electoral

the last four days have been rough for me. i was completely without cable services: home phone (not that important), cable tv, and internet! seriously, it stressed me out to no end. i couldn't get into my classroom in the evenings and even had to stay at work until 9 pm on wednesday just to get a paper written. ridiculous!

i'm back in the game now (for good, i hope) and back to sharing my inane thoughts with my four readers (hello!).

in other news, the cold weather is kind of lovely. it's been rather brisk the last few mornings, but i welcome the temporary disappearance of the swelter and the pulling out of sweaters and woolies. plus, christmastime is coming soon!

before that, though, i have so much work to do (as usual) and much sleep and reading to catch up on. the election is a mere four days away and a week from now—barring no insane hanging-chad-type 'incidents'—we will know our fate for the next four years. regardless of outcome (although it's seeming pretty likely that obama will take it), this is a historic election and one that would seem to indicate our nation is slowly moving in the right direction as far as determining one's qualification for positions of import using more than the amount of pigment in his or her skin. don't get me wrong: we have miles and miles to go in order to put bigotry and hate behind us (and perhaps we never will), but there is hope in that regard.

whether you are republican or democrat, liberal, conservative, or somewhere in between, i hope for all of us that in the coming year, we can care a bit more about the person to our left or to our right; outstretch our hearts and work for justice for anyone being oppressed; dig deeper to meet the needs of people who are without; and seek to understand more than to be understood. this isn't lip service. it's real living with the goal of love in mind. and without it, what do we have to show at the end of the day except a paycheck and another 'thing' to acquire?

while i have been slightly panicked about the state of affairs in our country and in the world at large, i realized once again tonight that the way through our collective fears isn't from the 'right' outcome on november 4. instead, we must strive to elect ourselves to be the change we want to see in this world. so, be assured that i will be voting on tuesday. i'll be voting for all of us. every single one. every single day.

le samedi matin

i love saturday mornings like this....sleeping in, nowhere to be for hours and hours, and a bevy of cooking shows on the dvr just waiting for me. my finance class is over as of tomorrow; i just have one final assignment to knock out before then, and though it's worth a sizeable chunk of my grade, it's one that i always do well on (kind of a 'how is this program contributing to your personal and professional growth' essay). now that the sleep has been fully shaken from my eyes, i'm planning something eggy, cheesy, and fruity for breakfast (not all in one dish, mind you) and then a long, lovely shower to restore me to some sense of normalcy (and to calm down my freshly cut hair, which, when i woke up, was standing on end).

and i'm happy to report to the world that the light chemical burns on my legs from yesterday's hair-removal incident seem to be subsiding! yeah. please don't even ask.

anyway, tonight i'll go hang out with some friends for a game night. hors d'oeuvres, taboo, and friends: i implore you to tell me how that can be anything other than rousing fun! tomorrow is brunch with salimah and 'the secret life of bees.' can't wait.

now then, giada de laurentiis and tyler florence are waiting for me. passez un bon week-end!

wilson phillips sure did know what they were talking about when they said 'hold on for one more day'

i'm having one of those days where i sincerely wish my grad school experience were over. it's not that this week has been particularly harrowing (it hasn't)—more that i'm dreading the start of another class on monday and the realization that i have to gear myself up to deal with another prof and another group of potentially unknown fellow students. i know that i'm in the home stretch, and i know that at the end of this road there is a piece of paper with my name on it, a bit of recognition, and a raft of student loans to repay. go, me!

but along with this understanding is the more obvious fact that i'm not there yet. and oh, how i wish i were. oh, how i wish i could come home after work without thinking about all the stuff i have to do tonight...tomorrow....this weekend. what would i do with myself if i had time to read a book? for leisure!?

i will know this answer soon enough. not long after i turn 34, i will be done this program. i'm sure that the next 8 months will fly by and the next time i think of it, it'll be summertime and then...finito.

but is it okay in the meantime to tell you that i'm TIRED? and more importantly, that i'm TIRED of being TIRED? i hope it's okay, internets, because i'm saying it. and i mean it. i really, really mean it.

as soon as i hit 'publish post,' i'm going to go and turn on the heat (fall is decidedly here for reals this time), put on some comfy clothes, sit under a fleece blanket, and read a cookbook (or at least page through it and ponder the possibilities) while watching something mindless on tv. i've earned it today; i won't be doing any homework, and i feel unbelievably okay about that. and someday i won't have to justify anything one way or another. but i'm sure tonight you'll forgive me if i don't let myself think of such craziness just yet. it's a thursday and it's only october 23.

july, please come soon.

pressure

my right eye may pop out of my head right now....seriously. the pressure in my sinuses is making me very unhappy and, consequently, i feel that i need to go lie down.

before i do, however, please allow me to say that i am so freaking tired of this election. i've tried to avoid writing about it in this space, because emotions are running very high and, frankly, what i think and who i'm voting for isn't really what i want to be discussing with the world at large. let me just say this: i'm legitimately scared that things are not going to get better anytime soon. i worry primarily about matters of economics, although every other issue (it seems) is closely related to and affected by our fiscal fitness (or lack thereof). either way, blech. that is my assessment in a nutshell.

now then, before my brain follows suit with my right eyeball, i am going to bed. tonight i am comforted by very little (in truth, the ibuprofen i took hasn't touched this pain) except this quote by our sixth president, john quincy adams: "always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost." i'm banking on that one....

stuff i really should pay attention to just now but can't seem to force myself to care about

the flip-flops and pink slippers on my living room floor
the receipts (need to go through them) on my coffee table
the gaZILLION magazines in the basket in the corner of my living room (please, if someone wants back issues of real simple, domino, and the like, please get in touch!)
the boxes in the other corner that once held treasures arriving from afar (but now need the dumpster)
the DVDs i took on vacation and haven't filed back in the alphabetized collection
the unfolded fleece blanket (needing folding) on the chair
the shirt i wore to work yesterday, draped over the fleece blanket
the unopened mail on the end table

actually, i'm going to stop there. this is making my place sound abysmal. it's not, really...it's just untidy.

BUT before i can concern myself with the likes of ALL that, i have a business plan to finish, dinner to make, and did i mention i'm sleepy just now?

ugh.

keep plugging away, sarah. there are miles to go before we sleep tonight.

'mawwidge is what bwings us togevah today....'

in just a couple of hours, my dear friend melly will be getting hitched and i, along with salimah and my friend ness, will get to witness the whole event. seriously, i couldn't be more thrilled. i am also rather happy that i will be wearing my fun new brown jacket to the event (that is decidedly autumnal, with red flowers and lovely lush green leaves and other bits) with some caramel-colored sueded (not suede...just sueded/brushed cotton) pants, a red button-down dress shirt, and my usual chocolate brown crocs (the only shoe for people who can't really wear shoes other than athletic wear). i also got my nails freshly done last night, so now i at least look halfway put together. oh, and my hair is still looking a bit cute, not yet having grown out to the point of being utterly shmate.

anyhoo, i'm sure i'll have all kinds of philosophical reflections (as i often do when witnessing two adorable people getting mawweeeed), but for now i'm just happy. about all of it. and it's a beautiful day for two people in wuv. twoo wuv.

el stink-o-rama

due to some ongoing water damage in my apartment (ceilings), i had to have some painters come out this afternoon to cover the spots. little did i know, however, that the gentlemen who would arrive at my place would take it upon themselves to practically repaint my bedroom closet and an entire corner of my living room. as a result (and because they didn't show up until after 3 pm), my apartment SMELLS like something fierce. i'm telling you - it's giving me the vapors!! anyone who knows me knows how sensitive i am to smells as it is - let alone el turpentino. sorry. i think i'm feeling like i can speak some pseudo spanish just now. again - THE VAPORS!

hopefully by the time the pres. debate is on tonight, things will have settled down a bit...or perhaps by then i will be completely high on paint fumes and too woozy to care. either way - all good! el yes!

at the end of this road....

there's a chill in the air and i'm hunkering under blankets. fall has begun her yearly introduction and while i'm not yet quite ready for chilled-to-the-bones mornings, i am in need of the rich beauty and calm that only autumn can bring me. i'm not going to wax poetic about apples and fires and falling leaves tonight, though. what i'm experiencing can only be fixed with a journey that leads me somewhere i've never been. i need an open road tonight, lots of music, stars in the sky, and a river at the end of it all where i can sit in the dark and listen as it laps the shore. i want the time and space for all these words to pour out of me. God, how they ache to run from my fingers and drip from my hair (what's left of it these days).

do you understand me, internets? do you even know what it is i'm talking about? probably not....maybe it's just me here in this place of desperation and hope. maybe i'm the only one trembling like that red maple leaf, in all her glory, about to take the final plunge. it is fall. i have fallen. i am laid bare and in no way pretending otherwise. before winter comes with her burying snows and gray days, let it be known that i am still alive inside this place, still trying to keep the home fires burning, still hoping for more, still knowing that the river is there, waiting for me. and when i do go there...some day...you can rest assured that i'm not looking back.

tag! you're it!

since my dear friend kim tagged me, i will accept her challenge. the deal is that i'm supposed to blog about 6 quirky or little-known facts about me. hmm...quirky. this shouldn't be super hard. so, out of my grab bag of weirdisms, i present you with the following list:

1. i'm not super well read. people find this incredibly hard to believe about me, since i have a fairly decent vocabulary and am a writer and editor and lover of all things 'word.' but really, it's true. i haven't read that much in the way of famous literature. in fact, i haven't read that much in the way of non-famous literature either. i consider this one of my great failures, if ever there were such a thing. i can trace its origins back to the first time someone forced me to read a book against my will and then conducted the most inane discussions about it afterward. it was high school...9th grade, i think. after that, something inside me that once had loved to read simply shut down, closed itself off. i became a rebel, hardly ever finishing a book assigned to me - except for the precious few that were so good, i finished them almost in spite of myself ('fahrenheit 451', 'the once and future king,' and a few others). in recent years, i've tried to allow myself to rediscover the reader inside of me, but with jobs that have involved nothing but reading and then my admittance into grad school, that goal has been put on the back burner for now. some day, i will return to you, literature. i promise.

2. i own both barry manilow and jay-z albums and am unashamed of both. i don't think it's nearly as socially acceptable to spin barry these days; however, i can't help it. he writes the songs that make the whole world sing, people! and besides, once i finish belting out 'weekend in new england' (tear jerker!), i can 'justify my thug' with my man jay. and believe me - i'm all gangsta underneath this suburban exterior ;).

3. i am a HUGE sap. i don't let much of the world see this about me, but i am deeply affected by the smallest things sometimes - the way people look at each other, a particularly moving commercial, a little kid wearing glasses, one perfectly executed note in a song....good grief. hallmark should hire me.

4. i collect cookbooks but don't really use them. yes, i'm a foodie. yes, i love to cook. yes, i also love to read recipes. but do i use them? not much. only for certain baking where you have to be very precise with measurements do i pull out the instructions. otherwise, the whole recipe thing is more for inspiration than anything else. oh, and my current collection is in the neighborhood of 200 to 250, i would imagine. i haven't counted in awhile. i particularly love when i find something completely fun in a used bookstore. it's like treasure hunting! (n.b.: i also apparently collect stationery - considering how much of it i own - but in no way use that either. anyone need some snail mail?)

5. i talk to myself. a lot. this in and of itself shouldn't sound all that shocking (especially since i live alone), but when you combine it with the fact that i not only talk to myself but sometimes ANSWER myself as well, it can get a little concerning sometimes. i will make lists and give myself lectures and ask and answer questions - all out loud. i'm perfectly aware that i'm doing it, you see. sometimes i'm the best one to tell myself what i need to hear, and apparently i have no problem doing it - whether at home or at a traffic light.

6. for all of the dreams i have of one day owning my own food-related business, i am more and more fully convinced that at some point in the future, i am going to write a book. there's been a novel brewing inside of me for about 10 years and in those quiet moments when all else fades away, it's there, just waiting to be written. perhaps when i finish this master's degree, i'll reward myself with a writing vacation or something.

so, there you have it. nothing too shocking or appalling, i guess. i hereby tag salimah, cat, lynn, kim b., holly, adam, and jenn, if y'all are up to the challenge!

marked for life

on sunday night i managed to burn a crescent moon into my hand on the inside of my toaster oven that was heated up to a balmy 450 degrees. since then, day by day, i have watched my skin try its best to regain some composure as the mark has turned from a harsh, blistery pink to a patchy, deepening mauve, not unlike a shade of lipstick i currently own, i might add. i feel fairly certain that within another week, it will have faded even more, and yet with what i know about my skin, i am certain that i will see evidence of that slip for years to come (if not forever). perhaps it is my life's way of reminding me that it's hard to move on from certain events entirely unscathed.

but the marks are also a reminder that you can heal, you can move past pain, you can watch as your resilient self attacks a problem area and does a valiant job dealing with all the ramifications so that you can get on with your life.

i am certain that if you could open up my soul, you would find hundreds of crescent moons—some tiny, some long and dramatically arched. but i can say without hesitation that there is no blistering reality in my life at this time...no pain that prevents me from moving freely from one situation to the next...no limitation on what i can do or be or feel. there are marks there, to be sure, but they are the lipstick smudges of my past, a laundry list of all that i have overcome. they are the marks that remind me on a daily basis: sarah, you're stronger than all of this....

where was i again?

okay, so now that i'm back in my 'real life,' i have an announcement: i need another vacation. a longer one. perhaps permanent this time.

as is often the case when you go away, your life continues to pile up right where you left it and gives you no mercy from the deluge upon your return. i am, quite frankly, swamped with projects, e-mails, issues and a girl can't always take it. sure, i've had a week away, but see, i let myself breathe a little during that time and i was hoping to keep breathing even now.

oh well.

the good news is that i'm apparently moving forward and kicking butt even though i feel like i'm drowning half the time. if that's not grace, then i don't know what is.

and tomorrow is wednesday, the day of the hump. it might be a small silver lining, but i'll take it. at this point, i'd be a fool not to.

apparently you CAN go back home again....

technically it is saturday in the wee small hours of the morning, and in about 10 more of those hours, i will leave this lovely home of mine for the last week and head back to the place that feels like 'real' home to me these days. if my calculations were correct, i will come back to a newly cleaned apartment with clothes that are already washed and most of the week's homework already under my belt. then i will go about the business of unpacking, finding homes for all the fun new things i bought here (oy, my wallet may rebel against me!), and restocking my fridge with healthy foods that don't contain nearly the level of carbs, fat, or calories that i ingested over the last week of my life (cocktail hour at 11:30 a.m.? i'm on vacation!).

this has been a fantastic week away. the one major downside has been that on the very same day that my parents arrived, so did torrential rain and gale-force winds that pretty much meant no outside enjoyment for the better part of the last 48 hours. today was muggy but at least not raining, so that meant one last shopping trip for me and salimah (my parents had taken the cape may-lewes ferry over to NJ to visit my uncle who is in failing health) and then a lovely dinner out with the 'rents at the pig and fish in town. great, great meal.

during much of the afternoon today, salimah and i hung out at home while i did laundry and we packed most of our stuff (old and new) into my now VERY full car (i'm still not sure it's all really going to fit in the morning) so that we have very little to do except get up, shower, and dress before locking the door and heading out.

i will miss rehoboth and really, i hope to come back again before too long. it's a rather pleasant drive down here, replete with roadside stands (the tomatoes were DIVINE) and open fields. everything in this town is charming; the people are friendly; the ocean is RIGHT THERE; and there's no tax on the shopping. people, do you hear me on that last one?!

mostly, it's been beautiful to have no constraints on my time (or my brain) and very little else to think about except when the next cocktail hour is, what lovely thing we shall have for our next meal, whether or not to watch this movie or that, and how to cozy myself into the soft leather couch in the living room for the next nap of the day:).

once i return to crabcake corners, i shall post photos. for now, however, i'm going to enjoy my last sleep in a huge bed, in a quiet house where three other people i adore are also sleeping away the cares of the world.

oh, ocean air, i shall miss you the most....

goodnight.

the halfway mark

it is now wednesday...halfway to the end of our vacation, and i cannot say enough good things about being here in rehoboth. the town is charming, the people are friendly, the beaches are clean and wind-swept, the food is delicious (most of it, anyway), and the night air is invigorating. in general, i sleep soundly and wake up ready for more adventure and the seeing of new sights.

to recap, here is a brief rundown of the events so far:

• late-night movie watching
• several meals out (including one last night at this restaurant, the fat tuna, which has fantastic food and a sushi dinner at the cultured pearl two nights ago that was some of the best i've had)
• getting attacked by a wave that left the lower 2/3 of my long skirt soaked (thankfully the beach wind is a quick dryer)
• gambling away nearly 60 bucks of my money in various slot machines at dover downs (blackjack really IS my game, though) surrounded by lots of older folks and shiftless looking dudes who, i suspect, were trying to make money off of their disability or unemployment checks.
• listening to some loud-mouthed man yammer on and ON and ON (and on....) at the not-that-great mexican place in town while we drank cheap rail margaritas and a fake sangria with lunch
• me getting rather intoxicated off of what turned out to be nearly 2/3 of a bottle of cabernet and then apparently later crying about how salimah is, in fact, my best friend before passing out in bed. good grief. i'm really not sure how i got all the way up to the fourth floor to bed. i was later informed that i also stopped a few times along the way to take pictures.
• my first trip to ocean shitty city to eat dumser's ice cream (coconut chocolate chip) and get marauded by hovering seagulls (all while fighting indigestion from the night before's indiscretions with the aforementioned red wine)
• salimah and i misreading most of the roadside signage as we drive from place to place (a restaurant in OC called 'bayside skillet' became 'bayside killer')
• eating THE most perfect breakfast on tuesday morning that i made us (seared steaks; an egg scramble with green onions, portabellas, and cheddar; buttery english muffins; and strawberries)
• dropping some bank on coach purses (SALE!) and new underwear (outlets!)
• the sand in my shoes, the wind in my hair, and the kind of tired that comes only from being near the sea with no schedules, no deadlines, and only our whims to lead us from one place to the next

my parents have now arrived and the rain is coming, so stay tuned for further adventures!

respite

finally, my long-awaited vacation is here. this morning i awoke in my lovely, huge bedroom on the 4th floor of a house and ambled down two floors into the kitchen where i now sit in near silence telling the internets that i heart rehoboth beach.

last night, salimah and i arrived, got settled, went for a little drive through the town to see what there was to see, had dinner at a seafood restaurant along route 1 (where we had some passable crab cakes), and then went grocery shopping to get sundries for the week (and by sundries, i mean, along with our food, 8 bottles of smart water - we are such yuppies). once arriving back home, we unpacked, made our beds, and hung out for a bit before sleep.

who knows what adventures this week will bring? i can tell you one thing, however: i am decidedly in a place where relaxation is certain to occur: leather sofas, big-screen TV with lots of DVDs, tasty treats in the fridge, soft beds for napping, and my best friend who always makes things like this worthwhile (n.b.: this woman, btw, just tried to put our 1.49-per-bottle smart water in the coffee pot; methinks the crazy followed us to our vacation...ahh, the comforts of home;) ).

wolf at the door

today was arguably one of the most difficult days of the year for a lot of people in this country (and perhaps in other parts of the world, depending on circumstance). for me, for the first time in 7 years, i spent the day trying NOT to think of planes and buildings, of falling people, of ash and smoke and rubble, of screaming and crying and wailing, of fear and terror and all that lies in the shadows.

today i chose to remember hope. hope that there might be some comfort given to those who still grieve, that someone lost might be found. hope that those who are physically suffering from diseases brought on by months working in hazardous conditions to try and find bodies or other evidence of human life...that those people might be free from their pain and limitations. hope that in quiet homes and lonely moments, tears might be dried and hearts refreshed. hope that we as a nation can pay respect to those people who have sacrificed far more than some of us will ever have to realize for ourselves.

there's a lot to hope for.

with that being said, in the back of my mind—and on the outside edge of every thought—i am ever aware that there are people (and forces) alive and well in this world that would seek destruction of hope, of freedom, of life. but today i choose to close the door on that pack of wolves and remember what is right, what is true, and what is lovely. for the good of all those who died and are hurting, today i will think on those things.

obviously....

i'm back in school. yes, i know. in this post, i said i was taking a break unless something changed. well, something did. a combination of guilt, gumption, and perhaps general stupidity set in and now i'm back in the game. i'm taking financial management this term, and i'm already feeling like i can't fully comprehend all this information. this class was supposed to be easier than accounting. what a joke. i feel like all this math is making accounting look like a cake walk. and what's worse: in addition to weekly papers and discussion postings (which are, essentially, small papers), i have the equivalent of two take-home quizzes per week. SUCKS to be me right now!

well, let's see....what else? my beloved salimah celebrated her 35th this past week. we had multiple dinners out and some general making of merry. i love a good celebration. specifically, saturday night we went to pazo for tapas. holy delicious, batman! i held my healthful eating at bay for one night and entered into the den of gastronomic sin. some of those little plates were divine! in particular, there were some light-as-air croquetas (mashed potatoes and manchego cheese rolled into balls and deep fried) that pretty much did me in. totally worth the carbs for one night;)

as is typical with sunday nights, i'm wide awake when i should be fast asleep. this should come as no shock to anyone - me included. i need groceries. i need to do laundry. i need to tidy up. these are the thoughts plaguing me just now. what i NEED to do is go lie down and think about nothing. all else can wait until the sun comes up again. goodnight, dear world.

goodnight.

all good things must come to an end....

i'm sitting here with whitening strips on my teeth, realizing that i need to get my nails filled and re-frenched asap, and paying some bills with quickly dwindling funds (my final vacation home rental payment was due this week). this morning i went to trader joe's and got a crap-ton of veggies, meat, fat-free, plain greek and european (whatever that means!) yogurts, and other protein sources for this weekend and the upcoming week. my parents are due in within the hour, and we'll probably just hang out, watch movies, and chill at the pad until tomorrow. we haven't had a visit in a couple of months and since their retirement is becoming more of a reality (my mom is actually near the end of her current career!), they're more able to take little jaunts like this one.

i've had a two-week break from school that ends on monday. honestly, it's been amazing not having anything to do, but i must admit i'm getting a little antsy to get back to it. one more year and then i'm done, people. i can't tell you how good that feels! this respite was just what i needed to feel motivated to start kicking some butt again....and believe you me, i intend to finish this how i started: strong. oh, and along with my textbooks that just arrived in the mail, i received a new texas instruments financial calculator. nerd toys! i'm so excited:)

in other news, i've been obsessively listening to two songs: at home, i loop 'hate that i love you' by rihanna and ne-yo and at work, it's all about 'no air' by jordin sparks and chris brown. not sure what this is all about, but i find this kind of repetition comforting lately.

with that being said, though, there's also no sense in getting stale or allowing the places of comfort to suck me in and hold me captive. and so, with that, i bid you—and this long and harrowing week—a fond adieu. time to change the song.

'and all the roads we have to walk are winding. and all the lights that lead the way are blinding....'

i remember a late fall/early winter afternoon while i was still living in gaithersburg, maryland. i was driving home from work in my 2000 silver jetta with the weight of the world on my shoulders and a lump in my throat that had been there for 2 days straight. as i waited at the light on georgia avenue, the sun was just beginning to set and it seemed that darkness was descending quicker than i could speed down that suburban road toward home. a few minutes later, music blaring out of my CD player, i remember turning left on norbeck road and approaching the lake as the first sobs heaved out of me, tears streaming down my face and blurring my vision. i pulled my car over to the shoulder and screamed out my sadness and anger into the approaching night, the desperation raging from somewhere deep inside of me. all that i had tried—and failed—to escape was trapped inside that roof and those four doors, stifling me.

after 45 minutes, i felt a bit lighter from the emotional purging and drove the last mile to the apartment i shared with my best friend. the light inside burned my now-red eyes. my cheeks and lips and lids were swollen and tear-stained. i felt deflated and empty and walked directly to my room to lie against my cool sheets in the dark. it was better that way.

now, 7+ years later, i sit here on a thursday night realizing that these days, i might go months without a good cry, and what often sets it off has nothing to do with those old hauntings. it has been a long journey from there to here, and the road has taken me in many different directions, with stops and side trips along the way. sometimes i haven't been able to see from the grief that clouded my vision. sometimes the darkness fell too quickly and sometimes the lights shone too brightly in my eyes. sometimes all i wanted to do was sleep and yet i kept driving, with only the hope of my destination keeping me going.

i've heard it said that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. i'm here to report that this is, quite simply, untrue. there is no straight line between then and now and no 'shortest distance' to be found when it comes to walking a crooked path filled with pain and heartache. the salvation in it all, though, is that there are those chosen few who walk beside you from time to time. there is friendship and laughter and sometimes even love to stave off the loneliness and confusion. there are maps and signs and roadside stands. there are smiles and phone calls and random chats with near strangers. there are blogs and internets and people who remind you that the possibilities for joy are greater than for sorrow.

all of these things, tangible and intangible, seem to make the crooked paths straighter somehow. these are my wonderwalls, and 'i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.' they never will.

mid-way

i am now on day 3 of my two-week break from classes, and i have to tell you - this is the life! i forgot all about how it felt to be able to leave work and do whatever i want, without the awareness of homework hanging over my head. it's a glorious, glorious thing.

two random tidbits:
i heart my new phone. i've had the samsung instinct for a couple of weeks now, and i can't remember what it was like NOT to be able to check my e-mail on a moment's notice. the video function needs some work, but i'm sure by the time i'm ready for a new one of these bad boys, they'll be shooting full-length movies through phones or some such nonsense.

i was out to dinner on saturday night and i saw the former governor of maryland emerge from what i later found out was a ladies' restroom. curious.

off to work!

'love is not a victory march....'

many people have sat down at a computer much like i am and written a post on how they feel (i include myself in this group) at any given time. you know what i learned again this weekend? that can change on a dime. emotions are the most fickle things, completely swayed by what is (or what seems to be) right in front of you at the time. but the real deal...the stuff that dreams (and poetry, and literature, and art, and blogs, even) are made of is SO much harder and long-suffering and sometimes downright gross. it's not a end, not a goal, not something to be grasped or won or achieved. it is the act of saying

i hear you. i choose to hear you. i also choose to let you hear me and to let you in on what scares me and what thrills me and what i whisper under my breath when i'm alone. i want you to see some part of this picture and keep seeing it and add your own 2 cents to it and be there whether it looks good or sleepy-eyed or dirty or tear-soaked or old. and if there is truth to be known, speak it. and if there is fear, let's conquer it together. and if there is loneliness, let's remind one another that two really IS sometimes better than one.

there are no pat answers when it comes to another person's heart...no clichés that can be universally applied...no 'put slot a into tab b' type of directions that will ever suffice. it is about knowing another person and allowing yourself to be truly known. and that scares the hell out of a lot of people.

but you know what, though? i'm not one of those people. i'm not so easily frightened by the thought of feeling that way about and acting that way toward someone. and believe me—there is so much i AM afraid of, but putting my heart on the line when i think there's reason to do so isn't on the list. and maybe that's why i've been hurt as many times as i have—because i'm willing to try. and maybe i'll be hurt again, but you know what? i'd rather try (and keep trying) and, as a result, feel the agony of another closed door than miss out on the gorgeous moments of discovering another person's heart and having that person discover mine.

this love is serious business. it's the stuff of legend. it's the stuff that makes men sing. it's the stuff i want from now until the end of my time here, in whatever way it avails itself to me.

it's not a cry you can hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah