ya-ya dreams

i watched 'divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood' (my second or third viewing) last night before going to bed, and i feel like all my dreams were inspired by strong women. good timing.

today, i went and picked up salimah for our celebration dinner (since she got into grad school). we went to fridays and had drinks and an early meal (including salimah's 'bowl-o-liquor') before i carted salimah off to get her a surprise (i made her keep her eyes closed the entire time in the car, so she couldn't possibly know where i was going). i got her this tote she'd really been wanting that has photos of kitties in hats and coats all over it (so cute!) and a book she'd also really been wanting. she was quite surprised and seemed overwhelmingly delighted:). i love presents!

afterwards, we stopped at safeway for a few necessities - cookie dough ice cream included - and then headed back to my nearly clean apartment (i spent hours tidying, dusting, and vacuuming earlier, but still have yet to scrub anything) where we will now watch some movies and chill out for the rest of the evening.

things i learned today are as follows:

1. do NOT drink a bahama mama after having had NOTHING in your stomach all day. tipsiness will ensue.
2. when the waiter, after checking your i.d., begins calling you by name over and over again, that can only be a good sign.
3. if you want your best friend to buy you some ice cream, spend an inordinate amount of time staring into the freezers at the grocery store; she will eventually get entirely sick of the process and just offer to buy the more expensive brand you had already chosen in favor of you hemming and hawing over something on sale.

good times.

the hebrew crackers were a bust

in a moment of what i am certain was hurried disorientation, michael accidentally went to the kosher market for me last night. you see, i've been waylayed with the stomach flu (left early from work yesterday after nearly passing out, and then have been home all day today), and he was going to rescue me by stopping by safeway and then bringing me ginger ale and saltines. unfortunately, all this kosher place had was some 'shop-rite' brand that, as it turned out, was past its expiration date by 3 months. normally, this might not bother me for something as non-perishable as soda crackers, but these were just stale and tasted a bit like their plastic wrapper.

eww.

i was still grateful for the supplies, though. and in fact, after his tai chi class, he went to the safeway and this time came loaded with even more stuff (real crackers included) for my very angry tummy.

and as if that weren't enough, he then went to salimah's place and bought her ice cream as a way of congratulating her for getting into grad school at hopkins. what a sweetheart.....then again, i knew that already;).

as for me, i feel icky still. not much has moved through my system in the last two days. in fact, mostly, it feels as though i have a huge lump in there somewhere. it's making me very tired and woozy, it hurts and frankly, i'm over it. not that i'd ever be into it, mind you, but this is just getting ridiculous.

i'm hoping that i will miraculously feel better tomorrow morning. if not, it's another day of waiting for things to work themselves out.

ick.

and yet, in the midst of it all, i'm so very, very grateful for what i've got in my life. or, should i say, whom....:)

2 corinthians 3:17

i haven't really felt like writing so much in the last few days. perhaps because i've been busy living my life and having my hair blown back by God's amazing love and power at work in my heart. the events of this weekend are too crazy and precious to type out and share with the world. i will, however, say this: i have been a Christian for 10 years, and i always knew that there were parts of me that have held back from fully receiving God's love for me. He has worked to chip away at so much of that over the last two years, but there was still a blockage. no more.

now i KNOW that freedom is mine. i had possessed this knowledge in my head for so long, but this weekend, it transferred to my heart in a greater, more profound way. the Lord removed years and years of heartache and burden all in one evening of prayer. i mean it; my very memories are not the same....Jesus, i am astonished at your grace. truly, "if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (john 8:36)

i'm banking on that promise, Lord....

and whatever comes next, i am ready for it...for more of You.

i'm going to tell you what's genius.

what's genius is when someone makes you a club sandwich and he constructs it in such a way that EACH BITE of said sandwich contains all of the pertinent ingredients: turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayo, health bread (complete with several varieties of seed and grain). let me tell you - i HEART the sandwich man at gourmet again....

oh, and did i mention that he gave me TWO spears of kosher dill instead of one?

*sigh*

how do you like THEM apples?

okay, so i just got a truly bad haircut. i mean, really, it's shorter than i wanted (thankfully, i have LOTS to spare - a.k.a., she could have cut off 12", and i still would have been okay)...but also, it was just crooked. and frankly, she was not paying attention. and also, it just was the hair cuttery, people.....

but this is not the point.

the point is that i DID it. you see, i have to rewind a bit in order for you to understand what i mean....

so basically, i've been needing a haircut for months. MONTHS. the last time a pair of scissors touched my hair, it was april of 2003. that's a long time - even for me - to have gone without some trimming. anyway, i normally schedule my haircuts around visits to richmond, since i have a hairdresser there that i know and love (she's been the only person to cut my hair, basically since 1987). BUT i haven't been to richmond in awhile, and i'm probably not going to make it down there anytime soon. and the straw-like ends of my hair were just getting more and more so, and it was making me feel very stressed and not wanting to wear my hair down or do anything with it. and then, there were the headaches. oh Lord, the headaches. the sheer weight of having my hair in a bun (which was the style of choice, because of the aforementioned straw) basically pulled on my scalp such that i've been in pain nearly every day for months on end.

anyway, it was getting to be altogether too much. but the problem existed as this: i have major anxiety about letting someone else touch my hair. so today, i basically freaked out and hemmed and hawed and talked to salimah and michael about it for about an hour....and consulted my coworkers (who clearly thought i was a bit nuts)....and sat and stewed....and then i realized that i had to do something about it. i had to bite the bullet and let a stranger (*gasp*) cut my hair....

so i went to the hair cuttery near my home and i waltzed in, cool as can be, and i put myself in the hands of this woman who was not REALLY that focused. and after my "four inches" were gone and it was clear to me that it was really eight...and that it was not straight...i sweetly smiled and asked her to blow dry it a bit "so i won't catch cold." and then i got up, paid my 15 bucks (including tip) and left.

and i felt positively giddy.....shall i go so far as to say elated.....okay, maybe not that far. but i realize that the sheer weight of my anxiety was hurting me more than my hair-induced headaches. so i looked my fear, irrational as it may have been, straight in the eye, and i told it where it could go, and then i went ahead and did what i needed to do.

and so the outcome wasn't fabulous. but it's really all good. really.

besides, in a few months, i'll be getting it fixed by someone i trust. in the meantime,

i like my apples just fine....

if i'm being honest....

okay, so the aforementioned nervousness has subsided, and the aforementioned plans have been rescheduled for next weekend. it was going to be too much of a logistical nightmare, after all, so it's better to have time to enjoy the time rather than rushing; at least this is my theory....

************************************

i just watched a documentary about some teen girls in baltimore who came up through the system and were put back into society. one of them (whose junkie mother was in and out of jail) went back onto the streets, basically, while the other spent a year in a group home and then was placed back with her family just months before her mother died (at the age of 34, i might add). this girl's whole world had been rocked consistently for four years (she had originally been put away after stabbing a girl to death), and when she finally catches a break, everything is shattered all over again.

and yet, in the final moments of the program, we see her a year later. she's now 4th in her class and is preparing for her prom, the whole neighborhood coming out to see her off. and she posed for picture after picture, this huge smile plastered across her face.

and all i could think of was....this girl has been through hell on earth, and yet she somehow manages to find delight in something so simple. she has no money, no mother, and enough of the world's reasons to be jaded, and yet her face is shining like a little girl's and she is not ashamed.

and somewhere inside, where i have yet to recognize my own freedom to be who i am, the ache is throbbing....

just keep it steady....

i made some boneless ribs tonight...they were basically pork steaks:) first, i marinated them all day in a chipotle bbq sauce and then roasted them in a hot oven, finishing them off with a brown sugar & chili powder coating, which melted and got brown....i wish i had had several hours to let them slow cook, but i was in a time crunch, so it didn't work out quite as i had hoped. oh well. they were still pretty tasty and, along with some baked mac and cheese and string beans, made for a rather homey meal....

in other news, i got asked to lunch or dinner for one day this weekend (it had to be sunday, actually, because saturday was already booked with girls' day out plans). i don't know that it's for valentine's day, per se, but being taken out is a bit different than hanging in and watching a dvd from netflix. definitely a thumbs-up kind of idea in my book....

as a sidebar: i feel very nervous right now, unrelated to all of the above. i'm not really sure what's causing it, but i sense something churning.

you know, breathing always has been a rather good idea....

that's right. in AND out....

in.

AND.

out.

simple pleasures

i don't mean to carry on like a wee school girl, but i am positively THRILLED that i have found a way to actually burn CDs on my laptop that can then be heard on an actual STEREO. will wonders never cease.

let this be a lesson: the right materials can make ALL the difference.....

'what a way to make a living....'

okay, so i deleted my last post with that map of the u.s., which showed just how un-traveled i truly am. it was failing to show up. i can't have that....

things are seriously brewing at my place of business. people are one meeting shy of losing it. there's this relatively laid-back curriculum developer who has begun to get very bloodshot, twitchy eyes. we're all overworked and are sitting under deadlines that are completely unreasonable (and getting more and more stringent by the day), and i am waiting for a smackdown the likes of which wwf has never seen.

OH, and when salimah suggested to our boss that we perhaps hire someone else temporarily, this chick's 'solution' was to reduce my hours to be able to pay for that. right. that makes so much sense. she so has it in for me, and she's not even really that concerned anymore with hiding it....

the bottom line of this all is that i need a new job - one with paid time off and some insurance and stock options. honestly, at this point, i'd settle for just some paid time off. perhaps in the mean time, though, i should get some betting going on the downlow - which one of these people will be the FIRST to march off the job in a frustrated huff?

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't hoping it's me:)

sloth

i'm really bored right now. really bored and in no way wanting to DO anything resembling chores, laundry, anything. i'm not down; i'm just unmotivated. clearly sometimes one needs a bit of an incentive.

clearly, for me, this is one of those times....

also, as a separate - but not unrelated - note, my stomach's feeling icky, so that renders me not feeling like cooking either. what i DID do today was watch cooking shows and a movie. what i'm planning on doing for the rest of the evening is editing. whoopee.

tomorrow, i'm getting up early. i cannot have another day of this kind of lethargy. it makes me tired.

do-over

okay, so apparently the guy who invented the ctrl-alt-delete function is retiring from his job at IBM. see, why couldn't i have been the person to think up that clever little idea?

i'll tell you what concept i DID come up with a few years ago - cake (or bread) pan-sized liners. you know - like a cupcake paper (or foil) liner, except for an entire pan? someone told me later, however, that someone ELSE had already invented it. poo.

i'm serious when i tell you that i have at least one million-dollar idea a week. obviously, i checked the wrong box on the day we chose jobs. i should have filled in the one marked 'millionaire GEE-KNEE-US' (feel the drama) instead of 'underpaid editorial flunky.'

oh well.....

swiss miss (for salimah, who will know what i'm saying)

question: could the trees be any more beautiful with their icy coating? doubt it.

it's cold in here. but i really can't complain, because it's my own fault. i've got my blinds open so i can see the snow outside, and the window in front of my desk is a bit leaky.

i'm also very hungry. i haven't eaten yet today. i was going to make meatballs last night, but i wound up taking an accidental nap and it threw off my cooking energy. i'll try again today. i want something hearty.

in the mean time, however, i'm thinking cocoa and a 50-cent chicken pot pie, not necessarily in that particular order.

home alone....

because i know you were wondering, it's foggy and cold in venice right now.....

and outside my window are snow-flecked trees. they have not plowed my street. this shocks me in no way. tonight we're supposed to get freezing rain, with more snow to follow. i feel thankful that i brought work home with me this weekend - just in case.

last night, i roasted a couple of small red potatoes (whole) with olive oil, kosher salt, and cracked black pepper. sauteed some baby peas in a bit of butter. baked a pre-stuffed (with mango/cranberry chutney) chicken breast alongside the potatoes. nothing complicated in the least, and yet every bite of it was delicious. about halfway through my little feast, i realized that perhaps the flavor of the food was complemented by the fact that i was eating it all alone, while watching the golden globes on a sunday evening, in my tucked-away apartment (which is decidedly tidy), wrapped up in an old laura ashley comforter (very warm), with eddie bauer wool socks warming my toes. it was lovely. and cozy. and comfy. and all mine. not in a selfish way, but more in one of those what-a-delicious-moment-that-no-one-knows-about-except-me-and-God-kind of ways.

i love being with other people. love to talk and listen and share and experience alongside another. but now, halfway to 29, i am realizing that i also really like being alone. there is something so sacred about the quiet, something so delicate about the moments of decision, something so soothing about the dark and the sleep that comes.

and what can replace watching the snow blowing outside the window, but feeling the warmth inside where all is at peace and calm? and no, not just in the room. deeper inside. in there, where Life and Hope reside.

it is home.

transformation

i'm formulating a redesign....

here's something i love:

taking a long, hot shower at night, wrapping up in a big fluffy towel and sitting at my desk to air dry while i IM and blog....feeling all my muscles relax after being pummeled by a hundred hot liquid jets and smelling my skin, clean and fresh. all i need now is some lotion, pjs, and a pillow to call my own.

thankfully, i've got about 6:)

weary

well, no bronchial illness (see post below) has darkened my door, but even after a weekend of relative rest, i feel more tired than ever. at this point, i am fairly certain that i have some type of virus. there is no other explanation for the weariness i feel. it is not emotional; it is not spiritual. it is, however, sapping all of my energy for either of those areas of my life.

every work day for the last 6+ months, i have put in my time, because the threat of not making my daily wage has crouched at the corner of my mind. i cannot afford to make less than what i make, and so, sick or not, i drag myself out of bed and do what i need to do. i know that i must not be feeling well, because even the threat of losing a few hundred dollars is not enough to pull me into line and into focus enough to feel like i can go to work tomorrow. sure, maybe another night's rest will do the trick and i will be back in the saddle again. one can only hope. otherwise, it's bye-bye moula, hello pillow.....for reals, yo.

i slept fitfully last night. or at least i feel like i did. i have several memories of turning over and feeling all the congestion run from one side of my head to the other. i also remember pulling the hood of my sweatshirt (in which i now sleep every night in order to keep my ears and head warm) back on after it had slipped off. i had strange dreams and when i finally emerged from my shroud at 10:30 this morning, it took me several moments to stop moaning and get out of bed. i felt sore and beaten up, not what you would call well rested.

i am now sitting at my desk waiting for two friends to arrive from gaithersburg so that we can have lunch and hang out a bit before one of them moves all the way across the country (i'll miss you, noms) this coming week. after that, i have to do some work and then i will be spending time chilling with michael, during which time we will most assuredly watch some DVDs. i need a movie fix right about now....

tomorrow, i will spend some time doing work and will then hang out with the illustrious sammie joy. we will hit the BJs for some wholesale goodies and then stir up some kind of cheap adventure, which, i hope, will involve some hors-d'oeuvres and cocktails.

i'm glad for all of it, and yet, if i'm being honest, right now i wish i could climb back into bed and sleep away my tiredness, which has settled deep into my bones and is threatening to turn the corner to something worse. i'm nearly 30; i cannot be crapping around with exhaustion and allow myself to teeter on the edge of some life-altering bronchial illness.

rest.

whatever else comes, i need rest.

how excited am i? part deux....

because today i got 5 (one is a double) CDs in the mail! i had fulfilled my 'buy one' requirement for BMG and had failed to cash in on my freebies, so i went to the website the same day i was ordering the dvds below and got myself the following:

india arie: voyage to india
lizz wright: salt (recommended by salimah)
cross movement: holy culture
brian mcknight: u-turn
rich mullins: here in america (2CD - includes bonus DVD with rehearsal, concert, etc. footage. VERY excited about this one)

basically, i will be embarrassed to publish my list of books when they arrive. there are 15 (yikes!) of those. i am seriously digging the new music vibe. perhaps i'll actually stay awake at work tomorrow, even though it's nearly midnight and i'm in no way getting the sleep i need tonight....

also, another 2 recent additions, via salimah's christmas generosity, and to which i have been jamming out at work:

anthony hamilton: comin from where i'm from
alicia keys: the diary of alicia keys

you MUST check these two out. MUST. because if you're like me, you GOTSta have tha FUNK!

okay, i'm clearly delirious. g'night all....

how excited am i? i just got 7 (yes, 7) new DVDs since i signed up for columbia house's dvd club. of course, they're in no way costing me any kind of real money - hence the reason i got them:) here is my list, in case you were wondering:

how to lose a guy in 10 days
about a boy
anger management
mr. deeds
a beautiful mind
american beauty
cinema paradiso

*sigh* i love that last one:)

between those and the super-duper discounted books i bought this weekend from cbd, i should be set for quite awhile.....i may be giving up cable, so i need something to entertain for those moments when cleaning just isn't that interesting to me....which would be, basically, all the time.

illuminating medusa

i got two lamps for Christmas this year. one is a pole with places for three bulbs on it, covered by a long, straight, columnar paper shade (that you can adjust to be crinkly or straightened out. very muted light, i'm guessing.

the other lamp has 5 heads that bend and will, therefore, point anywhere you need them. lots of light, multi-directional, in no way muted, i'm guessing.

of course, i wouldn't really KNOW, considering the fact that i have yet to drag my lazy butt to the store to pick up the special bulbs they both require. so until then, it's light in theory.