apron strings

this morning i awoke from the first of what i expect to be many dreams in which my grandmother, still alive, is planning for her death. this happened after my grandfather passed away as well; i would have dream after dream in which we were on the way to his funeral, and he couldn't find his tie....

seeing her again in the dream, looking quite a bit younger, i might add, made me feel so relieved, but when i woke up, i remembered. funny how dreams always work out that way....

< non-sequitur >
i got a good deal of work done yesterday, after which i watched the usual suspects (great!) and, later, the dangerous lives of altar boys (eh, so-so). joining netflix has reminded me that there are hundreds of movies that i wouldn't mind seeing, and since they're all lumped in with one monthly fee, why the heck not? netflix can really work to your advantage if you've got a lot of time on your hands....which, at this point, i do....
< /non-sequitur >

i've been thinking a lot about how my grandparents must have been in their youth. i would have loved to have known them then...they both had such character, were both so honest and giving and kind. and yet, they were also filled with faults, just like the rest of us. as a child, it's hard to see your grandparents as having foibles or bad days or being human, really....at least it was for me. and that's a good thing, and that's a bad thing. the good part, of course, is that i felt amazingly cherished, nourished, and safe with them.....the other side of the coin involved a somewhat unhealthy influence that i allowed their own personal standards to have over my life. i always had the thought in the back of my mind, 'are they ashamed of me for not being all that i could be? for not being all that they were?'

in my grandmother's later years, she had the tendency to be more than a bit 'directive,' and as i made my way through the world and experienced the things i was experiencing, these suggestions (demands, whatever) sounded more like judgment and less like advice. it became harder and harder for me to hear all the ways in which i needed to 'fix' myself. i couldn't deal with it. i pulled away from it. from her. it made me sad, but i did it anyway. she was hurting me, even though i knew it was all about her love and concern for me and her desire that i live my life to the 'fullest.' i just couldn't take being wounded by someone whom i esteemed so highly, who had been such a part of me becoming ME. i thought that if i were a failure in her eyes, the least i could do would be to remove myself from the situation so that no one would have to be bothered by all that i wasn't doing 'right.'

towards the last year or so of her life, she backed off (most likely after my mother explained that she was hurting me), and things were a lot more pleasant in our interactions. but it wasn't the same as when i was younger and i ran to her with all my thoughts and hopes and dreams. it wasn't the grandma i used to know. we weren't really very close anymore, and that was still really hard for me, but i set about the task of telling her every chance i got how much i loved her and how much she helped me to grow. and i purposed to see her through realistic eyes and know that she did love me, that she had always been proud of the person i had become, that she hadn't given up hope that i could do anything i put my mind to. i grew to love her all over again - but this time with an adult heart.

although that kid inside of me still hurts for all that i lost - years, even, before she died, the rest of me grieves for the woman i grew to see - someone strong, with a lot of life in her, someone who took risks, someone who loved deeply and well, someone with faults - just like me - but someone who didn't let her faults hold her back from living her life.

it's a funny thing, really....now that i feel that the pressure of standards has been lifted from me, somehow, it makes me want to BE and DO many of the things that were once 'suggested' to me. and if she were here right now, there is so much i'd want to hear about and learn from her still....and so much i'd want to tell her...all those thoughts and hopes and dreams birthed in a child's heart that were kept quietly tucked away for my adult self to discover some day.

i have lost her.

i am finding me.