bus and do my thing, and then i'll board it home again.

wish me luck.

the return of fall (and me)

gee, golly, it's been awhile. i'm still here. really, i am. in fact, i've started and abandoned no fewer than five blog posts over the last two months. let's see if this one sticks, shall we?

too much to chronicle of what's been going on, so i'll just pick up from today and head forward. work has been insanely busy. my personal life has been equally so, and i'm trying to mentally prepare for a weekend away in NYC ('what is it about you?' kudos to you if you know where that comes from....). i'm super excited to be staying with two dear friends, but i'm also feeling a little overwhelmed at, well, how big that city is and how much there is to DO. i think what i need to do is take all the pressure off of myself to find 'fun' and just remember that i'm there to enjoy the company. besides, i'm too exhausted to exhaust myself further (and then have to start back up at work on monday morning)....

which leads me to my next thought: all i want is some uninterrupted time alone to sleep and just be. i cannot believe that christmas is a mere six weeks away, and all i find myself asking is where the heck has the fall gone??

with the hectic pace of the day-to-day, there seems to be less and less time for enjoying just being in the city right now. on friday, the simple pleasure of walking home from jury duty astounded me with the awareness that i'm never just out and about in the streets, interacting with the wind and the smells and the sounds of life around me. i need more humanity in my day....in my life....

for now, though, i'll settle for some mindless tv, a glass of icy cold water, and the hope of pleasant dreams to carry me into tuesday.

enter illness, stage left....

weeks of working too hard and too much and not getting enough sleep finally took their toll on me. late last week i woke up with a sore throat and, within 3 days, had a bad chest cold/bronchitis. i've been diligently resting and staying home, doing very little (i spent all of labor day weekend/salimah's birthday in bed, in fact), and i'm finally starting to get some energy back. as i've been doped up on codeine, it seems the world has continued on its merry way, and i gotta say—i'm not enjoying feeling so disconnected from my life and from other people.

but, despite all of this, i'm at home on a friday night doing laundry, working, and trying to rest up as much as possible. one week from tomorrow i leave for the ocean, and it pretty much can't come soon enough. i am LONG overdue for some time out of dodge and i'm hoping the sound of the waves will give me some much-needed perspective.

between now and then, there are miles to go....and with that, the dryer just buzzed. there's my cue!

1,464

is the number of e-mails i deleted today in honor of september 1, 2005. and boy, let me tell you, did it feel GOOD.

onward!

'the answer, my friend....'

at the risk of baring my soul here, i have to take a moment and speak 'aloud' (a.k.a. fingers to keyboard) some truths that have been gradually surfacing in my mind and, therefore, my life. see, for a long time now, i was kind of shut down to my own emotions about certain areas of my life, because, quite honestly, it was easier to 'go there' than to feel the disappointment in its place. work has been busy with new challenges and opportunities, and i didn't have to try that hard to dig in and give myself the space to pursue my career, all the while knowing that there were parts of my life that were getting no air time. to be honest, this wasn't ideal for me, but the relative barrenness of my social landscape seemed to create the opportunity for a time of pulling back.

well, i had that time, and i was grateful for it, in a way, because it was very clarifying for me. and as a result, i came to a few conclusions.

first (and foremost), i am ready for a great adventure, whatever that may mean. in a conversation with a friend recently, i was mentioning some aspect of a past relationship that had always frustrated me, and the other person said, quite plainly, 'it doesn't sound like you're past all of that.' this statement caused me to sit back for a second and listen to those words i had just spoken and ask myself how they must have sounded coming out of my mouth. and i realized in that moment that my friend's statement wasn't the truth. the truth was that i hadn't changed the way i was talking about the situation, even though my feelings had changed.

this small kernel of awareness began to enlighten other areas of my thinking and made me realize that, in the area of relationships, i have been feeling more and more ready to be out there, to give and receive the love i've got inside of me, but hadn't yet said it to myself, to God, to the vast unknown.

so last week, i was in my car late in the evening, driving down the dirty, barren streets of my city, and i just began to speak my own truth out loud. i can't say that i was entirely praying, but i can't say that i wasn't. i just knew that everything inside of me - my fears and hopes and intentions - needed to come out and be given the air time they deserved. and the most important outcome of all of this is not so much that my world turned on a dime, but that i began to really open up, more expectant of and ready to receive all the beauty and love and good things that can come my way. (and, by extension, that anything UNhelpful can go....)

this has clearly been a long time coming and it couldn't have happened at a better moment in the grand scheme of things. a couple of weeks ago, i posted as my facebook status that i am 'open to possibility.' well, i just AM, and since cracking open the door to my heart, i am here to say that i have already noticed a shift in the wind....

methinks it's time to let my hair down....

tap.... tap.... is this thing on?

it is now, officially, safe to assume that no one is reading my blog anymore. it's just as well, though, because i probably have a few things to say that most people don't need to read....then again, that's a topic for another day.

in the meantime, here i am, standing on the cusp of the end of summer...the end of fetid and stifling and all things sweat-inducing. frankly, as hard as this past winter was, i welcome the onslaught of chilly nights and leaves strewn across roadways and all the 'stuff' that fall conjures up.

so with all of the anticipation of good things (including a LONG overdue vacation, less than a month away), i find myself also sitting here with a pile of feelings i don't know what to do with. all i know is that i'm trying to be open to whatever God has for me right now...to whatever life is throwing in my direction...yet at the same time, i find myself wondering just what is it that i'm being open FOR?

the answer will come in due time, i know, but right now there are simply questions.

i will say this, however: i sure would love to have someone to share the glory of fall with me this year. it might make some of the questions a little easier to answer...or maybe not worth answering at all.

we'll see....

summer treats

after days on end of brutal heat, i am (not that) happy to report that i have neither heat rash nor sunburn. in fact, i've been staying inside as much as possible; the heat is simply too asthma-inducing and, therefore, something i avoid. besides, i hate to sweat.

now then, aside from this brief weather report, i must take a moment and recount the last couple weeks of my life. first, my 35th bday celebration kicked off the day before with an after-work happy hour at diablita with a few girlfriends and some dangerously delish cocktails (caipirinhas and blood orange margaritas) and burritos.

my birthday proper, july 1, i spent at work, although i confess i wasn't quite as productive as i might normally be (can you blame me? i was giving out birthday tattoos to my coworkers, and it caused quite a stir). my friend k. took me to lunch at lebanese taverna, where i was serenaded over baklava, and gave me a lovely purple aster (which, i am sad to say, celebrated independence day by dying in the sunlight). after work, i ran home to change and pick up salimah, and we made our way up to the city cafe for dinner with friends. there was kazoo playing, drinking of more delish cocktails (something with coconut, a cosmojito, and probably something else i don't remember), and eating of these lovely numbers:

lobster nuggets in a honey-mustard butter sauce







petit filet mignon stack with tomato tart, pesto potato gratin, caramelized onions, and a red wine demi glace

dear heaven, that food was delicious. oh, and did i mention the kazoo playing? oh yes....and michael jackson songs, no less! i won't provide the incriminating evidence (this is the internet, after all), but suffice it to say that two of my friends should go on the road with their 'thriller' dance-kazoo routine!

after dessert (can you say italian lemon cake and heath bar bread pudding??), my bed was singing the siren song, so salimah and i made our way back to my place to get some much-needed shut eye.

friday we found ourselves wandering fells point, where we had lunch at shuckers right on the water.

after lunch was a bit of shopping at the silver shop and williams-sonoma (danger zone!) and then an attempt at free birthday cupcakes at the tremont grand cafe (shot down).

we did, however, get some latte beverages and a moldy truffle or two:

then, saturday night, i had a game night at my place with a few friends. we had fun appetizer-y food and a basket-o-prizes:

we even played pin the tail on the donkey! some people were more random about it, while my friend k. took a more scientific approach:

there was a rousing game of taboo, sarah-related trivia questions, present-opening, and much laughter and making of merry:

all told, it was all the things i love best: good friends, good food, lots of laughter, a bit of madcap adventure, one of the best birthdays i've had in recent years. i'm so thankful for all my friends who came out, sent me messages online or through snail mail, and generally jumped in with both feet to my age-appropriate birthday whimsy. i couldn't think of a better way to kick off my 36th year of life.

so, here i am, more than halfway through july, and my biggest wish for the rest of this summer is that i really seize opportunities to let my hair down, so to speak. life is whizzing by these days, and it's so much richer to careen through it with people you love. that's the greatest gift.

this just in....

it's gearing up to be a scorcher this weekend; i can feel it. in fact, the forecast for tomorrow is a blazing 97 degrees! how is it possible that my average body temperature (which doesn't feel particularly hot to me), when applied to the outside of my body, makes me feel like i'm going to die? strange....

anyway, i woke up early this morning despite being quite exhausted and am trying to gear up the urge as we speak to finish cleaning my bathroom before my day is fully underway. i also just realized i need to go to the post office to put a large package in the mail (return of some catalog clothes shopping gone awry), so if i'm being particularly productive, perhaps (alliteration!) i will get that done before my saturday brunch date with s & c.

in other news, my 35th birthday is less than two weeks away, and because this is a big one for me, i'm finding myself more reflective than usual. i have some thoughts to share on the matter of celebrating this particular birthday, but they will have to wait until there are no sinks and tubs to scour.

so that's it, i'm afraid. nothing special. nothing of consequence. nothing worthy of the title of this blog post. but at least i'm writing. it's a start.

bmore. be more.

it's been almost two months since i moved into my new apartment, and i've been trying to give myself the room to bond with my space, my neighborhood, my new understanding of life from the 19th floor. i'll be honest, though—it's been really challenging for me to connect lately. i'm not sure if it's because my mind is awash with projects and deadlines and schedules, or whether this change has shaken me up enough that i simply cannot yet adjust, but i've felt so transient and disconnected over the last 7 weeks. it's enough to drive a girl a little crazy.

within the last week, though, things have begun to shift a bit. last weekend, i walked up charles for a mini street fair, and i was loving just being out and about, smelling and seeing and feeling everything around me. and last night, salimah came over and we walked to a local pub up the block, and as i sat there taking in the conversations and smiling giddily at the waiter (i'm sorry, but he was a smidge adorable), i realized something: this is my neighborhood. mine. i LIVE here.

so now it's saturday night, and i've just had a day out gallivanting around the city i call home, eating and drinking (caipirinha, anyone??) and shopping and wandering, and now i'm back in my quiet, cozy apartment, and i just feel grateful. for all of it, really, but mostly for the shift that has occurred in my life to bring me to this place. it has thrust me out of the rut i was in (geographically, anyway) and made me uncomfortable enough that i'm starting to wake up and remember all the things i haven't been doing lately. like feeling anything deeply.

suddenly, i'm experiencing emotions that have been lying dormant—some good and some not so great—and i'm realizing that my life, as cher horowitz would say, is screaming for a makeover. if there's anything living downtown has reminded and inspired me to do, it is to give my love and life away again. every time i've been in a place where my soul seems shallow and stagnant, i need only to look outside myself, to start serving others and giving joy and sustenance to people i may never meet face to face, and suddenly the world around me is vibrant once again.

as someone who believes in God, i cannot live my life stowed away in my 19th floor 'tower,' looking down on all that lies around me and failing to get dirt on my shoes and the smell of the city in my hair. there is so much humanity down on those streets, and i want to be part of it. i'm not quite sure what this means yet, but somehow, i will stretch myself...become uncomfortable so that someone else can have a better life.

i was reminded recently that loving others isn't something you can do with restraint. it's either go big or go home in matters of the heart. i have always known this, but day-to-day life has taught me to hold it back for fear of overwhelming another. to be careful, just in case that love isn't returned. well, you know what? i don't care anymore. if people can't deal with my heart, then so be it.

all i know is that, for the time being, i call this city home. and i love it. i love being here. i love the crazy people who talk to themselves, the ridiculously friendly waiters at my favorite haunts, the snarky older dude i always ride the elevator with, the woman working in my garage who nearly breaks her back every morning just to stick her head out the window and wave at me, the tired-faced people walking home from work just as i'm leaving to go to my job, the traffic, the ball games, the fireworks, the police on their segways, the steam pouring out of the gutters, the church bells pealing, the screech of the lightrail, the sun setting over the abandoned buildings every evening.

this is my underdog city, the place where my heart first opened up and started to really take the world in. and in all of my uncertainty and fears and hopes, my arms—and eyes—are open up here on the 19th floor. my heart is ready to connect again...to do and feel and be more. so get ready, baltimore. i'm really just getting started with you....

Son.rise.

the sun shining through my window this morning woke me before i could force my eyelids open. it has always seemed fitting that easter morning should burst forth with sunshine. it is all of creation shouting, 'He is risen!'

i've been giving a bit of thought of late to my ongoing church conundrum, and i've decided that once i move to my new apartment, i am going to visit the episcopal church just across the street. i love the thought of being able to walk to church the same way my family did when i was a little girl living in allentown, pa. but even more, in times of frustration and uncertainty about modern evangelicalism (and believe me, there have been many), the traditions of my upbringing have brought me much comfort and a way to experience God in a familiar way but with a heart that understands those prayers and hymns more than i did back then.

as a child, i grew familiar with the tunes, the words, the kneeling and the standing up, and it meant something then. it did. but i was without the experience of a heart converted by the living God. i thought we were all participating in an event. i didn't realize that He was there, rejoicing right along with us. on some level, i believed that the words in the scriptures were true, but i had yet to experience the way that those words breathe life into a soul and etch themselves into your heart. i flitted along, unaware of His plan for my life and the truth that would begin to unfurl in front of my eyes at the age of 18.

so now i find myself, on the verge of 35, wondering where it is in the church-on-earth that i belong. i know that my ultimate home is with God Himself, but i find that so many of my experiences have pushed me farther and farther to the perimeter of most people's understanding of 'modern-day christianity.' and you know, i'm finding myself okay with being there on that fringe, because the last time i checked, there was room at the table for people who don't have it all figured out.

if anything, my lack of understanding means that i'm still wanting to know Him. my unwillingness to simply follow the pack and read the books and listen to the music and do what others are doing doesn't mean that i've 'fallen away'; it means that i'm on my journey. and the finish line is God Himself.

this easter brings with it much sweet and very little bitter. i'm not sitting in a pew in a church this morning, but the living God is here with me, rejoicing over me with song (zeph 3:17). and later, i will go spend time with others who also call His name. and we will break bread together and remember  and express our gratitude for the truth that binds us all together. if good friday has taught me anything, it's that it's always darkest just before the dawn.

happy easter.

if easter means anything to modern man, it means that eternal truth is eternal.
you may nail it to the tree, wrap it up in grave clothes, and seal it in a tomb;
but truth, crushed to earth, shall rise again.
truth does not perish; it cannot be destroyed.
it may be distorted; it has been silenced temporarily;
it has been compelled to carry its cross to calvary's brow
or to drink the cup of poisoned hemlock in a grecian jail,
but with an inevitable certainty
after every black friday dawns truth's easter morn.
- donald harvey tippet

at home

upon waking up this morning, the first thought on my mind was wow, this is my last saturday here. last night, salimah and crystal brought some dinner over and as we sat amidst my boxes and feasted on mari luna, salimah remarked that this would likely be the last time she ever stepped foot in this place i've called home for the last six and a half years.

that reality struck me rather hard in that moment. believe me, i'm excited to be moving forward, and i'm super thankful that a number of logistical things have arranged themselves so that i might do just that, but there is always a tinge of sadness in any closed door, no matter how ready you are to close it.

when i think about who i was when i first walked into this apartment in the fall of 2003, i feel astonished at how much has happened since then...and amazed at the faces who have walked in—and out—of my life. the weekend i moved in, i was filled with so much hope for all that lay ahead of me and a sense of accomplishment for all that i had done to get me here. i was in my 20s, for crying out loud!

now, i find myself in that same place—only farther down this road and with my eyes a bit more focused and my heart more open and yet more guarded all at once. in short, i've grown up. living here has given me the space to create a real home. for a long time, i thought maybe i was making that home for another person, but what i've learned is that i needed to find that place inside of me. and i have. i'm much more secure now in who i am, in what i want, in where i'm going. i'm not afraid of being abandoned, of being rejected, of being left behind. i learned that no matter the circumstances, i have a choice in the matter, always. and my choice now is to move on and not look back.

the other night, i dreamed that someone i used to know and love told me something about himself that i had been waiting to hear for years. and when he said it in the dream (though it was not good news, per se, and was said with a kind of hostility), i felt so relieved. so relieved, in fact, that i woke up almost wishing we could have had that conversation years ago.

what that dream said to me, though, more than anything, is that life is too short not to say what you mean...even if what you mean is what no one else wants to hear. there is still a kind of relief in knowing the truth, regardless of how bitter that pill is to swallow.

and my truth is that i have no regrets, about anything. i still believe in God, but i also believe more than ever in what He has placed in me and the mind and heart and will He has given me to make my choices. i am where i am now, and i know that it's time for me to close this door and open the next one. and more than that, i am ready to make new adventures and see new things in my city for as long as i am called to be here. but wherever i am and whoever is with me, i am at home now. i am my home.