i've been asked before who should play me if someone were ever to make a movie of my life. in truth, i've never answered that question, because i never looked to find a mirror of myself somewhere in hollywood. much of that industry is made of 'the beautiful ones,' and since i don't fit into that physical mold, by most people's standards, the answer has always eluded me.
but today, and only for the reverb broads, i'm asking myself this question, and i gotta say...it's making me think some thoughts.
if i chose someone of a certain type (i.e., thin), people might wonder why i selected an actress who didn't resemble me physically. but if i tried to find someone who looked like me, i knew that, just as off the silver screen, people would tend to focus more on my character's outward appearance than on anything else. because let's be honest: if a movie features an overweight actress, most people discuss that FIRST, even more than the plot or significant themes.
perfect example in the recent past: precious, starring gabourey sidibe. now, this woman played a character who had endured severe trauma at the hands of many abusers, ranging from sexual to emotional abuse, poverty, neglect, etc. and instead of allowing this film to raise their level of consciousness as to the scars that such events leave behind on someone's heart or psyche, many people chose, instead, to comment simply on how fat this woman is. (i'm not even going to go into howard stern and his verbal antics. that man needs to be quiet more often than he speaks. but i digress....)
on a smaller scale, i faced much of this same type of assessment from some of my peers in school. to many, it didn't matter that i was involved in service activities, or that i sang, or that i was nice to others and tried to be a good friend, or that i achieved academically. i was the fat girl. plain and simple. and don't think for a moment that others let even one day go by without letting me know it. one of my crowning moments of awesomeness was during a high school honor roll assembly when a small group of guys in the audience shouted insults at me while i walked across the stage to receive my certificate. my mother was there to celebrate my accomplishments. in the eyes of those assailants—and all those who joined the chorus of laughter—it was simply an opportunity to showcase and ridicule the only thing about me that they ever noticed: my weight.
so, at the end of the day, i would rather people focus on who i really am on the inside if they were to see my story. and i wouldn't want them to be distracted by anything in the main character's physical presence, because my film would be equal parts hilarious and heartbreaking. and i would need someone good, who could really pull it off. i'm thinking a kate winslet type. someone who's smart and funny yet can show her vulnerability. someone who understands pain. someone who won't shy away from a little drama. (she made titanic, so i think she could probably handle me.)
and in the end, my movie would be about hope in the face of despair. about falling down, yes, but about getting up again, and again, and again. about learning to laugh at the absurdity of life, because sometimes that's all there is. about loving who you are, despite those jerks in school. about knowing that just as the darkness is covering today, light will come to bring the truth of tomorrow. and fat or thin, pretty or plain, the main character would be beautiful. because she is.
In the movie version of your life, which actor/actress would play you and the significant players in your life? What kind of movie is it (e.g., made-for-TV, action, emo/indie, etc.)? What would be the major plot points, and how will it end?—from Emily
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Saturday, December 03, 2011
reverb broads to the rescue?!
a couple of days ago, i learned about this 'writing challenge,' of sorts, through a dear woman i know. it was just the reminder i needed that i have words inside me that need to come out. i can't promise that they'll all be amazing...or make any sense at all...but i vow to myself that i will let them loose anyway. to let the chips fall where they may and see where i am when the book closes on this year's trip around the sun.
the challenge for today was to talk about whether i've grown up this year or become more of a peter pan type. to be honest, i feel like i've taken one step forward and two steps back, and i'm not sure that much 'growth' was involved. what i have learned, however, is a lesson i feel like i already understood at a young age while watching my mother work herself to the bone: you cannot live to work. you must work so that you can create the life you want for yourself.
(as an aside, now that i think about it, if becoming a peter pan is about avoidance, i can say that it's been ages since i've given my apartment a thorough down-to-the-baseboards cleaning. where is tinkerbell when you need her? i could use a little fairy dust right about now!)
but i digress....
so, to sum up: this year i have allowed dust to gather (literally and figuratively) while focusing on my 'career,' stopped cooking on a regular basis, slept very little (i'm amazed that i'm still functioning), corroded my brain with too much mindless tv, and allowed my creativity to be stifled by exhaustion. in short, i've given the reins to someone (or something) else. and i'm done with that. 2012 is the year of taking things back.
and maybe this little endeavor is step #1 in the right direction....
the challenge for today was to talk about whether i've grown up this year or become more of a peter pan type. to be honest, i feel like i've taken one step forward and two steps back, and i'm not sure that much 'growth' was involved. what i have learned, however, is a lesson i feel like i already understood at a young age while watching my mother work herself to the bone: you cannot live to work. you must work so that you can create the life you want for yourself.
(as an aside, now that i think about it, if becoming a peter pan is about avoidance, i can say that it's been ages since i've given my apartment a thorough down-to-the-baseboards cleaning. where is tinkerbell when you need her? i could use a little fairy dust right about now!)
but i digress....
so, to sum up: this year i have allowed dust to gather (literally and figuratively) while focusing on my 'career,' stopped cooking on a regular basis, slept very little (i'm amazed that i'm still functioning), corroded my brain with too much mindless tv, and allowed my creativity to be stifled by exhaustion. in short, i've given the reins to someone (or something) else. and i'm done with that. 2012 is the year of taking things back.
and maybe this little endeavor is step #1 in the right direction....
Sunday, November 20, 2011
nineteen
from up here, the city shimmers, lights spreading across the horizon like a beacon, welcoming some road-weary traveler home. 10:24 p.m. and i am home, restless as ever, wishing so much for that front porch overlooking the river. the one where i will pour my words out...the ultimate blood-letting, once and for all. there are stories within me, but these days, i pay them no mind.
also flying below the radar? the pale circles under my eyes i cover with make-up, the swollen nerve in my foot, throbbing with every step, the plaque on my molars in need of scraping, my dusty nightstand, the kitchen sink, lacklustre and waterstained.
i have learned how how to become one of those people who works too many hours, who closes off and tamps down, who smiles and moves on. i have learned how to forget. how to unclench the fist. i see now that there is little reward for the efforts on this side of anything.
there is also no rest for the weary. i read it once and know it's true.
i came to this city in need of a voice, in search of freedom. i found it and i gave it away and i took it back again, only to find out that i was who i had always been. tonight i want to pack the bags in my closet and go find my river. the stories have waited long enough. their time has come.
also flying below the radar? the pale circles under my eyes i cover with make-up, the swollen nerve in my foot, throbbing with every step, the plaque on my molars in need of scraping, my dusty nightstand, the kitchen sink, lacklustre and waterstained.
i have learned how how to become one of those people who works too many hours, who closes off and tamps down, who smiles and moves on. i have learned how to forget. how to unclench the fist. i see now that there is little reward for the efforts on this side of anything.
there is also no rest for the weary. i read it once and know it's true.
i came to this city in need of a voice, in search of freedom. i found it and i gave it away and i took it back again, only to find out that i was who i had always been. tonight i want to pack the bags in my closet and go find my river. the stories have waited long enough. their time has come.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
ten years: always remember, never forget
in my mind, i will always remember that day as the most gorgeous day i'd ever seen...right up until the moment that i got my best friend's phone call. juxtaposed against the crystal blue sky and perfect, cotton-like clouds was the news of planes, of buildings, of people flying to their deaths, of smoke covering a city, of terror, of loss. that day started out like any other and ended in black smoke rising into that perfect sky, in tear-soaked faces, racing hearts, knotted up insides, and nightmares of those planes...and buildings...and the people. God, the people.
when i meet someone new, one of the first things i want to know about them is where they were that day, what was going on in their lives, how they feel they were changed (or not), and whether it turned their road in a different direction. the one thing that seems to join every person's story is that they remember thinking it was the most perfect day. they always mention that blue sky and those beautiful clouds. the irony....how perfection can turn into your worst nightmare in the blink of an eye.
ten years have passed since that day and, as for me, i still cannot be around tall buildings without thinking of destruction and of people jumping. and although i have flown a few times, i still don't like seeing aircraft fly overhead (in the back of my mind, there's always that moment of wondering), and i still think about how many children lost a parent, how many parents lost a child, how many people just never came home from that day.
i would like to think that the sentiment of coming together and holding our loved ones a little tighter would have stuck with us all, but i'm not sure that it really did. other than the inconveniences (which are minor, at best) of not being able to bring shampoo on a plane or of standing in longer security lines and getting a pat down, much about the american way of life went back to 'normal.' on some level, that shows the strength of the human spirit—the ability to move on—but what worries me is that it also shows our collective way of avoiding and glazing over and pushing feelings back into the recesses of our consciousness. please don't get me wrong: i'm not suggesting that everyone should sit around thinking of atrocities all day long, but in life God gives you opportunities to change your way of thinking...to make better decisions...to stop in your tracks, pivot, and head in another direction. and to me, that day was such an opportunity. and, what's more, i worry that, as a nation, we may have missed it.
my hope for this country is that we can seek to put a little of the spirit that emerged (at least for a short time) from that day into our every day. that once another ten years have pased, our politicians would be slightly less of a disappointment to us all because maybe, just maybe, they'd really work for the common good rather than greed or power or personal gain. that more communities would band together and put an end to some of the day-to-day evils that plague our cities and towns. that more parents would come home for dinner with their kids, insist that the video games and tv shows be turned off, and that there would be real dialogue about feelings and thoughts and what it means to be a loving person. and that really, at the heart of it all, there would be fewer and fewer reasons for the people who plot these devastations to continue their quest to destroy us. i'm not so naive as to believe there will never be conflict in the world, but i'm also a big believer in not inviting it upon yourself if it's within your power to control on any level.
these may be pipe dreams, but as a citizen of this country, i have a part to play. we all do. it's our responsibility to live the kind of life that makes us worthy of respect. it's our calling to lay down our lives for one another and to love from the heart. and it's our job to remember those who have given something up for the freedoms that are in no way 'free.' and beyond all, to those who left our american 'community' that day because of the choices of others, we must keep their memories alive. they are the friends we never got the chance to know, the lives cut short along the journey to something greater. i carry them all in my heart, from that day until now.
and with my tears and my laughter and the life that i lead, i will never forget.
when i meet someone new, one of the first things i want to know about them is where they were that day, what was going on in their lives, how they feel they were changed (or not), and whether it turned their road in a different direction. the one thing that seems to join every person's story is that they remember thinking it was the most perfect day. they always mention that blue sky and those beautiful clouds. the irony....how perfection can turn into your worst nightmare in the blink of an eye.
ten years have passed since that day and, as for me, i still cannot be around tall buildings without thinking of destruction and of people jumping. and although i have flown a few times, i still don't like seeing aircraft fly overhead (in the back of my mind, there's always that moment of wondering), and i still think about how many children lost a parent, how many parents lost a child, how many people just never came home from that day.
i would like to think that the sentiment of coming together and holding our loved ones a little tighter would have stuck with us all, but i'm not sure that it really did. other than the inconveniences (which are minor, at best) of not being able to bring shampoo on a plane or of standing in longer security lines and getting a pat down, much about the american way of life went back to 'normal.' on some level, that shows the strength of the human spirit—the ability to move on—but what worries me is that it also shows our collective way of avoiding and glazing over and pushing feelings back into the recesses of our consciousness. please don't get me wrong: i'm not suggesting that everyone should sit around thinking of atrocities all day long, but in life God gives you opportunities to change your way of thinking...to make better decisions...to stop in your tracks, pivot, and head in another direction. and to me, that day was such an opportunity. and, what's more, i worry that, as a nation, we may have missed it.
my hope for this country is that we can seek to put a little of the spirit that emerged (at least for a short time) from that day into our every day. that once another ten years have pased, our politicians would be slightly less of a disappointment to us all because maybe, just maybe, they'd really work for the common good rather than greed or power or personal gain. that more communities would band together and put an end to some of the day-to-day evils that plague our cities and towns. that more parents would come home for dinner with their kids, insist that the video games and tv shows be turned off, and that there would be real dialogue about feelings and thoughts and what it means to be a loving person. and that really, at the heart of it all, there would be fewer and fewer reasons for the people who plot these devastations to continue their quest to destroy us. i'm not so naive as to believe there will never be conflict in the world, but i'm also a big believer in not inviting it upon yourself if it's within your power to control on any level.
these may be pipe dreams, but as a citizen of this country, i have a part to play. we all do. it's our responsibility to live the kind of life that makes us worthy of respect. it's our calling to lay down our lives for one another and to love from the heart. and it's our job to remember those who have given something up for the freedoms that are in no way 'free.' and beyond all, to those who left our american 'community' that day because of the choices of others, we must keep their memories alive. they are the friends we never got the chance to know, the lives cut short along the journey to something greater. i carry them all in my heart, from that day until now.
and with my tears and my laughter and the life that i lead, i will never forget.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
a near miss
it's sunday morning, the last day of the grand prix here in baltimore (thank you, God!), and the birthday of my illustrious, fabulous, and in all ways hilarious bff. for the first time in about 3 years, i am NOT sick on her birthday - which i feel is some sort of grand feat for me, i must say. i'm not sure what it is about labor day that seems to curse me each year, but i normally come down with some type of upper respiratory funk that leaves me knocked out and in no way social for the better part of 3 weeks.
despite some mild feelings of impending influenza on friday, i've managed to hold myself together for the last two days and have fortified my strength through sleeping in and doing absolutely nothing. so much so, that i now feel nearly ready to brave the wilds of my currently noisy city and seek out my first brunch in weeks. special occasions must be upheld, no? and a birthday of my 'more sister to me than any sister has ever been' friend is just such an event.
who knows what madcap fun will ensue after bacon is munched and brunch cocktails drunk (hers, not mine)? methinks a trip to the suburbs may be in order...although that seems so...pedantic just now. truthfully, i am without fundage to do something actually fun these days, and if there's one thing i know, it's that most things enjoyable cost money...if not the doing, then the getting there and back.
ah well. i have my moments of creativity. perhaps a hot, soapy shower will inspire me to think outside the realm of my (nearly empty) wallet and put me in a mindset more worthy of today's festivities. once again, i am not in bed with a fever, so i'm heading in the right direction. and besides, there is bacon to be had and a bff to celebrate, and who am i to pass up such an opportunity?
despite some mild feelings of impending influenza on friday, i've managed to hold myself together for the last two days and have fortified my strength through sleeping in and doing absolutely nothing. so much so, that i now feel nearly ready to brave the wilds of my currently noisy city and seek out my first brunch in weeks. special occasions must be upheld, no? and a birthday of my 'more sister to me than any sister has ever been' friend is just such an event.
who knows what madcap fun will ensue after bacon is munched and brunch cocktails drunk (hers, not mine)? methinks a trip to the suburbs may be in order...although that seems so...pedantic just now. truthfully, i am without fundage to do something actually fun these days, and if there's one thing i know, it's that most things enjoyable cost money...if not the doing, then the getting there and back.
ah well. i have my moments of creativity. perhaps a hot, soapy shower will inspire me to think outside the realm of my (nearly empty) wallet and put me in a mindset more worthy of today's festivities. once again, i am not in bed with a fever, so i'm heading in the right direction. and besides, there is bacon to be had and a bff to celebrate, and who am i to pass up such an opportunity?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
in all seriousness
so, it's thursday and i should be enjoying watching my ravens in their first pre-season game against the eagles, but instead, i'm fuming and too distracted to watch football. thank God for DVR; otherwise, i'd be in a heap of trouble.
i don't normally discuss my personal life too much around these parts, but suffice it to say that i abhor being lied to - particularly by people i find highly enjoyable. the reasons for this may be obvious:
i don't normally discuss my personal life too much around these parts, but suffice it to say that i abhor being lied to - particularly by people i find highly enjoyable. the reasons for this may be obvious:
- being lied to is just lame.
- for someone i previously found highly enjoyable, i can no longer feel that way about him/her because, well, he/she is now a LIAR.
- i have very little free time on my hands these days, and why, exactly, should i waste it paying any attention to someone who has been untruthful when i am just being me? i find wasting my care and affection for others to be just cardinal in the 'relational sin' department.
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
both sides now
most people who have known me for years also know that i am a singer. music was my first love, before all else, and i am sure that it will be one of the last things with me in this life (i've just always felt this would be so). part of the reason i've always connected so much with music was not just for the melodic progressions, the disarming weight of certain notes or harmonies, but because of the lyrical poetry that often accompanies those strung-together sounds.
and cheesily enough, although i know my heart has some type of song in it, i have realized, over the years, that it is the words that light me up the most. over time, song after song has captured my affections and gotten me all twitterpated and obsessed and wrung out with sorrow and joy and a million feelings in between. two summers ago, for example, i was completely over the moon about maxwell's 'pretty wings'...so much so that i'm pretty sure i wore my best friend's eardrums out playing it over and over (and OVER) every chance i got.
but some songs just fit your life, for one reason or another, and they never grow old, never fade from view, wind up on every mix or playlist for every party, event, or 'just because.' and one of the songs that has me swooning this summer (and every time i hear it, in fact) is joni mitchell's remake of her classic 'both sides now.' to be sure, the aging songbird's voice no longer carries the chipper and clear-as-a-bell tone of her earlier folk songstress days. now, it is wavering and smoky, hovering on the border between learned and melancholy, and just plain rife with years of love and pain. the retrospection in each note just slays me. i believe her when she says that she's looked at life from both sides now...and i feel like i hear some regret in that looking back. and what's more, i know it for myself.
rows and flows of angel hair
and ice cream castles in the air
and feather canyons everywhere
i've looked at clouds that way
but now they only block the sun
they rain and snow on everyone
so many things i would have done
but clouds got in my way
i've looked at clouds from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's cloud illusions I recall
i really don't know clouds at all
moons and junes and ferris wheels
the dizzy dancing way you feel
as ev'ry fairy tale comes real
i've looked at love that way
but now it's just another show
you leave 'em laughing when you go
and if you care, don't let them know
don't give yourself away
i've looked at love from both sides now
from give and take, and still somehow
it's love's illusions i recall
i really don't know love at all
tears and fears and feeling proud
to say "i love you" right out loud
dreams and schemes and circus crowds
i've looked at life that way
but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say i've changed
well something's lost, but something's gained
in living every day
i've looked at life from both sides now
from win and lose and still somehow
it's life's illusions i recall
i really don't know life at all
i've looked at life from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's life's illusions i recall
i really don't know life at all
by joni mitchell © 1969
and cheesily enough, although i know my heart has some type of song in it, i have realized, over the years, that it is the words that light me up the most. over time, song after song has captured my affections and gotten me all twitterpated and obsessed and wrung out with sorrow and joy and a million feelings in between. two summers ago, for example, i was completely over the moon about maxwell's 'pretty wings'...so much so that i'm pretty sure i wore my best friend's eardrums out playing it over and over (and OVER) every chance i got.
but some songs just fit your life, for one reason or another, and they never grow old, never fade from view, wind up on every mix or playlist for every party, event, or 'just because.' and one of the songs that has me swooning this summer (and every time i hear it, in fact) is joni mitchell's remake of her classic 'both sides now.' to be sure, the aging songbird's voice no longer carries the chipper and clear-as-a-bell tone of her earlier folk songstress days. now, it is wavering and smoky, hovering on the border between learned and melancholy, and just plain rife with years of love and pain. the retrospection in each note just slays me. i believe her when she says that she's looked at life from both sides now...and i feel like i hear some regret in that looking back. and what's more, i know it for myself.
rows and flows of angel hair
and ice cream castles in the air
and feather canyons everywhere
i've looked at clouds that way
but now they only block the sun
they rain and snow on everyone
so many things i would have done
but clouds got in my way
i've looked at clouds from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's cloud illusions I recall
i really don't know clouds at all
moons and junes and ferris wheels
the dizzy dancing way you feel
as ev'ry fairy tale comes real
i've looked at love that way
but now it's just another show
you leave 'em laughing when you go
and if you care, don't let them know
don't give yourself away
i've looked at love from both sides now
from give and take, and still somehow
it's love's illusions i recall
i really don't know love at all
tears and fears and feeling proud
to say "i love you" right out loud
dreams and schemes and circus crowds
i've looked at life that way
but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say i've changed
well something's lost, but something's gained
in living every day
i've looked at life from both sides now
from win and lose and still somehow
it's life's illusions i recall
i really don't know life at all
i've looked at life from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's life's illusions i recall
i really don't know life at all
by joni mitchell © 1969
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
a re-turning
summer has thoroughly taken hold, and i'm pretty sure it's been in the 90s nearly every day for the last 6 weeks. and if it hasn't, it certainly feels that way. correct me if i'm wrong, but i feel like it really is getting hotter around here (and by 'around here,' i mean the world). summers as a kid never felt this stifling....
now then, as to why i have been virtually silent for some time now, i can only say that my work is taking all the life out of me by day's end to the point that all i want to do is watch mindless tv and think about sleep. that, and i actually have too many thoughts in my head to do any writing, if that makes any sense. it's like the energy it would take to wrangle those wayward ideas into a sensible post is beyond my weary-ness after i've been out in the world of the working mundane....
but two days off from the rat race has given me a smidge of fresh perspective, and suddenly this afternoon, i felt like putting fingers to keyboard again. in doing so, i'm feeding my soul just a little bit...and i'm hoping that if i can do even just these small things—maybe one each day—i can start to carve out a space again in my own life. i cannot tell you how much i am in need of something more...something beyond; it occurred to me today that i must do everything in my power to give myself that gift.
so, to that end, here are some thoughts (in no particular order):
1. i have this secret craft project i started about 2 years ago that i need to finish. i'm going to do that by the fall. and that's that.
2. i need to start writing again...for me. whether the world sees it via the internets, or it stays on my hard drive somewhere, i have to get these thoughts out of my head. retrospect, after all, is the greatest teacher.
3. once every month or two, i want to treat maxwell (my current jetta) to a car wash. seeing him shine makes me as giddy as a school girl.
4. i also must make time to wander through stores or other places that have lovely things. even if i don't buy anything, it inspires me to see beauty in design, decor, and the shiny newness of 'stuff'—although the stuff itself isn't really the point.
5. i need to get out of dodge more often. a drive into the countryside, a stop at a roadside store for a drink or some garden-grown veggies, the smell of hay and grass and earth, the sight of mountains - these things refresh and rejuvenate me.
6. i will reunite with the ocean before the first frost. the vastness of that briny deep reminds me how simultaneously small and big my life is.
7. i must keep reading fiction. a well-turned phrase can be more nourishing than any fine meal.
8. sleep. enough said.
9. technology, while fantastic in so many ways, sucks the life out of a person. i need better balance for myself. my future depends on it, i feel.
10. my interior life has suffered from a clog of late. the aforementioned rat race and inability to turn off my laden mind has resulted in a lack of gratitude and, at times, a focus on things that have no real significance when you get down to it. it's too easy to forget that reflection in the mirror. i yearn for quiet these days...in all aspects of my existence.
in sum, i feel like i've been on vacation from myself, somehow, and that someone else has been calling the shots in my day-to-day...and i don't like it. it's got to stop. time is, literally, a'wasting....
so that's that. from here, i turn again. i re-turn. return to me.
now then, as to why i have been virtually silent for some time now, i can only say that my work is taking all the life out of me by day's end to the point that all i want to do is watch mindless tv and think about sleep. that, and i actually have too many thoughts in my head to do any writing, if that makes any sense. it's like the energy it would take to wrangle those wayward ideas into a sensible post is beyond my weary-ness after i've been out in the world of the working mundane....
but two days off from the rat race has given me a smidge of fresh perspective, and suddenly this afternoon, i felt like putting fingers to keyboard again. in doing so, i'm feeding my soul just a little bit...and i'm hoping that if i can do even just these small things—maybe one each day—i can start to carve out a space again in my own life. i cannot tell you how much i am in need of something more...something beyond; it occurred to me today that i must do everything in my power to give myself that gift.
so, to that end, here are some thoughts (in no particular order):
1. i have this secret craft project i started about 2 years ago that i need to finish. i'm going to do that by the fall. and that's that.
2. i need to start writing again...for me. whether the world sees it via the internets, or it stays on my hard drive somewhere, i have to get these thoughts out of my head. retrospect, after all, is the greatest teacher.
3. once every month or two, i want to treat maxwell (my current jetta) to a car wash. seeing him shine makes me as giddy as a school girl.
4. i also must make time to wander through stores or other places that have lovely things. even if i don't buy anything, it inspires me to see beauty in design, decor, and the shiny newness of 'stuff'—although the stuff itself isn't really the point.
5. i need to get out of dodge more often. a drive into the countryside, a stop at a roadside store for a drink or some garden-grown veggies, the smell of hay and grass and earth, the sight of mountains - these things refresh and rejuvenate me.
6. i will reunite with the ocean before the first frost. the vastness of that briny deep reminds me how simultaneously small and big my life is.
7. i must keep reading fiction. a well-turned phrase can be more nourishing than any fine meal.
8. sleep. enough said.
9. technology, while fantastic in so many ways, sucks the life out of a person. i need better balance for myself. my future depends on it, i feel.
10. my interior life has suffered from a clog of late. the aforementioned rat race and inability to turn off my laden mind has resulted in a lack of gratitude and, at times, a focus on things that have no real significance when you get down to it. it's too easy to forget that reflection in the mirror. i yearn for quiet these days...in all aspects of my existence.
in sum, i feel like i've been on vacation from myself, somehow, and that someone else has been calling the shots in my day-to-day...and i don't like it. it's got to stop. time is, literally, a'wasting....
so that's that. from here, i turn again. i re-turn. return to me.
Monday, May 16, 2011
in between asleep and more asleep
last night i dreamed about contingency plans and ideas gone awry. it was like one thing after another spiraling out of control. and in the middle of it, i had this very lucid thought that it was not unlike my waking life.
hmm.
hmm.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
the disconnect
some days i forget who i am, i think. i get up, i shower, get dressed, go to work, come home, and try to stay awake until bedtime. wash, rinse, repeat. every day feels the same as the last and before i know it, two months...two years...are gone.
so the question i'm constantly asking myself (yet feeling too tired to answer, it seems) is this: how do i keep being me while dealing with the demands of the rest of life? how do i make the time to write and cook and sing and do the things that make me happy when i feel so freaking tired all the time?
i'm starting to wonder if i should abandon electronics for the next six months in order to get more in touch with my surroundings. but then as soon as i think that, i realize how some days my only connection with the outside world is through facebook or e-mail or a simple text message. it would be like cutting off my oxygen, right?... right?
i don't know anymore. i really don't.
there are wonderful things about the internet, cable tv, ipods, smart phones, and the like, but they also serve to distract and suck me into a vortex and keep me at arms' length. even from myself.
there must be balance. somewhere in between the vortex and utter techno-avoidance is where i want to fall, ultimately. now if i can just figure out how to make that work, i'll be getting somewhere....
so the question i'm constantly asking myself (yet feeling too tired to answer, it seems) is this: how do i keep being me while dealing with the demands of the rest of life? how do i make the time to write and cook and sing and do the things that make me happy when i feel so freaking tired all the time?
i'm starting to wonder if i should abandon electronics for the next six months in order to get more in touch with my surroundings. but then as soon as i think that, i realize how some days my only connection with the outside world is through facebook or e-mail or a simple text message. it would be like cutting off my oxygen, right?... right?
i don't know anymore. i really don't.
there are wonderful things about the internet, cable tv, ipods, smart phones, and the like, but they also serve to distract and suck me into a vortex and keep me at arms' length. even from myself.
there must be balance. somewhere in between the vortex and utter techno-avoidance is where i want to fall, ultimately. now if i can just figure out how to make that work, i'll be getting somewhere....
Sunday, April 17, 2011
spring can really hang you up the most....
spring has officially sprung, with all its weird weather and allergy-inducing air pollutants. living downtown, i don't get as much pollen, but i can attest that geography doesn't help as much as it could with allergies when you're living here in the midatlantic. oh well, some cocktail of claritin, zyrtec, and singulair should help my sneezy, itchy, wheezy self (i hope).
i recently bought a new computer and, as a result, am in the process of not only relocating all of my electronic files but my 'paper' files as well (in addition to my desk, printer, and other such nonsense). there's no time like the present to do a bit of purging, i say.
what this has meant, though, is weeks and weeks of disarray and piles of 'stuff' waiting to be filed, organized, trashed, etc., and i gotta say - it's messing with my sense of equilibrium. and for someone who's in the state i'm already in, that's not exactly helpful.
but i must plow ahead nevertheless. once begun is half done; the busy bee hath no time for sorrow; you know the drill....
yeah, so all of this is great in theory, but then there are the two hours i got sidetracked re-reading old journal entries from 2000, and the four hours i got sidetracked playing a game on my new computer; and the...well, you get the drift. the bottom line is that i'm procrastinating, ok?
so it's nearly dinner time, and my office is still a mess, but now i'm also grumpy and feeling like i wish i'd never started in on the project. i'm fairly certain those people with the bonfire theory of dealing with old stuff are onto something.
i'm going to go drink some water and read my nook, or something else equally as diverting. so much for spring cleaning....
i recently bought a new computer and, as a result, am in the process of not only relocating all of my electronic files but my 'paper' files as well (in addition to my desk, printer, and other such nonsense). there's no time like the present to do a bit of purging, i say.
what this has meant, though, is weeks and weeks of disarray and piles of 'stuff' waiting to be filed, organized, trashed, etc., and i gotta say - it's messing with my sense of equilibrium. and for someone who's in the state i'm already in, that's not exactly helpful.
but i must plow ahead nevertheless. once begun is half done; the busy bee hath no time for sorrow; you know the drill....
yeah, so all of this is great in theory, but then there are the two hours i got sidetracked re-reading old journal entries from 2000, and the four hours i got sidetracked playing a game on my new computer; and the...well, you get the drift. the bottom line is that i'm procrastinating, ok?
so it's nearly dinner time, and my office is still a mess, but now i'm also grumpy and feeling like i wish i'd never started in on the project. i'm fairly certain those people with the bonfire theory of dealing with old stuff are onto something.
i'm going to go drink some water and read my nook, or something else equally as diverting. so much for spring cleaning....
Sunday, March 20, 2011
oh how i long to be thee, rip van winkle
all day long, i have drifted in and out of the transom of sleep and wakefulness. although my eyes are open, my brain feeds simultaneously on external stimuli and subconscious fodder. i am alert and dreaming. it is not necessarily the best place to be on a sunday afternoon.
tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, there are meetings to attend and spreadsheets to update and questions to answer. and i am ready to do all of the above. really, i am.
but right now, i just want to let myself fall into soft pillows, to crawl under cool sheets, soaked in sunlight, and sleep until there are no more dreams to be had.
good God, how i have waited for rest. how i wait, even still.
tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, there are meetings to attend and spreadsheets to update and questions to answer. and i am ready to do all of the above. really, i am.
but right now, i just want to let myself fall into soft pillows, to crawl under cool sheets, soaked in sunlight, and sleep until there are no more dreams to be had.
good God, how i have waited for rest. how i wait, even still.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
a pre-new year's to-do list
now that christmas is over (and it was wonderful, btw: filled with lots of relaxing, cookie-baking, puzzle-doing, laughing with my parents, and generally spending time feeling thankful for the richly provided-for life i lead), i have a week off to enjoy before returning to work. i'm on day 2, and i've done, sadly, nothing yet, except go to the car dealership for two hours this morning so they could replace a blown fuse and check my bluetooth). i'm feeling the need to get productive, though, so that i don't entirely waste this free time....
in no particular order, here are the things i want to accomplish sometime this week:
1. visit with the extended family (this will be accomplished later today)
2. dust and vacuum my entire apartment
3. clean both bathrooms, particularly mine
4. do a pantry 'cleansing' to prepare for #5
5. meal plan and prepare as many meals as possible for the coming weeks
6. grocery shop (see #5)
7. work on a top-secret craft project
8. put away my few christmas decorations: baby tree, snowman chef ornaments, lights (although i might wait until the week after new year's, since i really am enjoying the lights)
9. back up computer files to external hard drive
10. go through some of my bajillion magazines to either give away or recycle
11. make some merry for new year's eve
12. take my laptop to geek squad and figure out if i can afford to have someone fix it!
a dozen seems like a good place to stop. no need to get myself completely overwhelmed. although, while i'm at it, here are some longer range goals for 2011:
1. go through cookbook collection and make some decisions about which ones can go their merry way (sell online or at ukazoo, donate to friends)
2. procure a newer printer/scanner
3. really organize my files by creating digital copies of must-save items (see #2) and purge, purge, purge what i don't have to keep
4. read down the stack of books waiting for my busy eyeballs
5. watch less tv, for crying out loud
6. get back together with the gym
7. get back together with WW
8. buy some new clothes (long overdue)
9. send more snail mail or donate stationery to someone who will use it!
10. pare down unused items (including books)
11. soak in my tub more so i can use my lavendar-chamomile bubble bath
12. fight the winter blahs with more herbal tea and invigorating salt scrubs
13. find some volunteer opportunities (and maybe invite friends to join?)
14. figure out whether to move or stay put
15. plan a trip somewhere fun
hmm....this is a good start. i'm sure that more will come to me as the months wear on. i feel like none of these goals are unreasonable, so i have no reason not to end 2011 feeling accomplished.
i'm trying to set myself up for success in 2011. 2010 brought its highs and lows (probably more highs than lows, if i'm looking at things objectively), but i'm ready for another level of awesomeness. so, welcome, new year. better days are ahead. i just know it.
in no particular order, here are the things i want to accomplish sometime this week:
1. visit with the extended family (this will be accomplished later today)
2. dust and vacuum my entire apartment
3. clean both bathrooms, particularly mine
4. do a pantry 'cleansing' to prepare for #5
5. meal plan and prepare as many meals as possible for the coming weeks
6. grocery shop (see #5)
7. work on a top-secret craft project
8. put away my few christmas decorations: baby tree, snowman chef ornaments, lights (although i might wait until the week after new year's, since i really am enjoying the lights)
9. back up computer files to external hard drive
10. go through some of my bajillion magazines to either give away or recycle
11. make some merry for new year's eve
12. take my laptop to geek squad and figure out if i can afford to have someone fix it!
a dozen seems like a good place to stop. no need to get myself completely overwhelmed. although, while i'm at it, here are some longer range goals for 2011:
1. go through cookbook collection and make some decisions about which ones can go their merry way (sell online or at ukazoo, donate to friends)
2. procure a newer printer/scanner
3. really organize my files by creating digital copies of must-save items (see #2) and purge, purge, purge what i don't have to keep
4. read down the stack of books waiting for my busy eyeballs
5. watch less tv, for crying out loud
6. get back together with the gym
7. get back together with WW
8. buy some new clothes (long overdue)
9. send more snail mail or donate stationery to someone who will use it!
10. pare down unused items (including books)
11. soak in my tub more so i can use my lavendar-chamomile bubble bath
12. fight the winter blahs with more herbal tea and invigorating salt scrubs
13. find some volunteer opportunities (and maybe invite friends to join?)
14. figure out whether to move or stay put
15. plan a trip somewhere fun
hmm....this is a good start. i'm sure that more will come to me as the months wear on. i feel like none of these goals are unreasonable, so i have no reason not to end 2011 feeling accomplished.
i'm trying to set myself up for success in 2011. 2010 brought its highs and lows (probably more highs than lows, if i'm looking at things objectively), but i'm ready for another level of awesomeness. so, welcome, new year. better days are ahead. i just know it.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
'like the corners of my mind....'
this morning i had to sort through some boxes of cards and photos to locate a baby pic or two to take with me to a shower i'm attending today. and as i was sifting through all these treasures, i found some cards from my grandparents, notes from old friends, and the hundreds of things my best friend has written me over the years. and i couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with the love contained inside those cardboard structures. i was also reminded, unfortunately, of how much i've lost...of how some of those people whose handwriting graces birthday cards or whose faces smile in pictures are no longer in this world. my grandpa al, my grandma jane, my friend polly...i shed tears for them all this morning.
and then there are people with whom i've sort of lost touch. i mean, i know where in the world they are, but our lives have taken different paths. this is the case, really, with a number of friends whose memories line those boxes. and the whole experience had me thinking....can you ever really go back?
i've made efforts over time to keep in touch with various people—and really, facebook has helped me to reconnect with a lot of people from my younger days—but the daily grind kicks back in so quickly and it's really, really hard to sustain those connections beyond something utterly superficial. and in truth, i think we're not really meant to turn around. life is lived in forward motion. if one chooses to interact with people from the past, it has to be about who they are NOW, not who they were then. and what i've learned is that some of us have never really grown up much. i see the faces of people who are still clinging to their teenage selves, still drinking like they're in college, still trying to avoid their own realities. and as much as i get that, on some level, i just can't be there.
no, see, i'm done pretending the way that 18-year-old me used to feel she had to do in order to get by. i'm done living in a big game of charades and comedy sketches, and 'what would you really think of me if you knew what i was thinking'-type scenarios. i prefer to look you in the eye and just be me, unabashed. and the me that i am now might not be super palatable to some people who've called me 'friend' over the years. i mean, sure, i haven't turned into a jerk or anything, but i've also come to this place where i no longer feel the need to live up to others' expectations. and some of my more zealous ways have been tempered into something a bit more...well....reasonable for me and where i live my life these days.
so while it's lovely and heartwarming (and, at times, sad) to sift through what i was and where i went and who i was with, i want to see what today will bring...what memories there are to be made in THIS space, at THIS time, with the beautiful people around me. and i welcome tomorrow with open arms and the hope that my future 'looking backs' will find much sweetness and very little sorrow. for now, though, head up, eyes open. onward....
and then there are people with whom i've sort of lost touch. i mean, i know where in the world they are, but our lives have taken different paths. this is the case, really, with a number of friends whose memories line those boxes. and the whole experience had me thinking....can you ever really go back?
i've made efforts over time to keep in touch with various people—and really, facebook has helped me to reconnect with a lot of people from my younger days—but the daily grind kicks back in so quickly and it's really, really hard to sustain those connections beyond something utterly superficial. and in truth, i think we're not really meant to turn around. life is lived in forward motion. if one chooses to interact with people from the past, it has to be about who they are NOW, not who they were then. and what i've learned is that some of us have never really grown up much. i see the faces of people who are still clinging to their teenage selves, still drinking like they're in college, still trying to avoid their own realities. and as much as i get that, on some level, i just can't be there.
no, see, i'm done pretending the way that 18-year-old me used to feel she had to do in order to get by. i'm done living in a big game of charades and comedy sketches, and 'what would you really think of me if you knew what i was thinking'-type scenarios. i prefer to look you in the eye and just be me, unabashed. and the me that i am now might not be super palatable to some people who've called me 'friend' over the years. i mean, sure, i haven't turned into a jerk or anything, but i've also come to this place where i no longer feel the need to live up to others' expectations. and some of my more zealous ways have been tempered into something a bit more...well....reasonable for me and where i live my life these days.
so while it's lovely and heartwarming (and, at times, sad) to sift through what i was and where i went and who i was with, i want to see what today will bring...what memories there are to be made in THIS space, at THIS time, with the beautiful people around me. and i welcome tomorrow with open arms and the hope that my future 'looking backs' will find much sweetness and very little sorrow. for now, though, head up, eyes open. onward....
Thursday, November 11, 2010
'n-y-c, what is it about you?'
tomorrow morning, i board a bus for the big apple. no, not to go catch my big break...just a weekend away visiting good friends. i must say, i'm a little anxious about it, though. sure, i live in a city, but it's not THE city....the raucous, unforgiving, overblown streets of manhattan that swallow you up and spit you out all at once. baltimore is much more of an underdog's kind of town. and i'm beginning to think that i am the consummate underdog....
anyway, i digress.
i have a couple of goals: have great hang time with my peops, enjoy a couple days out of dodge, see something(s) beautiful, and eat something(s) delish. this shouldn't be too hard, i'm thinking.
the truth is, though, i wish i were brave enough to go to that town and sink or swim for a year or so. but i'm not sure that i am. i'm not sure whether the salient point is that new york is too much for me, or i'm not enough for new york. either way, i'll board the bus and do my thing, and then i'll board it home again.
wish me luck.
anyway, i digress.
i have a couple of goals: have great hang time with my peops, enjoy a couple days out of dodge, see something(s) beautiful, and eat something(s) delish. this shouldn't be too hard, i'm thinking.
the truth is, though, i wish i were brave enough to go to that town and sink or swim for a year or so. but i'm not sure that i am. i'm not sure whether the salient point is that new york is too much for me, or i'm not enough for new york. either way, i'll board the bus and do my thing, and then i'll board it home again.
wish me luck.
Monday, November 08, 2010
the return of fall (and me)
gee, golly, it's been awhile. i'm still here. really, i am. in fact, i've started and abandoned no fewer than five blog posts over the last two months. let's see if this one sticks, shall we?
too much to chronicle of what's been going on, so i'll just pick up from today and head forward. work has been insanely busy. my personal life has been equally so, and i'm trying to mentally prepare for a weekend away in NYC ('what is it about you?' kudos to you if you know where that comes from....). i'm super excited to be staying with two dear friends, but i'm also feeling a little overwhelmed at, well, how big that city is and how much there is to DO. i think what i need to do is take all the pressure off of myself to find 'fun' and just remember that i'm there to enjoy the company. besides, i'm too exhausted to exhaust myself further (and then have to start back up at work on monday morning)....
which leads me to my next thought: all i want is some uninterrupted time alone to sleep and just be. i cannot believe that christmas is a mere six weeks away, and all i find myself asking is where the heck has the fall gone??
with the hectic pace of the day-to-day, there seems to be less and less time for enjoying just being in the city right now. on friday, the simple pleasure of walking home from jury duty astounded me with the awareness that i'm never just out and about in the streets, interacting with the wind and the smells and the sounds of life around me. i need more humanity in my day....in my life....
for now, though, i'll settle for some mindless tv, a glass of icy cold water, and the hope of pleasant dreams to carry me into tuesday.
too much to chronicle of what's been going on, so i'll just pick up from today and head forward. work has been insanely busy. my personal life has been equally so, and i'm trying to mentally prepare for a weekend away in NYC ('what is it about you?' kudos to you if you know where that comes from....). i'm super excited to be staying with two dear friends, but i'm also feeling a little overwhelmed at, well, how big that city is and how much there is to DO. i think what i need to do is take all the pressure off of myself to find 'fun' and just remember that i'm there to enjoy the company. besides, i'm too exhausted to exhaust myself further (and then have to start back up at work on monday morning)....
which leads me to my next thought: all i want is some uninterrupted time alone to sleep and just be. i cannot believe that christmas is a mere six weeks away, and all i find myself asking is where the heck has the fall gone??
with the hectic pace of the day-to-day, there seems to be less and less time for enjoying just being in the city right now. on friday, the simple pleasure of walking home from jury duty astounded me with the awareness that i'm never just out and about in the streets, interacting with the wind and the smells and the sounds of life around me. i need more humanity in my day....in my life....
for now, though, i'll settle for some mindless tv, a glass of icy cold water, and the hope of pleasant dreams to carry me into tuesday.
Friday, September 10, 2010
enter illness, stage left....
weeks of working too hard and too much and not getting enough sleep finally took their toll on me. late last week i woke up with a sore throat and, within 3 days, had a bad chest cold/bronchitis. i've been diligently resting and staying home, doing very little (i spent all of labor day weekend/salimah's birthday in bed, in fact), and i'm finally starting to get some energy back. as i've been doped up on codeine, it seems the world has continued on its merry way, and i gotta say—i'm not enjoying feeling so disconnected from my life and from other people.
but, despite all of this, i'm at home on a friday night doing laundry, working, and trying to rest up as much as possible. one week from tomorrow i leave for the ocean, and it pretty much can't come soon enough. i am LONG overdue for some time out of dodge and i'm hoping the sound of the waves will give me some much-needed perspective.
between now and then, there are miles to go....and with that, the dryer just buzzed. there's my cue!
but, despite all of this, i'm at home on a friday night doing laundry, working, and trying to rest up as much as possible. one week from tomorrow i leave for the ocean, and it pretty much can't come soon enough. i am LONG overdue for some time out of dodge and i'm hoping the sound of the waves will give me some much-needed perspective.
between now and then, there are miles to go....and with that, the dryer just buzzed. there's my cue!
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
1,464
is the number of e-mails i deleted today in honor of september 1, 2005. and boy, let me tell you, did it feel GOOD.
onward!
onward!
Monday, August 30, 2010
'the answer, my friend....'
at the risk of baring my soul here, i have to take a moment and speak 'aloud' (a.k.a. fingers to keyboard) some truths that have been gradually surfacing in my mind and, therefore, my life. see, for a long time now, i was kind of shut down to my own emotions about certain areas of my life, because, quite honestly, it was easier to 'go there' than to feel the disappointment in its place. work has been busy with new challenges and opportunities, and i didn't have to try that hard to dig in and give myself the space to pursue my career, all the while knowing that there were parts of my life that were getting no air time. to be honest, this wasn't ideal for me, but the relative barrenness of my social landscape seemed to create the opportunity for a time of pulling back.
well, i had that time, and i was grateful for it, in a way, because it was very clarifying for me. and as a result, i came to a few conclusions.
first (and foremost), i am ready for a great adventure, whatever that may mean. in a conversation with a friend recently, i was mentioning some aspect of a past relationship that had always frustrated me, and the other person said, quite plainly, 'it doesn't sound like you're past all of that.' this statement caused me to sit back for a second and listen to those words i had just spoken and ask myself how they must have sounded coming out of my mouth. and i realized in that moment that my friend's statement wasn't the truth. the truth was that i hadn't changed the way i was talking about the situation, even though my feelings had changed.
this small kernel of awareness began to enlighten other areas of my thinking and made me realize that, in the area of relationships, i have been feeling more and more ready to be out there, to give and receive the love i've got inside of me, but hadn't yet said it to myself, to God, to the vast unknown.
so last week, i was in my car late in the evening, driving down the dirty, barren streets of my city, and i just began to speak my own truth out loud. i can't say that i was entirely praying, but i can't say that i wasn't. i just knew that everything inside of me - my fears and hopes and intentions - needed to come out and be given the air time they deserved. and the most important outcome of all of this is not so much that my world turned on a dime, but that i began to really open up, more expectant of and ready to receive all the beauty and love and good things that can come my way. (and, by extension, that anything UNhelpful can go....)
this has clearly been a long time coming and it couldn't have happened at a better moment in the grand scheme of things. a couple of weeks ago, i posted as my facebook status that i am 'open to possibility.' well, i just AM, and since cracking open the door to my heart, i am here to say that i have already noticed a shift in the wind....
methinks it's time to let my hair down....
well, i had that time, and i was grateful for it, in a way, because it was very clarifying for me. and as a result, i came to a few conclusions.
first (and foremost), i am ready for a great adventure, whatever that may mean. in a conversation with a friend recently, i was mentioning some aspect of a past relationship that had always frustrated me, and the other person said, quite plainly, 'it doesn't sound like you're past all of that.' this statement caused me to sit back for a second and listen to those words i had just spoken and ask myself how they must have sounded coming out of my mouth. and i realized in that moment that my friend's statement wasn't the truth. the truth was that i hadn't changed the way i was talking about the situation, even though my feelings had changed.
this small kernel of awareness began to enlighten other areas of my thinking and made me realize that, in the area of relationships, i have been feeling more and more ready to be out there, to give and receive the love i've got inside of me, but hadn't yet said it to myself, to God, to the vast unknown.
so last week, i was in my car late in the evening, driving down the dirty, barren streets of my city, and i just began to speak my own truth out loud. i can't say that i was entirely praying, but i can't say that i wasn't. i just knew that everything inside of me - my fears and hopes and intentions - needed to come out and be given the air time they deserved. and the most important outcome of all of this is not so much that my world turned on a dime, but that i began to really open up, more expectant of and ready to receive all the beauty and love and good things that can come my way. (and, by extension, that anything UNhelpful can go....)
this has clearly been a long time coming and it couldn't have happened at a better moment in the grand scheme of things. a couple of weeks ago, i posted as my facebook status that i am 'open to possibility.' well, i just AM, and since cracking open the door to my heart, i am here to say that i have already noticed a shift in the wind....
methinks it's time to let my hair down....
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
tap.... tap.... is this thing on?
it is now, officially, safe to assume that no one is reading my blog anymore. it's just as well, though, because i probably have a few things to say that most people don't need to read....then again, that's a topic for another day.
in the meantime, here i am, standing on the cusp of the end of summer...the end of fetid and stifling and all things sweat-inducing. frankly, as hard as this past winter was, i welcome the onslaught of chilly nights and leaves strewn across roadways and all the 'stuff' that fall conjures up.
so with all of the anticipation of good things (including a LONG overdue vacation, less than a month away), i find myself also sitting here with a pile of feelings i don't know what to do with. all i know is that i'm trying to be open to whatever God has for me right now...to whatever life is throwing in my direction...yet at the same time, i find myself wondering just what is it that i'm being open FOR?
the answer will come in due time, i know, but right now there are simply questions.
i will say this, however: i sure would love to have someone to share the glory of fall with me this year. it might make some of the questions a little easier to answer...or maybe not worth answering at all.
we'll see....
in the meantime, here i am, standing on the cusp of the end of summer...the end of fetid and stifling and all things sweat-inducing. frankly, as hard as this past winter was, i welcome the onslaught of chilly nights and leaves strewn across roadways and all the 'stuff' that fall conjures up.
so with all of the anticipation of good things (including a LONG overdue vacation, less than a month away), i find myself also sitting here with a pile of feelings i don't know what to do with. all i know is that i'm trying to be open to whatever God has for me right now...to whatever life is throwing in my direction...yet at the same time, i find myself wondering just what is it that i'm being open FOR?
the answer will come in due time, i know, but right now there are simply questions.
i will say this, however: i sure would love to have someone to share the glory of fall with me this year. it might make some of the questions a little easier to answer...or maybe not worth answering at all.
we'll see....
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