silence
'when someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time - the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. just when the day comes - when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever - there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.' - john irving (from 'a prayer for owen meany')
this was the day of the funeral last year. i spent my day today unpacking the boxes of a man who makes my heart swell. last year, i buried the heart of my childhood. this year, i uncover and prepare the heart of myself as a woman, a place that is home.
and i'm ready for all of that. and i ache for all of that.
but still, sitting alone in my house tonight, i'm a little girl all over again and the warm, salty rivers still flow down my cheeks.
Monday, July 19, 2004
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
one year
the sun was shining that morning when the phone rang. i heard my mother's voice on the other end telling me, 'we lost her.' she was crying, driving in her car alone from virginia to pennsylvania. i knew immediately that i would drive those roads that day as well, starting out from somewhere along the way. so i gathered a bag of my things and set out for my mountains. as i drove the winding highway through farmlands and fields, the sun blinding my eyes, i cried out all the tears that had been waiting to come - all my emotions intermingled and flowing.
it had only been just a week before that i had driven these same roads, on the way to see my grandmother lying in a hospital bed. she had never been the weak one, the sick one, the one in need. she was always head nurse, caretaker, strong one. and seeing her that day, helpless, thin, weak, i had lost it completely. i left the room and began sobbing in the hall, my defenses completely down and fear washing over me. 'dear God,' i prayed, 'please help her.'
i did manage to spend some time visiting with her that day. i had planned to come back the next afternoon to visit again, but as i left the hospital room that night, i just knew in my heart that was the last time i would see her alive. by that time, they had put her on a forced-air machine to help her breathe, and the only thing that was bright in that whole place was her shining blue eyes as she faintly waved goodbye. later that night, she went on a ventilator, and she never woke up again. 9 days later, she was gone.
driving the road back to pennsylvania on that sunshine-filled day, all i could think about were those eyes, her laugh, her smile, her hands - that i'd never be able to sit and talk with her again the way i had when i was a little girl. and my heart hurt, because so much was gone from me. so much had been gone for such a long time. my grandfather, the farm where they lived, the place where i could always go to escape - to be myself for awhile. i felt the last vestige of my childhood die in that moment.
and then, relief swelled in my heart - coupled with a guilt for its presence. her health had been failing for the last few years, and i worried all the time how much longer she had. there is a peace in death, because at least you know what lies ahead of you. there would be no suffering, no ventilators, no hospital beds. nothing. just the years of memories and the clothes and pictures and things in her drawers.
when i arrived in pennsylvania that afternoon, my mom looked very small and tired. the connectedness with one's own humanity that comes along with death is staggering. suddenly, jobs and money and commitments don't matter. all that counts is here and now and the hurt inside. we spent an important evening together talking, crying, laughing, and just being together.
as i looked for pictures that evening to place in a collage for the funeral, i found things that amazed and touched me - a box of love letters from my grandfather during world war II, a list of birthday cards she had intended to write (including some for the more 'forgotten' members of the family), a few she had written but had not yet mailed. her heart for others on a page, tucked inside a hallmark envelope.
my grandmother left behind a legacy the likes of which i cannot contain in this small piece of writing. her heart for others, her generosity, her calm spirit, her determination, her steadfastness, her honor - these were all qualities that i have not seen contained in quite that same way in anyone else i have ever met.
it has been one year since i lost her. one year since the light left those blue eyes for good. she had a profound impact on the person i am today, and her death left a scar that will never fade. i am not the same. i never will be.
the sun was shining that morning when the phone rang. i heard my mother's voice on the other end telling me, 'we lost her.' she was crying, driving in her car alone from virginia to pennsylvania. i knew immediately that i would drive those roads that day as well, starting out from somewhere along the way. so i gathered a bag of my things and set out for my mountains. as i drove the winding highway through farmlands and fields, the sun blinding my eyes, i cried out all the tears that had been waiting to come - all my emotions intermingled and flowing.
it had only been just a week before that i had driven these same roads, on the way to see my grandmother lying in a hospital bed. she had never been the weak one, the sick one, the one in need. she was always head nurse, caretaker, strong one. and seeing her that day, helpless, thin, weak, i had lost it completely. i left the room and began sobbing in the hall, my defenses completely down and fear washing over me. 'dear God,' i prayed, 'please help her.'
i did manage to spend some time visiting with her that day. i had planned to come back the next afternoon to visit again, but as i left the hospital room that night, i just knew in my heart that was the last time i would see her alive. by that time, they had put her on a forced-air machine to help her breathe, and the only thing that was bright in that whole place was her shining blue eyes as she faintly waved goodbye. later that night, she went on a ventilator, and she never woke up again. 9 days later, she was gone.
driving the road back to pennsylvania on that sunshine-filled day, all i could think about were those eyes, her laugh, her smile, her hands - that i'd never be able to sit and talk with her again the way i had when i was a little girl. and my heart hurt, because so much was gone from me. so much had been gone for such a long time. my grandfather, the farm where they lived, the place where i could always go to escape - to be myself for awhile. i felt the last vestige of my childhood die in that moment.
and then, relief swelled in my heart - coupled with a guilt for its presence. her health had been failing for the last few years, and i worried all the time how much longer she had. there is a peace in death, because at least you know what lies ahead of you. there would be no suffering, no ventilators, no hospital beds. nothing. just the years of memories and the clothes and pictures and things in her drawers.
when i arrived in pennsylvania that afternoon, my mom looked very small and tired. the connectedness with one's own humanity that comes along with death is staggering. suddenly, jobs and money and commitments don't matter. all that counts is here and now and the hurt inside. we spent an important evening together talking, crying, laughing, and just being together.
as i looked for pictures that evening to place in a collage for the funeral, i found things that amazed and touched me - a box of love letters from my grandfather during world war II, a list of birthday cards she had intended to write (including some for the more 'forgotten' members of the family), a few she had written but had not yet mailed. her heart for others on a page, tucked inside a hallmark envelope.
my grandmother left behind a legacy the likes of which i cannot contain in this small piece of writing. her heart for others, her generosity, her calm spirit, her determination, her steadfastness, her honor - these were all qualities that i have not seen contained in quite that same way in anyone else i have ever met.
it has been one year since i lost her. one year since the light left those blue eyes for good. she had a profound impact on the person i am today, and her death left a scar that will never fade. i am not the same. i never will be.
Monday, July 12, 2004
moving on
yesterday i spent roughly 9 hours putting michael's life into boxes so that he can leave the city proper and move a mere 3 miles from my current abode. i'm so excited that he'll be closer to me - and to his non-work life. and he'll have his own place, which is even better. God has really been in the midst of this whole scene. it's been a pretty quick maneuver, however, since the decision to take this apartment just happened within the last 5 days, and already he's moving next weekend. thankfully, we made a huge dent yesterday and i feel pretty good about the prospects of getting him done by next saturday night.
in other news, i had some very paradigm-shifting thoughts earlier about a former relationship - about which i realize i needed to experience healing in my heart. a lot has happened since i woke up this morning.
and if i'm not mistaken, i just took another step forward.
yesterday i spent roughly 9 hours putting michael's life into boxes so that he can leave the city proper and move a mere 3 miles from my current abode. i'm so excited that he'll be closer to me - and to his non-work life. and he'll have his own place, which is even better. God has really been in the midst of this whole scene. it's been a pretty quick maneuver, however, since the decision to take this apartment just happened within the last 5 days, and already he's moving next weekend. thankfully, we made a huge dent yesterday and i feel pretty good about the prospects of getting him done by next saturday night.
in other news, i had some very paradigm-shifting thoughts earlier about a former relationship - about which i realize i needed to experience healing in my heart. a lot has happened since i woke up this morning.
and if i'm not mistaken, i just took another step forward.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Sunday, July 04, 2004
'mad, sir?'
'ah yes, mad indeed. but observe how they do light up the sky....'
well, my birthday has come and gone and i must say, it was a success. between my party last weekend to my clothes shopping adventure on july 1 (complete with license renewal) and delicious dinner with michael and salimah at roy's restaurant (hawaiian fusion cuisine) - not to mention my macked-out presents, including new rice cooker, digital camera, and a host of books and other goodies - i felt cherished and celebrated by the people that matter to me the most.
and yesterday, michael and i journeyed to catonsville to the han ah reum korean supermarket and picked up a nice collection of delectable treats (which i plan to devour later today, complemented by some sticky rice in my new cooker) and then came back to my place and made three kinds of won tons: crabmeat and cheese, spinach and green onion, and pork, onion and carrot. the dipping sauces were varied (homemade sweet and sour, a vinegary soy with toasted sesame seeds, and a creamy peanut and sherry were my favorites) and we talked and laughed and enjoyed our little feast on these lovely dipping plates and platter that i had received as a birthday gift from friends.
and now it is 1:35 on sunday afternoon and i have just returned from what can only be described as a mini 'adventure.' michael and i decided to visit this church that i had passed by one morning on my way elsewhere. first let me say that while i am in no way opposed to the concept of being one of only 6 white people in a church setting (i felt very welcomed and comfortable in this decidedly urban, 'black' church), i actually prefer more ethnic/racial diversity than a church filled with all of any one race. that is to say, i don't feel particularly comfortable in a church of all white people, or all black people, or all asian people, etc. i believe that, just as the kingdom of God is all about every tribe, tongue, and nation, the church should, in my estimation be a reflection of that. in addition to that, of course, i also want to be able to connect with people on a personal level and i want a pastor that i feel comfortable talking to - someone who could really support and advise and lead me in this walk.
anyway, this place was nice, very comfortable, and not big but not small either. they had a gospel choir that was pretty good, but it was hard to hear the singing, because the band was REALLY loud. in fact, pretty much everything was REALLY loud. we had to leave early because when the sermon did finally start (after an hour and 15 minutes of other activities), it was making my ears throb. michael was in pain, too, so we snuck out the back door. just as we got outside, however, it was immediately apparent that we were parked in by another car. so then michael had to summon one of the ushers who - thank God - knew whose car it was and was able to move it. by this point, it was raining rather steadily and i just felt it was time to go.
i have to say that, while i won't be going back there, i appreciate what that body of believers is doing. and i can see the place they have in this community. they seem like a thriving bunch, and i'm encouraged by that. i'm just pretty sure that, at this point in my life, my place is not among them. so i will continue the search for where i'm supposed to be.
oh, and even though i'm not much for trekking out to find fireworks shows, last night, we heard some decidedly explosion-type noises and went out on my balcony to find a fireworks show happening somewhere north of me. so we stood in the darkness and watched the sky bursting with colors and light. and i was glad to be with michael, glad for it to be summer, thankful for where i live and where i am and for this country i call home.
so happy independence day, everyone. may God bless america and all who reside herein. now onto the next adventure....
'ah yes, mad indeed. but observe how they do light up the sky....'
well, my birthday has come and gone and i must say, it was a success. between my party last weekend to my clothes shopping adventure on july 1 (complete with license renewal) and delicious dinner with michael and salimah at roy's restaurant (hawaiian fusion cuisine) - not to mention my macked-out presents, including new rice cooker, digital camera, and a host of books and other goodies - i felt cherished and celebrated by the people that matter to me the most.
and yesterday, michael and i journeyed to catonsville to the han ah reum korean supermarket and picked up a nice collection of delectable treats (which i plan to devour later today, complemented by some sticky rice in my new cooker) and then came back to my place and made three kinds of won tons: crabmeat and cheese, spinach and green onion, and pork, onion and carrot. the dipping sauces were varied (homemade sweet and sour, a vinegary soy with toasted sesame seeds, and a creamy peanut and sherry were my favorites) and we talked and laughed and enjoyed our little feast on these lovely dipping plates and platter that i had received as a birthday gift from friends.
and now it is 1:35 on sunday afternoon and i have just returned from what can only be described as a mini 'adventure.' michael and i decided to visit this church that i had passed by one morning on my way elsewhere. first let me say that while i am in no way opposed to the concept of being one of only 6 white people in a church setting (i felt very welcomed and comfortable in this decidedly urban, 'black' church), i actually prefer more ethnic/racial diversity than a church filled with all of any one race. that is to say, i don't feel particularly comfortable in a church of all white people, or all black people, or all asian people, etc. i believe that, just as the kingdom of God is all about every tribe, tongue, and nation, the church should, in my estimation be a reflection of that. in addition to that, of course, i also want to be able to connect with people on a personal level and i want a pastor that i feel comfortable talking to - someone who could really support and advise and lead me in this walk.
anyway, this place was nice, very comfortable, and not big but not small either. they had a gospel choir that was pretty good, but it was hard to hear the singing, because the band was REALLY loud. in fact, pretty much everything was REALLY loud. we had to leave early because when the sermon did finally start (after an hour and 15 minutes of other activities), it was making my ears throb. michael was in pain, too, so we snuck out the back door. just as we got outside, however, it was immediately apparent that we were parked in by another car. so then michael had to summon one of the ushers who - thank God - knew whose car it was and was able to move it. by this point, it was raining rather steadily and i just felt it was time to go.
i have to say that, while i won't be going back there, i appreciate what that body of believers is doing. and i can see the place they have in this community. they seem like a thriving bunch, and i'm encouraged by that. i'm just pretty sure that, at this point in my life, my place is not among them. so i will continue the search for where i'm supposed to be.
oh, and even though i'm not much for trekking out to find fireworks shows, last night, we heard some decidedly explosion-type noises and went out on my balcony to find a fireworks show happening somewhere north of me. so we stood in the darkness and watched the sky bursting with colors and light. and i was glad to be with michael, glad for it to be summer, thankful for where i live and where i am and for this country i call home.
so happy independence day, everyone. may God bless america and all who reside herein. now onto the next adventure....
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Vintage Grace
These days, I am obsessed with anything old school. My friendship with Sarah is old school to the core. Our friendship is a throwback to an era of “best friends” and “lifelong pals.” She is my road trip companion, my sounding board, the person who does not consider it her job to make me comfortable, but rather, to make me uncomfortable with mediocrity, bad choices, and deficits in my character. Sometimes we chafe each other with our idiosyncratic differences, but we also charm each other, bail each other out, and are each other’s safe place.
In this era of transient relationships, where being a “friend who sticks closer than a brother,” may be deemed old fashioned, I am so glad Sarah is cut from vintage cloth. Her sensibilities are grand in scale, Victorian in essence, antiquated, but relevant traditions that include a clear sense of right and wrong, common sense, and a true sense of sophistication infused with fun and light-heartedness.
For just over one year, I had the privilege of working with Sarah. She came on board at my company to help with a major editing project. I was on the verge of drowning because the task was so huge, so impossible to get arms around. Even though she was not hired to be an editor, I knew that I could trust her to work in tandem with me. After a few weeks, she was, for all intents and purposes, operating in the same capacity as me, fully and autonomously functioning...and saving my life once again. Even though the organization she slaved for never changed her classification to permanent, she was their second of two editors, and whether they will ever realize it or not, she has vigorously contributed to any credibility they may have in the public eye. This, too, is vintage. I am awed by her commitment, steeped in things instilled by her parents and grandparents, to never sell herself short by attaching her name to anything slipshod.
God strategically places Sarah in all areas of my life to shine His light there. He strategically places Sarah in the lives of many to serve as His voice of wisdom and compassion.
And now, on this, her 29th birthday, she is starting over--being equipped for her life's calling, facing the world with courage, and leaping over things that have tried to destroy her in a single bound.
I tip my hat to you, Lady. You are the essence of grace.
Love,
Salimah
These days, I am obsessed with anything old school. My friendship with Sarah is old school to the core. Our friendship is a throwback to an era of “best friends” and “lifelong pals.” She is my road trip companion, my sounding board, the person who does not consider it her job to make me comfortable, but rather, to make me uncomfortable with mediocrity, bad choices, and deficits in my character. Sometimes we chafe each other with our idiosyncratic differences, but we also charm each other, bail each other out, and are each other’s safe place.
In this era of transient relationships, where being a “friend who sticks closer than a brother,” may be deemed old fashioned, I am so glad Sarah is cut from vintage cloth. Her sensibilities are grand in scale, Victorian in essence, antiquated, but relevant traditions that include a clear sense of right and wrong, common sense, and a true sense of sophistication infused with fun and light-heartedness.
For just over one year, I had the privilege of working with Sarah. She came on board at my company to help with a major editing project. I was on the verge of drowning because the task was so huge, so impossible to get arms around. Even though she was not hired to be an editor, I knew that I could trust her to work in tandem with me. After a few weeks, she was, for all intents and purposes, operating in the same capacity as me, fully and autonomously functioning...and saving my life once again. Even though the organization she slaved for never changed her classification to permanent, she was their second of two editors, and whether they will ever realize it or not, she has vigorously contributed to any credibility they may have in the public eye. This, too, is vintage. I am awed by her commitment, steeped in things instilled by her parents and grandparents, to never sell herself short by attaching her name to anything slipshod.
God strategically places Sarah in all areas of my life to shine His light there. He strategically places Sarah in the lives of many to serve as His voice of wisdom and compassion.
And now, on this, her 29th birthday, she is starting over--being equipped for her life's calling, facing the world with courage, and leaping over things that have tried to destroy her in a single bound.
I tip my hat to you, Lady. You are the essence of grace.
Love,
Salimah
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
and this is what i was....
'do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. and that is what some of you were. BUT you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.' (1 corinthians 6:10-11 - emphasis mine)
mercy, Lord...what mercy.
'do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. and that is what some of you were. BUT you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.' (1 corinthians 6:10-11 - emphasis mine)
mercy, Lord...what mercy.
Friday, June 18, 2004
the 99 'most important' questions (courtesy of this guy's site
1. dark or light chocolate? dark
2. sunrise or sunset? sunset
3. black ink or blue ink? black
4. CDs or records? CDs
5. ballpoint or roller? roller, if it's a good one.
6. digital watches or traditional? traditional
7. fish or steak? BEEF, it's what's for dinner.
8. French or Italian? hmm....this is a toughie. italian.
9. bar soap or liquid? liquid for hands, bar for the shower.
10. vanilla or chocolate? vanilla with chocolate in it.
11. Muldar or Scully? i wasn't an x-files fan, but i'm going for scully.
12. black and white or color? for photos, b&w; for movies, color
13. Coca Cola or Ginger Ale? coke is it.
14. long or short fingernails? for men, short; for women, medium length
15. Mick or Keith? um...neither. they both skeev me out.
16. typewritten or handwritten? handwritten
17. lights on or off? on (i'm sure this question has deeper meaning, but i'm choosing the surface answer)
18. coffee or tea? tea
19. Rodan or Godzilla? eh?
20. cotton or silk underwear? cotton
21. black or white? both
22. glasses or contacts? glasses
23. morning or evening? morning
24. cats or dogs? cats
25. Bogart or Bacall? seriously, who cares about this?
26. dessert first or last? last
27. leather or wool? depends on the object. for a coat, wool, but there is nothing like the smell of good leather....:)
28. Doberman Pinscher or bulldog? yellow lab:)
29. rain or snow? rain
30. meat sauce or marinara? meat
31. John or Paul? paul
32. ice cream or sherbet? ice cream
33. Casablanca or The Third Man? i've never seen 'the third man' and 'casablanca' wasn't that great of a film.
34. peanuts or cashews? cashews
35. Boy George or Curious George? curious george
36. taste or smell? you can't have taste without smell
37. sooner or later? depends....some things are worth waiting for:)
38. trains or planes? trains
39. cut grass or woodsmoke? cut grass
40. lipstick or chapstick? chapstick
41. Frankenstein or Dracula? frankly, neither, but i guess dracula if i have to choose
42. khakis or jeans? hmm. it's a toss-up.
43. paperback or hardcover? hardcover
44. steam or sauna? isn't a sauna a steam room? i'm not feeling that. i prefer being in water.
45. video or TV? dvd all the way
46. subway or bus? subway
47. bath or shower? i like baths, but i still shower at the end of them
48. New York or LA? new york
49. e-mail or snail mail? snail mail
50. portraits or landscapes? landscapes
51. big mouth or big eyes? big eyes
52. books or movies? books
53. neat or comfortable? comfortable, which also involves some neatness
54. summer or winter? autumn
55. mountains or beach? mountains and ocean
56. silence or noise? silence
57. pants or skirts? pants
58. music or silence? music
59. you and I or me and you? you and i
60. long or short hair? long
61. perfume or perspiration? perfume, but only some kinds
62. comedy or horror? comedy
63. jam or butter? both:)
64. velvet or silk? silk
65. country or city? country
66. Persian carpets or hardwood floor? hardwood floor
67. cake or pie? pie
68. Monroe or Madonna? neither interests me.
69. wool or cashmere? cashmere
70. regular or premium? regular
71. boxers or briefs? boxer-briefs
72. garters or pantyhose? neither
73. car or motorcycle? car
74. bagels or toast? bagel
75. Hitchcock or Poirot? hmm....i like them both. i loved poirot as a child:)
76. red wine or white wine? red
77. beard or smooth? smooth
78. sail or swim? go swimming and then for a sail:)
79. modern or antique? if we're talking furniture, some of both. appliances, modern.
80. grass or sand? grass
81. movies or films? films
82. lemon or lime? lemon
83. bed or couch? bed
84. stockings or bare skin? bare skin
85. inside or outside? inside looking out
86. opera or rock 'n roll? jazz
87. sneakers or boots? sneakers
88. London or Paris? paris
89. flats or pumps? flats or chunky heels
90. pencil or pen? pen
91. crosswords or editorials? crosswords
92. cinnamon or spearmint gum? cinnamon
93. Old Star Trek or Star Trek, The Next Generation? ask michael:)
94. tent or hotel room? hotel!!
95. drip or espresso? espresso, but then make an event of it
96. rafting or boating? boating
97. elevator or stairs? elevator
98. convertible or sunroof? sunroof
99. love or lust? love
1. dark or light chocolate? dark
2. sunrise or sunset? sunset
3. black ink or blue ink? black
4. CDs or records? CDs
5. ballpoint or roller? roller, if it's a good one.
6. digital watches or traditional? traditional
7. fish or steak? BEEF, it's what's for dinner.
8. French or Italian? hmm....this is a toughie. italian.
9. bar soap or liquid? liquid for hands, bar for the shower.
10. vanilla or chocolate? vanilla with chocolate in it.
11. Muldar or Scully? i wasn't an x-files fan, but i'm going for scully.
12. black and white or color? for photos, b&w; for movies, color
13. Coca Cola or Ginger Ale? coke is it.
14. long or short fingernails? for men, short; for women, medium length
15. Mick or Keith? um...neither. they both skeev me out.
16. typewritten or handwritten? handwritten
17. lights on or off? on (i'm sure this question has deeper meaning, but i'm choosing the surface answer)
18. coffee or tea? tea
19. Rodan or Godzilla? eh?
20. cotton or silk underwear? cotton
21. black or white? both
22. glasses or contacts? glasses
23. morning or evening? morning
24. cats or dogs? cats
25. Bogart or Bacall? seriously, who cares about this?
26. dessert first or last? last
27. leather or wool? depends on the object. for a coat, wool, but there is nothing like the smell of good leather....:)
28. Doberman Pinscher or bulldog? yellow lab:)
29. rain or snow? rain
30. meat sauce or marinara? meat
31. John or Paul? paul
32. ice cream or sherbet? ice cream
33. Casablanca or The Third Man? i've never seen 'the third man' and 'casablanca' wasn't that great of a film.
34. peanuts or cashews? cashews
35. Boy George or Curious George? curious george
36. taste or smell? you can't have taste without smell
37. sooner or later? depends....some things are worth waiting for:)
38. trains or planes? trains
39. cut grass or woodsmoke? cut grass
40. lipstick or chapstick? chapstick
41. Frankenstein or Dracula? frankly, neither, but i guess dracula if i have to choose
42. khakis or jeans? hmm. it's a toss-up.
43. paperback or hardcover? hardcover
44. steam or sauna? isn't a sauna a steam room? i'm not feeling that. i prefer being in water.
45. video or TV? dvd all the way
46. subway or bus? subway
47. bath or shower? i like baths, but i still shower at the end of them
48. New York or LA? new york
49. e-mail or snail mail? snail mail
50. portraits or landscapes? landscapes
51. big mouth or big eyes? big eyes
52. books or movies? books
53. neat or comfortable? comfortable, which also involves some neatness
54. summer or winter? autumn
55. mountains or beach? mountains and ocean
56. silence or noise? silence
57. pants or skirts? pants
58. music or silence? music
59. you and I or me and you? you and i
60. long or short hair? long
61. perfume or perspiration? perfume, but only some kinds
62. comedy or horror? comedy
63. jam or butter? both:)
64. velvet or silk? silk
65. country or city? country
66. Persian carpets or hardwood floor? hardwood floor
67. cake or pie? pie
68. Monroe or Madonna? neither interests me.
69. wool or cashmere? cashmere
70. regular or premium? regular
71. boxers or briefs? boxer-briefs
72. garters or pantyhose? neither
73. car or motorcycle? car
74. bagels or toast? bagel
75. Hitchcock or Poirot? hmm....i like them both. i loved poirot as a child:)
76. red wine or white wine? red
77. beard or smooth? smooth
78. sail or swim? go swimming and then for a sail:)
79. modern or antique? if we're talking furniture, some of both. appliances, modern.
80. grass or sand? grass
81. movies or films? films
82. lemon or lime? lemon
83. bed or couch? bed
84. stockings or bare skin? bare skin
85. inside or outside? inside looking out
86. opera or rock 'n roll? jazz
87. sneakers or boots? sneakers
88. London or Paris? paris
89. flats or pumps? flats or chunky heels
90. pencil or pen? pen
91. crosswords or editorials? crosswords
92. cinnamon or spearmint gum? cinnamon
93. Old Star Trek or Star Trek, The Next Generation? ask michael:)
94. tent or hotel room? hotel!!
95. drip or espresso? espresso, but then make an event of it
96. rafting or boating? boating
97. elevator or stairs? elevator
98. convertible or sunroof? sunroof
99. love or lust? love
Monday, June 14, 2004
i'm fairly certain i do not have the words for this
if i could let you inside my brain, this would be so much easier, but i had a fantastic weekend. to the untrained eye, nothing 'earth-shattering' happened. i attended a conference in north carolina, ate some bbq, hung out with michael and my folks, and then came home. in my soul, however, things are different. i am different. my view of my life is...well....different.
i've known for awhile now that God has called me to minister to those who are struggling to know him but are held back by their hurts and fears. specifically, i feel led to reach out to those who are sexually broken. this would seem to include a lot of people - and it does - but i guess specifically, i have a heart for those who are struggling with homosexuality and/or the after-effects of sexual abuse. i know i haven't spoken very openly about a lot of my views thus far. perhaps times are going to be changing, because i do have things to say about these issues. and while my opinions are very strong, my beliefs are even stronger. and i do know one thing: God has all of this well in hand. not just my life, but the state of this country, and of all humanity. and there are those whose lives He has changed and rearranged - the once hardened hearts that have been broken by His cords of loving kindness. this includes people from every background, every experience, every nation, tribe, and tongue.
i'm so excited to see where in this puzzle i might fit. i'm looking into some opportunities to serve locally and am praying about where to go next. it's a daunting task, and much of the church doesn't want to deal with these specific issues head-on. but no matter, because i believe that God does, and in the end, He is the one whose opinion matters in all of this.
a lot of hatred has fueled a lot of hurt in this world, and there is a battle being waged even now. that hate may try its hardest to swallow all of humanity, but it is love that will triumph in the end. it is that love that drives me forward. love came here. love walked here. love lived and died and rose again.
love won out.
if i could let you inside my brain, this would be so much easier, but i had a fantastic weekend. to the untrained eye, nothing 'earth-shattering' happened. i attended a conference in north carolina, ate some bbq, hung out with michael and my folks, and then came home. in my soul, however, things are different. i am different. my view of my life is...well....different.
i've known for awhile now that God has called me to minister to those who are struggling to know him but are held back by their hurts and fears. specifically, i feel led to reach out to those who are sexually broken. this would seem to include a lot of people - and it does - but i guess specifically, i have a heart for those who are struggling with homosexuality and/or the after-effects of sexual abuse. i know i haven't spoken very openly about a lot of my views thus far. perhaps times are going to be changing, because i do have things to say about these issues. and while my opinions are very strong, my beliefs are even stronger. and i do know one thing: God has all of this well in hand. not just my life, but the state of this country, and of all humanity. and there are those whose lives He has changed and rearranged - the once hardened hearts that have been broken by His cords of loving kindness. this includes people from every background, every experience, every nation, tribe, and tongue.
i'm so excited to see where in this puzzle i might fit. i'm looking into some opportunities to serve locally and am praying about where to go next. it's a daunting task, and much of the church doesn't want to deal with these specific issues head-on. but no matter, because i believe that God does, and in the end, He is the one whose opinion matters in all of this.
a lot of hatred has fueled a lot of hurt in this world, and there is a battle being waged even now. that hate may try its hardest to swallow all of humanity, but it is love that will triumph in the end. it is that love that drives me forward. love came here. love walked here. love lived and died and rose again.
love won out.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Monday, June 07, 2004
i have a weird scar on my hand
i'm not even sure why, but some little bump i had about 6 months ago never really healed, and it left behind it an even weirder bump. sometimes it fascinates me, and i wonder if, when i'm 80, it will still be there....
my grandmother's sister died last week, but i didn't get to go to the funeral, because i was completely exhausted by the new part-time job i'm doing. i had been up basically all night on thursday, and i realized something: i am FAR too old for this kind of behavior. gone are the days when i could stay up until the wee hours of the morning and then bounce back after one good night's rest. now, i feel groggy for a good three or four days on end. i'm recovering even still....
and in other news, i've joined a book club with salimah and some other friends. our first book looks to be a good one, and amazon should be bringing it my way any day now....
in other, OTHER news, i scored some fun stuffs at target yesterday for my upcoming birthday festivities, and i am looking forward to sleeping tonight.
and now, as randomly as i have come, i'm out....
i'm not even sure why, but some little bump i had about 6 months ago never really healed, and it left behind it an even weirder bump. sometimes it fascinates me, and i wonder if, when i'm 80, it will still be there....
my grandmother's sister died last week, but i didn't get to go to the funeral, because i was completely exhausted by the new part-time job i'm doing. i had been up basically all night on thursday, and i realized something: i am FAR too old for this kind of behavior. gone are the days when i could stay up until the wee hours of the morning and then bounce back after one good night's rest. now, i feel groggy for a good three or four days on end. i'm recovering even still....
and in other news, i've joined a book club with salimah and some other friends. our first book looks to be a good one, and amazon should be bringing it my way any day now....
in other, OTHER news, i scored some fun stuffs at target yesterday for my upcoming birthday festivities, and i am looking forward to sleeping tonight.
and now, as randomly as i have come, i'm out....
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Sunday, May 30, 2004
if you had told me then, i would not have believed you....
about once a week, in a random moment, i find myself reviewing the geography of my life over the last five years. like, for instance, how in may of '99, i was SO over this town. it seemed fortuitous, then, that salimah and i, after both feeling led to move to gaithersburg to become part of a church, packed up all our belongings and left baltimore (i thought, perhaps, for good). and then, by summer of that same year, how i had already started to feel the pit in the center of my stomach, fearing a bad decision had been made. but in my stubbornness, i refused to believe this and pushed forward with my dream of fitting in at this place and finding a husband there and settling down with our children for the rest of our lives.
and how i was some degree of unemployed for months on end. and how we had no food in the cabinets and how it was a LITERAL miracle that my bills got paid.
and how, even after two full years of trying to make things work - even after getting decent jobs and a better place to live - everything still felt wrong.
and so, after three years of what now to me feels like exile, we returned to charm city (whether or not for good, who knows). and my lungs opened up and let me breathe again.
it is no wonder to me that every time i drive back into monty county, i begin to feel a kind of sick washing over me. it is not that i regret leaving baltimore the first time. i think that, ultimately, it had to happen for a LOT of other things to be brought about in my life. and for that, i am immeasurably grateful. but still, if i am being honest, i will admit that there are a lot of experiences that i had down there that i would, if i could, take back and erase from my memory. and in my heart, i do not ever want to live there again.
but today, i will drive there with salimah to meet up with two of the small handful of pleasant memories that came out of that experience. and then later, i will return to the one home i really feel i have at this point. and i don't just mean my apartment. my life is here. my heart is here. even in uncertainty, i want to be here. at least for now....
about once a week, in a random moment, i find myself reviewing the geography of my life over the last five years. like, for instance, how in may of '99, i was SO over this town. it seemed fortuitous, then, that salimah and i, after both feeling led to move to gaithersburg to become part of a church, packed up all our belongings and left baltimore (i thought, perhaps, for good). and then, by summer of that same year, how i had already started to feel the pit in the center of my stomach, fearing a bad decision had been made. but in my stubbornness, i refused to believe this and pushed forward with my dream of fitting in at this place and finding a husband there and settling down with our children for the rest of our lives.
and how i was some degree of unemployed for months on end. and how we had no food in the cabinets and how it was a LITERAL miracle that my bills got paid.
and how, even after two full years of trying to make things work - even after getting decent jobs and a better place to live - everything still felt wrong.
and so, after three years of what now to me feels like exile, we returned to charm city (whether or not for good, who knows). and my lungs opened up and let me breathe again.
it is no wonder to me that every time i drive back into monty county, i begin to feel a kind of sick washing over me. it is not that i regret leaving baltimore the first time. i think that, ultimately, it had to happen for a LOT of other things to be brought about in my life. and for that, i am immeasurably grateful. but still, if i am being honest, i will admit that there are a lot of experiences that i had down there that i would, if i could, take back and erase from my memory. and in my heart, i do not ever want to live there again.
but today, i will drive there with salimah to meet up with two of the small handful of pleasant memories that came out of that experience. and then later, i will return to the one home i really feel i have at this point. and i don't just mean my apartment. my life is here. my heart is here. even in uncertainty, i want to be here. at least for now....
Sunday, May 23, 2004
dirge
i could not extract myself from the hot shower just now. i mean, really, i tried, but it kept pulling me back into its comfort. it is the only place these days where i feel i can think clearly. everything occurs to me in that little 'room' of walls and glass. i pray. He speaks. i listen. i feel....
and so it was that, under that river of clean, i began to think about death and how its occurence is necessary for anything to truly live. i find it so beautiful and fitting that it is the decay of mulch and fertilizer that produces such radiant flowers, vegetables, and other growing things....the sacrifice now that yields the beauty then.
and, in a way, it is the dying of our child-selves that makes room for the emergence of who we are as grown people. but it isn't as though we become something wholly new. there are still shadows of our 'former' selves lingering around, waiting for an opportune moment to peek in and remind us of the place from which we came.
it occurs to me that not everyone experiences this death in the same way. some people have such a gradual progression into adulthood that the transition is seamless and without effect. others have age and experience thrust upon them and they are left to grieve and mourn the loss of innocence taken too soon. some people are living with one foot in either world at all times.
as for me, i don't know that i was ever really that young....i mean, i know i was, but i have felt the weight of anxiety and typically 'adult' concerns pressing into my heart since i was probably 4 or 5 years of age. and now, as an almost 30-year old, i live in a world that i'm desiring to see through those young eyes...to gain the perspective that was never mine to lose.
when i came to know Christ, there were parts of me that experienced immediate finality...a new life had been birthed inside my soul, and it was necessary for some ways and thoughts to die in order to make room for what had begun. God, i feel that i need a refresher course in dying. i want to see what you see. i want to live wholly and without regret. i want to be pushed deep into the earth, only to return renewed and more beautiful than before.
so bring on the mourners; it's funeral time....
i could not extract myself from the hot shower just now. i mean, really, i tried, but it kept pulling me back into its comfort. it is the only place these days where i feel i can think clearly. everything occurs to me in that little 'room' of walls and glass. i pray. He speaks. i listen. i feel....
and so it was that, under that river of clean, i began to think about death and how its occurence is necessary for anything to truly live. i find it so beautiful and fitting that it is the decay of mulch and fertilizer that produces such radiant flowers, vegetables, and other growing things....the sacrifice now that yields the beauty then.
and, in a way, it is the dying of our child-selves that makes room for the emergence of who we are as grown people. but it isn't as though we become something wholly new. there are still shadows of our 'former' selves lingering around, waiting for an opportune moment to peek in and remind us of the place from which we came.
it occurs to me that not everyone experiences this death in the same way. some people have such a gradual progression into adulthood that the transition is seamless and without effect. others have age and experience thrust upon them and they are left to grieve and mourn the loss of innocence taken too soon. some people are living with one foot in either world at all times.
as for me, i don't know that i was ever really that young....i mean, i know i was, but i have felt the weight of anxiety and typically 'adult' concerns pressing into my heart since i was probably 4 or 5 years of age. and now, as an almost 30-year old, i live in a world that i'm desiring to see through those young eyes...to gain the perspective that was never mine to lose.
when i came to know Christ, there were parts of me that experienced immediate finality...a new life had been birthed inside my soul, and it was necessary for some ways and thoughts to die in order to make room for what had begun. God, i feel that i need a refresher course in dying. i want to see what you see. i want to live wholly and without regret. i want to be pushed deep into the earth, only to return renewed and more beautiful than before.
so bring on the mourners; it's funeral time....
Sunday, May 16, 2004
'she's got her ticket...i think she gonna use it...think she goin' to fly away....'
when i was a little girl, the world and all of my wishes stretched out in front of me like some kind of sears & roebuck catalog; anything, it seemed, was possible...available to me. as the years have progressed, very few of my childhood dreams have come to pass and, as a result, i wound up spending my early 20s rationalizing to avoid disappointment and talking about 'some day' with this vague hope that perhaps i would have a few of the things for which i hoped (maybe even by the time i was 30?).
well, i'll be 29 soon, and i've made a decision: this IS 'some day.' i'm tired to death of talking about how things will be when i have enough money or when i'm ready or when you're ready or whatever. i'm tired of maybe i will and won't it be nice when. i'm ready for it today. i'm ready for it now.
and just to be clear: i'm not talking about impatience. i'm talking about living; i'm talking about fishing or cutting bait. i know what it's like to remain ever in the realm of the theoretical. and i'm over that.
the verdict: either get on board with what is true and let's sink our teeth into this adventure, no turning back, or get me off this train. i'm not going down this track.
not now.
not anymore.
when i was a little girl, the world and all of my wishes stretched out in front of me like some kind of sears & roebuck catalog; anything, it seemed, was possible...available to me. as the years have progressed, very few of my childhood dreams have come to pass and, as a result, i wound up spending my early 20s rationalizing to avoid disappointment and talking about 'some day' with this vague hope that perhaps i would have a few of the things for which i hoped (maybe even by the time i was 30?).
well, i'll be 29 soon, and i've made a decision: this IS 'some day.' i'm tired to death of talking about how things will be when i have enough money or when i'm ready or when you're ready or whatever. i'm tired of maybe i will and won't it be nice when. i'm ready for it today. i'm ready for it now.
and just to be clear: i'm not talking about impatience. i'm talking about living; i'm talking about fishing or cutting bait. i know what it's like to remain ever in the realm of the theoretical. and i'm over that.
the verdict: either get on board with what is true and let's sink our teeth into this adventure, no turning back, or get me off this train. i'm not going down this track.
not now.
not anymore.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Monday, May 10, 2004
'i could while away the hours....'
while all the permanent employees on my team are in the midst of company meetings to discuss their bonuses, i'm sitting here at my desk feeling annoyed and wishing i could bust up outta here right about now. i found some jobs for which i'm going to apply, and i will admit that the prospect of something bigger and better is exciting me to the point of distraction. we'll see what happens....
my stomach is churning from nothing but some goldfish crackers for the last 24 hours. why do i do this to myself? note to me: eat dinner tonight, please!
i procured a hand-me-down entertainment center from my friend karenina this weekend. it's shorter than the stand i had my tv on before, so it has created some intimacy in my living room. very nice and understated. fits my components well.
in other news, i'm wanting to sort through some of my stuff and get rid of it. i do that once every few years, and though i wasn't due for a session anytime soon, salimah has inspired me and now i must expel. delete. expunge. you get the point.
i'll tell you what i'd rather be doing right about now: anything. no, not anything. i'll have a comfy chair (with ottoman), a lovely beverage, a favorite person, and a quiet place to rest. yes, that'll do me just fine....
while all the permanent employees on my team are in the midst of company meetings to discuss their bonuses, i'm sitting here at my desk feeling annoyed and wishing i could bust up outta here right about now. i found some jobs for which i'm going to apply, and i will admit that the prospect of something bigger and better is exciting me to the point of distraction. we'll see what happens....
my stomach is churning from nothing but some goldfish crackers for the last 24 hours. why do i do this to myself? note to me: eat dinner tonight, please!
i procured a hand-me-down entertainment center from my friend karenina this weekend. it's shorter than the stand i had my tv on before, so it has created some intimacy in my living room. very nice and understated. fits my components well.
in other news, i'm wanting to sort through some of my stuff and get rid of it. i do that once every few years, and though i wasn't due for a session anytime soon, salimah has inspired me and now i must expel. delete. expunge. you get the point.
i'll tell you what i'd rather be doing right about now: anything. no, not anything. i'll have a comfy chair (with ottoman), a lovely beverage, a favorite person, and a quiet place to rest. yes, that'll do me just fine....
Saturday, May 08, 2004
let's recap, shall we?
so yesterday, i got to leave work early, since i had finished all my weekly hours by noon. after departing the office, i drove over to this little shack for some nachos (at the recommendation of karenina) and then headed home to feast and watch some t.v.. i also had a nap in the works, after i watched oprah interview the friends, of course....
about 2 minutes into my slumber (i had dozed off during oprah), i was awakened by the news breaking into the show. they announced that 5 or 6 people had just been shot at a nearby high school and that the shooters were on the loose. i immediately snapped to, only to find that they had headed towards where i lived. within moments, i heard low-flying helicopters and began to realize that the place the suspects had ditched their vehicle was about 1 minute from my apartment.
the phone rang. it was my coworker, who also lives in this area. a few minutes later, i learned on the news that they had apprehended a possible suspect at this clothing store. hmm....why do i know that sign? i thought to myself....a few seconds later it dawns on me: the store is LITERALLY RIGHT UP THE STREET. if i walked out the front door of my building, i could practically see it. needless to say, this did not make me feel very happy.
so, as of this morning, i believe they have some people in custody. frankly, i'm not 100% sure of the latest, because after awhile yesterday, i forced myself to shut off the t.v. and stop thinking about the fact that there was a killer potentially hiding out in my neighborhood.
more importantly, i hope those students are going to be okay....
so yesterday, i got to leave work early, since i had finished all my weekly hours by noon. after departing the office, i drove over to this little shack for some nachos (at the recommendation of karenina) and then headed home to feast and watch some t.v.. i also had a nap in the works, after i watched oprah interview the friends, of course....
about 2 minutes into my slumber (i had dozed off during oprah), i was awakened by the news breaking into the show. they announced that 5 or 6 people had just been shot at a nearby high school and that the shooters were on the loose. i immediately snapped to, only to find that they had headed towards where i lived. within moments, i heard low-flying helicopters and began to realize that the place the suspects had ditched their vehicle was about 1 minute from my apartment.
the phone rang. it was my coworker, who also lives in this area. a few minutes later, i learned on the news that they had apprehended a possible suspect at this clothing store. hmm....why do i know that sign? i thought to myself....a few seconds later it dawns on me: the store is LITERALLY RIGHT UP THE STREET. if i walked out the front door of my building, i could practically see it. needless to say, this did not make me feel very happy.
so, as of this morning, i believe they have some people in custody. frankly, i'm not 100% sure of the latest, because after awhile yesterday, i forced myself to shut off the t.v. and stop thinking about the fact that there was a killer potentially hiding out in my neighborhood.
more importantly, i hope those students are going to be okay....
Sunday, May 02, 2004
s'wonderful
i have had such a pleasant 24 hours! yesterday, i did manage to vacuum after all, and i got all but one load of my laundry done before shona arrived around 4:30. i made a marinated chicken parmigiana with sherried mushrooms and spinach for dinner and then we watched 'a beautiful mind' and later had pecan chocolate chip cookies (break and bake all the way!) and milk.
this morning, i arose without my alarm at 7:30, showered, and had some oatmeal while working in the quiet of my dining room. my new red curtains are the best, by the way. they make me very happy:).
after shona woke up and showered, we went to toys-r-us to buy some baby shower presents for a friend and then she took me to lunch, which was delish. while there, i also bought some 9-grain bread and 2 croissants. afterwards, we were off to buy fun girl stuff and i managed to get several foot-soothing and softening products. must ready the tootsies for summer shoes!
so now i'm back home and feeling accomplished and i think i'll have a bit of a nap, do some more editing, watch the food network and then later have some leftovers for dinner.
i'm so thankful to God to have such wonderful friends with whom i can spend such relaxing times. i'm almost feeling ready to go back to work tomorrow....
*ahem*
okay, sorry...let's not get ahead of ourselves here!
i have had such a pleasant 24 hours! yesterday, i did manage to vacuum after all, and i got all but one load of my laundry done before shona arrived around 4:30. i made a marinated chicken parmigiana with sherried mushrooms and spinach for dinner and then we watched 'a beautiful mind' and later had pecan chocolate chip cookies (break and bake all the way!) and milk.
this morning, i arose without my alarm at 7:30, showered, and had some oatmeal while working in the quiet of my dining room. my new red curtains are the best, by the way. they make me very happy:).
after shona woke up and showered, we went to toys-r-us to buy some baby shower presents for a friend and then she took me to lunch, which was delish. while there, i also bought some 9-grain bread and 2 croissants. afterwards, we were off to buy fun girl stuff and i managed to get several foot-soothing and softening products. must ready the tootsies for summer shoes!
so now i'm back home and feeling accomplished and i think i'll have a bit of a nap, do some more editing, watch the food network and then later have some leftovers for dinner.
i'm so thankful to God to have such wonderful friends with whom i can spend such relaxing times. i'm almost feeling ready to go back to work tomorrow....
*ahem*
okay, sorry...let's not get ahead of ourselves here!
Saturday, May 01, 2004
dust in the wind....
i have not vacuumed in weeks and it is starting to get unbearable in here. i tried dusting my bedroom furniture earlier and it nearly sent me into a sneeze attack. i'm running laundry and editing and thinking about running my dirt devil all around this place, but if i'm being honest, i'm not in the mood.
the good news is that my friend shona is coming to visit me today and i'm wearing a red kerchief and the breeze is blowing and i'm thinking of days gone by and clothes lines and bike rides and strawberries and laughter and tall grass and afternoons like this....
i close my eyes
only for a moment, then the moment's gone.
all my dreams
pass before my eyes, a curiosity.
dust in the wind...
all they are is dust in the wind.
i have not vacuumed in weeks and it is starting to get unbearable in here. i tried dusting my bedroom furniture earlier and it nearly sent me into a sneeze attack. i'm running laundry and editing and thinking about running my dirt devil all around this place, but if i'm being honest, i'm not in the mood.
the good news is that my friend shona is coming to visit me today and i'm wearing a red kerchief and the breeze is blowing and i'm thinking of days gone by and clothes lines and bike rides and strawberries and laughter and tall grass and afternoons like this....
i close my eyes
only for a moment, then the moment's gone.
all my dreams
pass before my eyes, a curiosity.
dust in the wind...
all they are is dust in the wind.
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