sloth

i'm really bored right now. really bored and in no way wanting to DO anything resembling chores, laundry, anything. i'm not down; i'm just unmotivated. clearly sometimes one needs a bit of an incentive.

clearly, for me, this is one of those times....

also, as a separate - but not unrelated - note, my stomach's feeling icky, so that renders me not feeling like cooking either. what i DID do today was watch cooking shows and a movie. what i'm planning on doing for the rest of the evening is editing. whoopee.

tomorrow, i'm getting up early. i cannot have another day of this kind of lethargy. it makes me tired.

do-over

okay, so apparently the guy who invented the ctrl-alt-delete function is retiring from his job at IBM. see, why couldn't i have been the person to think up that clever little idea?

i'll tell you what concept i DID come up with a few years ago - cake (or bread) pan-sized liners. you know - like a cupcake paper (or foil) liner, except for an entire pan? someone told me later, however, that someone ELSE had already invented it. poo.

i'm serious when i tell you that i have at least one million-dollar idea a week. obviously, i checked the wrong box on the day we chose jobs. i should have filled in the one marked 'millionaire GEE-KNEE-US' (feel the drama) instead of 'underpaid editorial flunky.'

oh well.....

swiss miss (for salimah, who will know what i'm saying)

question: could the trees be any more beautiful with their icy coating? doubt it.

it's cold in here. but i really can't complain, because it's my own fault. i've got my blinds open so i can see the snow outside, and the window in front of my desk is a bit leaky.

i'm also very hungry. i haven't eaten yet today. i was going to make meatballs last night, but i wound up taking an accidental nap and it threw off my cooking energy. i'll try again today. i want something hearty.

in the mean time, however, i'm thinking cocoa and a 50-cent chicken pot pie, not necessarily in that particular order.

home alone....

because i know you were wondering, it's foggy and cold in venice right now.....

and outside my window are snow-flecked trees. they have not plowed my street. this shocks me in no way. tonight we're supposed to get freezing rain, with more snow to follow. i feel thankful that i brought work home with me this weekend - just in case.

last night, i roasted a couple of small red potatoes (whole) with olive oil, kosher salt, and cracked black pepper. sauteed some baby peas in a bit of butter. baked a pre-stuffed (with mango/cranberry chutney) chicken breast alongside the potatoes. nothing complicated in the least, and yet every bite of it was delicious. about halfway through my little feast, i realized that perhaps the flavor of the food was complemented by the fact that i was eating it all alone, while watching the golden globes on a sunday evening, in my tucked-away apartment (which is decidedly tidy), wrapped up in an old laura ashley comforter (very warm), with eddie bauer wool socks warming my toes. it was lovely. and cozy. and comfy. and all mine. not in a selfish way, but more in one of those what-a-delicious-moment-that-no-one-knows-about-except-me-and-God-kind of ways.

i love being with other people. love to talk and listen and share and experience alongside another. but now, halfway to 29, i am realizing that i also really like being alone. there is something so sacred about the quiet, something so delicate about the moments of decision, something so soothing about the dark and the sleep that comes.

and what can replace watching the snow blowing outside the window, but feeling the warmth inside where all is at peace and calm? and no, not just in the room. deeper inside. in there, where Life and Hope reside.

it is home.

transformation

i'm formulating a redesign....

here's something i love:

taking a long, hot shower at night, wrapping up in a big fluffy towel and sitting at my desk to air dry while i IM and blog....feeling all my muscles relax after being pummeled by a hundred hot liquid jets and smelling my skin, clean and fresh. all i need now is some lotion, pjs, and a pillow to call my own.

thankfully, i've got about 6:)

weary

well, no bronchial illness (see post below) has darkened my door, but even after a weekend of relative rest, i feel more tired than ever. at this point, i am fairly certain that i have some type of virus. there is no other explanation for the weariness i feel. it is not emotional; it is not spiritual. it is, however, sapping all of my energy for either of those areas of my life.

every work day for the last 6+ months, i have put in my time, because the threat of not making my daily wage has crouched at the corner of my mind. i cannot afford to make less than what i make, and so, sick or not, i drag myself out of bed and do what i need to do. i know that i must not be feeling well, because even the threat of losing a few hundred dollars is not enough to pull me into line and into focus enough to feel like i can go to work tomorrow. sure, maybe another night's rest will do the trick and i will be back in the saddle again. one can only hope. otherwise, it's bye-bye moula, hello pillow.....for reals, yo.

i slept fitfully last night. or at least i feel like i did. i have several memories of turning over and feeling all the congestion run from one side of my head to the other. i also remember pulling the hood of my sweatshirt (in which i now sleep every night in order to keep my ears and head warm) back on after it had slipped off. i had strange dreams and when i finally emerged from my shroud at 10:30 this morning, it took me several moments to stop moaning and get out of bed. i felt sore and beaten up, not what you would call well rested.

i am now sitting at my desk waiting for two friends to arrive from gaithersburg so that we can have lunch and hang out a bit before one of them moves all the way across the country (i'll miss you, noms) this coming week. after that, i have to do some work and then i will be spending time chilling with michael, during which time we will most assuredly watch some DVDs. i need a movie fix right about now....

tomorrow, i will spend some time doing work and will then hang out with the illustrious sammie joy. we will hit the BJs for some wholesale goodies and then stir up some kind of cheap adventure, which, i hope, will involve some hors-d'oeuvres and cocktails.

i'm glad for all of it, and yet, if i'm being honest, right now i wish i could climb back into bed and sleep away my tiredness, which has settled deep into my bones and is threatening to turn the corner to something worse. i'm nearly 30; i cannot be crapping around with exhaustion and allow myself to teeter on the edge of some life-altering bronchial illness.

rest.

whatever else comes, i need rest.

how excited am i? part deux....

because today i got 5 (one is a double) CDs in the mail! i had fulfilled my 'buy one' requirement for BMG and had failed to cash in on my freebies, so i went to the website the same day i was ordering the dvds below and got myself the following:

india arie: voyage to india
lizz wright: salt (recommended by salimah)
cross movement: holy culture
brian mcknight: u-turn
rich mullins: here in america (2CD - includes bonus DVD with rehearsal, concert, etc. footage. VERY excited about this one)

basically, i will be embarrassed to publish my list of books when they arrive. there are 15 (yikes!) of those. i am seriously digging the new music vibe. perhaps i'll actually stay awake at work tomorrow, even though it's nearly midnight and i'm in no way getting the sleep i need tonight....

also, another 2 recent additions, via salimah's christmas generosity, and to which i have been jamming out at work:

anthony hamilton: comin from where i'm from
alicia keys: the diary of alicia keys

you MUST check these two out. MUST. because if you're like me, you GOTSta have tha FUNK!

okay, i'm clearly delirious. g'night all....

how excited am i? i just got 7 (yes, 7) new DVDs since i signed up for columbia house's dvd club. of course, they're in no way costing me any kind of real money - hence the reason i got them:) here is my list, in case you were wondering:

how to lose a guy in 10 days
about a boy
anger management
mr. deeds
a beautiful mind
american beauty
cinema paradiso

*sigh* i love that last one:)

between those and the super-duper discounted books i bought this weekend from cbd, i should be set for quite awhile.....i may be giving up cable, so i need something to entertain for those moments when cleaning just isn't that interesting to me....which would be, basically, all the time.

illuminating medusa

i got two lamps for Christmas this year. one is a pole with places for three bulbs on it, covered by a long, straight, columnar paper shade (that you can adjust to be crinkly or straightened out. very muted light, i'm guessing.

the other lamp has 5 heads that bend and will, therefore, point anywhere you need them. lots of light, multi-directional, in no way muted, i'm guessing.

of course, i wouldn't really KNOW, considering the fact that i have yet to drag my lazy butt to the store to pick up the special bulbs they both require. so until then, it's light in theory.

dear God,

i know that if You are for me, who can be against me? please help me to remember that right now, i pray.....

classic

today i got spam from the sender named 'vomit p. enthronements.' i was far too amused to even bother opening it. i am certain it was inappropriate and in no way necessary for me to see. but whatever. it entertained me for a good 30 minutes.

in other news, i love cracking my right ankle. it is like freedom to me.

and also, there is a darty-eyed man at work who is clearly a compulsive liar. the drama.

no one should be attempting to kid anyone at this point, fyi.

elves can be dreamy....

i just got back from seeing 'return of the king.' man....what an overwhelming story. i am so thankful that i got to see all three of the movies in the theatre. the television just does not capture well a film of that magnitude. i will admit this, though: i wished it had been a bit shorter. one hour in, i already had to go to the bathroom, and it wound up being about 3 hours long. needless to say, i booked it out of there as SOON as the credits started to roll:).

but what a relief to have the story wrapped up. i do like an occasional tidy ending;)

my plans for the rest of the evening include making dinner and chilling out before an early bedtime. morning comes far too soon on mondays....

all things new -- psalm 127:1

i rang in the new year with michael. it seemed appropriate, really, to spend that night with him. we supped on chicken tikka masala with raisins and almonds over brown rice, took a nap mid-evening, and watched dvds all night, stopping occasionally to talk or bake cookies. he slept over in my guest room so that i didn't have to drive him home late (his car has been in the shop since Christmas) and this morning, we had homemade belgian waffles, bacon, and juice for brunch before i drove him back into the city.

and now that i'm back in the silence of my apartment (i love this), i'm looking ahead to the year with a lot of hope in my heart....but not hope in any person, circumstance, or thing....hope because i know that God is IN my life, in all the details, in every moment, in my messes and my triumphs. He has been working all this time, in the complex and multi-faceted unfolding of my story. i know that wherever i land, with whomever i spend my time, i am taken care of. i am safe and secure.

at the end of last year, i remember praying, God, please let this year bring change....something new. i cannot take another 365 days of breathing with this much of an ache in my heart.

my life continues to testify to the answering of that prayer. let's recap:

God lifted me out of a completely life-halting depression, led me into a job almost unceremoniously and yet just at the right time, provided for my finances in such a way that i could move out on my own, gave me a beautiful apartment in a nice, convenient area with more than enough space to spread out and breathe, allowed me to take a stand and set clear and healthy boundaries in all of my relationships, and healed my heart of SO much hurt and shame. i am a changed woman as i sit here today. changed forever. by Him and for Him.

and now i have begun a new project for a new year: i am preparing a home. and i do not just mean a physical location. it is the opening of my heart, the awaiting that which is coming, the ushering in of joy.

i am the home.

not a pretty sight

if ever given the option to pick your punishment, please - i beg of you - do not choose chinese water torture. believe me, if you could see the bar of soap in my shower after a day of sitting under a lightly dripping faucet, you would agree wholeheartedly.

in case anyone wants to know, it is currently raining and 45 degrees in venice. yes, i do mean italy.

my Christmas was great - thanks for asking:). very relaxed and with lots of cooking and being with people i love and opening presents. and Christmas eve, i went to a late church service with salimah and her sister. i will say this: it was lovely. i wished it had been more, but it was nice, even still....

so the work week began without much excitement. i had a meeting this morning at 11 that i was sure would end with me getting smacked by this drama queen-esque person in my office, but it didn't happen. honestly, it might have been kind of exciting, though, you know? i mean, who ever thinks that they're gonna get beaten up over some music curriculum?!

okay, and in other news, campbell's chunky grilled chicken with veggies and pasta soup is not so good. i have an announcement to make: no one - and i mean NO ONE - needs to be putting bell peppers in soup, people! make a note of this, please.

thank you for your time and attention:)

in the bleak midwinter**

i'm sitting here at work trying (not very hard, i might add) to pretend that i'm getting something accomplished. it makes no actual sense for anyone to be here; everyone's basically milling around and munching on snacks that are lying about in the kitchenette.

but that's not what i really want to say....

on the way to work this morning, i was driving in the rain and fog and darkness and it struck me: if this were the time of Christ's birth, He could arrive at any moment, in any of these middle-class suburban homes, without effect, and no one would be any the wiser. Christ could have come in any year, in any culture, for any reason. but it was God's timing that He arrive that day, and for something so seemingly 'insignificant,' a lot of people still took notice of his coming. a lot of people STILL take notice.

and then my mind wandered to those shepherds in the fields, to whom the angel of the Lord appeared. i can only imagine their anxious minds as they made their way through the dark on the way to Bethlehem, their hearts swelling with hope against hope that the Messiah had really come. i wonder how many of them questioned, hesitated, turned back, even, out of doubt. but to the ones who went, what a beautiful and mysterious sight it must have been: God, becoming man. peace and love and joy and hope all wrapped up in that one tiny child.

those people must have been in awe, must have wondered what to do, what to say, what to think. to see the Lord is an experience that changes even the most doubting and hardest of hearts. i am certain that those visitors left that stable different than when they arrived.

and perhaps they made their way back to where they lived and maybe when they were alone with their thoughts, they hoped that there might be another time when they would get to catch a glimpse of that face.

i am certainly not a shepherd. no angel appeared to me one fateful night....but, i have encountered the Lord. i have felt and known His Spirit and His love for me. i have bowed down in worship and i have raised hands to heaven, giving thanks for the gift that the Lord gave me through Jesus Christ - eternal reconciliation with God, my Father, the joy of my heart.

and this morning, my heart pounded with expectation for that day when i will truly see Him. and as i drove into the approaching morning, i felt the Holy Spirit stirring inside me, the prayer rising in my throat:

come soon, Lord Jesus. come soon.

merry Christmas, everyone. may you be touched by the miracle of His coming....


in the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
in the bleak midwinter, long ago.

our God, heaven cannot hold Him, nor earth sustain;
heaven and earth shall flee away when He comes to reign.
in the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed
the Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

enough for Him, Whom cherubim, worship night and day,
breastful of milk, and a mangerful of hay;
enough for Him, Whom angels fall before,
the ox and ass and camel which adore.

angels and archangels may have gathered there,
cherubim and seraphim thronged the air;
but His mother only, in her maiden bliss,
worshipped the beloved with a kiss.

what can i give Him, poor as i am?
if i were a shepherd, i would bring a lamb;
if i were a wise man, i would do my part;
yet what i can i give Him: give my heart.


**by Christina Rosetti, 1872

i have a question....

WHO was it that decided to put that whole bit about 'figgy pudding' in the song we wish you a merry Christmas?

i mean - what kind of audacity is it that announces 'we WON'T go until we've got some...so bring some right(/out) here!'?

am i the only one amused by this???

newsflash:

i am a total sap. i actually teared up at the end of finding nemo. then later on, i caught the tail end of the preacher's wife and practically bawled during the singing at the end. what is wrong with me?!

on a more newsy note, i finished all my gift wrapping tonight. and please let me say: it was no small feat. i am relieved to have that off my shoulders. tomorrow evening, i am scheduled to go to the grocery store with salimah to pick up the last of the food i need for my Christmas dinner. i'm also going to barnes and noble to return a book that a friend gave me for Christmas, because i discovered, much to my chagrin, that salimah had purchased said book (and written in her copy) for me for Christmas this year. so basically, it's all about me not only getting a cookbook that i REALLY wanted, but another one to add to my collection....who am i to complain?:)

tomorrow for lunch, catchka will be coming to work to hang out with me, salimah, and cat's sister. we shall have whole foods and presents and much laughter....and we have the whole conference room reserved (so there!). i am looking forward to a relatively low-key work week of much goofing off and most people being on vacation.

Christmas is coming, people....only 4 more days:)! i'm actually going to try to hold it together until then....no more sobbing over cartoons!