bugged

apparently, i developed some type of viral ick over the weekend, because i took my very first sick day on tuesday due to stomach distress. things were not good in there, people. not good.

anyway, since then, it's been lingering a bit. i feel run down, unsettled. i'm hopeful that i'm turning an actual corner, however. this morning i feel a bit more like my normal self than yesterday, so that's a good thing.

i realized something the other night: my life is very, very repetitive right now. not particularly interesting but very busy and very, very repetitive. see how repetitive it is? how many times can i say the word repetitive? you feel me.

i don't know....i'm just, kinda bored. and how can i be bored when i'm so busy? exactly. it's because i have plenty to do ALL the time, but it's the same kind of thing week in, week out. work, work, work. that gets tedious after awhile. and i know it doesn't behoove me to feel this way, since i'm only in my second semester of grad school, but seriously, i hope i can make it to the end, because right now i just don't FEEL like i want to go the distance.

now, that's my emotions talking. the rest of me will tell you that i'm not about to invest my money into this and not see it to completion. nuh uh. but if i may be the proverbial child kicking and thrashing about on her bed in indignance for a moment, I DON'T WANNA!

ahem. okay, thanks. i feel a little better. anyway, i'm on the clock here, so i should get back to work. i just needed a brief blog break. so, hello, blog world. nice to see ya.

now then, as you were.

the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker....

after dropping salimah off at her apartment in these arctic temperatures, bella and i ambled our way back up 83 toward home. i have been planning to make a pot roast all day (although now that it's nearly 6 pm, i'm realizing that will have to wait for tomorrow), so i decided to stop off at a little market near my house to pick up a loaf of crusty olive bread with which to sop up my red wine-infused sauce (yum!). anyway (must stop pining over this dinner which will now have to wait!!) after grabbing the loaf from the bakery - and don't think i didn't fondle and sniff nearly every other kind of freshly baked concoction they had displayed - i wandered over to the meat counter to see what else there was to see.

the butcher - a young man with ruddy face - struck up a conversation with me and the next thing i knew, he was pouring out his heart to me about his early life and how working here is such a change for him. he laughed, remarking that sometimes he cannot believe how much things have changed. i just had to smile. i know, i said. i know exactly what you mean. he said that earlier today he realized he was dateable now....now that he no longer lives a life of drugs and gangs and strip clubs. i nodded, reassuringly...of course you are. why wouldn't you be?

i can't imagine going back there, he said. it's so much better now. now i cut meat and i have a lot to share with someone else. he offered his suggestions on a few different things behind the case, and after contemplating the rows of stuffed chicken breasts and rolled flank steak, i told him i would pass on the meat for now and thanked him for his time.

ma'am, he said, if there's anything at all you need, you let me know, okay? i nodded. oh, and ma'am? it was a TRUE pleasure talking to you. his face blushed and then beamed with a mixture of pride and gratitude. i winked at him, smiled, and turned away, knowing that i needed to let that little magical moment just be what it was. as i walked toward the front of the store to pay for my wares, i knew i'd remember that young butcher and his decision for a better life. and in that moment, i took a little lesson from my buddy lot and his wife: learn your truth, sarah. learn it and live it and never look back.

it's just two steps back this time

let's see.....let's see.....where was i?

ah yes....

so, this past wednesday i had an MRI of my foot....well, of my 2nd toe joint and of the space around it, more specifically. i had to lie very still, flat on my back for nearly an hour, which is something i never do. i don't like to lie flat on my back, and someone telling me to be still is a surefire way to make my muscles twitch - no doubt.

anyway, after 45 minutes or so, the technician came into the room (thank God) and instead of unstrapping me and letting me up, she started asking me whether or not they could inject some contrast into my veins to get even MORE pictures that might be just a bit clearer - and oh, i would have to lie there only another 15 or 20 minutes. by this point, i was in so much pain (my back had seized up and was cramping), i was about to cry so i said no thanks. i left feeling completely exhausted and tense and wondering how long it would take to get the results back.

so, i arrived at work and after sitting there for 3 hours with a wall of solid tension going from my waist up to my neck - and a resulting headache that was making it hard to concentrate - i packed up and worked from home for the rest of the day - sitting on the heating pad, i might add.

and i'm SO glad i didn't agree to the additional 20 minutes of torture, because to add insult to injury, on my way home (a mere 3.5 hours after leaving the radiology center), my doctor's office called me to tell me that nothing they were looking for showed up on my MRI. i can still hear her words: it showed nothing. they just floated out there into the air and hung, suspended, waiting for me to do something with them.

but what can i do with that, really? *sigh*

so it's back to the drawing board....back to going in and having a cortisone shot every once in awhile....back to the shot taking the edge off the pain for a few weeks and then it creeping back slowly - or quickly, as the case may be - such that every step is wincingly uncomfortable until it's time for another shot....

i'm not happy. can you tell?

cleaning up

okay, folks, here's the deal: i'm doing a bit of pre-spring cleaning of my blog and i have an announcement: if you're not blogging on a regular basis, please don't be upset if i remove you from my list - at least temporarily. this is not a personal affront, really....it's an effort to have more active links. also, there are a few people whose blogs i read but who have a password protection on them. i've left one of them on here because a) she's my bff and b) i know we have dual readers. otherwise, though, i didn't include you encrypted folks (you know who you are), but rest assured - i'm still dropping in when i can:).

anyhoo, i just wanted to put that out there. of course, i'm going to make an effort to update my links more frequently, so if you've been removed, there's still hope for you;).

of course, i'm sure that to the 5 of you who still read my blog, this announcement is moot. but you know me (or maybe not): i'm all about keeping people in the loop.

so there's your loopage. now goodnight!

a nip in the air

after yesterday's balmy temps, i'm still behaving as though it's spring already. in truth, it's warmer than average outside, but i'm sitting here shivering in a short-sleeve t-shirt with my window cracked open. what is wrong with me?

i'm working from home today because i have a podiatrist appointment in a little while. here's hoping for another shot to stave off the pain that has gotten decidedly edgier in the last month or so. dude, this is getting old.

in other news, bella is in the shop, so i'm driving around the s.s. piece of crap from enterprise. it's a huge boat of a car - a grand prix, actually - and all it's doing is making me remember why i love my little german girl so much. honestly, farfegnugen, you know?

all right. i have to close up shop here. back to work and off to put on some warmer clothes!

tick....tick......BOOM

this weekend i attended the wedding of one of my adoremus buds (the a cappella group i sang in back in jhu days). this kid is like a little brother to me, so there was no way i was missing out on seeing him cross that threshhold into this new season in his life....

the wedding was also an opportunity to sing with several former members of the group, and it was the first time in a long time that i got to see several friends (and meet their spouses, future spouses, or maybe future spouses). i had a genuinely lovely time and was so pleased for my little brother and his sweet bride (whom i hope to get to know more as time passes because, hey, she also happens to share my name!).

there were a few awkward moments in what was otherwise a great evening, though. i always hate when someone asks me the inevitable church question, because my answer will never please them. the truth is this: ever since i left the church i attended in gaithersburg, with the exception of one experience, i have yet to find something that fits. i'm generally disappointed, in fact, by most of my experiences and feel like it's basically me going through the motions rather than a genuine desire to be there and no amount of me trying to force my own hand seems to change that. as a result, my church attendance over the last few years has been spotty. and you know what? it's not like i'm 100% thrilled about that, but it's felt a lot better not to front.

but here's the thing, right? someone will ask me about church (and it'll always be someone i haven't seen or talked to in years) - put me on the spot at a truly awkward moment - and i'm never prepared to get into that kind of deep convo in an otherwise group social setting. it's not that i'm threatened to discuss it. it's just hardly ever appropriate. so then i wind up giving some very shallow answer, and they always respond the same way: disapproving look, some type of noise (like, hmmm.....), and then even perhaps some type of statement about how this is obviously wrong for me.

newsflash, people: you sitting there telling me such things isn't actually going to change my perspective on the situation right now. and, in fact, what it will likely do is cause me to back up even farther from wanting to share my thoughts with you. who in this world likes to feel judged? i'm thinking no one....

man, experiences like that have made me realize how judgmental i used to be about people whose outward situations differed from mine. i was in such a myopic place - not understanding that anything could ever fall outside of the box....not understanding that people go through seasons of differing experiences as part of their journey - and that these differing experiences don't necessarily mean that their journey has derailed - at least not irrevocably. i try now to operate much more under the 'until i've walked a mile in your shoes....' philosophy than i once did. and i seriously hope i never made anyone feel ashamed of their situation, even if inside i was disapproving. wow, if i did....God, please forgive me.

anyway, the older i get, the more comfortable i am with being outside this box of which i speak. and i know it's going to make other people super duper uncomfortable. so be it. i'm actually not interested in making others feel comfortable. but you know what? neither was Jesus. i'm not saying i'm like Him in nearly enough ways....but i still want to have His heart for others. i just don't want to alienate them in the process of growing in that direction.

my half-birthday

yes, you read that right. the first day of the year is, in fact, my half-birthday....hence, my birthday is (wait for it....) the exact halfway point of the year.....and canada day, if that floats your boat. you know, most years i forget about this, but for some reason, sitting here at my desk with 30 minutes left in my half-birthday, i suddenly felt compelled to acknowledge it.

2008 has begun rather uneventfully. today i did absolutely nothing but sleep and watch tv. i figured i'd better get it while the gettin's good, you know?

tomorrow will be more lively, i assume. back to work. then one of my little brothers gets married this weekend....will reunite with some old friends. should be a good time.

meanwhile, i should sleep some more. i've got a busy year ahead. i might as well store it up while i can;)

come and gone

well, christmas went off without a hitch. my parents came up and we had a lovely time. it had been awhile since we'd spent more than a couple of hours with each other (i've been too busy because of school), so it was nice to just BE together for a bit. after they left here on the 27th, though, they had to drive to nj instead of home to go tend to my uncle who was in the hospital (he's since out but still not in great shape). it's always something, you know?

and today is new year's eve. it's hard to believe that another year has passed, especially one as eventful as 2007 has been. in no particular order, i jumped off a melting iceberg, got a new job, started grad school (in which i'm currently getting As, thank you very much), had an accident, bought a red mixer AND laptop, went on some dates - some good, some horrible, made some new friends, managed to keep all my old ones, witnessed some amazing sunsets and a few truly unbelievable acts of weather (including a double rainbow in the midst of armageddon-type clouds and birds that literally glowed gold in the sky), saw lake michigan from 96 stories up, came within near spitting distance of the pacific ocean, had two brushes with famed musicians, perfected my peanut butter cookie recipe, AND although i spent more days in pain than not, realized that i'm actually way stronger than i once thought i was. i'd say that's quite a bit to cover in roughly 365 days, don't you?

well, 2008, i have no idea what you've got in store for me, but i suppose i am as prepared as i'll ever be. so bring it on....gently, all right? :)

happy new year, all.

so this is christmas....

all day friday, i couldn't stop thinking about michael, my ex. even though we didn't really talk for quite awhile (about 2 years, really), in the last few months we've stayed more connected in each other's lives and i found out right around thanksgiving that his father had been diagnosed with cancer. as soon as i heard the news, i sensed that the end was near. it's weird - it reminded me of when my grandmother went into the hospital just before she died. even though her prognosis at first looked moderately favorable, i knew that was it.

anyway, the last month or so, i've been - for obvious reasons - very concerned for him and his family and prayerful that they could all be fully at peace with one another in his dad's last days....
friday night i learned through a friend's blog that his dad died 10 days ago and the funeral was that afternoon. my heart broke when i found out the news, even though i had been expecting it. it's hard to find out something like this and to feel so remote. all i can do is pray for them - that they would know some measure of peace and comfort in the midst of all of this....that they would all actively sense the presence of a God who loves them intimately and personally, even though they might not see him with their physical eyes.

which brings me to christmas. this year i've sought to place the majority of my focus on a child and a family whom i do not know - whom i will never know - to help bring them some joy, some idea that someone out there cares for them, in the midst of what must be an otherwise difficult time. and the fact that i can do this for these people fills me with such joy, i cannot even explain it.

i know that the gifts i gave (and salimah gave as well) were physical things, but as we bought them, i asked God to love them through the things....to help them sense the presence of someone whom they cannot see but who loves them deeply and personally. and really, that's why Christ came - to make a way for such a relationship.....to give earthly evidence of the kind of love that God has for each of us - a deep, personal, intimate love that started even before we came to this place.

i want to keep with me the brokenness of loss and the hope of promise all at once. i don't want to lose my sensitivity to what's going on around me, in the lives of friends and loved ones, people i no longer know or ever will. we all need the same thing. michael's dad needed it. those children need it. i need it. we need to know we're not alone. we need to know that someone loves us deeper than we can fathom. and somehow this Christmas, i'm believing that God can remind me - all of us - that He does. in our sickness and depravity, in our triumphs and our losses, on Christmas and Hanukkah and solstice and the second tuesday of the month, in the desert of iraq, in our suburban ennui, when we're mean to one another, when all hope is gone, He does.

harry belafonte loves potato chips

wow, so i've been back from LA for a week now, and i kept meaning to post and i kept meaning to post, and then i just didn't do it. sorry.

so my first flight back last thursday meant waking up at 3:30 PST to get to the airport by 5 for my 7 a.m. flight. i got on the plane and was waiting for everyone else to board when who should sit down RIGHT BEHIND ME but the legendary mr. harry belafonte!! my seat-mate didn't realize it was him until i pointed him out and she had a minor freak-out about it, even trying to take his photo with her phone after we had been told to shut off all electronic devices. he politely refused, covering his face with his hand. i'm thinking leave the man alone. he's 80. he doesn't need to be bothered.

harry spoke to the flight attendant a few times, mostly to request potato chips. (at one point he asked for 50 bags, which made the flight attendant giggle. apparently they were so delicious, his seat mate started requesting them as well. it's all about peer pressure.) his voice reminds me of gray cashmere....smokey and hoarse and lovely somehow.

when i went to get off the plane, i couldn't resist, so i leaned over my seat and said, 'excuse me.' he looked up at me. 'i just wanted to tell you - you're so lovely.....' i said. he looked me deep in the eyes, thanked me, beamed a huge grin, winked at me, and thanked me again. what a great moment that was. i told him to take care and i left. as i walked out of the gate, i saw who i assume was his granddaughter waiting for him. he's a dear man. i could just tell....

anyway, i obviously made it back safely, although since then i've been recovering from sleep deprivation. somehow i'm still tired, even after a week of being back on a fairly regular schedule. of course, it might help if i went to bed at a decent hour, but i digress....

tomorrow is the last day of my first semester of grad school. i can't believe i've almost made it! one more assignment to turn in, and then i'm done. and then i get a 10-day break and start all over again. *sigh* them's the breaks....

all right, i'll post something again soon. promise. in the mean time, allow me to leave you with one of my first glimpses of the pacific ocean, in all its glory....

'well, east coast girls are hip....'

okay, let me recap my day because i don't want to forget it due to sleep deprivation later.

woke up this morning feeling slightly refreshed - at 4 a.m. local time, i might add! had a lovely phone convo for about 30 mins from 4:45 to 5:15, showered, dressed, checked e-mail, and then met my coworker for breakfast downstairs. had a ham and cheese omelette and some truly delish freshly squeezed oj (you've GOT to love california fruit!), along with strawberries and pineapple that were both sweet and delightful.

made our way to the office via cab and hit the ground running with day 2 of the long meeting. ended around 1, got some work done, and then left the office around 4 (7 by my internal clock) so that i could get taken on a little drive in my coworker's miata. i was most impressed that i managed to fold myself into the little number....further impressed that after over an hour tooling around in brisk air, my hair still looked pretty good! i saw the pacific ocean - finally - as well as some palm trees, a bunch of cool little houses, and some fun neighborhoods. oh, and smelled some truly divine mexican food (next trip). met up with the work peops at a lovely restaurant on a marina and had some nice wine and food....got to meet some others from my department, took some group shots, and had quite a little vibe going with our waiter (waiters love me) - especially after i informed him that he looked like ben affleck. he even winked at me on my way out and shook my hand. can you blame him? i'm enjoyable. oh, and i must say - i had some macadamia-encrusted mahi mahi with a peanut sauce, mango coulis, and a shot of frangelico somewhere in the mix. SO good.

anyhoo, suffice it to say that i work with some truly fantastic people. my coworker and i were discussing on our way back to the hotel how refreshing it is to work for people who are so passionate, knowledgeable, and down to earth. i'm so thankful for my job right now.

so, LA's been good to me. i'm glad i came, got to see how the other half of the country lives, etc. but truth be told, i'm SO ready to come home. my eyes are bloodshot, i feel out of sorts, and i'm tired as crap. but all in all, it was a good trip.

i'm off to bed again, because 4 a.m. (even if it's really 7) comes mighty early.

pictures will be forthcoming (if i got any decent ones!!)

goodnight, LA

adam duritz, you feel me.

so, i made it here safe and sound. it was a long flight, but a relatively uneventful one. i left my apartment at 4:30 this morning and got to the airport and through security without delay. on the first leg of my journey (to atlanta), i sat next to a lovely gentleman who is ending his naval career and preparing to go back to being a civilian in another year or so. we chatted the whole way. he reminded me of a couple of people i know, so it felt like being next to an old friend. and more than anything, it made the time FLY.

the second part of my journey was much longer - more than 4 hours - and before we even took off, i thought the man next to me was having a heart problem. they nearly had to stop the plane and take him off. but he rallied and seemed to be fine for the rest of the journey. our trusty pilot managed to shave a half hour off the flight time (woo hoo!) so i made it to LA by around 11 local time.

after sitting in a very interesting but very LONG meeting, i made it back to the hotel. i am sitting here in my room with a stomach full of juicy burger and ice cream i ordered from room service (sparkling water to drink, of course), and i'm thinking strongly about bed. yes, i know it's only 7:25 local time, but to me, it's nearly 10:30 and i've been up for almost 19 hours now. yeesh.

i have meetings all day tomorrow, then a holiday party for my department, and then thursday i get back on a plane...back to the city that reads...back to deal with my car needing to be repaired and all of that. can't wait:).

so far, i have this to say: LA is HUGE. being on the plane, i was astonished at how big and flat this city is! and not as smoggy as i was expecting. in fact, atlanta was WAY smoggier. also, new mexico has some truly interesting landscape. finally, on airtran, go for the cinnamon-raising pita chips. delish!

that's all for now. i'm off to bed....

good-bye baltimore, hello la-la-land!

tomorrow morning VERY early i'm leaving crabcake corners for the land of paris hilton. well, i'm not actually going there to see her...more like the people i work with...but i'm keenly aware that this is where pretty woman dropped some serious bank and picked up richard gere while wearing that carol channing wig. in other words, it's not quite like home. i'll be super interested to see what i think of it. will keep you all posted!

i need to finish packing my bag and then i must get to bed. 4 a.m. comes mighty early.

see ya, east coast. be home soon.

'with the snow falling down around me like a silent prayer....'

what a week it's been....

wednesday i worked from home because i had an ultrasound scheduled for the afternoon. as i sat at my desk and watched the snow falling outside all day, i wondered if i should reschedule my appointment. no, i thought, it'll take too long to get another one, and i need this situation resolved asap.

i really did think about it long and hard, but at the end of it all, i decided to go. so i made my way through slushy streets in the sleeting rain to GBMC, trudged through the snow to the physicians' pavilion, waited in an overheated office for what seemed like entirely too long, and finally got called back for my test. my podiatrist wanted both feet looked at, just to be sure, but essentially the test was to confirm what we both suspect: that i have a rather large neuroma (swollen nerve, essentially) in my right foot that is causing major pain and discomfort.

the test didn't take very long - 15 minutes at the most. when it was over, the ultrasound tech said simply, i don't see anything, sarah.

???

seriously, i was flabbergasted. what do you mean? i asked. she explained that normally with a neuroma, it's pretty obvious, but she said that i'd still need to wait for the final reading before i got my hopes up - or down, as the case may be.

i left the office feeling truly crappy. i mean, it's not that i want to have this wrong with me, but at least it would be a diagnosis that makes some sense of the pain i've been in for nearly a year now. at least it would mean that the next step could be taken - a procedure that might actually relieve the pain. but no. back to wearing athletic shoes everywhere i go for the foreseeable future.

so, i drove back home through what was now increasingly icy slush. and i almost made it home without event.

almost.

not 50 yards from the entrance to my apartment, bella and i were trundling along slowly when out of nowhere, the car in front of me spun out of control and crashed into a parked van at the side of the street. i immediately tapped my brakes, tried my best to slow down, but bella's tires had no traction, and i knew immediately that this wasn't good.

as my beloved car crunched into the passenger side door of this woman's car, i cried out in agony. it was all i could do not to cry....(don't worry - i did plenty of that later on.)

i called the cops, we stood around in the cold, filled out forms, waited. no one spoke to me. i was alone in the snow and the dark....with no neuroma in my foot and the pain still stinging from the ultrasound. i couldn't believe what had just happened. and it was only wednesday.

since then i'm slightly less frazzled, getting over some ambient soreness and an upset stomach (from the tension, i'm sure), and trying to brace myself to inspect my isabella when i leave the apartment tomorrow morning. it will be okay, i keep telling myself. really, it will.

i have work piling up around me, 2 weeks left of class in this semester, and a business trip to LA this week. in between all of that, i have to take bella to get inspected for damages and find time to pack and prepare myself for my first cross-country flight ever.

at the end of the day, i'm not injured, though (and neither was the other driver or her passenger), which i keep trying to remind myself is the most important thing. but can i be honest? i'm frustrated. and disappointed. and over the last couple of days, i'm chagrined to admit there's been a lump in my throat more than once. i'll say this, though: in the midst of all this mess i realized all over again that my friends...and my parents...are amazing. so supportive. people called to check up, offered to bring me whatever i needed (which was nothing, really). my boss let me work from home. my new coworker called several times for moral support. and a lovely person let me blubber my eyes out on the phone for at least 45 minutes that night. oh, and on top of that, i got an unexpected refund check from school for an amount that more than covers my rather hefty deductible. thank God for that.

so, really, sarah, it'll be okay, you see? really, it will.

pause

so apparently i never came down with anything. it's a good thing, really, because i just don't have time for that right now.

i had a pretty productive weekend. got all my shopping done for the salvation army family salimah and i adopted, as well as an angel tree child i picked for myself. right now i've got 5 bags of toys and clothes sitting in my living room. some kids are gonna have a great christmas this year. that makes me feel happy:).

in other news, the tempo is definitely picking up at work. i'm trying to keep myself calm about it, but because i have a big learning curve (new job and all), i'm a bit nervous about doing a good job on my first big project. oh, and finding enough time to do my homework AND sleep. yeah, that'd be great.

speaking of biz-related items, i fly to lala land next week to meet my department and sit in on some meetings. first trip to the west coast. should be exciting to see how the other half lives:).

i need a quickie dinner (turkey sandwich) and then off to do homework. such is the story of my life these days....

just another post about me and the crazy...oh, and maybe a head cold....

i think i might be coming down with something. i'm not certain, but i've got an icky stuffy nose and a wheezy cough. i'm hopeful it's just dust and that i'll get over it, but time will tell (doesn't it always?).

in other news, i think i've become studious. i mean, i'm actually getting all my work done on time and i'm kind of obsessed with grades. this hasn't happened in, like, ever. i mean, seriously, i have this goal to graduate cum laude or magna cum laude or whatever is available that involves some honors, and i'm really hardcore about it these days....so much so that i've started making speeches to most of the people i care about that involves me announcing that it's been nice knowing them, 'see you in '09'.....stuff like that. i don't know what's come over me. i suppose i should just be thankful that i'm not slacking off and let it lie. but the nature of my obsession is that i can't let it lie. or anything lie, for that matter. in fact, i think about my grades on a regular basis. i'm constantly checking the gradebook to see if the professor du jour has posted last week's grades....and i'm all offended when he doesn't - to my specifications. and then it makes me grumpy - sometimes for days at a time. do you SEE what's going on with me? it's madness, i tell you. madness.

i bet you wish i'd just stuck with the head cold theme, don't you? but see, blog readers, it wouldn't be ME if i didn't let you in on my crazy little thoughts, now would it?

all right. that's all i've got for now. sleep beckons. i'm going to take a decongestant and get acquainted with it. 'night.

the good-bye girl

yesterday with salimah's help, i managed to get through a huge chunk of an organizing project i've been wanting to tackle for awhile now. over the last 2 years since michael moved out, my second bedroom - instead of being this place that i've been able to reclaim and use as an office again - has become a haven for all the crap i don't know where else to put (or don't have the time to deal with just yet). as a result, it's just an eyesore to me.

finally, however, i'm getting somewhere. after spending about 3 hours in that room yesterday, salimah and i emerged (covered in dust, i might add) with about 7 bags of stuff for goodwill (plus an old air mattress and pair of crutches) and just as many bags for ye olde dumpster. it felt GREAT to purge like that. i even got a huge box of stuff out of my closet (again, a storage room that never went back to its original purpose once michael moved out) and got rid of half of its contents.

more and more these days, i want to let go of things....leave a space in their stead, either to be filled with something better or, sometimes, nothing at all. empty corners are my new dream for myself.

and i suppose that part of growing up is learning to say good-bye. yesterday i found some literary magazines from high school that, for years, i felt were important to keep. seeing them again yesterday, i felt nothing for them. that let me know it was time to let them go. there was no longing attached. but heck, sometimes even if there is, i still send things off with my very best wishes that someone else will find them special for a time.

besides, i've heard it said that if there's no room in your life - your heart, your wallet, etc. - how can it be filled up with the things - or people - you want?

good point.

turkey day wrap-up

greetings, blogworld!

desipte the wackadoo weather we're having lately, i'm happy to say that i had a lovely, low-key turkey day with my friend vanessa and her fam.....a little bit of eating (not too much), a lot of talking, and some baby-watching (her 2-year-old nieces are a trip), and then i made my way back home. i was hoping to get my paper done (due today!!) but i was really tired and wound up doing a little bit of work and then a lot of vegging out - and eventual falling asleep on the couch. oh, and speaking of the couch, i managed to get chocolate on my white sofa, so i had to wash a few of the slip covers last night. honestly, that piece of furniture is starting to look a bit dingy and i'm starting to feel like i want a new couch (even though it's in perfectly good shape). am i awful?


anyhoo, this morning, i took advantage of a corporate perk from my new company - discounts at the apple store - and bought myself a new ipod. my old one is starting to show some wear, and i've had it for several years now (thank you, salimah). it's time for an upgrade to one that shows video. i'll be thankful to have that on my upcoming biz trip to LA in a few weeks. it's all about 6 to 8 hours of flight time, so you can bet i'll be watching some movies....


speaking of ipods and holidays and all things festive, i have an announcement to make:




let the countdown begin....

thank you, and good day:)

call me rip van winkle, baby

it's saturday night and i'm sitting here in my cold-as-heck apartment surveying the clutter that is on my floor (empty laptop and wireless router boxes, a partial pack of printer paper [alliteration!], some folders, and an empty pill bottle). today was weird, mostly because i didn't get up until noon. that's right. you just read that. NOON.

last night salimah and i went to our dear friend vic's 40th bday party and after coming home kinda late and spending some time fixing her ipod that had lost its mind, we both took a muscle relaxer (i was achy and she had some muscle tension headache that was driving her crazy). well, these things knocked us both for a LOOP. i had the most deliciously long sleep i've had in ages, and even after getting up and under some hot water, i still felt like i could crawl right back in and keep sleeping.

eventually we got ourselves going, went to my beloved mari luna for lunch (so delicious, i can't even tell you), and then ran some errands until early evening. our travels took us to whole foods (last stop) where i procured some yummy things for the week and some spiced shrimp with cocktail sauce for tomorrow (or maybe tonight?). i'm in the mood to mull some wine and watch a fun movie. unfortunately what i need to be doing is cleaning and homework. blech.

for now, i'll settle for a good night's rest (sans sleeping aid) and a productive day tomorrow.

'will you count me in?'

there's this quiet line at the beginning of colbie caillat's song 'bubbly' that i just love (see above). of course it refers to the act of giving someone the old '1...2...1, 2, 3, 4' but it's so much more than that at the same time.

i was just thinking in the shower this morning (where all truly good ideas come to me) how much everybody wants to belong to somebody. it seems that lately, i've met more and more people whose marriages are in shambles and i can't help but wonder - what happened in that situation to make one or both of them feel that they no longer belong? these thoughts, of course, are all juxtaposed against the fact that one of my dearest friends married her sweetheart this weekend, and i have every confidence that they will go the distance. truly, they've already walked some miles - some of them quite difficult - and all it did was bring them even closer. i'm quite certain that my friend never finds herself in that position - of having to ask to be counted. and i'm SO glad for her.

i don't know why i bring all this up this morning. maybe it's because i'm feeling sentimental. maybe i didn't get enough sleep last night. or maybe, at the heart of it all, i'm realizing that i'm in a place where i am content. i may not be in a marriage - or anywhere close to it - but i've got deep, lasting friendships with people to whom i matter a great deal. in my early 20s, i was so blazingly insecure - so concerned that no one really cared about me - and it put people at a distance, i think. no one really had a chance to care as much as i wanted them to. all my worry kept them at arms' length.

but now, it's not about that anymore. if you love me, great. if you don't, that's okay, too.... i'm not meant to be adored by everyone. and the people who matter consistently rise to the top in my life. my friends are the cream, and i'm just so glad to have them. and that counts. it really does.