still here....

i know it’s been awhile since i’ve blogged. for those of you who don’t yet know this, i’ve been in the process of moving. the official day was last saturday. i’m pleased to announce that things went off relatively without a hitch. i had a lot of help, and my new place is big and great and all mine. now all i need is some living room furniture:)

i’m sitting here in my office/2nd bedroom looking out the window at the crows flying overhead. it’s a bright, clear day here and the yellow/orange tree outside my window is bursting with color in the morning sun.

trees. who remembered them? and leaves. and grass. GREEN. there is nothing green in the city. and there is nothing quiet. to me, it is DISARMINGLY quiet here. there are no trucks slamming up the street, no sirens wailing into the night, no hookers’ theatrics. just the creak of the floorboards and the sound of my breath going in and out. i lie in bed at night and it is so dark. what a concept....

*******************************

i am stunned at all that the last several months has brought into my life. i never would have imagined that i would come so far in such a short amount of time. i sit and chuckle to myself some days that if the people at my job knew just how messed up i was - not even that long ago - they never would have taken me on....too much of a risk, i’m sure. but that’s how it is with God. He takes that which we see as being impossible and makes it happen. He is all about the underdog, the impossible scenario, the broken and failing dream that just needs a little help to pick itself up and move forward.

sure enough, He took my penniless, jobless, hopeless self and flipped everything upside down. He removed my melancholy, He lifted my head, He replanted hope in my heart. and i am ready now for what comes next. i am looking ahead, with His promises tucked away in my heart. i have a bit of space and the air here is clear enough for me to sort things through....

and soon, even the boxes will be unpacked and the shards of exile will be swept into the garbage.

and so i begin again....each day, again.

conclusion

i'm just wondering if i need to come to terms with some things right now. doors are closing around me. answers come, almost as an afterthought. is the answer i've been fearing arriving in the same way here? maybe at the end of this road, this door, too, shall close.....?

and i have to admit: i'm not feeling that 'when God closes a door, He opens a window' vibe here either.

sometimes faith is called for...the evidence of that which is not seen. but then again, sometimes seeing is what makes things clear.

'cuz if you gots the poison, i gots the remedy....the remedy is the experience. it is a dangerous liaison'

frankly, i'm a nervous wreck. but i'm still holding my own. the reason? i keep throwing myself on God's mercy and having oases of trust before picking myself up and flinging myself across the searing coals of anxiety.

ah....the drama of it all....

in all seriousness, i feel convicted of my lack of trust in God of late. enough help to move all my stuff. enough money to pay all my bills. enough sanity to make it through this next print deadline. these are the things that have been churning my stomach into a stormy mess. but i don't want it to be that way. i want to lay it all at Jesus's feet and ask Him to bear my burdens. i'm clearly incapable of holding down the fort. so what else is new?

i'm so looking forward to spending an actual night in my new place. washing clothes in my own laundry room off the kitchen. cooking with all my pots and pans that have been in exile. *sigh* only 3 more days....

jason mraz said it all......

'i....i won't worry my life away....'

that is, if Jesus helps me to not be me anymore.....:)

to say the least....

'sarah, we're going to have to pull a thelma and louise....hold hands and drive over a cliff.....'
- salimah, 10:20 a.m.

things at work are a little stressful right now.....

a whiter shade of pale....

we just had an hour-long meeting to discuss the future of our curriculum project. i nearly passed out when, not 5 minutes into the whole situation, 'the boss' started talking about financial cut-backs. oh dear Jesus, i thought, i just signed my one-year lease! the good news, however, is that it doesn't seem to involve me at this point. the really good news is that this stuff is still plagued with errors. that, my friends, is where i come in!!

in other news, i am moving in a week and a half into a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment on the outskirts of the city....alone! needless to say, i am rather thrilled about it. perhaps it also bears mentioning that i'm a little scared. it's been a long time since i've dropped this much cash on a regular basis. it's been a long time since i lived alone. it's been a long time since i had to take care of everything...just me.

*breathes deeply*

i'm okay....really. or at least, i will be....

i think.

changing

tomorrow morning, i'll drive to virginia for my 10-year high school reunion. if i'm being honest, i'm not looking forward to going. i am going, though....i promised a friend.

the last 10 years haven't been particularly easy, or filled with much happiness or outward success....but i've changed. i've grown - a lot. i've walked through much darkness and heartache. but no one would know that just by seeing me....

people judge you by your job, your looks, your marital status....not by whether or not your shoes have seen miles and miles of road, not by whether your heart has loved and lost, not by whether you're better now - on the inside - than you've ever been before.

so, sure, i haven't made my first million (ha!), bought my first house, had my first child (or my first [read: only] husband), but since last seeing many of these people, i've met the Lord of the universe....i've seen people's lives - my own life - changed by the truth of His love....i've longed for more than this world could ever give me. i've had empty pockets, swollen eyes, and a full heart. the fires have come and not burned me; the waters have washed over me and i have not drowned. i've covered a lot of ground, even in the last year. but you wouldn't KNOW that by looking at me. nothing has changed, really.

except for the hope in my heart.

uh oh....

yesterday, i awoke feeling gross, but i went to work anyway and put in a long day. since, by the end of the day, i didn't feel any worse (and was even starting to feel a bit better), i ate dinner last night out at the austin grill (steak and some veggies). i had already decided before leaving work yesterday that, due to the chunk of editing i would need to get done today, i would just plan on staying home to work (where i am always more productive). i thank GOD that i did, because throughout the course of the day today i have felt much worse:(. i managed to remain relatively productive (also God's mercy), but i've also been in a total haze; i feel extremely week and nauseated and as though i'm floating somewhere outside myself.

i AM going on the retreat this weekend; this is not the time for illness. God, won't you please intervene?!

note to self: one of the most spiritually-productive retreats of your life came after a phantom illness that almost prevented you from going!!! don't lose hope! (psalm 42!)

onward and upward

things i accomplished this weekend:

1. de-haired my legs:)
2. bought toe ring
3. painted toenails
4. straightened hair
5. loofahed and moisturized
6. watched 'murphy's romance' (who remembered this movie?)
7. got my car paint re-sealed
8. ate bbq
9. got my nails done
10. watched a cooking show marathon
11. started a new book, which promises to be quite good

all in all, i feel rather fabulous, although a bit tired from not getting enough rest last night. i knew that i was going to waken early this morning and, therefore, couldn't actually relax enough to sleep as much as i would have liked. ah well. my hair looks fabulous today; life's a trade-off.

i was at the office this morning by about 7:30. honestly, i love coming in early, but with friday's deadline behind me, i feel almost as though i have nothing to do. in truth, much of this morning has involved talking shop with salimah. sometimes it's good just to check in:)

on friday afternoon, we will leave for a women's retreat (through my former church) at a mennonite retreat center in mcveytown, pa. i couldn't be more excited. i attended last year's retreat, had a phenomenal time, and came to some conclusions about rather substantial life matters. i am hoping....needing, really....to hear from God in a truly life-altering way. it is time for much learning on my part. and there are things that i am ready to hear now.

i have a hunch that some time in a valley will give me a moment to rest, to focus, to look up, to look ahead.....

my brain no longer hurts

please take note: as of today, the title of my blog has changed. update your links, if applicable:)

it's still me. just in slightly more forward-thinking packaging.

'well i've been afraid of changin' cause i built my life around you.....'

there's a knot in my stomach. a big one. i've laid everything out now, God. i've given it back to you. whether i get it back or not, you're still Lord.

sometimes even breathing hurts.

dear God,

i know i don't normally write open letters to You in this particular forum, but i am feeling rather cavalier. You will, i hope, forgive me for this if, indeed, wisdom is not ruling this particular day.

i am in agony, Lord. is that an okay word to use? my insides are twisted and bent and i feel as though i might double over at any moment from the pain in my soul. i'm just honestly not sure what to do right now. i'm trying to understand whether these things that are happening are to wake me up or simply to help me put my trust more fully in you - or both. if i do need a wake-up call, could you possibly let me know this sooner rather than later? i know that i might not do the best job at handling this particular piece of information, but i do promise to try really hard to keep my wits about me one way or the other.

it is no understatement when i say that i feel differently somehow this time around, God. could it be that You are changing me after all? could it be that i'm no longer quite as weak, that i believe You just a bit more than i used to? could it be that i will make it through this storm and be able to walk with my chin up and without regret or fear in my eyes?

regardless, i submit myself to Your will...not mine, but Yours be done this day and always.

your kid,
sarah

p.s. thanks for not allowing me to go out like a punk.
p.p.s. sorry for being one anyway.

the truth

it.
is.
all.
my.
fault.

my heart hurts

this summer was filled with so much loss for so many people, and the fall has shaped up with much the same. a lot of people have died over the last few months, and i know with my mind that this is the way of the world, but it seems that, more than ever, the list has included friends and relatives of (myself or) a lot of people that i know. sadness has covered people's lives like a blanket. and even in the midst of the death that came to me this summer, there was the understanding of even more loss and more grief - the proverbial cherry on the top of the sundae of despair.

*******************

5 floors beneath me, nigel sleeps. it has been more than a year and a half since we have been in the same room together (he has been on a nuclear sub in pearl harbor), yet the first glance at his face steered me immediately back to nights of long drives and even longer talks, singing into the night with all that our adolescent hearts had to give. it is funny how old friends never leave you, even when you are thousands of miles away. when a person is truly embedded in your heart, no amount of time or traveling can un-root them. and that is, quite understandably, just fine with me.

either tomorrow or monday, nigel will return to richmond where, at this point, our families sit in their homes, without power. i am grateful that my parents got their water back sometime yesterday, but it is uncertain when they will be able to take a hot shower or have any light or modern convenience. the thought of them sitting in the dark, eating potted meat and riding this out together is rather endearing, though....at least they have each other, the comfort of knowing they're not alone.

perhaps this hurricane has me all sentimental or something....

the busy bee hath no time for sorrow....

work. yes, that's what i'm doing now. working. lots and lots of working. working is good for the soul! working makes you feel better about things! working doesn't allow for that whole sitting around wasting your life thing!

what am i even saying?

i don't know. what i want to know is this: are there enough hours to work in the day so that i don't feel what i'm feeling anymore?

let's find out....

mercy, Lord

i feel like a huge loser.

goodbye, tennyson

tonight, i bought a new car. it was rather sudden, and yet i've been thinking about it for some time now. i had about 8 months to go in my lease, and i got an offer to back out of it early. when i found out today that my car needed 1000 bucks in repairs, it was a no-brainer.

so, i got rid of my beautiful silver, macked-out 2000 jetta (he was my dream car at the time) and am now getting acquainted with a sleek, black, much more pared down 2003 (same model)....i'm thinking he needs a name.....

either way, i'm still in shock.....

sidebar: michelle, i will be posting my interview answers soon. sorry i've been remiss!!

nothing in particular....

my comments have been completely MIA for awhile now. supposedly, they should reappear sometime early this week. we'll see....

i suppose that i, too, have been mia. what can i say, really? work is busy, busy. last weekend (memorial day weekend), i worked every single day. not a good way to 'start' a week, lemme tell ya. at least the week ended with more of a 'bang.' salimah's b-day was on thursday and i had a pleasant evening (complete with frozen margaritas) with michael, her, and her friend gordon at the austin grill downtown. then we came home to open presents and hit vaccaro's for a later evening dessert run. friday night, salimah, myself, and two of her friends hung out, had some cocktails, and played taboo. it was a total girls' night. not really my typical style, but fun nevertheless....

tonight, michael and i made some dinner (chicken with leeks, shrooms, and lots of wine) and watched 'la femme nikita' episodes on dvd. nice, relaxing evening. much needed. time with him is generally good for my soul:)

i feel like i have some things to say, but it's nearly 3 a.m., so perhaps i shall leave with promises to return and share more of what's been on my mind....

goodnight. dreamland, here i come....

'a breath away's not far to where you are....'

i'm entering in a bunch of changes to some curriculum i edited earlier in the day and listening to josh groban...feeling all lovey and melancholy and stirred up. what is it with this song that yanks at everything inside my heart?

in other news, some file folders rocked my world earlier. you see, i had these massive PDFs stacked all over my desk; i was getting to the point where i couldn't take it anymore, so i managed to locate some hanging files, tabs, etc. and put those bad boys away. ah....the serenity of a clean desk top!!

now, back to my sappy song....i'm feeling all crazed with the need to marry. good grief. maybe i should shut off my discman!!

oh, and in other other news, salimah's birthday's in a week and i've done relatively little to prepare for this. i feel like a cheese.....

and a sappy one at that!

tuesdays are worse than mondays

i'm feeling SO spacey right now. it's only 11:00 and i have to be at this job for another 7 and a half hours. i may cry. honestly, i MAY fall asleep. and to make matters worse, there are deadlines up the wazoo that are just waiting to pounce.

oh, and did i mention that i need to get my nails done?

in other news, and regarding my post below, i'm feeling a bit better, although i'm still on punk patrol (in other words, not letting myself be one).

i think we're having subway for lunch today. i'm feeling the turkey on wheat vibe, people.....

things that i need at this point:
1. lunch
2. a nap
3. a massage
4. some caffeine and/or some form of pick-me-up
5. a long jacuzzi soak

who am i kidding? i would take any one of the above....only two more days in my work week.
must. hold. it. together!!

ish

i'm so angry right now. i feel totally betrayed, and i apparently don't have enough of a right/reason to feel this way....which just makes me all the more angry. i feel like such a fool, and yet how can i really? i've known this all along.

i don't want any person to comfort me. that won't do. Lord, if You don't comfort me, there is no peace to be found. i will not settle for less than what You alone can give.

God, please show me what is true. please give me hope. please remove my blinders if, indeed, i am blind.

am i blind?