dirge
i could not extract myself from the hot shower just now. i mean, really, i tried, but it kept pulling me back into its comfort. it is the only place these days where i feel i can think clearly. everything occurs to me in that little 'room' of walls and glass. i pray. He speaks. i listen. i feel....
and so it was that, under that river of clean, i began to think about death and how its occurence is necessary for anything to truly live. i find it so beautiful and fitting that it is the decay of mulch and fertilizer that produces such radiant flowers, vegetables, and other growing things....the sacrifice now that yields the beauty then.
and, in a way, it is the dying of our child-selves that makes room for the emergence of who we are as grown people. but it isn't as though we become something wholly new. there are still shadows of our 'former' selves lingering around, waiting for an opportune moment to peek in and remind us of the place from which we came.
it occurs to me that not everyone experiences this death in the same way. some people have such a gradual progression into adulthood that the transition is seamless and without effect. others have age and experience thrust upon them and they are left to grieve and mourn the loss of innocence taken too soon. some people are living with one foot in either world at all times.
as for me, i don't know that i was ever really that young....i mean, i know i was, but i have felt the weight of anxiety and typically 'adult' concerns pressing into my heart since i was probably 4 or 5 years of age. and now, as an almost 30-year old, i live in a world that i'm desiring to see through those young eyes...to gain the perspective that was never mine to lose.
when i came to know Christ, there were parts of me that experienced immediate finality...a new life had been birthed inside my soul, and it was necessary for some ways and thoughts to die in order to make room for what had begun. God, i feel that i need a refresher course in dying. i want to see what you see. i want to live wholly and without regret. i want to be pushed deep into the earth, only to return renewed and more beautiful than before.
so bring on the mourners; it's funeral time....
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Sunday, May 16, 2004
'she's got her ticket...i think she gonna use it...think she goin' to fly away....'
when i was a little girl, the world and all of my wishes stretched out in front of me like some kind of sears & roebuck catalog; anything, it seemed, was possible...available to me. as the years have progressed, very few of my childhood dreams have come to pass and, as a result, i wound up spending my early 20s rationalizing to avoid disappointment and talking about 'some day' with this vague hope that perhaps i would have a few of the things for which i hoped (maybe even by the time i was 30?).
well, i'll be 29 soon, and i've made a decision: this IS 'some day.' i'm tired to death of talking about how things will be when i have enough money or when i'm ready or when you're ready or whatever. i'm tired of maybe i will and won't it be nice when. i'm ready for it today. i'm ready for it now.
and just to be clear: i'm not talking about impatience. i'm talking about living; i'm talking about fishing or cutting bait. i know what it's like to remain ever in the realm of the theoretical. and i'm over that.
the verdict: either get on board with what is true and let's sink our teeth into this adventure, no turning back, or get me off this train. i'm not going down this track.
not now.
not anymore.
when i was a little girl, the world and all of my wishes stretched out in front of me like some kind of sears & roebuck catalog; anything, it seemed, was possible...available to me. as the years have progressed, very few of my childhood dreams have come to pass and, as a result, i wound up spending my early 20s rationalizing to avoid disappointment and talking about 'some day' with this vague hope that perhaps i would have a few of the things for which i hoped (maybe even by the time i was 30?).
well, i'll be 29 soon, and i've made a decision: this IS 'some day.' i'm tired to death of talking about how things will be when i have enough money or when i'm ready or when you're ready or whatever. i'm tired of maybe i will and won't it be nice when. i'm ready for it today. i'm ready for it now.
and just to be clear: i'm not talking about impatience. i'm talking about living; i'm talking about fishing or cutting bait. i know what it's like to remain ever in the realm of the theoretical. and i'm over that.
the verdict: either get on board with what is true and let's sink our teeth into this adventure, no turning back, or get me off this train. i'm not going down this track.
not now.
not anymore.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Monday, May 10, 2004
'i could while away the hours....'
while all the permanent employees on my team are in the midst of company meetings to discuss their bonuses, i'm sitting here at my desk feeling annoyed and wishing i could bust up outta here right about now. i found some jobs for which i'm going to apply, and i will admit that the prospect of something bigger and better is exciting me to the point of distraction. we'll see what happens....
my stomach is churning from nothing but some goldfish crackers for the last 24 hours. why do i do this to myself? note to me: eat dinner tonight, please!
i procured a hand-me-down entertainment center from my friend karenina this weekend. it's shorter than the stand i had my tv on before, so it has created some intimacy in my living room. very nice and understated. fits my components well.
in other news, i'm wanting to sort through some of my stuff and get rid of it. i do that once every few years, and though i wasn't due for a session anytime soon, salimah has inspired me and now i must expel. delete. expunge. you get the point.
i'll tell you what i'd rather be doing right about now: anything. no, not anything. i'll have a comfy chair (with ottoman), a lovely beverage, a favorite person, and a quiet place to rest. yes, that'll do me just fine....
while all the permanent employees on my team are in the midst of company meetings to discuss their bonuses, i'm sitting here at my desk feeling annoyed and wishing i could bust up outta here right about now. i found some jobs for which i'm going to apply, and i will admit that the prospect of something bigger and better is exciting me to the point of distraction. we'll see what happens....
my stomach is churning from nothing but some goldfish crackers for the last 24 hours. why do i do this to myself? note to me: eat dinner tonight, please!
i procured a hand-me-down entertainment center from my friend karenina this weekend. it's shorter than the stand i had my tv on before, so it has created some intimacy in my living room. very nice and understated. fits my components well.
in other news, i'm wanting to sort through some of my stuff and get rid of it. i do that once every few years, and though i wasn't due for a session anytime soon, salimah has inspired me and now i must expel. delete. expunge. you get the point.
i'll tell you what i'd rather be doing right about now: anything. no, not anything. i'll have a comfy chair (with ottoman), a lovely beverage, a favorite person, and a quiet place to rest. yes, that'll do me just fine....
Saturday, May 08, 2004
let's recap, shall we?
so yesterday, i got to leave work early, since i had finished all my weekly hours by noon. after departing the office, i drove over to this little shack for some nachos (at the recommendation of karenina) and then headed home to feast and watch some t.v.. i also had a nap in the works, after i watched oprah interview the friends, of course....
about 2 minutes into my slumber (i had dozed off during oprah), i was awakened by the news breaking into the show. they announced that 5 or 6 people had just been shot at a nearby high school and that the shooters were on the loose. i immediately snapped to, only to find that they had headed towards where i lived. within moments, i heard low-flying helicopters and began to realize that the place the suspects had ditched their vehicle was about 1 minute from my apartment.
the phone rang. it was my coworker, who also lives in this area. a few minutes later, i learned on the news that they had apprehended a possible suspect at this clothing store. hmm....why do i know that sign? i thought to myself....a few seconds later it dawns on me: the store is LITERALLY RIGHT UP THE STREET. if i walked out the front door of my building, i could practically see it. needless to say, this did not make me feel very happy.
so, as of this morning, i believe they have some people in custody. frankly, i'm not 100% sure of the latest, because after awhile yesterday, i forced myself to shut off the t.v. and stop thinking about the fact that there was a killer potentially hiding out in my neighborhood.
more importantly, i hope those students are going to be okay....
so yesterday, i got to leave work early, since i had finished all my weekly hours by noon. after departing the office, i drove over to this little shack for some nachos (at the recommendation of karenina) and then headed home to feast and watch some t.v.. i also had a nap in the works, after i watched oprah interview the friends, of course....
about 2 minutes into my slumber (i had dozed off during oprah), i was awakened by the news breaking into the show. they announced that 5 or 6 people had just been shot at a nearby high school and that the shooters were on the loose. i immediately snapped to, only to find that they had headed towards where i lived. within moments, i heard low-flying helicopters and began to realize that the place the suspects had ditched their vehicle was about 1 minute from my apartment.
the phone rang. it was my coworker, who also lives in this area. a few minutes later, i learned on the news that they had apprehended a possible suspect at this clothing store. hmm....why do i know that sign? i thought to myself....a few seconds later it dawns on me: the store is LITERALLY RIGHT UP THE STREET. if i walked out the front door of my building, i could practically see it. needless to say, this did not make me feel very happy.
so, as of this morning, i believe they have some people in custody. frankly, i'm not 100% sure of the latest, because after awhile yesterday, i forced myself to shut off the t.v. and stop thinking about the fact that there was a killer potentially hiding out in my neighborhood.
more importantly, i hope those students are going to be okay....
Sunday, May 02, 2004
s'wonderful
i have had such a pleasant 24 hours! yesterday, i did manage to vacuum after all, and i got all but one load of my laundry done before shona arrived around 4:30. i made a marinated chicken parmigiana with sherried mushrooms and spinach for dinner and then we watched 'a beautiful mind' and later had pecan chocolate chip cookies (break and bake all the way!) and milk.
this morning, i arose without my alarm at 7:30, showered, and had some oatmeal while working in the quiet of my dining room. my new red curtains are the best, by the way. they make me very happy:).
after shona woke up and showered, we went to toys-r-us to buy some baby shower presents for a friend and then she took me to lunch, which was delish. while there, i also bought some 9-grain bread and 2 croissants. afterwards, we were off to buy fun girl stuff and i managed to get several foot-soothing and softening products. must ready the tootsies for summer shoes!
so now i'm back home and feeling accomplished and i think i'll have a bit of a nap, do some more editing, watch the food network and then later have some leftovers for dinner.
i'm so thankful to God to have such wonderful friends with whom i can spend such relaxing times. i'm almost feeling ready to go back to work tomorrow....
*ahem*
okay, sorry...let's not get ahead of ourselves here!
i have had such a pleasant 24 hours! yesterday, i did manage to vacuum after all, and i got all but one load of my laundry done before shona arrived around 4:30. i made a marinated chicken parmigiana with sherried mushrooms and spinach for dinner and then we watched 'a beautiful mind' and later had pecan chocolate chip cookies (break and bake all the way!) and milk.
this morning, i arose without my alarm at 7:30, showered, and had some oatmeal while working in the quiet of my dining room. my new red curtains are the best, by the way. they make me very happy:).
after shona woke up and showered, we went to toys-r-us to buy some baby shower presents for a friend and then she took me to lunch, which was delish. while there, i also bought some 9-grain bread and 2 croissants. afterwards, we were off to buy fun girl stuff and i managed to get several foot-soothing and softening products. must ready the tootsies for summer shoes!
so now i'm back home and feeling accomplished and i think i'll have a bit of a nap, do some more editing, watch the food network and then later have some leftovers for dinner.
i'm so thankful to God to have such wonderful friends with whom i can spend such relaxing times. i'm almost feeling ready to go back to work tomorrow....
*ahem*
okay, sorry...let's not get ahead of ourselves here!
Saturday, May 01, 2004
dust in the wind....
i have not vacuumed in weeks and it is starting to get unbearable in here. i tried dusting my bedroom furniture earlier and it nearly sent me into a sneeze attack. i'm running laundry and editing and thinking about running my dirt devil all around this place, but if i'm being honest, i'm not in the mood.
the good news is that my friend shona is coming to visit me today and i'm wearing a red kerchief and the breeze is blowing and i'm thinking of days gone by and clothes lines and bike rides and strawberries and laughter and tall grass and afternoons like this....
i close my eyes
only for a moment, then the moment's gone.
all my dreams
pass before my eyes, a curiosity.
dust in the wind...
all they are is dust in the wind.
i have not vacuumed in weeks and it is starting to get unbearable in here. i tried dusting my bedroom furniture earlier and it nearly sent me into a sneeze attack. i'm running laundry and editing and thinking about running my dirt devil all around this place, but if i'm being honest, i'm not in the mood.
the good news is that my friend shona is coming to visit me today and i'm wearing a red kerchief and the breeze is blowing and i'm thinking of days gone by and clothes lines and bike rides and strawberries and laughter and tall grass and afternoons like this....
i close my eyes
only for a moment, then the moment's gone.
all my dreams
pass before my eyes, a curiosity.
dust in the wind...
all they are is dust in the wind.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
home improvement
i am seeking out more of a sense of 'home' for myself. i feel that i've existed too long without much in the way of decoration in the places i've lived (other than art on the walls). so i am devising a plan to bring fun and ambiance into my apartment. as of tuesday evening, i now have RED curtains hanging in my dining room....i hung them up myself:). next, i may look into painting my bedroom (perhaps red and taupe?) and rearranging my furniture a bit. but at the very least, i hope to purchase curtains for that room (and maybe my office will get a shabby chic look) and create a reading area for myself so that i actually spend time in my bedroom doing activities other than sleeping:).
anyone have any fun ideas for decorating your place without spending the big bucks?? i'm taking suggestions....
i am seeking out more of a sense of 'home' for myself. i feel that i've existed too long without much in the way of decoration in the places i've lived (other than art on the walls). so i am devising a plan to bring fun and ambiance into my apartment. as of tuesday evening, i now have RED curtains hanging in my dining room....i hung them up myself:). next, i may look into painting my bedroom (perhaps red and taupe?) and rearranging my furniture a bit. but at the very least, i hope to purchase curtains for that room (and maybe my office will get a shabby chic look) and create a reading area for myself so that i actually spend time in my bedroom doing activities other than sleeping:).
anyone have any fun ideas for decorating your place without spending the big bucks?? i'm taking suggestions....
Monday, April 26, 2004
the beginning of the end
well, in approximately 8 weeks, there will be resolution of my work woes: i will no longer be employed at my company. i found out today that, at the end of may, i can no longer work full-time hours. i will be cut back to 20 hours a week and then, at the end of june (should i decide to stay that long), i will be out of a job.
my boss took me into the conference room to deliver this news, and i can honestly say that it was much harder on her than on me. to be honest, i've been preparing myself for this for about 6 months now. frankly, i'm kind of over it.
besides which (and i told her as much), i know that if i'm not working there anymore, it's because the time is over for such things. and i'm placing my trust in God, because He's the only One who's kept me afloat all this time. and i really feel mostly calm about it....but i also don't feel calm. i'm fine and yet not fine.
Lord, please open a new door. a wider door. a door leading to better places than where this road is currently headed. i know you can do this.
if not You, then no one.
well, in approximately 8 weeks, there will be resolution of my work woes: i will no longer be employed at my company. i found out today that, at the end of may, i can no longer work full-time hours. i will be cut back to 20 hours a week and then, at the end of june (should i decide to stay that long), i will be out of a job.
my boss took me into the conference room to deliver this news, and i can honestly say that it was much harder on her than on me. to be honest, i've been preparing myself for this for about 6 months now. frankly, i'm kind of over it.
besides which (and i told her as much), i know that if i'm not working there anymore, it's because the time is over for such things. and i'm placing my trust in God, because He's the only One who's kept me afloat all this time. and i really feel mostly calm about it....but i also don't feel calm. i'm fine and yet not fine.
Lord, please open a new door. a wider door. a door leading to better places than where this road is currently headed. i know you can do this.
if not You, then no one.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
what they don't know....
i'm performing clandestine blogging maneuvers while here at my job. speaking of which, people are getting hired left and right, but not me. honestly, between that and the fact that i don't qualify for a bonus (since i'm not permanent) even though i've been here nearly a year, i'm feeling rather poo about my work life just now.
last night i wrote the first poem i've penned in ages. who can predict when the mood will strike? apparently tuesday at midnight is a good time for my creative juices to get all floetic and what-not, so i had to forego sleep in favor of something more higher-roadish. my puffy eyes and dragging butt this morning would beg to differ....
i have just started a monsta of a course - first grade reading & writing. i may go blind before this is all over. but for now, a respite, a few words thrown out into the void.
hello, dear void. is anyone listening??
i'm performing clandestine blogging maneuvers while here at my job. speaking of which, people are getting hired left and right, but not me. honestly, between that and the fact that i don't qualify for a bonus (since i'm not permanent) even though i've been here nearly a year, i'm feeling rather poo about my work life just now.
last night i wrote the first poem i've penned in ages. who can predict when the mood will strike? apparently tuesday at midnight is a good time for my creative juices to get all floetic and what-not, so i had to forego sleep in favor of something more higher-roadish. my puffy eyes and dragging butt this morning would beg to differ....
i have just started a monsta of a course - first grade reading & writing. i may go blind before this is all over. but for now, a respite, a few words thrown out into the void.
hello, dear void. is anyone listening??
Saturday, April 17, 2004
exchange of goods
feeling bummed about my lack of music-playing abilities in my house, yesterday, i got a great deal on this. it doubles as a dvd player/stereo system (has a radio and a 5-disc changer) and the sound coming off of it is quite good for my needs. anyway, salimah, who has been wanting a dvd player, will get the one i had (only a year old) and can start adding to her dvd collection in her new place.
now i can rescue all my cds from their exile in travel sleeves and put them on display. let the listening begin!
feeling bummed about my lack of music-playing abilities in my house, yesterday, i got a great deal on this. it doubles as a dvd player/stereo system (has a radio and a 5-disc changer) and the sound coming off of it is quite good for my needs. anyway, salimah, who has been wanting a dvd player, will get the one i had (only a year old) and can start adding to her dvd collection in her new place.
now i can rescue all my cds from their exile in travel sleeves and put them on display. let the listening begin!
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
post resurrection musings
well, i was sick all weekend. it was seriously the dreariest easter i've had in awhile, but even in the midst of a lot of stomach pain and seriously wet weather, i experienced joy and was able to focus my mind and heart on worshipping God in all His majesty. 'the passion' was an overwhelming but completely worthwhile experience - both cinematic and spiritual - and i am grateful to God for the very large-scale reminder of His inestimable love.
i'm starting to feel better (finally!) and am just taking in the ability to eat again. now if the stomach cramps would just cease....
nevertheless, the Lord is so good to me. as always, there is a breakthrough of sun after the downpour.
and what the rain yields will be just lovely....
well, i was sick all weekend. it was seriously the dreariest easter i've had in awhile, but even in the midst of a lot of stomach pain and seriously wet weather, i experienced joy and was able to focus my mind and heart on worshipping God in all His majesty. 'the passion' was an overwhelming but completely worthwhile experience - both cinematic and spiritual - and i am grateful to God for the very large-scale reminder of His inestimable love.
i'm starting to feel better (finally!) and am just taking in the ability to eat again. now if the stomach cramps would just cease....
nevertheless, the Lord is so good to me. as always, there is a breakthrough of sun after the downpour.
and what the rain yields will be just lovely....
Friday, April 09, 2004
i have nothing else to say but this....
when i survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of Glory died,
my richest gain i count but loss,
and pour contempt on all my pride.
forbid it, Lord, that i should boast,
save in the death of Christ my God!
all the vain things that charm me most,
i sacrifice them to His blood.
see from His head, His hands, His feet,
sorrow and love flow mingled down!
did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
or thorns compose so rich a crown?
His dying crimson, like a robe,
spreads o’er His body on the tree;
then i am dead to all the globe,
and all the globe is dead to me.
were the whole realm of nature mine,
that were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all.
--isaac watts
when i survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of Glory died,
my richest gain i count but loss,
and pour contempt on all my pride.
forbid it, Lord, that i should boast,
save in the death of Christ my God!
all the vain things that charm me most,
i sacrifice them to His blood.
see from His head, His hands, His feet,
sorrow and love flow mingled down!
did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
or thorns compose so rich a crown?
His dying crimson, like a robe,
spreads o’er His body on the tree;
then i am dead to all the globe,
and all the globe is dead to me.
were the whole realm of nature mine,
that were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all.
--isaac watts
Thursday, April 08, 2004
maundy thursday
i decided, after much deliberation, to take tomorrow off from work. every other year, i have been home for good friday, but i had been vacillating this year due to our impending deadline. i felt conflicted about it, though, because good friday is quite possibly the most special day of the year to me personally. the only reason that we have easter sunday is because good friday happened first. He had to die so He could rise again....
tonight i will go and see 'the passion' with salimah and then i will begin my fast, which will end at sundown tomorrow. it seems only appropriate to experience a kind of physical emptiness. i want only to be filled by Him. my heart is ready....
"when the hour came, Jesus took his place at the table, and the apostles with Him. He said to them, "I have eagerly desired to eat this passover with you before I suffer; for I tell you, I will not eat it until it is fulfilled in the kingdom of God." then He took a cup, and after giving thanks He said, "take this and divide it among yourselves; for I tell you that from now on I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes." then He took a loaf of bread, and when He had given thanks, He broke it and gave it to them, saying, "this is my body, which is given for you. do this in remembrance of me." and He did the same with the cup after supper, saying, "this cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood."*
Jesus, YOU are the passover lamb who was slain for us; therefore, let us keep the feast. alleluia.
*luke 22:14-20
i decided, after much deliberation, to take tomorrow off from work. every other year, i have been home for good friday, but i had been vacillating this year due to our impending deadline. i felt conflicted about it, though, because good friday is quite possibly the most special day of the year to me personally. the only reason that we have easter sunday is because good friday happened first. He had to die so He could rise again....
tonight i will go and see 'the passion' with salimah and then i will begin my fast, which will end at sundown tomorrow. it seems only appropriate to experience a kind of physical emptiness. i want only to be filled by Him. my heart is ready....
"when the hour came, Jesus took his place at the table, and the apostles with Him. He said to them, "I have eagerly desired to eat this passover with you before I suffer; for I tell you, I will not eat it until it is fulfilled in the kingdom of God." then He took a cup, and after giving thanks He said, "take this and divide it among yourselves; for I tell you that from now on I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes." then He took a loaf of bread, and when He had given thanks, He broke it and gave it to them, saying, "this is my body, which is given for you. do this in remembrance of me." and He did the same with the cup after supper, saying, "this cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood."*
Jesus, YOU are the passover lamb who was slain for us; therefore, let us keep the feast. alleluia.
*luke 22:14-20
Monday, April 05, 2004
no, i haven't been under a rock. i've just had nothing to say. but here's a little snippet, while i'm thinking of it:
i do not like my job.
there...i said it. don't worry; this isn't about to turn into a whine-fest where i talk in great detail about all the things i don't like. and this, honestly, will not come as a shock to anyone who is remotely close to me at this point in my life. i just needed to say it out loud. type it out loud. again.
and no, nothing happened. i've just had some frustrating days, weeks, months, and it wears a girl down after awhile.
and now i'm sitting in my apartment that is ICE COLD ('what's cooler than bein' cool?') and realizing that i need to find something resembling dinner before 10 p.m. rolls around. i am not thrilled with all of this.
but i am okay.
more soon (hopefully)....
i do not like my job.
there...i said it. don't worry; this isn't about to turn into a whine-fest where i talk in great detail about all the things i don't like. and this, honestly, will not come as a shock to anyone who is remotely close to me at this point in my life. i just needed to say it out loud. type it out loud. again.
and no, nothing happened. i've just had some frustrating days, weeks, months, and it wears a girl down after awhile.
and now i'm sitting in my apartment that is ICE COLD ('what's cooler than bein' cool?') and realizing that i need to find something resembling dinner before 10 p.m. rolls around. i am not thrilled with all of this.
but i am okay.
more soon (hopefully)....
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
only you and you will get this
okay, so it's been awhile since i've blogged. sorry about that. i've been busy with a house guest - the illustrious amy l. perbeck - who has graced me with her presence since saturday and will be leaving me tomorrow:(....
all i did all weekend was cook and hang out with amy and the boy (not at the same time, actually). saturday night, i made creamy tamarind sauced salmon (yum!), roasted potatoes, and asparagus with lemon and butter. sunday, i marinated some steak in beer, lime, honey, and garlic (along with a bunch of spices) and then made fajitas and spanish rice. for dessert, i made cinnamon-raisin bread pudding with a whiskey-orange-butter sauce. all fabu.
other than that, i've been trying to unwind from the fiasco-like time we had at work last week. it's too much to detail here. suffice it to say that there was a coup and a subsequent reprimand and then further subsequent misery. oh well. c'est la vie, baby.
la vie, baby.
okay, so it's been awhile since i've blogged. sorry about that. i've been busy with a house guest - the illustrious amy l. perbeck - who has graced me with her presence since saturday and will be leaving me tomorrow:(....
all i did all weekend was cook and hang out with amy and the boy (not at the same time, actually). saturday night, i made creamy tamarind sauced salmon (yum!), roasted potatoes, and asparagus with lemon and butter. sunday, i marinated some steak in beer, lime, honey, and garlic (along with a bunch of spices) and then made fajitas and spanish rice. for dessert, i made cinnamon-raisin bread pudding with a whiskey-orange-butter sauce. all fabu.
other than that, i've been trying to unwind from the fiasco-like time we had at work last week. it's too much to detail here. suffice it to say that there was a coup and a subsequent reprimand and then further subsequent misery. oh well. c'est la vie, baby.
la vie, baby.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Monday, March 15, 2004
tonight, for the first time ever, i conquered the cornish game hen. no, i didn't wrestle the little guy to the ground; i swathed him in butter and then roasted him (stuffed with a homemade buttery bread/herb/mushroom/cranberry stuffing); halfway through , i lacquered him with a balsamic-honey glaze. it was DELICIOUS. with it, we (michael and i) had a nice fresh salad with a cranberry-orange dressing. to drink, we had some belgian dark cherry beer. amazing. the whole meal was scrumptious, and i felt very satisfied by the fact that i managed to cook the birds perfectly - not dry, not underdone. the meat was tender, juicy....so good!!
in other news, i'm really nervous about going back to work tomrrow. we wound up having an impromptu meeting on friday to collectively 'confront' - in a way - my boss and her supervisor about the unrealistic, ridiculous demands they keep placing upon us. it was kinda scary and i really don't think it accomplished anything, but i'm more worried now about the potential fallout tomorrow. i'm SO paranoid around this woman; it's very problematic.
God, you're in control of this anyway; why don't i acknowledge that and just let it go??
i just SO wish i could stay home for another few days and hang out and just cook for michael. that would be so much more pleasant:)....ah yes, but the real world would still be waiting for me when the cupboards went bare.....
*sigh*
time for sleep....all will be new in the morning.
in other news, i'm really nervous about going back to work tomrrow. we wound up having an impromptu meeting on friday to collectively 'confront' - in a way - my boss and her supervisor about the unrealistic, ridiculous demands they keep placing upon us. it was kinda scary and i really don't think it accomplished anything, but i'm more worried now about the potential fallout tomorrow. i'm SO paranoid around this woman; it's very problematic.
God, you're in control of this anyway; why don't i acknowledge that and just let it go??
i just SO wish i could stay home for another few days and hang out and just cook for michael. that would be so much more pleasant:)....ah yes, but the real world would still be waiting for me when the cupboards went bare.....
*sigh*
time for sleep....all will be new in the morning.
Monday, March 08, 2004
yeah, i'm okay
the end of last week was in no way fun for me. i felt like i was two IM conversations shy of a mini meltdown. and when things get to that point, there is very little - if anything - one can do to recover. i prayed. i read scripture. i prayed some more. nothing was changing for me.
friday night, salimah prayed for me. it helped some. and then i spent two days with friends. also helpful. but sure as the sun shines in the morning, last night i started freaking out again at the thought of having to go back to my job today. i just really felt like i couldn't hack it. but, you know, the bottom line is that we're in the middle of a deadline, i have no paid time off, and i need money, so that pretty much sealed my fate.
this morning, i got up 5 minutes before my alarm went off, went straight into a very hot shower, and all seemed okay with the world. and looking at my face in the mirror, i realized that this is my life for today. and today, i need to work it out. sure, it'd be ideal if i could just get an excellent, biblical perspective on my situation for every moment of every day, but the truth is this: i'm struggling to trust God, and some moments i'm trusting Him, and some moments, i'm just making it by with some rewards [read: goldfish crackers] and oases [read: bathroom breaks].
and some day (hopefully soon) it will be over and i'll move on to something else. and wherever i go will have its own challenges and stresses and moments of fun. but i can tell you this....
i won't be looking back.
the end of last week was in no way fun for me. i felt like i was two IM conversations shy of a mini meltdown. and when things get to that point, there is very little - if anything - one can do to recover. i prayed. i read scripture. i prayed some more. nothing was changing for me.
friday night, salimah prayed for me. it helped some. and then i spent two days with friends. also helpful. but sure as the sun shines in the morning, last night i started freaking out again at the thought of having to go back to my job today. i just really felt like i couldn't hack it. but, you know, the bottom line is that we're in the middle of a deadline, i have no paid time off, and i need money, so that pretty much sealed my fate.
this morning, i got up 5 minutes before my alarm went off, went straight into a very hot shower, and all seemed okay with the world. and looking at my face in the mirror, i realized that this is my life for today. and today, i need to work it out. sure, it'd be ideal if i could just get an excellent, biblical perspective on my situation for every moment of every day, but the truth is this: i'm struggling to trust God, and some moments i'm trusting Him, and some moments, i'm just making it by with some rewards [read: goldfish crackers] and oases [read: bathroom breaks].
and some day (hopefully soon) it will be over and i'll move on to something else. and wherever i go will have its own challenges and stresses and moments of fun. but i can tell you this....
i won't be looking back.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
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