this christmas

i have nothing pithy to say. go be with the ones you love, love the ones you're with, and celebrate all good gifts

'twas the morning before christmas...

...and i woke up with a horrible knot in my right shoulder and a headache to match.

i've been done with this semester for a couple of days now, but i have yet to enjoy the feeling of 'time off' because i've been running around like a crazy woman and have been battling sprint in order to try and get a phone that works and that doesn't erase my contacts list from the online back-up system (which it did yesterday!). *sigh*

so, let's just say it's been a rough few days and move on from that, shall we?

i'm actually thankful for a lot this year. let's briefly recap:

• my parents, who are loving and supportive and who still put up with my random phone calls to ask them dumb questions
• my kickass friends who put up with my random freakouts and remind me what's true about my life when i manage to forget....and who don't seem to mind when i do the same for them:)
• my job, which not only was a vehicle through which i was able to leave the last place (a bit disastrous) but which has provided for my financial needs this year and gives me an opportunity to do something i love and to make a difference in the world through education
• my cute apartment that keeps me warm and is filled with fun things (many of which were gifts from the aforementioned parents and kickass friends)
• my bella, who gets me from place to place without complaint - and with heated posterior parts due to her toasty warm seats:)
• my country, which affords me the freedom to pursue my interests and the freedom to worship and profess and confess without hiding under cover of darkness
• my God, who (in addition to providing all of the above), day after day, saves me all over again. He knows i need it.

today may you be filled with the mystery of promise, with the trembling hope of what is to come.

real quick

i'm about to dash off to work, but i just wanted to check in with the blog world and remind you all that i'm alive (sorta). 31-page paper down, 2 more major papers to go (one due tomorrow night) before this semester ends. Lord, let it come soon.

oh, and because i'm a slacker in responding to comments of late: devika, sticky toffee cheese, from what i could surmise, is something like stilton with pieces of actual brown-sugary toffee cake-ness stirred throughout (there were raisins in there periodically, too). i'm telling you—it's sinful; that's how good it was. wegman's sells it, although someone else in the world must as well. holy dairy products, batman. now i want some more!

all right, off to start my day. we're over the hump, people. there's no turning back now in our downhill slide toward the weekend:)

'we have a piper down. i repeat. a piper is DOWN.'

this post will be short because i have a paper to write and only 9 fingers to do it with. yeah. that's right. one of my little helpers is out of commission because yesterday, in a sleepy stupor, i went to pick up my laundry basket and managed to tear off one of my acrylic nails (and a third of my real nail) as it slipped out of my hand. there was blood immediately. and crying. and panic. and more crying. and then self-imposed medical care. thank God i know how to wrap a bandage and care for a wound....growing up around medical people really does have its advantages.

but now my middle finger on my right hand is completely ineffective and sore and i this is really frustrating. and did i mention the paper? oh yeah. better get to it.

it's official....

as is becoming my new tradition, today was spent (with salimah's much-needed help) setting up my christmas tree. candles are strategically placed around the living and dining rooms, stocking hung on the wall, and all is magically aglow.

see what i mean? oh, and here's a close-up of one of my favorite ornaments....

i promise i'll try to post more pictures in the coming weeks. i'm trying to be better about all of that. in the meantime, i have two papers to write this evening. boo. hiss!

welcome, christmastide. it took you long enough to get here!!

thanksgiving antics

the turkey day holiday was very relaxing, as it turned out, and a good time was had by all (i can hear my high school principal saying that over the loudspeaker in my head as i type this; it was his favorite way of summarizing school events). i can show you pics of the cheese plate...okay, fine. here it is:

see that brownish triangle around 1:00? sticky toffee cheese. yeah, you read it right. so delicious!

anyway, enough cheese. aside from being thankful that we were all together (me, salimah, her two sisters, her mom, her mom's friend, and babygirl), there was much laughter and making of merry. and as part of the usual theatrics, i present to you, caryl and the lovely miss baby g herself:

thanksgiving antics from shrub775 on Vimeo.

happy belated thanksgiving, everyone!

that's it

i officially hate school.

okay. i don't 100% hate it, but i have a freaking paper due on thanksgiving day, and it's 1:40 in the morning and i just finished another stupid assignment. and i'm exhausted. and i didn't eat dinner tonight, which means i'm now hungry and very thirsty and whinewhinewhine!!!

also, i'm extremely congested and i hope i'm not coming down with something. i can't handle that. i mean it.

did you hear me?

okay, enough complaining. i'm getting some water and then off to bed.

*sob*

'hang all the mistletoe; i wanna get to know you better....'

yesterday we had the first snow of the season. it spent a good portion of the day flurrying and/or really coming down in various parts, much of which i could see from the window of my office building. the city looks so beautiful in the snow. i seriously wished in that moment that i had my camera.

this week was rough for me. i'm feeling really run down (what else is new?) and it's just been very, very hard to motivate myself to get anything done once i come home from work. i'm looking forward to the short work week ahead but not to the papers i have to write. the one downside to this graduate program is that (along with my lack of free time) there are no breaks for major or minor holidays. just keep on trucking, even on turkey day.

tonight the apartment is quiet. i spent the afternoon snuggling under blankets, catching up on some tv, and napping on and off. i don't know how late i'll be staying up tonight, but of course tomorrow brings with it another paper due and another week to gear myself up for. july better come soon. thats all i'm saying about that.

on one final note, as part of my tv time this afternoon, i watched the movie 'this christmas' (salimah had recommended). i loved it. those family, homey-type movies always put me in the holiday mood. christmas is just over a month away. let the ho-ho-ho begin:)....

'never find a love like this....'

tonight i am missing my grandfather more than i can express in words. i feel that subtle ache in my throat from the sadness that wants to come out but cannot. there is no room, you see. i have much to do before bedtime. in the background, my cable is playing one 'adult alternative' hit after another...some slightly upbeat, some melancholy, some filled with aching hope. i'm down the hall chatting on IM, cleaning up my desk, and trying to create some semblance of order before i hit the hay (cleaning lady comes tomorrow). i already checked in with my bff, my mom, and my work e-mail (check, check, check), and i'm longing for the quiet of an empty room and the white noise of a fan to drown my thoughts about tomorrow and all of its worries.

last night, my mom was sewing and i was in the living room doing work, and it hit me so heavily. mom, i miss grandpa, i said.

i know, she said, i miss him, too. every day.

every day. yeah, that about sums it up. it's been almost 15 years since he died, and there isn't one day that goes by that something doesn't stir up his voice, his spirit, his ways of answering questions, his quiet knowing. these days i look for glimpses of him in every man i meet. most don't possess even a shade, but there are some...a few...whose character and very essence hearken back to a time before they crossed my path...to a person they've never met and, on this earth, never will.

when my grandfather was a young man and not long married, he had to go overseas in WWII. during that time, he wrote my grandmother letters (letters i knew nothing about until after she died five summers ago) telling her of his days and instructing her to watch this or that aspect of her health and the health of their young daughter (my mother). amidst the medical advice (he was a doctor, after all), you could sense his love for her and his longing to be back with her. and as an old man, there was never any question that she had been his love all those years. through their arguing and sometimes even yelling (conversations, they called them), he looked at her with the kind of certainty that bespeaks something so much deeper than movie screen love affairs and flowery poetry. it was the kind of love that had seen war and death, birth, blood, sickness, hard financial times, difficult relational times, children, and the putting of hands to a plow (or hammer, or stethoscope) to put in an honest day's work—side by side. it was a love that never gave up, never walked out, and never needed proving with empty words and meaningless tokens.

it was a love that spilled over into four children, six grandchildren, and hundreds of devoted family and friends. it was a love that changed my little kid heart every time he held me tight, called me sweetheart, or asked me to sing him a song.

every day. yes. every. single. day. i still feel that love. i still miss it. i want it again. and obviously, though it won't be the same (nor should it), it will echo of times past. of honor and forbearance. of believing in someone's dreams and promises and hopes. of wanting the best and laying down your life for that to happen. of knowing what you want and never, ever letting it go.

herculean

this weekend has been packed. my mom came to visit me and we have been doing chores nonstop. let me recap:

friday
arrival. chicken parm. hot cocoa and '27 dresses.' hung out until midnight or so. collapse.

saturday
slept in a bit. breakfast/shower. errand running (wine store, drugstore, jo-ann fabrics, trader joe's). lunch out (flying avocado cafe - LOVE). prepping pants for hemming. stuffed chix breasts for dinner. hot cocoa and 'ratatouille.' early to bed.

sunday
early to rise (mom had been up for hours). cutting patterns for quilted appliance covers. lunch at mari luna with salimah. starbucks. four hours of closet cleaning (looks amazing). four bags of stuff for goodwill. four bags of trash. hot shower. more hemming. bread, cheese, and english breakfast tea for dinner. computer work to prep for tomorrow. sleeeeeepy.

my mom is a champion, plain and simple. she's so generous and helpful with her time and talents. my closet was in desperate need of organization and cleaning and she got me three tubs (two hold purses and one holds photos) and several garment bags and covers. so now all my clothes are protected from dust and tucked away in their proper places. and my cleaning lady comes on tuesday to deal with the rest of the dust and grime. what a relief!

tonight i will sleep like a log. this past week was rough and the one coming up promises more long days and late nights. i'm grateful for exhaustion like this, because it means that i did something worthwhile with my time, and i'm one step farther along in the process of having a more orderly life.

oh, and as a side note: my mom found a 9 of spades behind something in my closet and said to me with concern, 'i hate to tell you this, but you haven't been playing with a full deck.'

ain't that the truth....

worn thin

i'm having one of those weeks where i cannot even envision making it to friday. no, nothing's wrong, per se, but i'm just so inundated with 'stuff' to do and i just want to sleep. tonight i was at the office until 8:30 finishing up some things for work and then writing the equivalent of a 3-page paper in about 30 minutes' time. thank God i can put words on a page rather quickly; i honestly wouldn't be making it through grad school right now otherwise.

what makes me feel a tad bit sick to my stomach right now is the understanding that even though the thanksgiving holiday is fast approaching, there is no rest for the weary. i will probably spend the night much the same as last year: spending a tiny bit of time relaxing with friends and then writing a paper until the wee hours of the morning. the thought of this makes me want to cry.

okay, there. i got it out. now i'm going to watch some DVR'ed cooking shows, put my feet up, rehydrate, and call it a night.

all right, look

i'm just going to say this one time, because i don't want to waste the opportunity to catalog the goings-on of the world in this space.

i'm a conservative, okay? like, really. and for the last several months, in particular, i've been on the receiving end of a lot of crap from other people about how that somehow 'means' something about me and the way i feel about others. well, it means a lot of things, but none of them include that i'm stupid, naive, bigoted, and a hater of women, racial minorities, and other groups. may i remind the gentle reader that i am, in fact, a woman? and i like us just fine, thank you. :)

i'm saying all of this because i am one of the few million who did not 'barack the vote' during this election. and believe you me, i struggled with it. i struggled because john mccain isn't really that conservative and i really wouldn't have chosen him as my candidate (nor did i in the primaries), and voting for barack obama - for me - would have been more of a social statement than a political one. and i nearly did - for that reason alone. i nearly, nearly did.

in the months up to the election, salimah and i had many a tense conversation about the candidates. she was so passionately pro-obama and i was so passionately anti a lot of his policies (primarily economic ones). but her passion runs so much deeper than politics, policies, and elections. it draws from a deep and abiding wound that exists in the hearts of so many people in this country for centuries of injustice, hatred, anger, and the feeling of being mocked, cast aside, and placed forever in a position of 'less than' just because of the color of one's skin. but it's not just the wound, either. it's the hope of healing that wound....the hope that all the bullshit (yeah, i said it) might actually be proven false one day; it's the awareness that at some point, the white supremacists, the 'good ol' boy network', and even those of us in suburban america who harbor racist attitudes (and there are many of us, whether we know it or not) will have to acknowledge that ALL PEOPLE REALLY ARE CREATED EQUAL - and not just as a statement on a piece of paper signed by some white men hundreds of years ago.

it was for THIS reason that i nearly voted for obama. but i didn't. i didn't because at the end of the day, i still believe in other things, too, and i made my decision - even though it was a difficult one - based on where i thought this country needed to head in order to get out of this mess we're in. obviously, my choice didn't make it into the top seat, but i'm glad and really grateful that so many people all over this country shared their opinions, got involved, got inspired, and got behind the candidate they wanted.

when barack gave his acceptance speech on tuesday night, he made mention of all those people whose support he has yet to earn (and in that statement, i hope that i heard a desire to earn that support in the coming months and years). i'm glad he feels that he's my president, too. he's got a lot of hard work ahead of him - that's for sure. but with all that he will have to accomplish, there is one HUGE hurdle he has already crossed. and for that - regardless of policies or party - my heart is overjoyed.

salimah, you are NEVER going to the back of the bus in this country again. and by God's grace, no one else ever will.

soundtrack for autumn 2008

i started a new mix the week before last. it's 63 songs that conjure up fall for me....in all its yearning and wonder and worry....the gearing up for a season of desolation followed by the promise of something new. it is the turning inward, the time to make a nest, the months of bearing up under the coming cold and wind. fall makes me remember the strength that winter requires. 

 

my heart is a bit heavy today...lots going on inside me but none of it worth mentioning here, really. what i continue to find remarkable is how everything just keeps moving along its trajectory. even looking at the trees, the brilliant reds and yellows are undaunted by indian summers. roads fill with cars in the mornings and evenings as people go to work and home, even as small tragedies grind some other people's lives to a halt. people...and life...keep moving ALL. THE. TIME. no matter what. and though i know that this is the way it must (and probably should) be, sometimes i wish for a moment that i could hold the progress at bay for awhile....perhaps encourage all of life to just take a nap (or a load off) for a few...think about what really matters and get back that sense of focus and calm. (calm? what is that?)

 

in my ears, someone's voice breaks on a note and everything inside of me stirs, then relaxes. keep singing, i think. winter's coming in more ways than one.

from brie to tater tots: one week later

last saturday night, salimah hosted a game night at her apartment and a small group of us gathered to eat hors d'oeuvres and make merry. because there were only 6 of us, we huddled around her small dining room table and feasted on crab rangoon, brie with gingersnaps and dark cherry butter, mini quiche, and shrimp with cocktail sauce. since none of us had eaten dinner beforehand, we descended on the snacks and devoured them in no time at all. by the time we had settled into a rousing game of apples to apples, the second round of food came out: this time, buffalo chicken fingers and tater tots. i know. first, brie with gingersnaps and chi-chi preserves and then tater tots. but you know what? they were the HIT of the night (all thanks to salimah's sister, c, who insisted that everyone would love them - she was right!). as we nibbled on the crispy potato nuggets (with ketchup, of course!), we reminisced about fish sticks and childhood before retiring to the living room for a brief but rousing conversation about politics.

honestly, it was just a lovely way to spend an evening and i hope we can have a repeat performance in the not-too-distant future. readers take note: when you're planning a get-together, let this be a note to the wise that even the most 'foodie' grown-ups still love a tater tot. maybe even more than mini quiche!

electoral

the last four days have been rough for me. i was completely without cable services: home phone (not that important), cable tv, and internet! seriously, it stressed me out to no end. i couldn't get into my classroom in the evenings and even had to stay at work until 9 pm on wednesday just to get a paper written. ridiculous!

i'm back in the game now (for good, i hope) and back to sharing my inane thoughts with my four readers (hello!).

in other news, the cold weather is kind of lovely. it's been rather brisk the last few mornings, but i welcome the temporary disappearance of the swelter and the pulling out of sweaters and woolies. plus, christmastime is coming soon!

before that, though, i have so much work to do (as usual) and much sleep and reading to catch up on. the election is a mere four days away and a week from now—barring no insane hanging-chad-type 'incidents'—we will know our fate for the next four years. regardless of outcome (although it's seeming pretty likely that obama will take it), this is a historic election and one that would seem to indicate our nation is slowly moving in the right direction as far as determining one's qualification for positions of import using more than the amount of pigment in his or her skin. don't get me wrong: we have miles and miles to go in order to put bigotry and hate behind us (and perhaps we never will), but there is hope in that regard.

whether you are republican or democrat, liberal, conservative, or somewhere in between, i hope for all of us that in the coming year, we can care a bit more about the person to our left or to our right; outstretch our hearts and work for justice for anyone being oppressed; dig deeper to meet the needs of people who are without; and seek to understand more than to be understood. this isn't lip service. it's real living with the goal of love in mind. and without it, what do we have to show at the end of the day except a paycheck and another 'thing' to acquire?

while i have been slightly panicked about the state of affairs in our country and in the world at large, i realized once again tonight that the way through our collective fears isn't from the 'right' outcome on november 4. instead, we must strive to elect ourselves to be the change we want to see in this world. so, be assured that i will be voting on tuesday. i'll be voting for all of us. every single one. every single day.

le samedi matin

i love saturday mornings like this....sleeping in, nowhere to be for hours and hours, and a bevy of cooking shows on the dvr just waiting for me. my finance class is over as of tomorrow; i just have one final assignment to knock out before then, and though it's worth a sizeable chunk of my grade, it's one that i always do well on (kind of a 'how is this program contributing to your personal and professional growth' essay). now that the sleep has been fully shaken from my eyes, i'm planning something eggy, cheesy, and fruity for breakfast (not all in one dish, mind you) and then a long, lovely shower to restore me to some sense of normalcy (and to calm down my freshly cut hair, which, when i woke up, was standing on end).

and i'm happy to report to the world that the light chemical burns on my legs from yesterday's hair-removal incident seem to be subsiding! yeah. please don't even ask.

anyway, tonight i'll go hang out with some friends for a game night. hors d'oeuvres, taboo, and friends: i implore you to tell me how that can be anything other than rousing fun! tomorrow is brunch with salimah and 'the secret life of bees.' can't wait.

now then, giada de laurentiis and tyler florence are waiting for me. passez un bon week-end!

wilson phillips sure did know what they were talking about when they said 'hold on for one more day'

i'm having one of those days where i sincerely wish my grad school experience were over. it's not that this week has been particularly harrowing (it hasn't)—more that i'm dreading the start of another class on monday and the realization that i have to gear myself up to deal with another prof and another group of potentially unknown fellow students. i know that i'm in the home stretch, and i know that at the end of this road there is a piece of paper with my name on it, a bit of recognition, and a raft of student loans to repay. go, me!

but along with this understanding is the more obvious fact that i'm not there yet. and oh, how i wish i were. oh, how i wish i could come home after work without thinking about all the stuff i have to do tonight...tomorrow....this weekend. what would i do with myself if i had time to read a book? for leisure!?

i will know this answer soon enough. not long after i turn 34, i will be done this program. i'm sure that the next 8 months will fly by and the next time i think of it, it'll be summertime and then...finito.

but is it okay in the meantime to tell you that i'm TIRED? and more importantly, that i'm TIRED of being TIRED? i hope it's okay, internets, because i'm saying it. and i mean it. i really, really mean it.

as soon as i hit 'publish post,' i'm going to go and turn on the heat (fall is decidedly here for reals this time), put on some comfy clothes, sit under a fleece blanket, and read a cookbook (or at least page through it and ponder the possibilities) while watching something mindless on tv. i've earned it today; i won't be doing any homework, and i feel unbelievably okay about that. and someday i won't have to justify anything one way or another. but i'm sure tonight you'll forgive me if i don't let myself think of such craziness just yet. it's a thursday and it's only october 23.

july, please come soon.

pressure

my right eye may pop out of my head right now....seriously. the pressure in my sinuses is making me very unhappy and, consequently, i feel that i need to go lie down.

before i do, however, please allow me to say that i am so freaking tired of this election. i've tried to avoid writing about it in this space, because emotions are running very high and, frankly, what i think and who i'm voting for isn't really what i want to be discussing with the world at large. let me just say this: i'm legitimately scared that things are not going to get better anytime soon. i worry primarily about matters of economics, although every other issue (it seems) is closely related to and affected by our fiscal fitness (or lack thereof). either way, blech. that is my assessment in a nutshell.

now then, before my brain follows suit with my right eyeball, i am going to bed. tonight i am comforted by very little (in truth, the ibuprofen i took hasn't touched this pain) except this quote by our sixth president, john quincy adams: "always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost." i'm banking on that one....

stuff i really should pay attention to just now but can't seem to force myself to care about

the flip-flops and pink slippers on my living room floor
the receipts (need to go through them) on my coffee table
the gaZILLION magazines in the basket in the corner of my living room (please, if someone wants back issues of real simple, domino, and the like, please get in touch!)
the boxes in the other corner that once held treasures arriving from afar (but now need the dumpster)
the DVDs i took on vacation and haven't filed back in the alphabetized collection
the unfolded fleece blanket (needing folding) on the chair
the shirt i wore to work yesterday, draped over the fleece blanket
the unopened mail on the end table

actually, i'm going to stop there. this is making my place sound abysmal. it's not, really...it's just untidy.

BUT before i can concern myself with the likes of ALL that, i have a business plan to finish, dinner to make, and did i mention i'm sleepy just now?

ugh.

keep plugging away, sarah. there are miles to go before we sleep tonight.

'mawwidge is what bwings us togevah today....'

in just a couple of hours, my dear friend melly will be getting hitched and i, along with salimah and my friend ness, will get to witness the whole event. seriously, i couldn't be more thrilled. i am also rather happy that i will be wearing my fun new brown jacket to the event (that is decidedly autumnal, with red flowers and lovely lush green leaves and other bits) with some caramel-colored sueded (not suede...just sueded/brushed cotton) pants, a red button-down dress shirt, and my usual chocolate brown crocs (the only shoe for people who can't really wear shoes other than athletic wear). i also got my nails freshly done last night, so now i at least look halfway put together. oh, and my hair is still looking a bit cute, not yet having grown out to the point of being utterly shmate.

anyhoo, i'm sure i'll have all kinds of philosophical reflections (as i often do when witnessing two adorable people getting mawweeeed), but for now i'm just happy. about all of it. and it's a beautiful day for two people in wuv. twoo wuv.