dear God,

i know i don't normally write open letters to You in this particular forum, but i am feeling rather cavalier. You will, i hope, forgive me for this if, indeed, wisdom is not ruling this particular day.

i am in agony, Lord. is that an okay word to use? my insides are twisted and bent and i feel as though i might double over at any moment from the pain in my soul. i'm just honestly not sure what to do right now. i'm trying to understand whether these things that are happening are to wake me up or simply to help me put my trust more fully in you - or both. if i do need a wake-up call, could you possibly let me know this sooner rather than later? i know that i might not do the best job at handling this particular piece of information, but i do promise to try really hard to keep my wits about me one way or the other.

it is no understatement when i say that i feel differently somehow this time around, God. could it be that You are changing me after all? could it be that i'm no longer quite as weak, that i believe You just a bit more than i used to? could it be that i will make it through this storm and be able to walk with my chin up and without regret or fear in my eyes?

regardless, i submit myself to Your will...not mine, but Yours be done this day and always.

your kid,
sarah

p.s. thanks for not allowing me to go out like a punk.
p.p.s. sorry for being one anyway.

the truth

it.
is.
all.
my.
fault.

my heart hurts

this summer was filled with so much loss for so many people, and the fall has shaped up with much the same. a lot of people have died over the last few months, and i know with my mind that this is the way of the world, but it seems that, more than ever, the list has included friends and relatives of (myself or) a lot of people that i know. sadness has covered people's lives like a blanket. and even in the midst of the death that came to me this summer, there was the understanding of even more loss and more grief - the proverbial cherry on the top of the sundae of despair.

*******************

5 floors beneath me, nigel sleeps. it has been more than a year and a half since we have been in the same room together (he has been on a nuclear sub in pearl harbor), yet the first glance at his face steered me immediately back to nights of long drives and even longer talks, singing into the night with all that our adolescent hearts had to give. it is funny how old friends never leave you, even when you are thousands of miles away. when a person is truly embedded in your heart, no amount of time or traveling can un-root them. and that is, quite understandably, just fine with me.

either tomorrow or monday, nigel will return to richmond where, at this point, our families sit in their homes, without power. i am grateful that my parents got their water back sometime yesterday, but it is uncertain when they will be able to take a hot shower or have any light or modern convenience. the thought of them sitting in the dark, eating potted meat and riding this out together is rather endearing, though....at least they have each other, the comfort of knowing they're not alone.

perhaps this hurricane has me all sentimental or something....

the busy bee hath no time for sorrow....

work. yes, that's what i'm doing now. working. lots and lots of working. working is good for the soul! working makes you feel better about things! working doesn't allow for that whole sitting around wasting your life thing!

what am i even saying?

i don't know. what i want to know is this: are there enough hours to work in the day so that i don't feel what i'm feeling anymore?

let's find out....

mercy, Lord

i feel like a huge loser.

goodbye, tennyson

tonight, i bought a new car. it was rather sudden, and yet i've been thinking about it for some time now. i had about 8 months to go in my lease, and i got an offer to back out of it early. when i found out today that my car needed 1000 bucks in repairs, it was a no-brainer.

so, i got rid of my beautiful silver, macked-out 2000 jetta (he was my dream car at the time) and am now getting acquainted with a sleek, black, much more pared down 2003 (same model)....i'm thinking he needs a name.....

either way, i'm still in shock.....

sidebar: michelle, i will be posting my interview answers soon. sorry i've been remiss!!

nothing in particular....

my comments have been completely MIA for awhile now. supposedly, they should reappear sometime early this week. we'll see....

i suppose that i, too, have been mia. what can i say, really? work is busy, busy. last weekend (memorial day weekend), i worked every single day. not a good way to 'start' a week, lemme tell ya. at least the week ended with more of a 'bang.' salimah's b-day was on thursday and i had a pleasant evening (complete with frozen margaritas) with michael, her, and her friend gordon at the austin grill downtown. then we came home to open presents and hit vaccaro's for a later evening dessert run. friday night, salimah, myself, and two of her friends hung out, had some cocktails, and played taboo. it was a total girls' night. not really my typical style, but fun nevertheless....

tonight, michael and i made some dinner (chicken with leeks, shrooms, and lots of wine) and watched 'la femme nikita' episodes on dvd. nice, relaxing evening. much needed. time with him is generally good for my soul:)

i feel like i have some things to say, but it's nearly 3 a.m., so perhaps i shall leave with promises to return and share more of what's been on my mind....

goodnight. dreamland, here i come....

'a breath away's not far to where you are....'

i'm entering in a bunch of changes to some curriculum i edited earlier in the day and listening to josh groban...feeling all lovey and melancholy and stirred up. what is it with this song that yanks at everything inside my heart?

in other news, some file folders rocked my world earlier. you see, i had these massive PDFs stacked all over my desk; i was getting to the point where i couldn't take it anymore, so i managed to locate some hanging files, tabs, etc. and put those bad boys away. ah....the serenity of a clean desk top!!

now, back to my sappy song....i'm feeling all crazed with the need to marry. good grief. maybe i should shut off my discman!!

oh, and in other other news, salimah's birthday's in a week and i've done relatively little to prepare for this. i feel like a cheese.....

and a sappy one at that!

tuesdays are worse than mondays

i'm feeling SO spacey right now. it's only 11:00 and i have to be at this job for another 7 and a half hours. i may cry. honestly, i MAY fall asleep. and to make matters worse, there are deadlines up the wazoo that are just waiting to pounce.

oh, and did i mention that i need to get my nails done?

in other news, and regarding my post below, i'm feeling a bit better, although i'm still on punk patrol (in other words, not letting myself be one).

i think we're having subway for lunch today. i'm feeling the turkey on wheat vibe, people.....

things that i need at this point:
1. lunch
2. a nap
3. a massage
4. some caffeine and/or some form of pick-me-up
5. a long jacuzzi soak

who am i kidding? i would take any one of the above....only two more days in my work week.
must. hold. it. together!!

ish

i'm so angry right now. i feel totally betrayed, and i apparently don't have enough of a right/reason to feel this way....which just makes me all the more angry. i feel like such a fool, and yet how can i really? i've known this all along.

i don't want any person to comfort me. that won't do. Lord, if You don't comfort me, there is no peace to be found. i will not settle for less than what You alone can give.

God, please show me what is true. please give me hope. please remove my blinders if, indeed, i am blind.

am i blind?

gone....

i went to richmond this weekend and hung out with my parents. it was a good, relaxing time, although it was hot as crap and muggy, muggy, muggy. i am used to keeping my house a cool 70 degrees or so, and my parents had the thermo cranked up to 75. it felt like 80.

i spent a good chunk of time on friday evening just crying with my mom. it's amazing to me how entire hours go by and i feel so 'fine,' and then, out of nowhere, a wave of sadness will hit me and i am undone.

death is one of the strangest things in life, the seemingly most final. i wholeheartedly believe in eternity, but it is nearly impossible for me, with my finite mind, to conceive of living on when this earth, this body, passes away. it is strange to think that i will see some people again...see them forever....

all of that being said, i think of my grandparents, of their love for me and the times i spent with them so many years ago; i cannot help but think that i would give all i have just to spend one more day with them, the way they were then. i would give my eye teeth for salimah and michael to be able to sit down with my grandfather and just talk to him. he has been gone for 10 years, and not a day goes by that i don't wish i could talk things over with him just one more time....

but perhaps some day i will.

'i glow with fire and fury as i'm twisted like a vine....my final shape, my final form, i'm sure i'm bound to find.....'

i'm feeling hopeful about this one particular apartment community that i found on the internet. every apartment comes with its own washer/dryer. honestly, the thought of that is almost too exciting for me to bear right about now. i miss being able to do laundry in the comfort of my own home....

listening to bebo norman right now. i should be working, but my back hurts and i'm not in the mood to proof. sometimes there are more important things to do, like flinging your thoughts into the air and letting them settle on the wind, find their own place to rest. i am getting more and more into the idea of letting things be....

last night, i was feeling heart-wrenched about the status of one relationship in particular. i feel like i've been around and around about this issue with God and things seem to come back to a rather blah middle ground, even despite the sometimes ebb-and-flow nature of day to day interactions. this is not to say that the relationship itself is blah, but rather not exactly where i would want it to be right now....

Lord, i keep wondering, when will things be different? when will this not hurt so much? when will i be able to RELAX?

and over and over, all i keep hearing is trust Me, sarah....

right.....

*sigh*

all right.....

so i wait. and in the mean time, cry out, stretch, reach, heal, bend, kneel, rest, learn, watch, grow.

become.

'you can reach me on an airplane; you can reach me with your mind....'

this is a problem. it's 12:30 a.m. and i have to be up in less than 7 hours. i can't sleep. my mind is too full of things i want to do, want to say, want to be....

i'm going to my parents' house for the weekend, leaving tomorrow evening after work. i'm looking forward to chilling with them for a few days. oh, and it never hurts to get hooked up with some free laundry;)

my to-do list (both short- and long-term):
write some thank you notes
send in my check for my high school reunion
find an apartment
go to target/the drugstore
remove toenail polish
finish my book!!

work has been hectic, long, tiring. how is it possible that already i need a vay-cay (phoenetically spelled for your mental reading pleasure)? what i wouldn't give for a week in new england!

what i'll be having instead is a 6-hour night's sleep and some strained dreams about spacing errors and bad grammar.....

someone fabulous, come and visit me.

kelsey grammer sounds just like orson welles

i wish i could say that i'm sitting here feeling all changed and intellectually stimulated after watching citizen kane last night, but to be honest, i found it to be kind of boring. i mean, yes, it was a good movie and i enjoyed it, but it was still kind of boring.

and yes, i understood all of the interesting psychological implications of the film and how it was all cutting edge for its time, etc.....

um, yeah. still boring.

but orson welles as a young man.....kind of sexy....(did i just type that out loud?!)

'Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure....'

today was my day off, and i got my nails trimmed down, filled, and had a french manicure. it was some timely and much-needed pampering, i must say....

when i got home, i tried to catch up with a few friends via phone; this week had been entirely too hectic for social phone calls. i managed to reach a gal pal from high school days and we caught up and shared stories about our lives of late. she revealed to me that she decided to leave her graduate program in favor of starting life her way and ending the whole pressure-based living she's been doing. all i could think of was a solid AMEN to that.

i shared with her how the whole week surrounding my grandmother's funeral had solidified for me what i have known for some time to be true: there is no time like the present to start living my life for real. it has taken me awhile to fully come to terms with how many decisions i have made (or not made) out of fear and/or pressure of the expectations of others. no more. the only person i have to face at the end of the day is God, and if i can't lie in bed at night and be alone with Him and feel okay about the things i've chosen to do with my time and my energy, then what good is all of that? if i am at peace with where He is leading me, then what of the thoughts of others? i can't follow their lead, only His.

it is such a freeing thing to not be bound to all the madness; heck, i've been dragging it around like a weight around my neck for all this time. i am too weary from striving; i am more than ready to be divested of the unrealistic responsibilites i have taken upon myself.

and i realized another thing: no one in my family has walked in my shoes except for me. and i am not like all of them in some very crucial ways. i'm just sarah. i'm just the girl that God created. and that's all i'm trying to be. anyone who wants to judge me can just hold all thoughts to themselves. you haven't hurt my hurts. you haven't cried my tears and laid awake so many nights along with me. only Jesus really knows and only He can give me the strength to keep walking forward. and i am. and this time, my footing is sure and i'm marching to the beat of my own Drummer....

'the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely i have a delightful inheritance.'

(psalm 16:5,6)

remiss

i know, i know...i've been a bad, bad blogger for weeks now. the truth is that now that i'm working, it's very hard for me to feel like i've got it in me to actually say something interesting enough to put out there in the airflow.

things at work have been mostly good, although this week has brought some pretty serious frustrations, a few of which have been fairly maddening. i wish i could go sink my toes into some cool sand somewhere, read a book, and nap in the shade. clearly, this won't be happening anytime soon, but a girl can dream, right?

i had high hopes that i would get hired on permanently around here, but that also doesn't seem likely, at least not right now.

as usual, life is all about learning to lay it all down, give it away, reflect back to God what has always been the truth:

this is all about Him.

bloodshot

i'm pooped, my back hurts, and my left eye is twitching every few minutes. needless to say, i've been staring at the computer screen all day long.

in about an hour, i'm going back to work to pick up salimah and then we're going to the store to pick up some lunch and din-din for the week.

oh, and news flash: i am so mean....mean. mean. mean.

but not in a bad way.....

here are some things you should know (in no particular order and for no particular reason):

1. i do not like crowds.
2. i do not like small spaces, especially if the ceiling is low and the air flow is poor (see #1).
3. i have no desire to go to a third world country.
4. i fully support, however, those whose one desire in life is to go to one.
5. i like cold beverages. with ice. lots of it.
6. i am in the business of telling it like it is. if you are someone who likes to be in denial, do not sit by me.
7. i have already decided that if my new apartment cannot have a decent-sized kitchen, i will convert a closet into shelving space for all my pots and pans.
8. i am committed to the notion of gas stove cooking.
9. i love correct spelling.
10. i love correct grammar even more.
11. i do not tolerate passive-aggressive behavior. please do not come and attempt to perpetrate such nonsense on me.
12. i like a good gin and tonic, provided there is enough lime available.
13. i will not be throwing my bouquet.
14. spills make me nervous.
15. cats (and some dogs) make my eyes itch.

branching out

maybe some day soon, i'll miss knowing what it's like to hear someone else's breathing across the room, or how many steps it takes to get from the pleather couch to the bedroom around the corner in the pitch dark. and maybe i'll be lonely and talking to myself and i'll forget that i gave my coffee maker away and wonder why i don't have it, even though i never drink coffee at home. and maybe i'll get used to having no one around to make sure i get up on time and maybe i'll stop thinking that i need to make enough dinner for at least two people every night of the week.

maybe i'll get used to being alone again after all this time.....

i'll definitely miss those impromptu slumber-party-esque talks sj and i have, and saturday morning breakfasts, and even our occasional sibling-like bickering. but i know i'll see her all the time and the fun we have will be more so because it won't be taken for granted as 'roommate time.' and we'll get our own spaces and room to breathe.

and i can have my own kitchen, which is really what seals this whole deal for me at the end of the day:)

so, i don't know when and i'm not yet quite sure how all of this will shake down, but God willing, i'll get to find out for myself sooner rather than later.

whatever happens, though, no maybes about it....salimah, thank you a million times over for giving me a place to rest my head and my heart for the last year or so. wherever you are will always hold a piece of home for me.

apron strings

this morning i awoke from the first of what i expect to be many dreams in which my grandmother, still alive, is planning for her death. this happened after my grandfather passed away as well; i would have dream after dream in which we were on the way to his funeral, and he couldn't find his tie....

seeing her again in the dream, looking quite a bit younger, i might add, made me feel so relieved, but when i woke up, i remembered. funny how dreams always work out that way....

< non-sequitur >
i got a good deal of work done yesterday, after which i watched the usual suspects (great!) and, later, the dangerous lives of altar boys (eh, so-so). joining netflix has reminded me that there are hundreds of movies that i wouldn't mind seeing, and since they're all lumped in with one monthly fee, why the heck not? netflix can really work to your advantage if you've got a lot of time on your hands....which, at this point, i do....
< /non-sequitur >

i've been thinking a lot about how my grandparents must have been in their youth. i would have loved to have known them then...they both had such character, were both so honest and giving and kind. and yet, they were also filled with faults, just like the rest of us. as a child, it's hard to see your grandparents as having foibles or bad days or being human, really....at least it was for me. and that's a good thing, and that's a bad thing. the good part, of course, is that i felt amazingly cherished, nourished, and safe with them.....the other side of the coin involved a somewhat unhealthy influence that i allowed their own personal standards to have over my life. i always had the thought in the back of my mind, 'are they ashamed of me for not being all that i could be? for not being all that they were?'

in my grandmother's later years, she had the tendency to be more than a bit 'directive,' and as i made my way through the world and experienced the things i was experiencing, these suggestions (demands, whatever) sounded more like judgment and less like advice. it became harder and harder for me to hear all the ways in which i needed to 'fix' myself. i couldn't deal with it. i pulled away from it. from her. it made me sad, but i did it anyway. she was hurting me, even though i knew it was all about her love and concern for me and her desire that i live my life to the 'fullest.' i just couldn't take being wounded by someone whom i esteemed so highly, who had been such a part of me becoming ME. i thought that if i were a failure in her eyes, the least i could do would be to remove myself from the situation so that no one would have to be bothered by all that i wasn't doing 'right.'

towards the last year or so of her life, she backed off (most likely after my mother explained that she was hurting me), and things were a lot more pleasant in our interactions. but it wasn't the same as when i was younger and i ran to her with all my thoughts and hopes and dreams. it wasn't the grandma i used to know. we weren't really very close anymore, and that was still really hard for me, but i set about the task of telling her every chance i got how much i loved her and how much she helped me to grow. and i purposed to see her through realistic eyes and know that she did love me, that she had always been proud of the person i had become, that she hadn't given up hope that i could do anything i put my mind to. i grew to love her all over again - but this time with an adult heart.

although that kid inside of me still hurts for all that i lost - years, even, before she died, the rest of me grieves for the woman i grew to see - someone strong, with a lot of life in her, someone who took risks, someone who loved deeply and well, someone with faults - just like me - but someone who didn't let her faults hold her back from living her life.

it's a funny thing, really....now that i feel that the pressure of standards has been lifted from me, somehow, it makes me want to BE and DO many of the things that were once 'suggested' to me. and if she were here right now, there is so much i'd want to hear about and learn from her still....and so much i'd want to tell her...all those thoughts and hopes and dreams birthed in a child's heart that were kept quietly tucked away for my adult self to discover some day.

i have lost her.

i am finding me.