'i know you're out there somewhere....'

yes, i just quoted the moody blues. how old am i anyway?

in other news, i'm here to report that there are a lot of freaking people in this world. i was in a beauty products store and the owner was going on and on about 6 billion. okay, yes, it's a number. a very, very big number. but do you ever really THINK about what that means?

during the inauguration this week, i looked at the sea of people that descended on washington (perhaps up to 2 million people on the mall?) and realized that this sea was just a speck of humanity. just a speck. does that ever weird anyone else out, or is it just me??

anyway, then i started thinking about the whole doppelganger theory...you know, that there's at least one other person out there that looks and perhaps acts just like you. which is just weird. and sometimes, when i'm doing something quirky and saying one of my 'isms,' i wonder if my doppelganger is saying the same thing at that very moment. and then my head starts to hurt, because again, there are SIX BILLION people and also, why am i thinking about this in the first place?

right, so anyway, i wonder if there's another person somewhere in this world that looks and acts just like me. that's it. that's all i've got tonight. i did more homework, and now my brain is shot, and i didn't eat any dinner, and i'm thinking about doppelgangers.

k, bye:)

in which it becomes obvious that i have very little on the to-do list

this past week, i had a bout with a stomach flu that knocked me on my butt. i'm still not entirely recovered energy-wise, and i'm starting to wonder if i have a slight iron deficiency. perhaps i'll mainline spinach for a few days....

yesterday i spent napping, trying to chase away a headache i think was brought on by dehydration, and writing a paper that, once i sat down and actually did it, took me all of 45 minutes. all that procrastination for nothing!

today's plan is to shower, get out of the house for awhile, and then come home and do the four loads of laundry i have waiting on my floor....mostly towels and sheets, but still. i hate looking at it, and i refuse to let it go another week without getting addressed.

in other news, i'm starting to think more pointedly about what i want to do with my graduate degree—and possibly with the next one i get. if i'm going all the way to 'doctor,' i might as well have some actual plans, you know?

more on that as time passes. for now, shower and something to tide me over until lunch. what more riveting update could i give you than that!?

'...and let it begin with me'

today i watched history crack open and reveal itself to be a surprising, hopeful, and ever-changing turn and twist of events. today 'we the people' saw the swearing in of a black man as President of the United States of America. today i watched joy spark in the eyes of those who have seen and felt and experienced so much tragedy and so little freedom. today i wept along with those people for the reality of what, for many generations, was a dream too elusive to grasp, too terrifying, almost, to hope for.

today i thought about how far we've come and how many more miles we must yet walk in these shoes.

today i thanked God for another man who has been through a lot in the last two terms and tipped my hat to him, even when so many others do not. today i pledged to support mr. obama....mr. president....because, even though i didn't vote for him, i believe it is my duty as a citizen of this country to respect my leaders (even when we disagree). today i am proud to be an american. today i am hopeful for change.

today i am even more aware that the change we all seek must begin with ourselves.

it's friday and i'm in high avoidance mode

so, the new year is in full swing and i suddenly have nothing to say.

but here's something: i'm thinking about getting my doctorate. i know. i know. all i've done for the last year and a half is complain about how much homework i have. and maybe i'll change my mind when the time comes, but for now, it's sounding like a darn good idea. and even more so because i get 70% off my tuition. hellOOOO....

for now, however, i just need to make it until june without losing my mind. and then i've promised myself six months off. i pinky swear!

in other news, i've taken on a small personal mission to try and be a bit less loose lipped this year. it's not so much a resolution as a mindset. yes, a mindset. that's what i shall call it. so far, so good.

and speaking of good, i'm now obsessed with encrusting everything in panko bread crumbs. so crispy and tasty! expect to hear of panko in '09.

and for my final announcement of the day: i'm getting rid of my nails. i'm tired of having them. i want stubby fingers back when i bake and do hardcore cooking, and honestly, i don't need the added expense. plus, my nails were getting tired of being covered up. i could tell. they—and i—need a break. my hair, however, does not. it needs a trim and another highlighting job in a month or two. gotta keep ahead of the old lady hair!

and with that, i have nothing more to share. i now return you to your regularly scheduled lack of programming while i go and procrastinate some more:)

hello, it's me.....

i know. i know. it's been awhile and i'm long overdue for some type of update. well, no time like the present....

first, the holidays were lovely and relaxing. my parents came to see me and stayed for a few days. we opened gifts, had some nice dinners, and celebrated their anniversary at della notte (for the second year in a row - it's becoming a tradition). i slept almost whenever i wanted—something i needed more than you'll ever know. over this mini-vaca, i also got to see a few dear friends and spent much time hanging out with the bff. new year's eve brought with it my dearest nigel, some tasty cocktails (including mai tais and firefly and lemonade - oh dear was THAT good), salimah and her sister, and some game-playing and karaoke-singing. i have blackmail videos, but i'm still debating whether they'll make it to the internet;). nige and i also visited with his cousin, her husband, and their two awesome kids and during that visit i was introduced to the best mac and cheese recipe i've ever encountered in my LIFE. oh, martha stewart, i really DO love you, despite what others say....

going back to work was slightly jarring, but i managed to hold it together, and although the new semester has started, i'm sort of avoiding doing anything resembling actual schoolwork. that will all change tonight, however, when i have to buckle down and produce a couple of assignments on the fly. i'm only three courses away from my degree. damn, that feels good to say!

as for what most people would consider new year's resolutions, i suppose i have a few, but at this moment, i'm not feeling so much like sharing those with the internets. perhaps i'll change my mind later, though. i'm sometimes fickle that way:).

what i CAN give you, however, is a year-in-review of '08. here are some things i discovered, rediscovered, and/or continued to appreciate, in no particular order:

1. the neti pot. holy crap - go out and get one of these and use it. i promise you won't regret it.
2. ne-yo. gosh, i heart him for some reason.
3. brown. i also heart brown.
4. red. don't worry, red, you're still my #1.
5. DVR. i don't feel that i will ever want to give this up. it has changed my TV life.
6. fage greek yogurt. i'm deeply entrenched in a love affair that borders on obsession. please don't try to intervene. it will do you no good.
7. grapefruit. citrus love. 'nuff said.
8. eucerin calming cream. so soothing.
9. regular haircuts and highlights. i'm too old to have my hair looking bad. trust me.
10. nails. even after a major nail 'incident' that involved bleeding and exposed flesh, i still love them. i may give them up in '09, though. jury's still out on this one.
11. my bella. she still runs like a charm and makes me happy every day.
12. money. i do not take these things for granted....
13. a job i enjoy. i ESPECIALLY do not take this for granted.
14. old friends and new friends. facebook really IS awesome.
15. my educational mojo. i'm kicking butt in grad school, yes, but i'm also just really wanting to continue my studies. this is foreign to me!

i know there's more. i just know it. but right now, i need to get crackin' on work and all of that. oh, and one of my glasses managed to throw itself off the kitchen counter at about 5 a.m. (hmm, suspicious), so now i've got shards all over my kitchen floor that need sweeping. is it friday yet?

oh, and happy 2009! may it be your best year yet, whoever and wherever you are:)

this christmas

i have nothing pithy to say. go be with the ones you love, love the ones you're with, and celebrate all good gifts

'twas the morning before christmas...

...and i woke up with a horrible knot in my right shoulder and a headache to match.

i've been done with this semester for a couple of days now, but i have yet to enjoy the feeling of 'time off' because i've been running around like a crazy woman and have been battling sprint in order to try and get a phone that works and that doesn't erase my contacts list from the online back-up system (which it did yesterday!). *sigh*

so, let's just say it's been a rough few days and move on from that, shall we?

i'm actually thankful for a lot this year. let's briefly recap:

• my parents, who are loving and supportive and who still put up with my random phone calls to ask them dumb questions
• my kickass friends who put up with my random freakouts and remind me what's true about my life when i manage to forget....and who don't seem to mind when i do the same for them:)
• my job, which not only was a vehicle through which i was able to leave the last place (a bit disastrous) but which has provided for my financial needs this year and gives me an opportunity to do something i love and to make a difference in the world through education
• my cute apartment that keeps me warm and is filled with fun things (many of which were gifts from the aforementioned parents and kickass friends)
• my bella, who gets me from place to place without complaint - and with heated posterior parts due to her toasty warm seats:)
• my country, which affords me the freedom to pursue my interests and the freedom to worship and profess and confess without hiding under cover of darkness
• my God, who (in addition to providing all of the above), day after day, saves me all over again. He knows i need it.

today may you be filled with the mystery of promise, with the trembling hope of what is to come.

real quick

i'm about to dash off to work, but i just wanted to check in with the blog world and remind you all that i'm alive (sorta). 31-page paper down, 2 more major papers to go (one due tomorrow night) before this semester ends. Lord, let it come soon.

oh, and because i'm a slacker in responding to comments of late: devika, sticky toffee cheese, from what i could surmise, is something like stilton with pieces of actual brown-sugary toffee cake-ness stirred throughout (there were raisins in there periodically, too). i'm telling you—it's sinful; that's how good it was. wegman's sells it, although someone else in the world must as well. holy dairy products, batman. now i want some more!

all right, off to start my day. we're over the hump, people. there's no turning back now in our downhill slide toward the weekend:)

'we have a piper down. i repeat. a piper is DOWN.'

this post will be short because i have a paper to write and only 9 fingers to do it with. yeah. that's right. one of my little helpers is out of commission because yesterday, in a sleepy stupor, i went to pick up my laundry basket and managed to tear off one of my acrylic nails (and a third of my real nail) as it slipped out of my hand. there was blood immediately. and crying. and panic. and more crying. and then self-imposed medical care. thank God i know how to wrap a bandage and care for a wound....growing up around medical people really does have its advantages.

but now my middle finger on my right hand is completely ineffective and sore and i this is really frustrating. and did i mention the paper? oh yeah. better get to it.

it's official....

as is becoming my new tradition, today was spent (with salimah's much-needed help) setting up my christmas tree. candles are strategically placed around the living and dining rooms, stocking hung on the wall, and all is magically aglow.

see what i mean? oh, and here's a close-up of one of my favorite ornaments....

i promise i'll try to post more pictures in the coming weeks. i'm trying to be better about all of that. in the meantime, i have two papers to write this evening. boo. hiss!

welcome, christmastide. it took you long enough to get here!!

thanksgiving antics

the turkey day holiday was very relaxing, as it turned out, and a good time was had by all (i can hear my high school principal saying that over the loudspeaker in my head as i type this; it was his favorite way of summarizing school events). i can show you pics of the cheese plate...okay, fine. here it is:

see that brownish triangle around 1:00? sticky toffee cheese. yeah, you read it right. so delicious!

anyway, enough cheese. aside from being thankful that we were all together (me, salimah, her two sisters, her mom, her mom's friend, and babygirl), there was much laughter and making of merry. and as part of the usual theatrics, i present to you, caryl and the lovely miss baby g herself:

thanksgiving antics from shrub775 on Vimeo.

happy belated thanksgiving, everyone!

that's it

i officially hate school.

okay. i don't 100% hate it, but i have a freaking paper due on thanksgiving day, and it's 1:40 in the morning and i just finished another stupid assignment. and i'm exhausted. and i didn't eat dinner tonight, which means i'm now hungry and very thirsty and whinewhinewhine!!!

also, i'm extremely congested and i hope i'm not coming down with something. i can't handle that. i mean it.

did you hear me?

okay, enough complaining. i'm getting some water and then off to bed.

*sob*

'hang all the mistletoe; i wanna get to know you better....'

yesterday we had the first snow of the season. it spent a good portion of the day flurrying and/or really coming down in various parts, much of which i could see from the window of my office building. the city looks so beautiful in the snow. i seriously wished in that moment that i had my camera.

this week was rough for me. i'm feeling really run down (what else is new?) and it's just been very, very hard to motivate myself to get anything done once i come home from work. i'm looking forward to the short work week ahead but not to the papers i have to write. the one downside to this graduate program is that (along with my lack of free time) there are no breaks for major or minor holidays. just keep on trucking, even on turkey day.

tonight the apartment is quiet. i spent the afternoon snuggling under blankets, catching up on some tv, and napping on and off. i don't know how late i'll be staying up tonight, but of course tomorrow brings with it another paper due and another week to gear myself up for. july better come soon. thats all i'm saying about that.

on one final note, as part of my tv time this afternoon, i watched the movie 'this christmas' (salimah had recommended). i loved it. those family, homey-type movies always put me in the holiday mood. christmas is just over a month away. let the ho-ho-ho begin:)....

'never find a love like this....'

tonight i am missing my grandfather more than i can express in words. i feel that subtle ache in my throat from the sadness that wants to come out but cannot. there is no room, you see. i have much to do before bedtime. in the background, my cable is playing one 'adult alternative' hit after another...some slightly upbeat, some melancholy, some filled with aching hope. i'm down the hall chatting on IM, cleaning up my desk, and trying to create some semblance of order before i hit the hay (cleaning lady comes tomorrow). i already checked in with my bff, my mom, and my work e-mail (check, check, check), and i'm longing for the quiet of an empty room and the white noise of a fan to drown my thoughts about tomorrow and all of its worries.

last night, my mom was sewing and i was in the living room doing work, and it hit me so heavily. mom, i miss grandpa, i said.

i know, she said, i miss him, too. every day.

every day. yeah, that about sums it up. it's been almost 15 years since he died, and there isn't one day that goes by that something doesn't stir up his voice, his spirit, his ways of answering questions, his quiet knowing. these days i look for glimpses of him in every man i meet. most don't possess even a shade, but there are some...a few...whose character and very essence hearken back to a time before they crossed my path...to a person they've never met and, on this earth, never will.

when my grandfather was a young man and not long married, he had to go overseas in WWII. during that time, he wrote my grandmother letters (letters i knew nothing about until after she died five summers ago) telling her of his days and instructing her to watch this or that aspect of her health and the health of their young daughter (my mother). amidst the medical advice (he was a doctor, after all), you could sense his love for her and his longing to be back with her. and as an old man, there was never any question that she had been his love all those years. through their arguing and sometimes even yelling (conversations, they called them), he looked at her with the kind of certainty that bespeaks something so much deeper than movie screen love affairs and flowery poetry. it was the kind of love that had seen war and death, birth, blood, sickness, hard financial times, difficult relational times, children, and the putting of hands to a plow (or hammer, or stethoscope) to put in an honest day's work—side by side. it was a love that never gave up, never walked out, and never needed proving with empty words and meaningless tokens.

it was a love that spilled over into four children, six grandchildren, and hundreds of devoted family and friends. it was a love that changed my little kid heart every time he held me tight, called me sweetheart, or asked me to sing him a song.

every day. yes. every. single. day. i still feel that love. i still miss it. i want it again. and obviously, though it won't be the same (nor should it), it will echo of times past. of honor and forbearance. of believing in someone's dreams and promises and hopes. of wanting the best and laying down your life for that to happen. of knowing what you want and never, ever letting it go.

herculean

this weekend has been packed. my mom came to visit me and we have been doing chores nonstop. let me recap:

friday
arrival. chicken parm. hot cocoa and '27 dresses.' hung out until midnight or so. collapse.

saturday
slept in a bit. breakfast/shower. errand running (wine store, drugstore, jo-ann fabrics, trader joe's). lunch out (flying avocado cafe - LOVE). prepping pants for hemming. stuffed chix breasts for dinner. hot cocoa and 'ratatouille.' early to bed.

sunday
early to rise (mom had been up for hours). cutting patterns for quilted appliance covers. lunch at mari luna with salimah. starbucks. four hours of closet cleaning (looks amazing). four bags of stuff for goodwill. four bags of trash. hot shower. more hemming. bread, cheese, and english breakfast tea for dinner. computer work to prep for tomorrow. sleeeeeepy.

my mom is a champion, plain and simple. she's so generous and helpful with her time and talents. my closet was in desperate need of organization and cleaning and she got me three tubs (two hold purses and one holds photos) and several garment bags and covers. so now all my clothes are protected from dust and tucked away in their proper places. and my cleaning lady comes on tuesday to deal with the rest of the dust and grime. what a relief!

tonight i will sleep like a log. this past week was rough and the one coming up promises more long days and late nights. i'm grateful for exhaustion like this, because it means that i did something worthwhile with my time, and i'm one step farther along in the process of having a more orderly life.

oh, and as a side note: my mom found a 9 of spades behind something in my closet and said to me with concern, 'i hate to tell you this, but you haven't been playing with a full deck.'

ain't that the truth....

worn thin

i'm having one of those weeks where i cannot even envision making it to friday. no, nothing's wrong, per se, but i'm just so inundated with 'stuff' to do and i just want to sleep. tonight i was at the office until 8:30 finishing up some things for work and then writing the equivalent of a 3-page paper in about 30 minutes' time. thank God i can put words on a page rather quickly; i honestly wouldn't be making it through grad school right now otherwise.

what makes me feel a tad bit sick to my stomach right now is the understanding that even though the thanksgiving holiday is fast approaching, there is no rest for the weary. i will probably spend the night much the same as last year: spending a tiny bit of time relaxing with friends and then writing a paper until the wee hours of the morning. the thought of this makes me want to cry.

okay, there. i got it out. now i'm going to watch some DVR'ed cooking shows, put my feet up, rehydrate, and call it a night.

all right, look

i'm just going to say this one time, because i don't want to waste the opportunity to catalog the goings-on of the world in this space.

i'm a conservative, okay? like, really. and for the last several months, in particular, i've been on the receiving end of a lot of crap from other people about how that somehow 'means' something about me and the way i feel about others. well, it means a lot of things, but none of them include that i'm stupid, naive, bigoted, and a hater of women, racial minorities, and other groups. may i remind the gentle reader that i am, in fact, a woman? and i like us just fine, thank you. :)

i'm saying all of this because i am one of the few million who did not 'barack the vote' during this election. and believe you me, i struggled with it. i struggled because john mccain isn't really that conservative and i really wouldn't have chosen him as my candidate (nor did i in the primaries), and voting for barack obama - for me - would have been more of a social statement than a political one. and i nearly did - for that reason alone. i nearly, nearly did.

in the months up to the election, salimah and i had many a tense conversation about the candidates. she was so passionately pro-obama and i was so passionately anti a lot of his policies (primarily economic ones). but her passion runs so much deeper than politics, policies, and elections. it draws from a deep and abiding wound that exists in the hearts of so many people in this country for centuries of injustice, hatred, anger, and the feeling of being mocked, cast aside, and placed forever in a position of 'less than' just because of the color of one's skin. but it's not just the wound, either. it's the hope of healing that wound....the hope that all the bullshit (yeah, i said it) might actually be proven false one day; it's the awareness that at some point, the white supremacists, the 'good ol' boy network', and even those of us in suburban america who harbor racist attitudes (and there are many of us, whether we know it or not) will have to acknowledge that ALL PEOPLE REALLY ARE CREATED EQUAL - and not just as a statement on a piece of paper signed by some white men hundreds of years ago.

it was for THIS reason that i nearly voted for obama. but i didn't. i didn't because at the end of the day, i still believe in other things, too, and i made my decision - even though it was a difficult one - based on where i thought this country needed to head in order to get out of this mess we're in. obviously, my choice didn't make it into the top seat, but i'm glad and really grateful that so many people all over this country shared their opinions, got involved, got inspired, and got behind the candidate they wanted.

when barack gave his acceptance speech on tuesday night, he made mention of all those people whose support he has yet to earn (and in that statement, i hope that i heard a desire to earn that support in the coming months and years). i'm glad he feels that he's my president, too. he's got a lot of hard work ahead of him - that's for sure. but with all that he will have to accomplish, there is one HUGE hurdle he has already crossed. and for that - regardless of policies or party - my heart is overjoyed.

salimah, you are NEVER going to the back of the bus in this country again. and by God's grace, no one else ever will.

soundtrack for autumn 2008

i started a new mix the week before last. it's 63 songs that conjure up fall for me....in all its yearning and wonder and worry....the gearing up for a season of desolation followed by the promise of something new. it is the turning inward, the time to make a nest, the months of bearing up under the coming cold and wind. fall makes me remember the strength that winter requires. 

 

my heart is a bit heavy today...lots going on inside me but none of it worth mentioning here, really. what i continue to find remarkable is how everything just keeps moving along its trajectory. even looking at the trees, the brilliant reds and yellows are undaunted by indian summers. roads fill with cars in the mornings and evenings as people go to work and home, even as small tragedies grind some other people's lives to a halt. people...and life...keep moving ALL. THE. TIME. no matter what. and though i know that this is the way it must (and probably should) be, sometimes i wish for a moment that i could hold the progress at bay for awhile....perhaps encourage all of life to just take a nap (or a load off) for a few...think about what really matters and get back that sense of focus and calm. (calm? what is that?)

 

in my ears, someone's voice breaks on a note and everything inside of me stirs, then relaxes. keep singing, i think. winter's coming in more ways than one.

from brie to tater tots: one week later

last saturday night, salimah hosted a game night at her apartment and a small group of us gathered to eat hors d'oeuvres and make merry. because there were only 6 of us, we huddled around her small dining room table and feasted on crab rangoon, brie with gingersnaps and dark cherry butter, mini quiche, and shrimp with cocktail sauce. since none of us had eaten dinner beforehand, we descended on the snacks and devoured them in no time at all. by the time we had settled into a rousing game of apples to apples, the second round of food came out: this time, buffalo chicken fingers and tater tots. i know. first, brie with gingersnaps and chi-chi preserves and then tater tots. but you know what? they were the HIT of the night (all thanks to salimah's sister, c, who insisted that everyone would love them - she was right!). as we nibbled on the crispy potato nuggets (with ketchup, of course!), we reminisced about fish sticks and childhood before retiring to the living room for a brief but rousing conversation about politics.

honestly, it was just a lovely way to spend an evening and i hope we can have a repeat performance in the not-too-distant future. readers take note: when you're planning a get-together, let this be a note to the wise that even the most 'foodie' grown-ups still love a tater tot. maybe even more than mini quiche!

electoral

the last four days have been rough for me. i was completely without cable services: home phone (not that important), cable tv, and internet! seriously, it stressed me out to no end. i couldn't get into my classroom in the evenings and even had to stay at work until 9 pm on wednesday just to get a paper written. ridiculous!

i'm back in the game now (for good, i hope) and back to sharing my inane thoughts with my four readers (hello!).

in other news, the cold weather is kind of lovely. it's been rather brisk the last few mornings, but i welcome the temporary disappearance of the swelter and the pulling out of sweaters and woolies. plus, christmastime is coming soon!

before that, though, i have so much work to do (as usual) and much sleep and reading to catch up on. the election is a mere four days away and a week from now—barring no insane hanging-chad-type 'incidents'—we will know our fate for the next four years. regardless of outcome (although it's seeming pretty likely that obama will take it), this is a historic election and one that would seem to indicate our nation is slowly moving in the right direction as far as determining one's qualification for positions of import using more than the amount of pigment in his or her skin. don't get me wrong: we have miles and miles to go in order to put bigotry and hate behind us (and perhaps we never will), but there is hope in that regard.

whether you are republican or democrat, liberal, conservative, or somewhere in between, i hope for all of us that in the coming year, we can care a bit more about the person to our left or to our right; outstretch our hearts and work for justice for anyone being oppressed; dig deeper to meet the needs of people who are without; and seek to understand more than to be understood. this isn't lip service. it's real living with the goal of love in mind. and without it, what do we have to show at the end of the day except a paycheck and another 'thing' to acquire?

while i have been slightly panicked about the state of affairs in our country and in the world at large, i realized once again tonight that the way through our collective fears isn't from the 'right' outcome on november 4. instead, we must strive to elect ourselves to be the change we want to see in this world. so, be assured that i will be voting on tuesday. i'll be voting for all of us. every single one. every single day.