the value in leaving

i have always been charmed by the notion that a better life could be waiting for me out there somewhere. and yet, until 6 or 7 years ago, the thought of moving far away from home was not comfortable to me. as much as i wanted to 'break out' of my life, i didn't want to remove myself so much that a car or train or bus couldn't bring me back home in a day's time.

leaving can be such a dramatic affair. those nearest and dearest to you hold a party, tell you all the things about you that they love and will miss, share with you all the things that their hearts have held but mouths have never uttered. at least this is the way it happens on tv and in the movies.

the reality is that what leaving has done in my own life is clarified what was true all along: there are only a handful of people who choose to remember my phone number. and slightly more who both have it written down and use it from time to time. for a long time it hurt me to know this, but now i guess i'm farther along in the process of coming to terms and letting go of the emotional pain that accompanies that journey.

and perhaps it's for the best. i mean, this world is NOT my home. neither are any of the cities in which i have resided over the last 27 years. neither is any person, any thing, any memory. i will say this, though: for the few people out there who DO use my phone number, it is they who make this life all the sweeter....and somehow i think that if i did pack all my bags tomorrow, throw them into my car and announce my departure, they would be there to send me off...to say things to me, not that they had been holding in, but that they have been saying ALL ALONG. because that is the way that friends are.

and i'll take that over tv any day.