'i'm so tired but i can't sleep
standin' on the edge of something much too deep
it's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
we are screaming inside, but we can't be heard....'

i was thinking the other day about what it means to have our cries be heard. this theme keeps surfacing in my life over the last month or so.....first through this song and then through the dedication to a ravi zacharias book that i gave michael for his birthday. in it, ravi wrote a small sentiment to his mother, who heard and acknowledged his cries before he could give voice to them. i thought that was such a poignant way of depicting how in tune mothers can be to their children....but even more so, an acknowledgement of how COMPLETELY in tune our Heavenly Father is to us. the psalmist says that the Lord knows all our thoughts before we do, that He is familiar with all our ways, that nothing is hidden from Him (ps. 139).

i know that even though God is already aware of what's going on in my heart, it's important for me to take the step to actually cry out to Him for help....it glorifies Him. it builds my faith and helps me grow....

'but i will remember you
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories....'

this leads me to my next thought, though, which is the following: what if you cry out and God does nothing?....what if you're a child and you're in the middle of something really horrible, and you ask God to get you out of it, and He doesn't....at least not immediately?

this question was brought up yesterday by someone i'm getting to know fairly well....and i wanted to give her the answer that always comes to my mind - something about God's will being accomplished, even when we don't understand it....and blah blah blah.....but i didn't say anything. i didn't want to be another of those who gave her a trite answer. if i was going to speak, i wanted to say something she could really sink her teeth into. something that wouldn't leave her feeling just as empty as before. i was in a small group of people, and no one had an answer for her....except to say that no one really CAN answer that kind of question, except God Himself.

i haven't spent much time in my life being angry at God for the bad things that have happened to me. in fact, the really bad things....the things that have scarred me the most....left me feeling sad and unloved and perhaps angry at people, but never at God. but, i'll be honest: i can't really take pride in that fact, because even though i don't struggle with those particular feelings as far as He is concerned, i'm also not always so sure whether or not i'm really worth anything at the end of the day. and i know that, in the end, that says more about how i feel about God than how i feel about me....

i don't blame that friend of mine for asking those questions yesterday. i don't blame her for feeling hurt and sad and confused as to why God would allow her to endure the hell that was her childhood. and i guess i don't blame her listeners (myself included) for not giving her much of an answer. because the simple truth is that i don't know exactly why God allows some things to happen....and then continues to allow them to happen, sometimes for long periods of time.....months...years...decades.....but i have to believe that He's good and kind and merciful and loving. i have to believe that He's just and holy and perfect and consistent. because that's who He says He is....and everything in His word....and all of history....and all of creation testifies to these things.

but all of that truth doesn't change the feelings of confusion that come when the events in my life...or anyone else's life...don't make sense. i just know that, despite how truly down and miserable i feel sometimes....like right now, for instance....i have to cry out to God and cling to Him for dear life....and trust in the Love that has no end....and plead for mercy and rest for my weary soul. and i ask those things, Father, for my sister as well. please let her know, dear Lord, that you remember her pain....that you love her even when she rages against you....that you long to heal the wounds that have been festering....that You are slow to anger......that your comfort and love abounds....

'i'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
you gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

and i will remember you
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories....'
(s. mclachlan)