square one

yes, i'm being cryptic. yes, i'm saying some things you might not get (even if i weren't being cryptic). yes, i mean every word. yes, i hate that i mean every word.

no, it's not all directed at the same individual. no, it's probably not about you. no, i don't accept what you've given me. no, i'm not sorry for how i feel.

no, i'm not a child.

yes, it still hurts, even after ALL this time....

so, would it make you happy if i gave into your fear and medicated myself so that i feel nothing and can then be what you would refer to as 'productive'?

or would it make you happy if i gathered up all my 'belongings' (which don't in any way make me feel as though i belong) and moved into my car so that i wouldn't be taking up any more air space in anyone else's home?

or would it make you happy if i sit idly by and watch you do yourself in?

or would it make you happy if i just went ahead and got that graduate degree so that i could be 'live up to my potential'?

or would it make you happy if i changed my appearance so that you don't have to 'worry' about me?

or would it make you happy if i keep phoning and writing even though you never return my calls or e-mails?

or would it make YOU happy if i sit silent for the rest of my life and let the truth become a lie?

i give up.

back

i arrived home today after my 3-day stint in the full-on south. it was all about not-too-wide roads, familiar buildings, and strip malls up the waz....it's good to be home. i banked some new towels, several novels and all THREE naked chef cookbooks!!

there is more to say but i haven't the words tonight....here's hoping everyone survived this holiday season.....i made it out not quite unscathed....

arrival

it's 1:15 on christmas morning. michael left about an hour ago (we watched lotr for the second time in preparation for the 2 towers) and i am contemplating what to pack to take to my parents' house in the morning. although they are calling for snow - and, indeed, it has snowed intermittently throughout the evening - i am hoping for clear weather. i hate driving when it's messy outside. at least i'm going south of here, where the storm is not supposed to reach. snow is a good thing - if you're holed up inside to watch it fall and drink cocoa and make merry with someone special:)....

sammie joy asked me tonight if, this year, i would be making any new year's resolutions (a bit early, admittedly, but good to think ahead). i chuckled and assured her that the answer was most certainly 'NO.' i have made a resolution to change my actions, my reactions, my thoughts, my heart, etc. at least once a week for the last year. and, to God's credit, i have kept many of them. a lot of things have changed for me since last christmas. A LOT. i'm a very different person now than i was when on the brink of 2002. and i am sure that i will continue to make changes, to adjust as needed, to seek resolution, to pursue the heart of God - but i'm not making any official announcements on january 1...at least not to the blogging world:)....

but tonight, my mind isn't on tomorrow, but yesterday....i'm thinking of a perfect life that entered our reality in a stable somewhere thousands of miles away....of that baby who grew into the man that made blind eyes see and mute tongues cry out with the praise of angels.....of the road to calvary that He bore with my heart in mind....of the sacrifice He made to leave His home and come to mine....of the home He made inside of me.

this is christmas. it is the arrival of the best thing that has ever happened....and will ever happen....to all of mankind. it is God reaching down to show the world His love. it is the beauty and simplicity of a changed heart, of a life given meaning because the creator of the world has offered a way to Himself, of the quietness and rest that can only be found in His presence.

i wonder if his mother and father - and all the animals and all the people who came to see the child that night and in the days to come - i wonder if they felt that peace....and when they stepped out of that tiny barn into the night air and saw the stars shining in the sky.... did they know their lives....that the whole world....would never be the same?

i'm a piece of that legacy that was begun there...in that stable....on that night so long ago. i know who that baby was. i know who He is. and when i see Him face to face someday, i will fall before Him and thank Him for all eternity....

'joy to the world! the Lord is come....'

He has come indeed. merry christmas....

'oh come, oh come, Emmanuel....'

on the eve of christmas proper, i am with my favorite sammie joy as the clock strikes midnight. sara groves is singing her heart out and i had epiphanies up the wazoo today. more on all this later, but suffice it to say that suddenly, things seem a bit more evident to me than before.

happy almost birthday, Jesus. it's ALL for you....

and You know i don't just mean the gifts and caroling...it's about the heart of a scared girl sitting here in baltimore thanking you every minute of every day for coming into this world to save a wretch like me....

completion

i am FINALLY finished with all of my christmas wrapping. this is quite off-schedule for me, as i normally have all of this polished off by mid-december, at the latest. perhaps it's best this way - fewer days to be tempted to give sj all her presents early!!

i'm looking forward to christmas eve. sj and i will rise in the morning and have brunch and do gifts before she leaves for her mom's house. later on, michael and i will be doing something. not sure exactly what yet, but i know it will involve me making dinner. and a movie at home, perhaps? the next morning, i will leave for virginia and spend a few days at my parents' house (where there will be roast beef and yorkshire pudding - my favorite english christmas dinner!!) before returning home to ponder new year's plans....

one thing for which i am praying this christmas is that i will GET TO SLEEP at a decent hour, for crying out loud!! (hehe...i bet you were thinking i was going to say peace on earth or some such nonsense;)....not that peace is nonsense, of course, but....well....i won't get into all of that just now.) i would be thrilled if i could get to bed before midnight without the assistance of any substances. and then, once asleep, i would love a whole evening WITHOUT nightmares (last night's one involved some man stalking and attempting to kill me....and sj for being affiliated with me....and he was VIOLENT.....oh man, was he violent!).

goal for the week: decrease anxiety, increase relaxation.
likelihood of this occurring: slim to none, given time of year and level of family involvement.

welcome to the holidays:)

ho. ho. ho.

well, at the very least, i'm not particularly cranky today. in fact, i feel quite the opposite....nothing. and sometimes nothing, for the sake of sleeping, is better than SOMETHING.

it's hard to believe that christmas is just a few short days away. although i've been relatively prepared for awhile, i feel like it's suddenly crept up on me. i haven't wrapped anything yet, so it's clear that i need to get on the stick, as they say.

speaking of christmas, sj and i are watching the three tenors' pbs christmas special. it cracks me up every time to listen to those three take a whack at jingle bells and other holiday favorites....it's worth it, though, because i simply LOVE placido domingo.....it's because of his passion and the grace and strength of his voice....and besides, pavarotti is SUCH a prima donna....

i'm in the mood for a christmas-y movie or some madcap fun. i need to take my mind off of....well....my mind:) and if all goes as planned, we're having steak for dinner. and that right there is one step closer to adventure on its own.

a toast: to marinated meat in all its glory:)....

better?

i'm cranky. not feeling under the weather anymore, but now i'm just cranky. and grouchy. and all those other words that mean basically the same thing....

and why can't i make myself do something constructive with my frustration? and why does life today feel like banging my head against a wall repeatedly? and why can't i stop thinking about all of this stuff that's driving me insane?

Lord, i'm frustrated and restless and brimming with desire for something new and different....something altogether NOT ME. i'm at Your mercy here....please reach me.

storck chocolate riesen and other miracles....

good news: sj is feeling better since the disease-killing tablets came her way to kill her throat dragon once and for all (yay!). i, on the other hand, am feeling just a tad under the weather. oh yeah, that and some quiz i took said that frodo is my ideal lotr mate. so is this yet another indication that i'm doomed to fall for sensitive, tormented men? i will admit - my past record has not been good in that regard:)

just watched the survivor final and am eating a chocolate caramel. i'm praying for sleep tonight that comes without the aid of excedrin p.m. (maybe i should become a corporate sponsor!)....either way, tomorrow is all about some relaxation and present-wrapping.

lesson of the day: SLEEP is your friend. do not burn the bridge; you may not have the resources to re-build.

'i am shell shocked and i have walked through the trenches full of tears with the mortars of memory exploding in my burning ears....'

i was reading through my journal entries over the last year and i found the above quote in an entry from august 19....caedmon's call really laid it out there....man, that just epitomizes my 2002....every day and every night, moment after moment....memory after memory.....365 days of clarity and blur...of fear and faith.

i have talked and talked - sometimes until the point of turning blue - and i have said A LOT of words to a lot of people.
i have cried rivers of tears and groaned into the night with longing for rest.
i have learned and shared and received and given.
i have prayed and begged and resigned and waited.
i have heard God's voice in the stillness and the clamor.
i have known and seen and felt and tasted.
i have been haunted and i have escaped and i have given in.
i have fallen down and i have gotten back up, knees bloody, only to fall again and again.
i have run and crawled and run some more and exhausted every fibre in my body.
i have cursed and yelled and spoken my mind....and i have screamed in silence through the night.
i have laid it all out. i have held it all in.
i have loved to the point of heartache.
i have been loved with sweetness and grace and warm smiles and drinks with lots of ice:)
i have lost more than i have gained.
i have gained more than i have lost.

and i am slowly arriving on the scene....

and i have more yet to say....

and Jesus, YOUR LOVE has been my relief....

okay, whatever....

so clearly i didn't go to bed early....and sj? she's back up and cranky....and the dinner? add a hot dog and slurpee from 7-11 to the mix. i got hungry, and so did she....

sometimes, the best laid plans of mice and men.....you know the rest:)

not bad for a tuesday....

it's 8:20 p.m. and, already, i'm thinking of going to bed. sj has been sleeping for the last hour or more...she needs sleep if the dragon in her throat is going to leave anytime soon. i have no dragon, but i am utterly exhausted and could use a good 10-hour night myself....

dinner was such a simple affair tonight. i sauteed some 'shrooms in a bit of olive oil, thyme, salt and pepper and then added some balsamic to caramelize at the end. poured this over a baked potato with some cheddar cheese and a bit of sour cream that i seasoned with a multi-chili pepper/mustard/other stuff blend. coupled with some super-pulpy oj, this was a fine little meal....

the heat is on and it's all warm and toasty in here. emeril is in the background kicking something up to notches unknown to mankind....the desk light is casting just enough of a glow for me to see but not to overwhelm the eyes. it feels quite good to be home.

'though we both know that the worst part about it is i would be free when you wanted me....if you wanted me.....' - john mayer

so i've realized over the last month or so how much time in my life i have spent settling for mediocrity, especially in the realm of relationships. i have poured countless hours into maintaining relationships that, had i not been the one to call, would have fallen quietly by the wayside, never to be resurrected. why? WHY have i done this? because at the heart of it all, i want people to like me and i've always felt that i wasn't worth doing work for in order to have friendships kept with me....thus, i did the work so that i couldn't possibly be rejected by the other people. but in the end, it has often yielded disappointment and rejection anyway. it just goes to show you that even the most diligent person can't 'work something out' for herself if it's all based on her own strength....

and that's what it really comes down to, at the end of the day....ME having an agenda to not get hurt and trying MY best to do what I CAN so that I DON'T have to feel like I'M suffering or being rejected....doesn't particularly show much trust that God is working things out on my behalf, eh? and, to top it all off, i'm never sure if people really care about me, because i haven't let them seek me out....haven't LET them put forward any effort.....because i'm so afraid that if i let the ball drop into their court, they'll just let it lie there....

well....i'm getting over all of this. i'm tired as heck of this whole internal mess i've gotten myself into....and things are clearer for me now. i'm not panicked about losing friendships, because there are some that i have that i KNOW aren't going anywhere - at least not anytime soon. i know these people love me and are invested in me personally, not the things i DO for them or whatever else....and funny how letting go of a lot of that junk means that i have more emotional time to invest in my relationship with God (who is the ONLY one worth running after and sacrificing things for ANYWAY).

it's a hard lesson....but it's only taken me 27 years to learn it, so i figure i'm not doing so badly:)

not quite home....

i'm at my parents' house - still battling my insomniac tendencies. for the last 2 nights, i have gone to bed no earlier than 4 a.m. and risen sometime around noon. despicable. i am just mortified that this continues to be an element of my life these days. it doesn't seem to matter how tired i am, WHERE i am, or what i'm doing....i just CANNOT seem to make myself lie down and simply rest. i'm praying (please, Lord) that it's just a phase and will be over soon....

in other news, i'm catching up with old friends while in town. doing kind of a pre-Christmas social checking in....in just a half hour, i will venture out with francesca, to brave the wild and wooly suburbs for some light lunching and last-minute gift acquiring. should be divertingly fun and some form of mad cap (as all my outings tend to be). tonight, i will sup with another dear friend, whom i haven't seen in at least 3 years. everything's coming back around again, it seems, at this point in my life....

i do miss baltimore....i miss the clamor of the city. while it's nice to have my own room for a bit (and i'm sure is nice for sj as well, who is at home battling a dragon in her larynx), i've gotten used to the cadence of someone else's breathing, the occasional 3 a.m. babbling in one's sleep, and frankly someone just expecting me to be around. it's nice to be expected, i'm finding.

so it is these times away that make me realize where my life is. and while there is still a part of me that will always be in virginia, i am slowly loosing my grip on that defining term, settling more into the understanding that the people who know me best are just slightly to the north....scratchy throats and all;)

...to the gills

i took some excedrin p.m. a few hours ago, and BOY are they kickin' in now!! i'm so relaxed, i can barely type. i'm making way more mistakes than normal (but you wouldn't know this, because i'm fixing them all!). tomorrow morning, when i awake from my stupor, i'm driving to my parents' house for a few days. it'll be good to see them; it's been awhile. here's hoping i won't be too stressed while i'm there, however:)....

in other news, i cleaned the whole place today. we had some friends from monty county in for dinner and a movie. it was a full-on ladies night in....very nice company, if i do say so:)....and, to top it all off, we watched a chick-ish flick, 'what women want'.....nothing too pithy for a friday evening....

i'm sure i'll be comatose soon enough, so here's hoping your weekend is tremendous, gentle reader:).....my blogging accessibility is uncertain for the next few days, but let it not be said that i didn't get the last word in....

'cause i did:)

temptation, insomnia, & lack of turtlenecks....

okay, so we went to chik-fil-a tonight for dinner. man, why did i do that? now i'm basically gonna crave it for the next 2 weeks or more. it's all about the chicken sandwich and their lemonade....oy. oy. oy.

other than that, i FINALLY got my stuff from my storage unit. and simply because i CAN, i brought my cuisinart back home with me....man-o-man, i've missed that cobalt blue wonder machine....i'm excited to use it again....it's all about slicing and chopping and some sauce-making and....hmm....i'm making myself hungry.

right....so....the storage unit. WINTER CLOTHES (a non-food-related item). i brought back what few (count them - 3) turtlenecks i hadn't given away to the clothing collection for the homeless thingie before we moved. what was i thinking? i have, like, zero winter items....oh well. at least my mittens, hat, and scarf are back in my possession....and at least i have now verified for myself that i own, actually, nothing warm to wear:)

all in all, a productive evening out. of course, since arriving home, i have been downloading music like a fiend (thanks, tim...now i'm totally addicted!:)) and avoiding sleep. perhaps i'm doing this in honor of certain people who are staying up all night studying....yeah. that's what this has ALL been about....a tribute:)....(keep telling that to yourself, sar....)

anyone for a quick round of blame-shifting?......;)

'in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me....' - e.e. cummings

i had a strange, juxtapositioned night....a melange of elation and misery....beauty and ick. i emerged from one thing in particular feeling like i needed to hear what was true.....and so i did. i spoke it aloud to myself and read it on the screen of my laptop, blinking off of a welcomed IM....it restored me - the truth. once again, the gospel brings me home....

and in the most random, off-handed moments, i feel my coldness being wrapped in warmth. and in the midst of my maelstrom of a brain, there is peace and a center....

and there are plenty of things to make me smile.....and not everyone knows what they are.

and that's more than fine with me:)

cold feet, warm heart

i'm feeling very pleased right at the moment....i've got these on my popsicle toes and they are warm and wooly and make me feel like Christmas (by the way, i'm wearing the charcoal gray pair with red toes and heel). that and i'm listening to some nickel creek on my laptop as i type this, and THAT makes me feel like warm apple cider and bonfires and hayrides and the thrill of autumn/early winter when you just want to snuggle with someone.....

anyway, clearly i'm entering a whimsy phase:) i suppose now's as good a time as any for me to show bits and pieces of my oft-subdued giddy schoolgirl-esque self....

wheeeeee:)

as of 6:30 a.m., i was still awake....staring at the hazy, just-before-sunrise light barely beginning to filter through the slats in the window.... my brain roamed through practicalities and into subjects nestled deep inside my heart....what to do about my insurance at the end of the month? when will i feel remotely ready to go back to work? will that package from amazon.com arrive soon enough for me to send this one particular book off in the mail:)? is venice all that i imagine it to be (i'm still reading that book from last week....still holding my breath as my heart races through it)....and will i ever get to ride that gondola on a cool evening and get that kiss under the bridge of sighs.....? will i get married before i turn 30? will my children call me 'mom' or 'mommy'? will i ever feel normal again?

all i know is that right now, normal or not, i feel really grateful....sometimes God tenderly places a present in your lap and, while the outside looks beautiful and you're just so thankful to have the gift and would be content to place it next to you and gaze at it from time to time, He tells you to open it, and what's inside is even better than what you were expecting.

and in the black of midnight, there is yet the promise that morning will come.....that grace and hope and love are not some far-fetched, pie-in-the-sky kind of notions. they are here and now. they are even better than what i was expecting. they are, indeed, the greatest gifts.

here i am on the verge of daybreak, and i'm still up. yeah, yeah, yeah....so what else is new?

nothing, really.

i suppose i should TRY to sleep now. eventually, my body is going to give out on me if i try to brave awake-ness any longer. goodnight, dark world......

goodnight and good morning:)

oh....and jacob, thanks again for the talk.....:)

p.s. for those of you fond of...uh...online shopping (hint, hint!), there's a new link on the right-hand bar!!:)