'Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure....'

today was my day off, and i got my nails trimmed down, filled, and had a french manicure. it was some timely and much-needed pampering, i must say....

when i got home, i tried to catch up with a few friends via phone; this week had been entirely too hectic for social phone calls. i managed to reach a gal pal from high school days and we caught up and shared stories about our lives of late. she revealed to me that she decided to leave her graduate program in favor of starting life her way and ending the whole pressure-based living she's been doing. all i could think of was a solid AMEN to that.

i shared with her how the whole week surrounding my grandmother's funeral had solidified for me what i have known for some time to be true: there is no time like the present to start living my life for real. it has taken me awhile to fully come to terms with how many decisions i have made (or not made) out of fear and/or pressure of the expectations of others. no more. the only person i have to face at the end of the day is God, and if i can't lie in bed at night and be alone with Him and feel okay about the things i've chosen to do with my time and my energy, then what good is all of that? if i am at peace with where He is leading me, then what of the thoughts of others? i can't follow their lead, only His.

it is such a freeing thing to not be bound to all the madness; heck, i've been dragging it around like a weight around my neck for all this time. i am too weary from striving; i am more than ready to be divested of the unrealistic responsibilites i have taken upon myself.

and i realized another thing: no one in my family has walked in my shoes except for me. and i am not like all of them in some very crucial ways. i'm just sarah. i'm just the girl that God created. and that's all i'm trying to be. anyone who wants to judge me can just hold all thoughts to themselves. you haven't hurt my hurts. you haven't cried my tears and laid awake so many nights along with me. only Jesus really knows and only He can give me the strength to keep walking forward. and i am. and this time, my footing is sure and i'm marching to the beat of my own Drummer....

'the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely i have a delightful inheritance.'

(psalm 16:5,6)