i can't sleep. i went to bed and laid there, hoping that i could drift off, or at the very least feel tired enough to think about drifting off. no such luck. my muscles are sore from my nearly 16-hour workday yesterday (self-imposed - i had a lot to catch up on) from home. today was much more in the realm of normal hours-wise, but my body is not happy with me. not in the least.

anyway, my grandmother is hanging on. she's been on a respirator since saturday night, because her condition worsened after salimah and i left; the doctors are hopeful, however, that when they remove her from life support, she will start breathing on her own again. the next 24 to 48 hours will be critical, i think....

this is such a strange time for me. everything feels so surreal....so weighed down by 'what ifs'....nothing seems possible. everything seems possible. who even KNOWS what is possible (well, other than God, of course)....and if my mind has a free moment, it goes to thoughts of my grandmother, all the times i spent with her as a child, all the little moments that i don't think about so often but are still very much there in the recesses of my mind. working an incredibly long day yesterday definitely helped in the distraction department, but tonight, there is nothing to take my mind away....nothing to do but lie there awake and pray for God's mercy....nothing to do but sit here at this computer screen and type myself into oblivion....

i wish i had a hot bath and a long massage and an even longer night's rest. what i will likely get is a fitful, dream-laden 'sleep' and when the alarm goes off at 7 a.m., i will wish i were dead. there's always a chance for something different, of course, but the odds of late seem to be against me.

miles to go notwithstanding, i'm gonna have another try at the pillow.....

goodnight, world.