what they don't know....

i'm performing clandestine blogging maneuvers while here at my job. speaking of which, people are getting hired left and right, but not me. honestly, between that and the fact that i don't qualify for a bonus (since i'm not permanent) even though i've been here nearly a year, i'm feeling rather poo about my work life just now.

last night i wrote the first poem i've penned in ages. who can predict when the mood will strike? apparently tuesday at midnight is a good time for my creative juices to get all floetic and what-not, so i had to forego sleep in favor of something more higher-roadish. my puffy eyes and dragging butt this morning would beg to differ....

i have just started a monsta of a course - first grade reading & writing. i may go blind before this is all over. but for now, a respite, a few words thrown out into the void.

hello, dear void. is anyone listening??

exchange of goods

feeling bummed about my lack of music-playing abilities in my house, yesterday, i got a great deal on this. it doubles as a dvd player/stereo system (has a radio and a 5-disc changer) and the sound coming off of it is quite good for my needs. anyway, salimah, who has been wanting a dvd player, will get the one i had (only a year old) and can start adding to her dvd collection in her new place.

now i can rescue all my cds from their exile in travel sleeves and put them on display. let the listening begin!

post resurrection musings

well, i was sick all weekend. it was seriously the dreariest easter i've had in awhile, but even in the midst of a lot of stomach pain and seriously wet weather, i experienced joy and was able to focus my mind and heart on worshipping God in all His majesty. 'the passion' was an overwhelming but completely worthwhile experience - both cinematic and spiritual - and i am grateful to God for the very large-scale reminder of His inestimable love.

i'm starting to feel better (finally!) and am just taking in the ability to eat again. now if the stomach cramps would just cease....

nevertheless, the Lord is so good to me. as always, there is a breakthrough of sun after the downpour.

and what the rain yields will be just lovely....

i have nothing else to say but this....

when i survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of Glory died,
my richest gain i count but loss,
and pour contempt on all my pride.

forbid it, Lord, that i should boast,
save in the death of Christ my God!
all the vain things that charm me most,
i sacrifice them to His blood.

see from His head, His hands, His feet,
sorrow and love flow mingled down!
did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
or thorns compose so rich a crown?

His dying crimson, like a robe,
spreads o’er His body on the tree;
then i am dead to all the globe,
and all the globe is dead to me.

were the whole realm of nature mine,
that were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all.

--isaac watts

maundy thursday

i decided, after much deliberation, to take tomorrow off from work. every other year, i have been home for good friday, but i had been vacillating this year due to our impending deadline. i felt conflicted about it, though, because good friday is quite possibly the most special day of the year to me personally. the only reason that we have easter sunday is because good friday happened first. He had to die so He could rise again....

tonight i will go and see 'the passion' with salimah and then i will begin my fast, which will end at sundown tomorrow. it seems only appropriate to experience a kind of physical emptiness. i want only to be filled by Him. my heart is ready....

"when the hour came, Jesus took his place at the table, and the apostles with Him. He said to them, "I have eagerly desired to eat this passover with you before I suffer; for I tell you, I will not eat it until it is fulfilled in the kingdom of God." then He took a cup, and after giving thanks He said, "take this and divide it among yourselves; for I tell you that from now on I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes." then He took a loaf of bread, and when He had given thanks, He broke it and gave it to them, saying, "this is my body, which is given for you. do this in remembrance of me." and He did the same with the cup after supper, saying, "this cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood."*

Jesus, YOU are the passover lamb who was slain for us; therefore, let us keep the feast. alleluia.

*luke 22:14-20

no, i haven't been under a rock. i've just had nothing to say. but here's a little snippet, while i'm thinking of it:

i do not like my job.

there...i said it. don't worry; this isn't about to turn into a whine-fest where i talk in great detail about all the things i don't like. and this, honestly, will not come as a shock to anyone who is remotely close to me at this point in my life. i just needed to say it out loud. type it out loud. again.

and no, nothing happened. i've just had some frustrating days, weeks, months, and it wears a girl down after awhile.

and now i'm sitting in my apartment that is ICE COLD ('what's cooler than bein' cool?') and realizing that i need to find something resembling dinner before 10 p.m. rolls around. i am not thrilled with all of this.

but i am okay.

more soon (hopefully)....

only you and you will get this

okay, so it's been awhile since i've blogged. sorry about that. i've been busy with a house guest - the illustrious amy l. perbeck - who has graced me with her presence since saturday and will be leaving me tomorrow:(....

all i did all weekend was cook and hang out with amy and the boy (not at the same time, actually). saturday night, i made creamy tamarind sauced salmon (yum!), roasted potatoes, and asparagus with lemon and butter. sunday, i marinated some steak in beer, lime, honey, and garlic (along with a bunch of spices) and then made fajitas and spanish rice. for dessert, i made cinnamon-raisin bread pudding with a whiskey-orange-butter sauce. all fabu.

other than that, i've been trying to unwind from the fiasco-like time we had at work last week. it's too much to detail here. suffice it to say that there was a coup and a subsequent reprimand and then further subsequent misery. oh well. c'est la vie, baby.

la vie, baby.

putting out a feeler

i'm in the mood to bake something citrusy. any ideas??

tonight, for the first time ever, i conquered the cornish game hen. no, i didn't wrestle the little guy to the ground; i swathed him in butter and then roasted him (stuffed with a homemade buttery bread/herb/mushroom/cranberry stuffing); halfway through , i lacquered him with a balsamic-honey glaze. it was DELICIOUS. with it, we (michael and i) had a nice fresh salad with a cranberry-orange dressing. to drink, we had some belgian dark cherry beer. amazing. the whole meal was scrumptious, and i felt very satisfied by the fact that i managed to cook the birds perfectly - not dry, not underdone. the meat was tender, juicy....so good!!

in other news, i'm really nervous about going back to work tomrrow. we wound up having an impromptu meeting on friday to collectively 'confront' - in a way - my boss and her supervisor about the unrealistic, ridiculous demands they keep placing upon us. it was kinda scary and i really don't think it accomplished anything, but i'm more worried now about the potential fallout tomorrow. i'm SO paranoid around this woman; it's very problematic.

God, you're in control of this anyway; why don't i acknowledge that and just let it go??

i just SO wish i could stay home for another few days and hang out and just cook for michael. that would be so much more pleasant:)....ah yes, but the real world would still be waiting for me when the cupboards went bare.....

*sigh*

time for sleep....all will be new in the morning.

yeah, i'm okay

the end of last week was in no way fun for me. i felt like i was two IM conversations shy of a mini meltdown. and when things get to that point, there is very little - if anything - one can do to recover. i prayed. i read scripture. i prayed some more. nothing was changing for me.

friday night, salimah prayed for me. it helped some. and then i spent two days with friends. also helpful. but sure as the sun shines in the morning, last night i started freaking out again at the thought of having to go back to my job today. i just really felt like i couldn't hack it. but, you know, the bottom line is that we're in the middle of a deadline, i have no paid time off, and i need money, so that pretty much sealed my fate.

this morning, i got up 5 minutes before my alarm went off, went straight into a very hot shower, and all seemed okay with the world. and looking at my face in the mirror, i realized that this is my life for today. and today, i need to work it out. sure, it'd be ideal if i could just get an excellent, biblical perspective on my situation for every moment of every day, but the truth is this: i'm struggling to trust God, and some moments i'm trusting Him, and some moments, i'm just making it by with some rewards [read: goldfish crackers] and oases [read: bathroom breaks].

and some day (hopefully soon) it will be over and i'll move on to something else. and wherever i go will have its own challenges and stresses and moments of fun. but i can tell you this....

i won't be looking back.

hello, mr. dark cloud....

i'm in a bit of a funk. i don't really feel like talking to anyone just now. i'm not sure what my problem is. nothing happened. i'm not depressed; i just feel sad. like something is lost and i can't get it back.

and my dinner is churning in my stomach.

it feels like rain.

ya-ya dreams

i watched 'divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood' (my second or third viewing) last night before going to bed, and i feel like all my dreams were inspired by strong women. good timing.

today, i went and picked up salimah for our celebration dinner (since she got into grad school). we went to fridays and had drinks and an early meal (including salimah's 'bowl-o-liquor') before i carted salimah off to get her a surprise (i made her keep her eyes closed the entire time in the car, so she couldn't possibly know where i was going). i got her this tote she'd really been wanting that has photos of kitties in hats and coats all over it (so cute!) and a book she'd also really been wanting. she was quite surprised and seemed overwhelmingly delighted:). i love presents!

afterwards, we stopped at safeway for a few necessities - cookie dough ice cream included - and then headed back to my nearly clean apartment (i spent hours tidying, dusting, and vacuuming earlier, but still have yet to scrub anything) where we will now watch some movies and chill out for the rest of the evening.

things i learned today are as follows:

1. do NOT drink a bahama mama after having had NOTHING in your stomach all day. tipsiness will ensue.
2. when the waiter, after checking your i.d., begins calling you by name over and over again, that can only be a good sign.
3. if you want your best friend to buy you some ice cream, spend an inordinate amount of time staring into the freezers at the grocery store; she will eventually get entirely sick of the process and just offer to buy the more expensive brand you had already chosen in favor of you hemming and hawing over something on sale.

good times.

the hebrew crackers were a bust

in a moment of what i am certain was hurried disorientation, michael accidentally went to the kosher market for me last night. you see, i've been waylayed with the stomach flu (left early from work yesterday after nearly passing out, and then have been home all day today), and he was going to rescue me by stopping by safeway and then bringing me ginger ale and saltines. unfortunately, all this kosher place had was some 'shop-rite' brand that, as it turned out, was past its expiration date by 3 months. normally, this might not bother me for something as non-perishable as soda crackers, but these were just stale and tasted a bit like their plastic wrapper.

eww.

i was still grateful for the supplies, though. and in fact, after his tai chi class, he went to the safeway and this time came loaded with even more stuff (real crackers included) for my very angry tummy.

and as if that weren't enough, he then went to salimah's place and bought her ice cream as a way of congratulating her for getting into grad school at hopkins. what a sweetheart.....then again, i knew that already;).

as for me, i feel icky still. not much has moved through my system in the last two days. in fact, mostly, it feels as though i have a huge lump in there somewhere. it's making me very tired and woozy, it hurts and frankly, i'm over it. not that i'd ever be into it, mind you, but this is just getting ridiculous.

i'm hoping that i will miraculously feel better tomorrow morning. if not, it's another day of waiting for things to work themselves out.

ick.

and yet, in the midst of it all, i'm so very, very grateful for what i've got in my life. or, should i say, whom....:)

2 corinthians 3:17

i haven't really felt like writing so much in the last few days. perhaps because i've been busy living my life and having my hair blown back by God's amazing love and power at work in my heart. the events of this weekend are too crazy and precious to type out and share with the world. i will, however, say this: i have been a Christian for 10 years, and i always knew that there were parts of me that have held back from fully receiving God's love for me. He has worked to chip away at so much of that over the last two years, but there was still a blockage. no more.

now i KNOW that freedom is mine. i had possessed this knowledge in my head for so long, but this weekend, it transferred to my heart in a greater, more profound way. the Lord removed years and years of heartache and burden all in one evening of prayer. i mean it; my very memories are not the same....Jesus, i am astonished at your grace. truly, "if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (john 8:36)

i'm banking on that promise, Lord....

and whatever comes next, i am ready for it...for more of You.

i'm going to tell you what's genius.

what's genius is when someone makes you a club sandwich and he constructs it in such a way that EACH BITE of said sandwich contains all of the pertinent ingredients: turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayo, health bread (complete with several varieties of seed and grain). let me tell you - i HEART the sandwich man at gourmet again....

oh, and did i mention that he gave me TWO spears of kosher dill instead of one?

*sigh*

how do you like THEM apples?

okay, so i just got a truly bad haircut. i mean, really, it's shorter than i wanted (thankfully, i have LOTS to spare - a.k.a., she could have cut off 12", and i still would have been okay)...but also, it was just crooked. and frankly, she was not paying attention. and also, it just was the hair cuttery, people.....

but this is not the point.

the point is that i DID it. you see, i have to rewind a bit in order for you to understand what i mean....

so basically, i've been needing a haircut for months. MONTHS. the last time a pair of scissors touched my hair, it was april of 2003. that's a long time - even for me - to have gone without some trimming. anyway, i normally schedule my haircuts around visits to richmond, since i have a hairdresser there that i know and love (she's been the only person to cut my hair, basically since 1987). BUT i haven't been to richmond in awhile, and i'm probably not going to make it down there anytime soon. and the straw-like ends of my hair were just getting more and more so, and it was making me feel very stressed and not wanting to wear my hair down or do anything with it. and then, there were the headaches. oh Lord, the headaches. the sheer weight of having my hair in a bun (which was the style of choice, because of the aforementioned straw) basically pulled on my scalp such that i've been in pain nearly every day for months on end.

anyway, it was getting to be altogether too much. but the problem existed as this: i have major anxiety about letting someone else touch my hair. so today, i basically freaked out and hemmed and hawed and talked to salimah and michael about it for about an hour....and consulted my coworkers (who clearly thought i was a bit nuts)....and sat and stewed....and then i realized that i had to do something about it. i had to bite the bullet and let a stranger (*gasp*) cut my hair....

so i went to the hair cuttery near my home and i waltzed in, cool as can be, and i put myself in the hands of this woman who was not REALLY that focused. and after my "four inches" were gone and it was clear to me that it was really eight...and that it was not straight...i sweetly smiled and asked her to blow dry it a bit "so i won't catch cold." and then i got up, paid my 15 bucks (including tip) and left.

and i felt positively giddy.....shall i go so far as to say elated.....okay, maybe not that far. but i realize that the sheer weight of my anxiety was hurting me more than my hair-induced headaches. so i looked my fear, irrational as it may have been, straight in the eye, and i told it where it could go, and then i went ahead and did what i needed to do.

and so the outcome wasn't fabulous. but it's really all good. really.

besides, in a few months, i'll be getting it fixed by someone i trust. in the meantime,

i like my apples just fine....

if i'm being honest....

okay, so the aforementioned nervousness has subsided, and the aforementioned plans have been rescheduled for next weekend. it was going to be too much of a logistical nightmare, after all, so it's better to have time to enjoy the time rather than rushing; at least this is my theory....

************************************

i just watched a documentary about some teen girls in baltimore who came up through the system and were put back into society. one of them (whose junkie mother was in and out of jail) went back onto the streets, basically, while the other spent a year in a group home and then was placed back with her family just months before her mother died (at the age of 34, i might add). this girl's whole world had been rocked consistently for four years (she had originally been put away after stabbing a girl to death), and when she finally catches a break, everything is shattered all over again.

and yet, in the final moments of the program, we see her a year later. she's now 4th in her class and is preparing for her prom, the whole neighborhood coming out to see her off. and she posed for picture after picture, this huge smile plastered across her face.

and all i could think of was....this girl has been through hell on earth, and yet she somehow manages to find delight in something so simple. she has no money, no mother, and enough of the world's reasons to be jaded, and yet her face is shining like a little girl's and she is not ashamed.

and somewhere inside, where i have yet to recognize my own freedom to be who i am, the ache is throbbing....

just keep it steady....

i made some boneless ribs tonight...they were basically pork steaks:) first, i marinated them all day in a chipotle bbq sauce and then roasted them in a hot oven, finishing them off with a brown sugar & chili powder coating, which melted and got brown....i wish i had had several hours to let them slow cook, but i was in a time crunch, so it didn't work out quite as i had hoped. oh well. they were still pretty tasty and, along with some baked mac and cheese and string beans, made for a rather homey meal....

in other news, i got asked to lunch or dinner for one day this weekend (it had to be sunday, actually, because saturday was already booked with girls' day out plans). i don't know that it's for valentine's day, per se, but being taken out is a bit different than hanging in and watching a dvd from netflix. definitely a thumbs-up kind of idea in my book....

as a sidebar: i feel very nervous right now, unrelated to all of the above. i'm not really sure what's causing it, but i sense something churning.

you know, breathing always has been a rather good idea....

that's right. in AND out....

in.

AND.

out.

simple pleasures

i don't mean to carry on like a wee school girl, but i am positively THRILLED that i have found a way to actually burn CDs on my laptop that can then be heard on an actual STEREO. will wonders never cease.

let this be a lesson: the right materials can make ALL the difference.....

'what a way to make a living....'

okay, so i deleted my last post with that map of the u.s., which showed just how un-traveled i truly am. it was failing to show up. i can't have that....

things are seriously brewing at my place of business. people are one meeting shy of losing it. there's this relatively laid-back curriculum developer who has begun to get very bloodshot, twitchy eyes. we're all overworked and are sitting under deadlines that are completely unreasonable (and getting more and more stringent by the day), and i am waiting for a smackdown the likes of which wwf has never seen.

OH, and when salimah suggested to our boss that we perhaps hire someone else temporarily, this chick's 'solution' was to reduce my hours to be able to pay for that. right. that makes so much sense. she so has it in for me, and she's not even really that concerned anymore with hiding it....

the bottom line of this all is that i need a new job - one with paid time off and some insurance and stock options. honestly, at this point, i'd settle for just some paid time off. perhaps in the mean time, though, i should get some betting going on the downlow - which one of these people will be the FIRST to march off the job in a frustrated huff?

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't hoping it's me:)