the real deal

well, i would be remiss if i didn't post today's answers....right?

1. as a child, who was your favorite superhero/heroine? why? i'm going to have to also go with wonder woman as my first choice. and no, it's not just because she's a chick. it's because a) i thought lynda carter was pretty and b) i owned the wonder woman underoos. running a close second to her, though, was spiderman. it's all about the webs, baby.

2. what was one thing you always wanted as a child but never got? a barbie dream house. *sigh*

3. what's the furthest from home you've been? hmm....to the south, miami. to the north, probably some part of maine. to the west, cincinnati, i think. pathetic, i know.

4. what's one thing you've always wanted to learn but haven't yet? to play the guitar. acoustic, that is.

5. what are your plans for the weekend? i believe i've already covered this.

now that i've gotten that out of my system....

in other news, i'm in a rather poopy mood today. feeling frustrated and i'm unsure what exactly to do about it. none of the options that have as yet presented themselves to me seem all that attractive. at least i'm able to eat again, but things still don't feel quite back to normal. weeks like this one make you re-evaluate your personal habits, that's for sure....

and speaking of habits, i'm going to bathe. while waiting for wisdom, it is prudent to keep up with the tasks at hand...at least that's what i'm telling myself, because some days it's ALL about the little things and how they help avoid the loss of the big things....

like your sanity.

because i'm bored

i have decided to take a break from cleaning and, at the request of a certain pesky person, spill some thoughts into the void. and just because i love to break the rules, here's a set of the friday five from last january:

January 4, 2002

1. you've just won a complete collection of movies starring one actor - what actor would you pick? hmm....honestly, i'm going to have to go with robert deniro. one word: versatile.

2. what was the last movie you saw in a theater? the two towers....loved it.

3. what was the last video or dvd that you bought? first, i must say that i am a total loser and have yet to procure a dvd player. secondly, i would have to say that the last video i purchased was for sammie joy for christmas (there were 2, actually). they would be 'hairspray' and 'say anything'. for myself, i cannot honestly recall....

4. what movie could you watch over and over again and not get sick of? probably 'when harry met sally'. and, just to clarify, ending a sentence (a question, in this case) with a preposition is something up with which i shall not put.

5. how do you plan to spend your weekend? friday night - not sure yet. i'm open to suggestions:). saturday - most likely bumming around with sj, perhaps some errands. no cleaning of any kind, because i am doing it all today. sunday - church and then a jaunt to pennsylvania for the day with michael.

two things: the chick upstairs is warbling and the odor of too much spic-and-span burns the throat. and yes, i'm speaking from current experience....

out of the woods

at some point today, i emerged from the madness that was the last day or so of my life. the only other time that i have ever been that sick was when i got food poisoning my junior or senior year in college. yesterday's movements were fueled solely, i am convinced, by some loud moaning that accompanied every single thought, word, or deed of which my body conceived. there were a few points scattered throughout during which sj and i both wondered if we would live to see another day....and even more in which i personally begged God to end it all....there are things worse than dying, you know.

the shining moment (who knew there could be such a thing?) of the whole process was when michael, in response to my desperate pain-filled call at 3:30 a.m., walked to the drugstore on icy streets and then came to our apartment armed with some ginger ale and medicine to help dissipate the human-sized gas bubble that had lodged itself in my body. for many other reasons in addition to this one, but right now especially because of this one, he is a true prince and the official saver of my evening....

so, i am, as they say, back in the game....ready to re-explore the world of food, leaving the house, and sleeping somewhere other than the bathroom.

don't worry, people, more coherent thoughts are coming....

too late. i definitely have whatever sammie has. food poisoning? flu bug? oh my gosh, i don't remember the last time i was this sick. the fact that i'm even sitting up, let alone typing, is a miracle in its own way. it takes every ounce of energy to drag myself out of bed so that i can go and be sick, but i'm feeling a momentary surge. i'm sure it'll pass. i already feel it on its way out....

here's hoping that this is gone by tomorrow. i'm not sure i can handle another 24 hours of whatever this is. and i KNOW sj can't either....

sammie joy is sick. and i don't just mean slightly-under-the-weather sick. i mean full-on, no-holds-barred, threw-up-on-the-train-as-some-woman-sat-down-next-to-her kind of sick. she is presently lying on the floor outside the bathroom moaning. Lord, please help her. there is nothing i can do....

in other news, i did manage to get to bed by 12:45 last night and, although it took me awhile to drift off, i slept through until about quarter till 8 this morning, waking only because i heard strange noises coming from the living room (it was sj coming back home) when there should have been just silence. of course, in my very sleepy state, i was freaked out yet unable to move, so i just yelled out from the bed, 'hullo?' this amuses me, frankly, because if it had been a burglar or some other undesirable person, i would have been a sitting duck, essentially. but, thankfully, it was not an 'undesirable', just my vomiting best friend....

speaking of which, i hope i'm just having sympathy pains here, but now that i mention it, i'm not feeling so great myself....

summing up

FINALLY, i slept - and through the night, even. now, my concern is that i would continue to do this - every night, if possible. don't get me wrong: i'm grateful for one good night, but i'm hoping and praying for an establishment of good patterns.

i half-heartedly watched parts of the superbowl last night with sj, michael, and aaron. made chili-cornbread bake & spinach salad with honey-mustard dressing for din-din. aaron made a carrot cake with maple cream cheese icing for dessert. lots of good and quite interesting conversation....i will leave it at that:).

because we were anticipating another person to be coming over (someone whom i did not know), we felt compelled to clean up. in all honesty, the place really needed it, but i was a bit disappointed to discover that all of that work proved 'unnecessary' for that particular time; said person did not come. ah well, at least the apartment is more presentable now. i suppose it's better to have just gotten it done, but it was extra stress i didn't feel like i needed last night....

we visited a church yesterday. it was rather disappointing, i must say. i mean, everything was fine, but i can't really say more than that. to me, that type of experience should be compelling - the GOSPEL is compelling - but instead, it was just fine.....so, i guess we keep looking....

something i've been missing for a few months starts back up today. i'm actually quite thrilled about this. i know, i'm being rather vague...but if you know me, or are getting to know me, you're aware of what this is and, i am certain, can share in the joy with me over this new beginning. if you're oblivious, just thank God that He's continuing to provide the necessary means for me to keep walking this road.

moral of the story: keep on keepin' on....

i tried. really, i did. i went and laid in bed at 11:45, read for about 20 minutes, and then turned off the light to go to sleep. i even felt tired enough to do so. but then, about 40 minutes later, i woke up, wide-eyed, wheezing, and unable to fall back asleep. i turned down the heat and then played the game for another 30 minutes, lying there with my eyes closed, listening to sj's breathing from across the room, trying not to cough.

so here i am, back at the computer....feeling so discouraged and without a clue as to what to do next. i've prayed, i've pleaded...nothing. it is a rather disconcerting thought that, even when i make serious attempts, i am unable to do any justice to what would be considered a good night's rest. and i don't care what anyone says: going to bed at dawn and waking up 5, 6, or even 7 hours later does NOT make for a well-rested person. i'm tired. all the time.

ALL. THE. TIME.

oh, and did i mention? at my wits' end....

'poems, prayers, and promises'

i spent the better part of last evening rediscovering the music of my childhood: dan fogelberg, fleetwood mac, john denver, jim croce....and several times, i found myself recalling specific moments - being in the car with my dad on the way to or from school, sitting in the living room with my family listening to my sister learning to play the piano, being on the playground and wondering why, in his song 'operator', jim croce can't read the number he has just been given. didn't he write it down with his OWN hand?

it's interesting to me that i seem to have more clear memories of the late 70s, when i was under 5 years of age, than i do of the first half of the 80s. honestly, the more i think about it, it's not that i've forgotten things, but that i choose not to remember them. besides, when i was 3, i was adorable. there was no denying it. and i can remember myself with some fondness...probably because all of my family's favorite stories that involve me are from somewhere around that year. don't get me wrong - i'm sure i've had a few moments here and there since then, but really, how can you compete, anecdotally speaking, with the cleverness of a pre-schooler?

it's a shame, really, that the next 25 years offered up so little material for my brain to hold onto with fondness quite like it does with 1978. see? the 70s DID have something more to offer than just disco....

'if i had a box just for wishes and dreams that had never come true....'

MAN, jim croce was a melancholy dude....how i have always loved him! even as a little kid, i felt that i could relate to his lyrics. suddenly, that strikes me as rather disturbing....

quick question: could i be any more in a state than i am right now? okay, i'll make this one easy on you....no. the answer is, simply, no. i am not a fan of wearing my heart on my sleeve every minute of every day, but there are moments when it helps to be weak, to be vulnerable, to look someone square in the eyes and bawl your eyes out.

i wish i could say something other than what is true and make it so....i wish i weren't so freakin sad right now. i wish i had used 'damn' instead of 'freakin' in that last sentence....

tonight i'll go to sleep a little emptier than when i woke up this morning....and a little fuller all at once.

and to you: you have no idea how much i needed that. you shine so bright....:)

'light the corners of my mind....'

i just had lunch with michael and my fab friend sean. it was citrus chicken salad on greens with raisins and couscous, coffee....good conversation....warm sun bathing our table, misrepresenting the bitter weather whipping about outside the window. it was nice to pretend for a moment that it was something OTHER than winter....

i am finding, with each passing day that i am here in this city, that it is harder and harder to connect myself to the girl i once was when i first arrived here nearly 10 years ago....and i suppose, in many ways, that's a good thing. i have a lot of friends who recall their college days with a kind of whimsical nostalgia. for me, it was much about pain and loss, personal discovery and emotional wrenching. a lot of battle scars and experiential notches on my belt - mostly of my broken hearts and illusion-busting epiphanies. it's only been 5 1/2 years since i graduated from hopkins, but some days, it feels like 20. too much has come down the pike since then....too many doors have swung wide open, only to slam shut days later....too many thoughts rage through my mind on any given day. it's no wonder my heart sometimes races in the middle of the night....

i've walked what feels like miles through that proverbial valley in the shadow of a seeming death and i've only occasionally dipped my toe into the streams of cool water. something in me resists rest, but God help me - i've got to dive in.....

what has become 'normal' to me these days is going to bed just before the sun comes up, waking around lunchtime, and living my life as though i were one of those middle-of-the-night shifters at some hospital. yeah. except i have no shift and my life is not nearly so medical or service-oriented.

i wish i could say that my sleeplessness was the result of some uber-artistic/creative endeavor...or at least something mildly intellectual....but this is hardly the case these days.

no, in truth, things are just the same as they have been for quite some time. it's all about me being exhausted and wanting to go to bed, but yet somehow being afraid of doing so. you're wondering now - afraid? yeah, ok. i have anxiety about lying awake in the dark and letting my mind wander to places i don't want it to go. must. retain. control. that's the m.o. for right now. so, instead of really resting, i stay awake until the painfully wee hours of the morning and then pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow somewhere around dawn.

this is no way for anyone to exist, let alone live.

last night, i dreamed that a certain friend of mine turned into a bichon frise after doing a rather contortionist-type trick with his body...at which point he then ran over to me, jumped into my arms and licked me on the nose.

so, mystery boy of the moment, is there anything i should know?

:)

if there is such a thing as a 'safe side,' i am one of those people who is generally on it. i believe in planning ahead, anticipating scenarios, setting appointments, organizing, and other things generally looked upon as 'administrative' in nature. you know, like, just to be on the safe side, we should take this bag of kitty litter in our trunk in case the roads freeze over and we get stuck. or, let's go ahead and make reservations for 8, even though we could probably make it there by 7:30 - just to be on the safe side. you're following this train of thought - i can tell....

so i've been wondering lately - what does it mean to decide to 'screw the safe side' and just live by the seat of one's pants? below is a list of all the ways i am living with reckless abandon:

1. i am currently without health insurance.
2. i am driving around WITHOUT a shovel in my trunk (you know, for digging your car out of a snow drift....). heck, i don't even have kitty litter!
3. i don't take vitamins. yeah. you heard me.
4. i eat the skins of baked potatoes.
5. i run the occasional red light.
6. i use public toilets. (okay, but really, this is by necessity, not choice.)

so, you see? i am really quite the bohemian. and if you didn't already know this about me, the above list should tip you off.

of course, then again, i always moisturize, brush at least once a day, wear clean underwear, bring my cell phone with me in the car, and carry my ID....you know....

just to be on the safe side.

i made it back in a record 2 hours and 10 minutes. i'm fairly certain that i was driving rather quickly, but it also helped that there was no traffic and we didn't stop at all along the way....

the last 48 hours were productive, to say the least. my hair has been cut and highlighted and i managed to score some new athletic shoes - a LONG overdue purchase - from some store that sells name brands - nike, new balance, etc. - for discounted prices. i'm all over the fact that i found a super comfy, normally $55 dollar pair of blue and gray skechers for 30 smackers. success, any way you slice it....

the cells in my body are still recovering from the shock of hurtling through the air at 80 miles an hour for a good chunk of the afternoon, so i'm going to go and unwind, unpack, and reorient myself to my existence.

it's always good to be home.

i have nothing pithy to say. i'm going to virginia to get my hair done. back on sunday.

but where can wisdom be found? where does understanding dwell? man does not comprehend its worth; it cannot be found in the land of the living. the deep says, 'it is not in me'; the sea says, 'it is not with me.' it cannot be bought with the finest gold, nor can its price be weighed in silver. - job 28:12-15

sometimes i forget that i have 2 piercings in each of my ears. it was a huge deal for me, on memorial day, 1993, when i got these holes, these small marks of my burgeoning 'adulthood'. i was right on the verge of graduating from high school and i felt i needed to assert myself, to be just a tiny bit rebellious and cutting edge(obviously, my sense of 'cutting edge' was a gross underachievement). and for several years - all through college, actually - i adorned my ears with some kind of silver studs (butterflies, lizards, suns, moons) until, at some point, the details of my life began to trump everything and all instincts that i had to even remotely care drifted to the suburbs of my consciousness.

and i guess, on some levels, i've always been afraid to care too much - not really because of some pseudo-moral attempt to avoid vanity, but more because i was afraid that if i DID pay attention and make some attempts at beautification, all my efforts wouldn't yield a product that anyone would find acceptable. often, acting like you don't care is an indication that, really, you care too much...or are, at the very least, anxious to the point of distraction.

and, i admit, i'm still this way far too often. i still act as though certain things don't matter to me, because to say that they matter admits weakness, fear, imperfections in my steel-like wall of artifice, etc. but guess what? it does matter - all of it. and it hurts to be ignored, ridiculed, laughed at, whispered about, shamed, silently judged behind a slight smile....i'm working hard to not do these things to myself anymore.

and, for the record, today i'm wearing small silver crosses right next to my traditional hoops....but i also recognize that what it is i'm looking for can't be found in an earring:)

and thank God for that....

elves rock my world

my stomach is nearly completely back to normal. i am eating again, which is always nice (not that it was killing me NOT to, mind you....). and FINALLY, i was feeling well enough to go to 'the two towers'....man, these people are marketing GENIUSES - making us wait a whole year in between films. it was so worth it, though....i loved every tense minute of the 3-hour flick. (tense, only because of that constant stress that exists when you know someone could be attacked at any moment.) this movie is so not my 'typical' type of thing, but what can i say? it actually has a plot and the acting is great (unlike a certain prequel or 2 i could think of....oops! did i say that out loud?:)) plus, who are we kidding? legolas is quite fabulous:)

okay, enough of that....

in other news, i'm going to get my hair done this weekend....it's all about a little highlighting and some trimmage (is that a word?) - much needed after about 9 months of utter neglect. about 2 years ago (has it been that long?) i cut well over a foot off of my hair over the course of 2 haircuts (probably 18 inches total), thus completely altering my 'long haired lady' status....i must be honest: i've been missing the locks. how fun is it to have hair so long, you can get it caught in your car door?!

in all seriousness, the bottom line is this: i'm still young enough to have kind of longer hair, so i'm gonna stick with it while i'm able. when i'm starting to really show signs of age, i'll take the advice of my former hairdresser/crazy/italian/new york aunts: 'after 40, above the neck!'

one could do worse than to listen to the wisdom of a 70-some year old woman with flaming red hair....

i'm exhausted. harboring some nauseating thing in one's body makes for some serious tiredness....i was supposed to go see the two towers today with michael, but i'm feeling too icky to enjoy sitting through a three-hour film. instead, i'm going to drink some 7-up and lie on the couch and moan. i'm still not finished reading 'my name is asher lev'. i'm not sure why, but i sometimes have a thing about finishing books. it's almost as though i don't want to leave the characters behind, so i prolong the experience by reading a few pages at a time....it's weird - i know. there is something kind of depressing about finishing a book you really like. but i should take heart in the fact that there are SO many others out there to read...and not even OUT THERE, but here, next to me, on the floor by the desk. waiting patiently:)....

sj and i watched 'monster's ball' last night. whoa. so disturbing. really excellent, though. very intense emotions; quite sexual in parts, but even the sex wasn't about sex - more about pain than anything else...more about desperation and longing for the pain to go away....

everybody's trying to escape something....

delta burke and domestic violence on a sunday

i have spent the better part of the afternoon sitting on our pleather, 'nouveau-pimp' furniture (as sj calls it) watching some made-for-tv movie on lifetime: television for women. why is it that stories geared towards females are all cheesy and poorly acted? is that what lifetime, the network that claims to respect and uplift women, really thinks of us? apparently so....(quote of the day: 'hey daddy, whatcha lookin' for?' 'my pants!' - see what i mean?)

since last evening, i have been decidedly sick to my stomach. i'm not certain if it's because of something i ate, or whether i have a 'bug' of sorts. either way, it has left me feeling icky and in pain and i'm not really geared up for an evening of 'the godfather' and some italian food with friends of michael's. perhaps in a couple more hours, i'll be rejuvenated. here's hoping....

allow me to state for the record that i am rather convinced the ceiling over our shower will be caving in any day now from the weight of what i believe to be some leaking water from the apartment above us. i hope that i'm wrong, but if it happens, let it not be said that i didn't call it in advance...:)

see - this is what keeps me occupied: my sleuth work to uncover potential domestic disasters and their sources. someone should pay me for this....

'it's a damn cold night trying to figure out this life'

i spent the evening around friends and yet felt very alone....the solitude of sadness is not something away from which i can easily walk. even in the moments of meditating on what is true, i am unable to escape the gnawing feeling in the center of my gut...the shadow of fear that falls over me when i lie in bed at night...the constant ache, the endlessly dripping faucet of my melancholy.

i am a woman who loves to make decisions, form opinions, take a stance. but when it comes to my emptiness, i hold no position. to feel as though you have been turned inside-out and scraped clean - what is there to say to that? so, instead of making proclamations, i have skulked to my corner and am watching the river of nothing flow steadily on.

and yet i yearn for something else....

'i'm standing on a bridge
i'm waiting in the dark
i thought that you'd be here by now
there's nothing but the rain
no footsteps on the ground
i'm listening but there's no sound

isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
won't somebody come take me home?'

(avril lavigne, 'i'm with you')