this is 40

today is the half-day of the year and the 40th anniversary of the day i was born. i am utterly gobsmacked about the fact that i have lived this long, and while i am by no means 'old,' the word 'young' also doesn't describe me any longer. i am somewhere in the middle, i guess. middle-aged. good grief. that phrase feels so far from me, though if i am being honest, i am there. right. there.

birthdays often mean retrospectives (see last year's blog post), and this one is no different. i have been doing a lot of stock-taking over the last month or so as this day has quickly approached. i've made lists, tied up loose ends, and thrown things out. but more than all that, i have arrived.

a year ago, on my 39th birthday, i promised myself that i would work to remain present in as many moments as possible this year. and i was. i took mental snapshots (finger clicks and all). i sat inside discomfort and comfort alike..inside sadness and joy...and i soaked them in. i said hard things. i made even harder decisions. i swallowed my pride, and i patted myself on the back and gave myself snaps once in awhile. i tried to let my emotions be what they were, knowing that it is an honor to really FEEL. i took long walks and fantastic bubble baths. i listened to stunning music sung by some of my favorite musicians. i saw some phenomenal theatrical works and laughed, cried, and gushed to my heart's content. i cooked, ate, and photographed some seriously delicious food. i spent time with people i deeply love and appreciate. i received care and i sowed love into others. i made some new friends and continued to keep the old (remembering that the girl scouts song was always right). i made some mistakes, i avoided some others (whew!), and i forgave myself for not always doing everything perfectly. i found out that i'm more wholly me than ever before in my life. i rejoiced in that realization.

so in this middle place, i meet myself again. my hope for the coming year (and the coming 40 years) is to become more and more me...to share what i love with others and to bring joy to their lives...to pursue wholeness in all things (body, mind, and spirit)...to speak my truth and tell my story (through words, actions, and the food i create)...to love and laugh and cry with more abandon...to continue making balance and fun major priorities in my life (this is worth EVERY effort)...and to remain present in every moment, good or bad. i am happy to say that i am already in pursuit of these things (i'm more about realistic goals these days). i am already firmly on the road.

and though i don't know yet what lies around the next bend and who will meet me there, i know today who my real friends are and where i want to be. i am loved. i live an abundantly blessed life. i am grateful for all the opportunities i have to work on myself and the world around me. so, with thanksgiving and hope in my heart, i acknowledge that every day up until this point has brought me here. and whether the path ahead is smooth or bumpy, i know that the road i travel is mine. the journey is my choice because i believe the end is worth the effort. here's to the next 40, y'all. i said it before and i'll say it again. look out, world. i have arrived.

starting from zero, got nothin' to lose

there's something kind of sad in the passing of a year. i sit here, newly 32, and marvel at all that has happened in the last (roughly) 365 days. this time last year, i was in month 2 of what turned out to be a more than 4-month upper respiratory illness that took basically all my strength (as well as my hearing and taste) for longer than i ever thought possible.

finally, as i began to get myself back in the saddle health-wise, i started having major foot problems, which have continued to this very day. being sick and/or in pain in some capacity nearly every day for an entire year can really wear a person down. couple that with some colossal disappointments in my personal life, and the hits just keep on coming. no matter the effort i put into my goals, the answer kept coming back loud and clear: not this time.

well, in the face of starting over, i find in myself slight (and sometimes a lot more than that) trepidation, but my resolve is strong nevertheless. i believe that, by God's grace, this year will be different than last. day 2 of ww was a bear, but i made it through. this season is all about telling my body who's boss and getting it to show me the money.

watch me.