'in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me....' - e.e. cummings

i had a strange, juxtapositioned night....a melange of elation and misery....beauty and ick. i emerged from one thing in particular feeling like i needed to hear what was true.....and so i did. i spoke it aloud to myself and read it on the screen of my laptop, blinking off of a welcomed IM....it restored me - the truth. once again, the gospel brings me home....

and in the most random, off-handed moments, i feel my coldness being wrapped in warmth. and in the midst of my maelstrom of a brain, there is peace and a center....

and there are plenty of things to make me smile.....and not everyone knows what they are.

and that's more than fine with me:)

cold feet, warm heart

i'm feeling very pleased right at the moment....i've got these on my popsicle toes and they are warm and wooly and make me feel like Christmas (by the way, i'm wearing the charcoal gray pair with red toes and heel). that and i'm listening to some nickel creek on my laptop as i type this, and THAT makes me feel like warm apple cider and bonfires and hayrides and the thrill of autumn/early winter when you just want to snuggle with someone.....

anyway, clearly i'm entering a whimsy phase:) i suppose now's as good a time as any for me to show bits and pieces of my oft-subdued giddy schoolgirl-esque self....

wheeeeee:)

as of 6:30 a.m., i was still awake....staring at the hazy, just-before-sunrise light barely beginning to filter through the slats in the window.... my brain roamed through practicalities and into subjects nestled deep inside my heart....what to do about my insurance at the end of the month? when will i feel remotely ready to go back to work? will that package from amazon.com arrive soon enough for me to send this one particular book off in the mail:)? is venice all that i imagine it to be (i'm still reading that book from last week....still holding my breath as my heart races through it)....and will i ever get to ride that gondola on a cool evening and get that kiss under the bridge of sighs.....? will i get married before i turn 30? will my children call me 'mom' or 'mommy'? will i ever feel normal again?

all i know is that right now, normal or not, i feel really grateful....sometimes God tenderly places a present in your lap and, while the outside looks beautiful and you're just so thankful to have the gift and would be content to place it next to you and gaze at it from time to time, He tells you to open it, and what's inside is even better than what you were expecting.

and in the black of midnight, there is yet the promise that morning will come.....that grace and hope and love are not some far-fetched, pie-in-the-sky kind of notions. they are here and now. they are even better than what i was expecting. they are, indeed, the greatest gifts.

here i am on the verge of daybreak, and i'm still up. yeah, yeah, yeah....so what else is new?

nothing, really.

i suppose i should TRY to sleep now. eventually, my body is going to give out on me if i try to brave awake-ness any longer. goodnight, dark world......

goodnight and good morning:)

oh....and jacob, thanks again for the talk.....:)

p.s. for those of you fond of...uh...online shopping (hint, hint!), there's a new link on the right-hand bar!!:)

resolution

okay, so the whole insurance fiasco was not, in reality, what i thought it was.....at least i think it wasn't. i haven't heard back from my former boss that things are a-ok, but i'm sure that it will work out along those lines. it dawned on me yesterday afternoon, as i was sitting in the middle of a discussion with someone, that i had most likely misunderstood the cancellation letter that my insurance company had sent me. SOME of my insurance had been cancelled - dental and vision - but medical (the most important facet) is still cooking - at least until the end of the month.

suffice it to say that i had one of those lightbulb moments and wound up almost laughing at myself for how hysterical i had gotten the night before....

then again, my hysteria was only initially about the insurance and actually much more reflective of deeper issues....as it often is.

so, i continue to take small steps towards wholeness....walking the road and picking up scattered shards of my soul along the way. for those of you who keep me in your prayers, thank you....and please, keep it up. i'm not out of the woods just yet....

ahem....

yes, you read it right. 4:37 a.m. and i'm STILL awake.

oy vey....

OY.

VEY.

at every turn

we went to my storage unit this afternoon to retrieve my winter clothes and bring a few items from the apartment that need a place to rest. i was brutally rebuffed by a red lock on the door to my mini-garage. apparently, the people at this place FORGOT to remove it after i paid my few-day-late bill yesterday. needless to say, i left a rather polite but miffed-sounding message on their service, letting them know that this, in my estimation, was 'totally unacceptable' and in all ways 'inconceivable.'

and please....please don't get me started on my new-found insurance problem. i'm having a minor nervous breakdown as a result....it's all about taking deep breaths and trying not to freak out....

too late.

eyes tightly open

okay, okay....so that was my poor excuse for a kubrick knock-off....but you'll forgive. i've become an insomniac....

no....see....what i REALLY am is exhausted and unable to sleep at night....and all alone with my thoughts and frankly just feeling all sick of it. Lord, please help me to rest. and not just the kind that comes when i close my eyes, but the kind that can only be found in Your presence....

lots going on around here....emotional upheaval, some of which doesn't involve me for a change....and yet my involvement is secured nevertheless. i can't escape the sorrows of those near and dear to me....that just isn't the way my heart works.

so, i can predict one thing tonight: shortly before sunrise, i will ease into coma and emerge in time for some early afternoon bread-breaking. then, i will attempt to assist miss p back to health (she is, decidedly, 'dying' - in her own words) by some love-filled cooking and lots of cooing and sympathizing. perhaps even trivial pursuit will enter the equation at some point during the day. and then, i fear, the cycle will begin again....and so perhaps we will meet again tomorrow....and you know the drill....same bat time, same bat channel....:)

proprio qui

okay, i take it all back.... i'm not really feeling annoyed or misunderstood or anything resembling yuck. what i feel right now is WHIMISICAL....pure, unadulterated thrills have been chugging through my body for the last several hours. i'm sure you're wondering....'what is up with this flippant chick?' well, people, i'm here to tell you.....

THIS is what has gotten under my skin and turned everything upside down. *sigh.* if ever some as-yet-to-be-seen physical place has captured me, it would be venice....

it was an early spring day in 1996. i had the most delicious sleep, waking from a dream in which i was in this lovely, quaint, soft hotel room. the bed was awash with clean, crisp white sheets, pillows, all billowy and cool...the kind you can sink into and not emerge for days....the walls were a light terracotta red mixed with goldenrod. there was one large window and i walked over to it, swinging it open (each of two halves) toward the spring air. just outside the plain window was a small flower box, filled to bursting with these intricate, bright red and violet blossoms. and the breeze....the sweet, slightly warm breeze just gushed into the room, weaving through my hair and sliding across my skin, smooth like silk.....i felt such warmth and happiness in that moment....

and when i woke up, it was an unusually balmy day for february or march in baltimore; the sun was shining and this SAME wonderful breeze was blowing all around me as i walked over to campus. i ran into a good friend (someone whom i would later love to the point of heartbreak) on the breezeway between these two buildings and as the dead leaves left in winter's wake swirled all around us, i told him about this dream....and i remember him smiling, absorbing some of my own excitement and mirroring it back to me. i felt like skipping, dancing, frolicking.....things that, in most of my waking life, i feel too bound-up to do or even entertain doing.

from then on, it was venice on my mind....venice in my soul....venice coursing through my veins. and someday i will go there...with someone...and we will ride a gondola and kiss under the bridge of sighs and bathe in the sunshine and drink sweet wine.....

but until then, i will read this book and dream....

man, i passed out last night! just moments after i finished my last post (the coma was already setting in as i typed the last few words), i climbed underneath the covers and zonked immediately, not waking up until 11:00 this morning. that's right. 12 hours, baby! i needed it.....soooo sleepy was i.....

in other news, it's cold. my feet are cold. my hands are cold. outside? cold.....this is actually news to NO ONE, but if the local stations can devote three...yes THREE....hours of yesterday's programming to talking about the snow that had ALREADY fallen, why can't i be ms. obvious for a minute or 2?

trying to decide what to make for dinner tonight....trying to decide if and when to shower (it seems so pointless to me, since i did absolutely NOTHING yesterday and i in no way smell - plus my hair is all curly and fun) and which of my traditional clothes to don....

feeling misunderstood, but what else is new?

going to watch 'a makeover story'....at least SOMEONE's getting a new outlook, even if it isn't me.

waiting....(psalm 37:4 all the way)

tonight i made some pseudo-beef stroganoff for dinner. it was quite delish, even though i had to use some non-traditional ingredients to work it all out....i was remarking to a friend earlier that i can't imagine that i should stay single for the rest of my life.....i've got too many good recipes in my arsenal:)

that, of course, and the fact that these people told me i'm irresistible....boy oh boy!! have i got it made now!!!

seriously, people....if it were about all of that, i'd be married already. but you see....1) it ain't about that and 2) it ain't God's timing just yet anyway.....if it were, then somehow this hopefully would NOT be in the picture...at least not as often as it is these days.....in other words, there's miles to go before i sleep....

unless, of course, the sleepy pills i took a couple of hours ago weave their magic web of doze....

and i feel it coming on even now......

i'm out.

tv wasteland

it's no wonder i hardly ever watch prime time television. the nighttime shows these days are just crap! i've spent the evening alone because sj is visiting a friend of hers in the 'burbs. i made some tuna pasta salad with whole wheat rotini. it was pretty good, actually, although i must say that this is the second kind of whole wheat pasta (this one was organic to boot) i've had that tastes grainy. i don't mind a nice nutty, whole grain flavor, but i can do without the sandy feeling in the back of my throat. either way, enough tuna, veggies, and other goodies, and the graininess (is that even a word?) was reduced to a palatable minimum....

in other news, i'm hopefully going to be taking some low-key guitar lessons from a friend of sj's.....i must admit that i'm kinda nervous, because i've wanted to play the guitar since i was 10 years old, and the thought that i might stink at it - that i might have NO kind of talent from which to draw for this endeavor - is disheartening at best. but i'm gonna give it the old college try nevertheless....besides, i've already cut all the nails off of my left hand in preparation. will update you on my progress as chords are being learned and calluses formed....

wish i could say that this day has given me some interesting little factoid to share, but sometimes tuesday is just tuesday.....so, i'm off to take my sleepy pills and close the curtain on all of this ho-hum-ness. night:)

sometime this morning, in an excedrin pm haze, i dreamed i was standing in for one of the dixie chicks during a live performance. i hadn't yet learned my harmony back-up part or memorized the words to a solo i'd be performing, but i kept assuring them that i'd do them proud....that i'd be able to pull it off. they seemed fairly convinced and busied themselves dressing me, doing my hair, and putting on the traditional 'dixie chicks make-up' (whatever that means).....strange as it may seem, i was relieved to have entered this whole crazy scene, because it followed on the heels of a series of nightmares. and even in my dream-ensconced state, i was cognizant of the fact that i had emerged from those terrible places unscathed.

moral of the story: it is always better to be an unprepared dixie chick than to be chased and eventually harmed by a bunch of ill-meaning cretins through the parking lot of mcdonald's and other various and sundry places.

sometimes being awake has its advantages....

meatloaf makes me happy

no, i'm not talking about the overaged 'singer'.....i'm speaking of that old dinnertime favorite.

sj and i went grocery shopping this afternoon. i have not been inside the grocery store since LATE SUMMER (i kid you not. we have been surviving on 7-11 fare and anything sammie can pick up while out on one of her jaunts-on-foot....

anyhoo....i digress....so we brought a car-full of groceries home, i cleaned out the fridge, rearranged the cabinets, and then made some dinner - which included the aforementioned loaf of meat....some baked potatoes....veggies....it felt SO good to be productive in that way - to cook for someone else....to make something with my own two hands that pleased another person. such a different feeling than yesterday, which was all about regret and disappointment.....fear and frustration.....dismay and melancholy.

life is definitely a bit edgy right about now....i'm having a LOT of trouble relaxing...sleeping....resting of any kind at night.....so until further notice, i'm taking some sleeping aids. nothing crazy. just a little excedrin pm to smooth things over. i'd rather be asleep than freaking out any day....

so....there you have it: cooking and sleepy pills....don't worry, people. i haven't lost it. i just figure - if these things will keep the crying jags at a minimum, who am i to complain?

reading between the lines

life in the blog world would not be interesting if i just said i spent all day crying....

on the heels of december

i've played my hand of cards and definitely didn't come out a winner this time around. here's hoping that next month will yield more than it subtracts.....

give thanks

i just returned home from dinner with michael and his family. it's 7:00 and this building is SO quiet; it's eerie, almost. there's no one downstairs at the front desk. no usual hustle and bustle in and out of the garage. strange.

so here, in the quiet, my mind has room to meander a bit....to reflect upon this last year....to pray and offer up thanksgiving after thanksgiving for what the Lord has done. the thing that stands out the most to me is the fact that God literally removed nearly everything in my life that was holding me back from going deeper with Him. last fall, he moved me out of a church where i wasn't prospering. in march, he took me out of a work situation that i would not have left on my own accord (in fact, just months before, i told salimah that God was going to have to get my boss to fire me or close the business to get me out of there, because i knew that i wouldn't leave her - my loyalty to her was too strong). He led me to make some hard choices regarding relationships that needed truth spoken into them. then, in the summer, sammie and i closed up shop, so to speak, on our old apartment and all my belongings went into storage....and i turned into a refugee of sorts:).... and all along, woven throughout (but not because of) all these circumstances, i experienced the onset of a tremendous depression and onslaught of emotional upheavals, one after the other.

so why am i thankful? because God has stayed close to me this whole time. He has drawn me into His presence day after day, even when i didn't feel like coming close....especially when i didn't feel like coming close. He has given me some dear, giving, loving friends to walk this road alongside me. He has taught me multitudes about myself, my tendencies, fears, and the ways that i relate (not always well) to other people. He has shown me that i can go on, even though things seem impossible. He has shown me that His grace IS sufficient for me. He has proven His faithfulness every single day. He has taught me....and is teaching me....to lean on Him instead of myself. He has removed the burdens of years and years of hiding behind secrets and lies. He is easing my pain. He is letting me feel the things i need to feel and not giving me more than i can handle. He is helping me learn to not be ashamed of who i am.

He is the reason that i am still alive. He IS my life.....

give thanks with a grateful heart,
give thanks to the Holy One,
give thanks because He's given
Jesus Christ
His Son.
and now let the weak say, "i am strong."
let the poor say "i am rich,"
because of what the Lord has done
for us.
give thanks.

happy thanksgiving, everyone. it's my prayer that you'll take a moment and reflect on all that you have in your life.....and as you remember these things, that you would know in your heart that the Lord is God, and that His mercy and goodness and love endure forever.

it's a cajun thing

my cool friend kristi is, at this very moment, in her kitchen making a turducken. what is this, you may ask? according to this website, a turducken is "a 15-16 pound semi-boneless turkey stuffed with a duck and a chicken, with layers of delicious stuffing between each bird." that's straight up craziness....but in a good kind of way:)

so i'm talking to the woman on the phone, and she's discussing how all these 'random' people are coming out of the woodwork, suggesting plans for this holiday weekend. but not me. i'm not counted among the numbers, people. I'M not random.....and do you want to know why? (heed this, for future reference!)

'you're not random,' she says plainly, 'cause you're FABULOUS!'

turducken or not....delicious stuffing or not....my thanksgiving is now COMPLETE:)

**ps - check out the new 'listen' file in the right-hand column....just ridiculous....but some people LOVE their turducken, i guess!!

the value in leaving

i have always been charmed by the notion that a better life could be waiting for me out there somewhere. and yet, until 6 or 7 years ago, the thought of moving far away from home was not comfortable to me. as much as i wanted to 'break out' of my life, i didn't want to remove myself so much that a car or train or bus couldn't bring me back home in a day's time.

leaving can be such a dramatic affair. those nearest and dearest to you hold a party, tell you all the things about you that they love and will miss, share with you all the things that their hearts have held but mouths have never uttered. at least this is the way it happens on tv and in the movies.

the reality is that what leaving has done in my own life is clarified what was true all along: there are only a handful of people who choose to remember my phone number. and slightly more who both have it written down and use it from time to time. for a long time it hurt me to know this, but now i guess i'm farther along in the process of coming to terms and letting go of the emotional pain that accompanies that journey.

and perhaps it's for the best. i mean, this world is NOT my home. neither are any of the cities in which i have resided over the last 27 years. neither is any person, any thing, any memory. i will say this, though: for the few people out there who DO use my phone number, it is they who make this life all the sweeter....and somehow i think that if i did pack all my bags tomorrow, throw them into my car and announce my departure, they would be there to send me off...to say things to me, not that they had been holding in, but that they have been saying ALL ALONG. because that is the way that friends are.

and i'll take that over tv any day.

crazy

why would i spend my life longing for the day that it would end
why would i spend my time pointing to another man
isn’t that crazy

how can i find hope in dying with promises unseen
how can i learn Your way is better in everything i’m taught to be
isn’t that crazy

i have not been called to the wisdom of this world
but to a God who's calling out to me
and even though the world may think
i'm losing touch with reality
it would be crazy to choose this world
over eternity

and if i boast let me boast in filthy rags made clean
and if i glory let me glory in my Savior's suffering
isn’t that crazy

and as i live this daily life i trust You for everything
and i will only take a step when i feel You leading me
isn’t that crazy

call me crazy
you can call me crazy
call me crazy

(mercyme)