dear Lord, i pray for your mercy on this nation.

what's coming next?

delicious


the view from my office window

the breeze is simply yummy today. quite cool, just how i like it. it's making me want to bake something. perhaps a cake is in order....yes, i think a lemon one with triple sec/vanilla frosting will do. and then perhaps some italian food (meatballs with pasta and homemade sauce) for dinner. i need to reconnect with my kitchen. i feel we've been out of synch.

in other news, i'm running a load of laundry and contemplating lunch (leftovers from last night, most likely). i should do a bit of shopping at some point this weekend. i need to pick up some fresh veggies and a few other dairy items.

i'll be meeting some friends for lunch tomorrow at la madeleine. such a throwback to my time in monty county. i am looking forward to tomato basil soup and some kind of puff pastry number.

now i'm off to throw my clothes in the dryer and plot out the rest of my afternoon....

did i mention that i love time off?!

go figure

i've just finished a small plate of chicken with mushrooms in wine sauce over pasta (made by yours truly) and i've got a blueberry/peach/apricot crisp in the oven (about which i'm feeling rather psyched), but i must say: something ain't right. i was so hungry earlier that i felt this weird pain inside (and not just hunger - beyond that), but then just before eating, i felt really ill suddenly and not in the mood to ingest any food.

honestly, i don't think things have been quite right since that whole 'stomach flu debacle.'

but hey, i'm a trooper, and i'm supposing that a bit of vanilla ice cream and some baked fruit won't be hard to choke down....i know, it's rough, but someone's gotta do it. might as well be me....:)

organization

having just paid my exhorbitant insurance bill, i am now sitting at my desk trying to decide what part of my apartment will get my attention today.  i have about 10 days off before i start my new job(!!!), so i'm trying to use the time wisely.

i just have this need to want to be more settled and arranged before things start getting too busy for me to see straight

hmm...i'm thinking that the closet in my office is whining for some serious attention....

road trip

i managed to take no actual pictures of richmond this past weekend, but here were a few shots from the car ride up and back. enjoy!


it's enough to be on your way....


there were three trees in a field....the father, the son, and the holy spirit:)



these clouds were magnificent. really. this picture does no justice to them.

i am sorry to say that i missed taking a picture of this humped animal that i prayed was a llama (instead of something deformed and likely shunned by its fellow pasture-dwellers). i also missed getting a shot of this cute little church that would be perfect for a fall wedding. oh, yes, and i completely and utterly forgot to take pics of my parents and their beautiful new house. oh well. next time:)....

the verdict

tonight, i spent some time watching the democratic national convention.  am i a democrat?  no.  will i be voting for john kerry in november?  not likely.  but is that the point?  not in the least. 

i watched the convention because i needed a jolt of reality.  a sobering moment, if you will, to look at the state of mind and heart of some citizens in this country.  to see the faces of rabid people swarming in a frenzy over the hope that some political candidate will be able to impact their lives - and hearts and families and the other things they hold dear - in a permanent, profound way.  (and please do not misunderstand me here; i am not under the impression that the republican convention will be any different.)

let me say this while i have a chance: i do not hold the belief that it is possible to be that consumed with politics and in a similar way consumed with the person and work of Jesus Christ.

and as a citizen of God's kingdom, it is my duty to concern myself first and foremost with the goings-on of His word, His spirit, His heart.  as the (sometimes sappy but in a gosh-don'tcha-love-his-songs kind of way) Christian artist ray boltz so appropriately penned, 'i pledge allegiance to the Lamb....'  you read that right.  not to the flag, not to my president or my country or any organization, group, or party. 

so will i be voting in the presidential election this fall?  yes, because i feel like it's my responsibility as a citizen of this country in which God has placed me.  but will the outcome of this election, will my political party affiliation, will my support or rejection of any social issue or economic agenda make or break my acknowledgement of truth at the end of the day?  no way.  not now.  not ever. 

'now the years have come and the years have gone, but the cause of Jesus still goes on.  and now our time has come to count the cost, to reject this world, and embrace the cross.  and one by one let us live our lives for the One who died to give us life.  till the trumpet sounds on the final day, let us proudly stand and boldly say, 'i pledge allegiance to the Lamb, with all my strength, with all i am.  i will seek to honor His command.  i pledge allegiance to the Lamb.'

to the Lamb of God who bore my pain, who took my place, who wore my shame, i will seek to honor His commands. I pledge allegiance to the Lamb.' (lyrics by ray boltz)

note: for some interesting perspectives on this and other issues, please visit christian counter culture dot org.

and now, for a brief announcement from our sponsors....

i am in serious, frosty LOVE, people.  i mean, really.  i couldn't love this stuff anymore if i tried.  tonight,  i got my second 'gelati' from rita's.  their gelati is not like a traditional gelato, although i will say that their frozen custard is dense and buttery.  and they take this custard (either chocolate or vanilla) and layer it with the most delicious fruit ice and the combination is simply heaven. 

you know it's bad when you start planning road trips through locations so that you can go to a rita's on your way.  did i mention i'll be hitting the one in waldorf, md on my way down and back to and from richmond this weekend? 

i believe the words you're looking for are 'hells yeah!'  (please pardon my language)

oh, and as a brief p.s., i'm feeling 100% better, thanks for asking:)

down for the count

i woke up this morning with a churning inside me that can only mean one thing: a stomach virus. 

this is no good....

 

silence
 
'when someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time - the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers.  gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone.  just when the day comes - when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever - there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.' - john irving (from 'a prayer for owen meany')
 
this was the day of the funeral last year.  i spent my day today unpacking the boxes of a man who makes my heart swell.  last year, i buried the heart of my childhood.  this year, i uncover and prepare the heart of myself as a woman, a place that is home. 
 
and i'm ready for all of that.  and i ache for all of that.
 
but still, sitting alone in my house tonight, i'm a little girl all over again and the warm, salty rivers still flow down my cheeks.
 
 

one year

the sun was shining that morning when the phone rang. i heard my mother's voice on the other end telling me, 'we lost her.' she was crying, driving in her car alone from virginia to pennsylvania. i knew immediately that i would drive those roads that day as well, starting out from somewhere along the way. so i gathered a bag of my things and set out for my mountains. as i drove the winding highway through farmlands and fields, the sun blinding my eyes, i cried out all the tears that had been waiting to come - all my emotions intermingled and flowing.

it had only been just a week before that i had driven these same roads, on the way to see my grandmother lying in a hospital bed. she had never been the weak one, the sick one, the one in need. she was always head nurse, caretaker, strong one. and seeing her that day, helpless, thin, weak, i had lost it completely. i left the room and began sobbing in the hall, my defenses completely down and fear washing over me. 'dear God,' i prayed, 'please help her.'

i did manage to spend some time visiting with her that day. i had planned to come back the next afternoon to visit again, but as i left the hospital room that night, i just knew in my heart that was the last time i would see her alive. by that time, they had put her on a forced-air machine to help her breathe, and the only thing that was bright in that whole place was her shining blue eyes as she faintly waved goodbye. later that night, she went on a ventilator, and she never woke up again. 9 days later, she was gone.

driving the road back to pennsylvania on that sunshine-filled day, all i could think about were those eyes, her laugh, her smile, her hands - that i'd never be able to sit and talk with her again the way i had when i was a little girl. and my heart hurt, because so much was gone from me. so much had been gone for such a long time. my grandfather, the farm where they lived, the place where i could always go to escape - to be myself for awhile. i felt the last vestige of my childhood die in that moment.

and then, relief swelled in my heart - coupled with a guilt for its presence. her health had been failing for the last few years, and i worried all the time how much longer she had. there is a peace in death, because at least you know what lies ahead of you. there would be no suffering, no ventilators, no hospital beds. nothing. just the years of memories and the clothes and pictures and things in her drawers.

when i arrived in pennsylvania that afternoon, my mom looked very small and tired. the connectedness with one's own humanity that comes along with death is staggering. suddenly, jobs and money and commitments don't matter. all that counts is here and now and the hurt inside. we spent an important evening together talking, crying, laughing, and just being together.

as i looked for pictures that evening to place in a collage for the funeral, i found things that amazed and touched me - a box of love letters from my grandfather during world war II, a list of birthday cards she had intended to write (including some for the more 'forgotten' members of the family), a few she had written but had not yet mailed. her heart for others on a page, tucked inside a hallmark envelope.

my grandmother left behind a legacy the likes of which i cannot contain in this small piece of writing. her heart for others, her generosity, her calm spirit, her determination, her steadfastness, her honor - these were all qualities that i have not seen contained in quite that same way in anyone else i have ever met.

it has been one year since i lost her. one year since the light left those blue eyes for good. she had a profound impact on the person i am today, and her death left a scar that will never fade. i am not the same. i never will be.
 

moving on

yesterday i spent roughly 9 hours putting michael's life into boxes so that he can leave the city proper and move a mere 3 miles from my current abode. i'm so excited that he'll be closer to me - and to his non-work life. and he'll have his own place, which is even better. God has really been in the midst of this whole scene. it's been a pretty quick maneuver, however, since the decision to take this apartment just happened within the last 5 days, and already he's moving next weekend. thankfully, we made a huge dent yesterday and i feel pretty good about the prospects of getting him done by next saturday night.

in other news, i had some very paradigm-shifting thoughts earlier about a former relationship - about which i realize i needed to experience healing in my heart. a lot has happened since i woke up this morning.

and if i'm not mistaken, i just took another step forward.

matrix ping pong

okay, now this is hilarious to me:).

enjoy!

'mad, sir?'
'ah yes, mad indeed. but observe how they do light up the sky....'

well, my birthday has come and gone and i must say, it was a success. between my party last weekend to my clothes shopping adventure on july 1 (complete with license renewal) and delicious dinner with michael and salimah at roy's restaurant (hawaiian fusion cuisine) - not to mention my macked-out presents, including new rice cooker, digital camera, and a host of books and other goodies - i felt cherished and celebrated by the people that matter to me the most.

and yesterday, michael and i journeyed to catonsville to the han ah reum korean supermarket and picked up a nice collection of delectable treats (which i plan to devour later today, complemented by some sticky rice in my new cooker) and then came back to my place and made three kinds of won tons: crabmeat and cheese, spinach and green onion, and pork, onion and carrot. the dipping sauces were varied (homemade sweet and sour, a vinegary soy with toasted sesame seeds, and a creamy peanut and sherry were my favorites) and we talked and laughed and enjoyed our little feast on these lovely dipping plates and platter that i had received as a birthday gift from friends.

and now it is 1:35 on sunday afternoon and i have just returned from what can only be described as a mini 'adventure.' michael and i decided to visit this church that i had passed by one morning on my way elsewhere. first let me say that while i am in no way opposed to the concept of being one of only 6 white people in a church setting (i felt very welcomed and comfortable in this decidedly urban, 'black' church), i actually prefer more ethnic/racial diversity than a church filled with all of any one race. that is to say, i don't feel particularly comfortable in a church of all white people, or all black people, or all asian people, etc. i believe that, just as the kingdom of God is all about every tribe, tongue, and nation, the church should, in my estimation be a reflection of that. in addition to that, of course, i also want to be able to connect with people on a personal level and i want a pastor that i feel comfortable talking to - someone who could really support and advise and lead me in this walk.

anyway, this place was nice, very comfortable, and not big but not small either. they had a gospel choir that was pretty good, but it was hard to hear the singing, because the band was REALLY loud. in fact, pretty much everything was REALLY loud. we had to leave early because when the sermon did finally start (after an hour and 15 minutes of other activities), it was making my ears throb. michael was in pain, too, so we snuck out the back door. just as we got outside, however, it was immediately apparent that we were parked in by another car. so then michael had to summon one of the ushers who - thank God - knew whose car it was and was able to move it. by this point, it was raining rather steadily and i just felt it was time to go.

i have to say that, while i won't be going back there, i appreciate what that body of believers is doing. and i can see the place they have in this community. they seem like a thriving bunch, and i'm encouraged by that. i'm just pretty sure that, at this point in my life, my place is not among them. so i will continue the search for where i'm supposed to be.

oh, and even though i'm not much for trekking out to find fireworks shows, last night, we heard some decidedly explosion-type noises and went out on my balcony to find a fireworks show happening somewhere north of me. so we stood in the darkness and watched the sky bursting with colors and light. and i was glad to be with michael, glad for it to be summer, thankful for where i live and where i am and for this country i call home.

so happy independence day, everyone. may God bless america and all who reside herein. now onto the next adventure....

Vintage Grace

These days, I am obsessed with anything old school. My friendship with Sarah is old school to the core. Our friendship is a throwback to an era of “best friends” and “lifelong pals.” She is my road trip companion, my sounding board, the person who does not consider it her job to make me comfortable, but rather, to make me uncomfortable with mediocrity, bad choices, and deficits in my character. Sometimes we chafe each other with our idiosyncratic differences, but we also charm each other, bail each other out, and are each other’s safe place.

In this era of transient relationships, where being a “friend who sticks closer than a brother,” may be deemed old fashioned, I am so glad Sarah is cut from vintage cloth. Her sensibilities are grand in scale, Victorian in essence, antiquated, but relevant traditions that include a clear sense of right and wrong, common sense, and a true sense of sophistication infused with fun and light-heartedness.

For just over one year, I had the privilege of working with Sarah. She came on board at my company to help with a major editing project. I was on the verge of drowning because the task was so huge, so impossible to get arms around. Even though she was not hired to be an editor, I knew that I could trust her to work in tandem with me. After a few weeks, she was, for all intents and purposes, operating in the same capacity as me, fully and autonomously functioning...and saving my life once again. Even though the organization she slaved for never changed her classification to permanent, she was their second of two editors, and whether they will ever realize it or not, she has vigorously contributed to any credibility they may have in the public eye. This, too, is vintage. I am awed by her commitment, steeped in things instilled by her parents and grandparents, to never sell herself short by attaching her name to anything slipshod.

God strategically places Sarah in all areas of my life to shine His light there. He strategically places Sarah in the lives of many to serve as His voice of wisdom and compassion.

And now, on this, her 29th birthday, she is starting over--being equipped for her life's calling, facing the world with courage, and leaping over things that have tried to destroy her in a single bound.

I tip my hat to you, Lady. You are the essence of grace.

Love,

Salimah

and this is what i was....

'do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. and that is what some of you were. BUT you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.' (1 corinthians 6:10-11 - emphasis mine)

mercy, Lord...what mercy.

the 99 'most important' questions (courtesy of this guy's site

1. dark or light chocolate? dark
2. sunrise or sunset? sunset
3. black ink or blue ink? black
4. CDs or records? CDs
5. ballpoint or roller? roller, if it's a good one.
6. digital watches or traditional? traditional
7. fish or steak? BEEF, it's what's for dinner.
8. French or Italian? hmm....this is a toughie. italian.
9. bar soap or liquid? liquid for hands, bar for the shower.
10. vanilla or chocolate? vanilla with chocolate in it.
11. Muldar or Scully? i wasn't an x-files fan, but i'm going for scully.
12. black and white or color? for photos, b&w; for movies, color
13. Coca Cola or Ginger Ale? coke is it.
14. long or short fingernails? for men, short; for women, medium length
15. Mick or Keith? um...neither. they both skeev me out.
16. typewritten or handwritten? handwritten
17. lights on or off? on (i'm sure this question has deeper meaning, but i'm choosing the surface answer)
18. coffee or tea? tea
19. Rodan or Godzilla? eh?
20. cotton or silk underwear? cotton
21. black or white? both
22. glasses or contacts? glasses
23. morning or evening? morning
24. cats or dogs? cats
25. Bogart or Bacall? seriously, who cares about this?
26. dessert first or last? last
27. leather or wool? depends on the object. for a coat, wool, but there is nothing like the smell of good leather....:)
28. Doberman Pinscher or bulldog? yellow lab:)
29. rain or snow? rain
30. meat sauce or marinara? meat
31. John or Paul? paul
32. ice cream or sherbet? ice cream
33. Casablanca or The Third Man? i've never seen 'the third man' and 'casablanca' wasn't that great of a film.
34. peanuts or cashews? cashews
35. Boy George or Curious George? curious george
36. taste or smell? you can't have taste without smell
37. sooner or later? depends....some things are worth waiting for:)
38. trains or planes? trains
39. cut grass or woodsmoke? cut grass
40. lipstick or chapstick? chapstick
41. Frankenstein or Dracula? frankly, neither, but i guess dracula if i have to choose
42. khakis or jeans? hmm. it's a toss-up.
43. paperback or hardcover? hardcover
44. steam or sauna? isn't a sauna a steam room? i'm not feeling that. i prefer being in water.
45. video or TV? dvd all the way
46. subway or bus? subway
47. bath or shower? i like baths, but i still shower at the end of them
48. New York or LA? new york
49. e-mail or snail mail? snail mail
50. portraits or landscapes? landscapes
51. big mouth or big eyes? big eyes
52. books or movies? books
53. neat or comfortable? comfortable, which also involves some neatness
54. summer or winter? autumn
55. mountains or beach? mountains and ocean
56. silence or noise? silence
57. pants or skirts? pants
58. music or silence? music
59. you and I or me and you? you and i
60. long or short hair? long
61. perfume or perspiration? perfume, but only some kinds
62. comedy or horror? comedy
63. jam or butter? both:)
64. velvet or silk? silk
65. country or city? country
66. Persian carpets or hardwood floor? hardwood floor
67. cake or pie? pie
68. Monroe or Madonna? neither interests me.
69. wool or cashmere? cashmere
70. regular or premium? regular
71. boxers or briefs? boxer-briefs
72. garters or pantyhose? neither
73. car or motorcycle? car
74. bagels or toast? bagel
75. Hitchcock or Poirot? hmm....i like them both. i loved poirot as a child:)
76. red wine or white wine? red
77. beard or smooth? smooth
78. sail or swim? go swimming and then for a sail:)
79. modern or antique? if we're talking furniture, some of both. appliances, modern.
80. grass or sand? grass
81. movies or films? films
82. lemon or lime? lemon
83. bed or couch? bed
84. stockings or bare skin? bare skin
85. inside or outside? inside looking out
86. opera or rock 'n roll? jazz
87. sneakers or boots? sneakers
88. London or Paris? paris
89. flats or pumps? flats or chunky heels
90. pencil or pen? pen
91. crosswords or editorials? crosswords
92. cinnamon or spearmint gum? cinnamon
93. Old Star Trek or Star Trek, The Next Generation? ask michael:)
94. tent or hotel room? hotel!!
95. drip or espresso? espresso, but then make an event of it
96. rafting or boating? boating
97. elevator or stairs? elevator
98. convertible or sunroof? sunroof
99. love or lust? love

i'm fairly certain i do not have the words for this

if i could let you inside my brain, this would be so much easier, but i had a fantastic weekend. to the untrained eye, nothing 'earth-shattering' happened. i attended a conference in north carolina, ate some bbq, hung out with michael and my folks, and then came home. in my soul, however, things are different. i am different. my view of my life is...well....different.

i've known for awhile now that God has called me to minister to those who are struggling to know him but are held back by their hurts and fears. specifically, i feel led to reach out to those who are sexually broken. this would seem to include a lot of people - and it does - but i guess specifically, i have a heart for those who are struggling with homosexuality and/or the after-effects of sexual abuse. i know i haven't spoken very openly about a lot of my views thus far. perhaps times are going to be changing, because i do have things to say about these issues. and while my opinions are very strong, my beliefs are even stronger. and i do know one thing: God has all of this well in hand. not just my life, but the state of this country, and of all humanity. and there are those whose lives He has changed and rearranged - the once hardened hearts that have been broken by His cords of loving kindness. this includes people from every background, every experience, every nation, tribe, and tongue.

i'm so excited to see where in this puzzle i might fit. i'm looking into some opportunities to serve locally and am praying about where to go next. it's a daunting task, and much of the church doesn't want to deal with these specific issues head-on. but no matter, because i believe that God does, and in the end, He is the one whose opinion matters in all of this.

a lot of hatred has fueled a lot of hurt in this world, and there is a battle being waged even now. that hate may try its hardest to swallow all of humanity, but it is love that will triumph in the end. it is that love that drives me forward. love came here. love walked here. love lived and died and rose again.

love won out.

i have four words for you....

oh my heavenly goodness.

i have a weird scar on my hand

i'm not even sure why, but some little bump i had about 6 months ago never really healed, and it left behind it an even weirder bump. sometimes it fascinates me, and i wonder if, when i'm 80, it will still be there....

my grandmother's sister died last week, but i didn't get to go to the funeral, because i was completely exhausted by the new part-time job i'm doing. i had been up basically all night on thursday, and i realized something: i am FAR too old for this kind of behavior. gone are the days when i could stay up until the wee hours of the morning and then bounce back after one good night's rest. now, i feel groggy for a good three or four days on end. i'm recovering even still....

and in other news, i've joined a book club with salimah and some other friends. our first book looks to be a good one, and amazon should be bringing it my way any day now....

in other, OTHER news, i scored some fun stuffs at target yesterday for my upcoming birthday festivities, and i am looking forward to sleeping tonight.

and now, as randomly as i have come, i'm out....

countdown

exactly one month from today, i will turn 29. i will warn you (a.k.a., the 5 people who actually read my blog) that it's likely all retrospectives and reminiscences from here....