addiction

i have reached the conclusion that i am, in fact, psychologically dependent on coca-cola. there is just no getting around it. my attempts to give it up altogether have only proven my case all the more clearly. i have been doing really well, for the most part, however. i went for two whole weeks without any soda of any kind. then, the snowstorm hit and i was trapped in our apartment for 5 days with sj and her sister. it may go without saying here, but i drank nothing BUT soda for that entire time. okay, perhaps a bit of oj in the mornings, but soda straight on through for the rest of the day. i was stressed, ok?

well, this weekend, after not drinking coke for at least a week, i experienced what i can only surmise to be the coca-cola DTs. i felt like killing someone. i felt that i would give away my car for just a glass of the syrupy, carbonated concoction. what was wrong with me?! my palms sweated. it was 11:50 p.m.. 10 more minutes until the 7-11 closed up shop for the night. i sat on the couch, twitching....wanting that fix so badly, not allowing myself to move....waiting out each of those 10 minutes as if my life, somehow, depended on it.

when midnight struck, i was no less frenzied but felt as though i had, nevertheless, made it through a trial of herculean proportions. i was proud of myself. satisfied.

okay, not satisfied, really, because the craving was still bad. i mean BAD. i had a cocktail instead (my idea, at the time, of a settlement) and went to bed. when i awoke yesterday, the craving had not really subsided, but seemed to be temporarily napping. i went through my day as per the usual and hung out with michael in the afternoon. around 5:30, we left to go to dinner at donna's in timonium. i love that place. the risotto with pears, gorgonzola, walnuts, raisins, and roasted chicken makes me quite happy. anyway, i found my usual excitement rather diminished and was, quite understandably, taken aback. i began to internally monitor my sudden moodswing and realized the problem almost immediately.

the people at the table next to us had ordered for themselves a glass of.....yeah, you guessed it.

the obsessive thoughts began streaking through every cell in my brain. michael, oblivious to my plight, was chattering along happily about all the various delights he could order for his own dinner. my eyes darted back and forth. i tried desperately to read my menu, unable, even, to focus on the words on the page. a light film of perspiration worked its way across the flesh on my face and palms of my hands.

after about 5 minutes of what can only be described to you as sheer torture (perhaps similar to how you feel reading this overly-detailed account), i finally burst out, 'okay, we need to talk about something RIGHT NOW!'

michael looked up at me, a mix of shock and bewilderment flashing across his face. 'yes?' he said, nervously.

'look. here's the thing,' i explained. 'i have to have a soda. it's driving me over the edge.' a feeling of guilt swept over me as i waited for his response, hoping, praying that he wouldn't judge me in my time of need.

'well,' he said slowly, 'it IS sunday.' i looked at him with such love in that moment. yes, indeed, it WAS sunday. a day of rest. of peace. of soda, even....

the waitress returned a moment later to take our order. she looked first at me. 'yes,' i said pleasantly. 'i'll have a COKE.' there was a brief pause. we all laughed a bit, the waitress somehow able to discern in that moment how truly past the point i clearly was. i ordered the rest of my meal and away she whisked, with promises to return with beverages in tow.

now, let me take a moment to say that i am sure that the reason i have been so obsessive about coca-cola of late is that it is MUCH easier to fixate on something like that than deal with the emotional torment that often covers me...or at the very least the dull pain that sits in the center of my chest. i have issues, people. and i'm trying to work through them, day by day, by God's grace, and with a lot of perseverance.

all of that being said, i must close by saying that when the waitress finally brought me my coke a few minutes later, and after i had squeezed the lemon from my water glass into the bubbling delight, i took that first sip. and as my mouth danced with pleasure, i quietly thanked God. and just for that moment, that brief flash in time, all was indeed right with the world....