in the words of elton from the movie clueless, 'my foot hurts. can i go to the nurse?'
yeah....that pretty much sums it all up right about now.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
not to be a whiner, but blogspot is giving me issues. i STILL am getting an error message for my template and, as you can currently see, my archives for old messages from october are not showing up on this page (even after repeated attempts to get them to do so). i have, therefore, included more posts on this main page so that the earlier entries from october will not be missing. i'm feeling out of sorts because of all of that. i know - it's not the end of the world, but it frustrates me, especially because i am not the utmost authority on html and don't know any sneaky tricks to mess around with (and subsequently fix) template problems.
i'm sure i'll have something of value to say later on. for now, however, i simply wanted to vent my frustrations out into cyberspace, in the hopes that someone might have some wisdom to share with me as to how i can go about dealing with my blogger woes....
i'm sure i'll have something of value to say later on. for now, however, i simply wanted to vent my frustrations out into cyberspace, in the hopes that someone might have some wisdom to share with me as to how i can go about dealing with my blogger woes....
Monday, October 21, 2002
'i wanna touch the earth...i wanna break it in my hands...i wanna grow something wild and unruly....'
i'm not sure where it is that i really belong....i don't know what i should be doing with my life....and i'm not really certain who i am. not yet, anyway. but i'm getting there. and maybe someday i WILL actually get there. in the mean time, however, i have these desires, some more vague than others. i want to reach out my arms and have there be something...or someone...to grab onto. and i don't mean physically, per se....i mean that i want to be stretching past the confines of my own heart, affecting and being affected. i don't want to live inside myself forever....
i have always admired those people who catch a vision for something they could be doing, and then go off and do it, taking the steps of faith necessary to move ahead. or even people who establish goals and the specific steps they will take to accomplish them - and then do all the things necessary to bring their goals about. a case of slow and steady winning the race once again. i don't feel like i have ever really been either of those kinds of people. i'm more the sitting-back-out-of-fear-and-not-doing-what-i-really-want-to-do kind of person.
so afraid to say what i feel. so afraid to admit what i want. so afraid to be who i am. and to come right out and say that i might have deep needs that aren't being met? unthinkable. i'm such a coward - before others, myself, and God, especially.
i'm SO tired of fear and all that it brings....so sick of not taking risks, calculated or not. to live without regret: that is something i have yet to realize.
a couple of entries below, i wrote about wanting a big kitchen. okay, you know - that's true. but i'll be honest: i don't want it in a vacuum. i want it in the context of having someone to SHARE it with....and not just any old someone - THE someone. and this someone isn't just someone who thinks i'll do....he's someone who can't think of anyone else he'd rather be around than me for the rest of his life. someone who can't wait to see me when he gets home from work or wherever he's been. someone who adores me and is proud of me and thinks i'm just plain swell....but won't ever put me above God....but will put me above his other relationships - not because he HAS to, but because he WANTS to....someone whom i can be proud to be with, whom i adore, whom i think is just plain SWELL....i think you get the picture.
but all of that being said - and as much as i want that kind of relationship - there are other things that i've always wanted to do, to try, to feel, to experience....and i'm beginning to wonder if i ever will....whether i'll have opportunities or, better yet, whether i'll TAKE the opportunities i'm given. few people know this about me, but i've actually considered going to culinary school; i've always wanted to open a restaurant or even be a private chef. i WANT to learn how to play the guitar - this is something that i've longed to do since i was 10 years old. i want to learn to draw and paint. i love to redecorate and change the layout of furniture. i am excited by the thought of organizing someone's life. i adore putting together furniture from a kit. i find nothing better in all of the world than singing in close harmony in a small group of people who are all worshipping Jesus.
i hope that i don't lose sight of these things. and even someday if/when i become someone's wife, i hope that he will be vigilant over my need to not lose sight of them.... and besides, underneath it all, i just don't think that it's pleasing to God for me to pretend like the things in my heart simply aren't there. i know that my chief purpose in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. and part of enjoying God is to be who i am - the woman He intended for me to be. so it's okay that i have dreams and desires and wishes and hopes. somehow i don't think God is disappointed by those things. in fact, i have a sneaking suspicion that somehow He's involved with them being there in the first place:)....
'i wanna walk and not run...i wanna skip and not fall...i wanna look at the horizon and not see a building standing tall....
i wanna be the only one for miles and miles....except for maybe you and your simple smile....
oh it sounds good to me....yes it sounds so good to me....' (dixie chicks)
i'm not sure where it is that i really belong....i don't know what i should be doing with my life....and i'm not really certain who i am. not yet, anyway. but i'm getting there. and maybe someday i WILL actually get there. in the mean time, however, i have these desires, some more vague than others. i want to reach out my arms and have there be something...or someone...to grab onto. and i don't mean physically, per se....i mean that i want to be stretching past the confines of my own heart, affecting and being affected. i don't want to live inside myself forever....
i have always admired those people who catch a vision for something they could be doing, and then go off and do it, taking the steps of faith necessary to move ahead. or even people who establish goals and the specific steps they will take to accomplish them - and then do all the things necessary to bring their goals about. a case of slow and steady winning the race once again. i don't feel like i have ever really been either of those kinds of people. i'm more the sitting-back-out-of-fear-and-not-doing-what-i-really-want-to-do kind of person.
so afraid to say what i feel. so afraid to admit what i want. so afraid to be who i am. and to come right out and say that i might have deep needs that aren't being met? unthinkable. i'm such a coward - before others, myself, and God, especially.
i'm SO tired of fear and all that it brings....so sick of not taking risks, calculated or not. to live without regret: that is something i have yet to realize.
a couple of entries below, i wrote about wanting a big kitchen. okay, you know - that's true. but i'll be honest: i don't want it in a vacuum. i want it in the context of having someone to SHARE it with....and not just any old someone - THE someone. and this someone isn't just someone who thinks i'll do....he's someone who can't think of anyone else he'd rather be around than me for the rest of his life. someone who can't wait to see me when he gets home from work or wherever he's been. someone who adores me and is proud of me and thinks i'm just plain swell....but won't ever put me above God....but will put me above his other relationships - not because he HAS to, but because he WANTS to....someone whom i can be proud to be with, whom i adore, whom i think is just plain SWELL....i think you get the picture.
but all of that being said - and as much as i want that kind of relationship - there are other things that i've always wanted to do, to try, to feel, to experience....and i'm beginning to wonder if i ever will....whether i'll have opportunities or, better yet, whether i'll TAKE the opportunities i'm given. few people know this about me, but i've actually considered going to culinary school; i've always wanted to open a restaurant or even be a private chef. i WANT to learn how to play the guitar - this is something that i've longed to do since i was 10 years old. i want to learn to draw and paint. i love to redecorate and change the layout of furniture. i am excited by the thought of organizing someone's life. i adore putting together furniture from a kit. i find nothing better in all of the world than singing in close harmony in a small group of people who are all worshipping Jesus.
i hope that i don't lose sight of these things. and even someday if/when i become someone's wife, i hope that he will be vigilant over my need to not lose sight of them.... and besides, underneath it all, i just don't think that it's pleasing to God for me to pretend like the things in my heart simply aren't there. i know that my chief purpose in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. and part of enjoying God is to be who i am - the woman He intended for me to be. so it's okay that i have dreams and desires and wishes and hopes. somehow i don't think God is disappointed by those things. in fact, i have a sneaking suspicion that somehow He's involved with them being there in the first place:)....
'i wanna walk and not run...i wanna skip and not fall...i wanna look at the horizon and not see a building standing tall....
i wanna be the only one for miles and miles....except for maybe you and your simple smile....
oh it sounds good to me....yes it sounds so good to me....' (dixie chicks)
Friday, October 18, 2002
'...and i guess that's how you started - like a pinprick to my heart
and at this point you rush right through me and i start to drown....'
hunkering down under a warm comforter and feeling the cool air drift through the slightly cracked window....letting my hair dry all curly and wild....silent prayers and moments of relaxing....reading fun cooking magazines.....making egg salad on toast.....daydreaming about my someday house.....talking to myself and singing indigo girls songs.....
this was my friday. good segue into a weekend. hope yours is beautiful:)
and at this point you rush right through me and i start to drown....'
hunkering down under a warm comforter and feeling the cool air drift through the slightly cracked window....letting my hair dry all curly and wild....silent prayers and moments of relaxing....reading fun cooking magazines.....making egg salad on toast.....daydreaming about my someday house.....talking to myself and singing indigo girls songs.....
this was my friday. good segue into a weekend. hope yours is beautiful:)
letting the mind wander is a dangerous thing....
i want a house with a big kitchen....no, not a big kitchen - a gargantuan kitchen. with at least one island. and tons of counter space. and cabinets that are both plentiful and easy to access. lazy susans. pull out shelving. a rack to hold all my frequently used pots and pans. stainless steel appliances. restaurant quality gas range with built-in grilltop and griddle (and a good quality hood to take away the smoke). ice maker with water dispenser in the fridge. sharp knives. lots of fun gadgets - including heat-resistant spatulas, a salad spinner, and a cheese grater that actually works. spices in labeled stainless steel tins - all organized on their own special rack. a quiet-as-a-whisper dishwasher. more than one sink, both with nifty, convenient faucets and those little spray attachments. all my fun toys on the countertops - cuisinart, rice cooker (preferably with a locking top that actually keeps rice warm without drying it out), kitchen-aid mixer. some kind of wine rack built into something. well-placed wood shelves for all my cookbooks. big windows. lots of light. a wrap-around bar so that family and friends can chat and eat while i cook.
yeah. now all i need is a house and the money to pay for all of that.....yeah.....or maybe a show on the food network? NOW i'm talking;)
i want a house with a big kitchen....no, not a big kitchen - a gargantuan kitchen. with at least one island. and tons of counter space. and cabinets that are both plentiful and easy to access. lazy susans. pull out shelving. a rack to hold all my frequently used pots and pans. stainless steel appliances. restaurant quality gas range with built-in grilltop and griddle (and a good quality hood to take away the smoke). ice maker with water dispenser in the fridge. sharp knives. lots of fun gadgets - including heat-resistant spatulas, a salad spinner, and a cheese grater that actually works. spices in labeled stainless steel tins - all organized on their own special rack. a quiet-as-a-whisper dishwasher. more than one sink, both with nifty, convenient faucets and those little spray attachments. all my fun toys on the countertops - cuisinart, rice cooker (preferably with a locking top that actually keeps rice warm without drying it out), kitchen-aid mixer. some kind of wine rack built into something. well-placed wood shelves for all my cookbooks. big windows. lots of light. a wrap-around bar so that family and friends can chat and eat while i cook.
yeah. now all i need is a house and the money to pay for all of that.....yeah.....or maybe a show on the food network? NOW i'm talking;)
Monday, October 14, 2002
'i can see clearly now....
as i turned the corner on friday night, i knew that i had been there before. route 22/322 traveling north and west. except the last time, my heart was longing after someone i would never have....
the first time i hit this bend in the road (at least from the driver's standpoint and, therefore, the time i first remembered it), it was a friday evening in march or april of 1997 and i was on my way with my a cappella group, adoremus, to state college, pennsylvania, where we would be singing at penn state for a weekend event called 'gospel jam'. the aforementioned object of my affections was driving in a car just behind me, and as we went around this bend in the road, i was blinded by the light of the setting sun. to my right was the harsh rocky face of a mountain and to my left was the juniata river, reflecting what seemed like millions of hues of pink and purple and orange. i shaded my eyes just as i gazed in my rearview and saw him doing the same thing. i remember feeling thrilled that we were experiencing this beautiful, blinding image at precisely the same moment. i cherished it. i drank it in, hoping that i would never forget it and that it would take a place in my mind's scrapbook as one of those oddly defining moments shared in a fledgling relationship. a few miles later, we pulled off at this exit for dinner (he and his car went for mcd's; my carload of folks went across the parking lot for some chinese food). my brain held on to what ever it could, because each moment i spent with him was a treasure and no part of me wanted to lose any part of him....
on this past friday, it was spitting cold rain and there was fog settling over the face of the road as the sun (if it had been shining) was again beginning to set. it took me a few seconds to realize where i was as i passed this place where mountain and river are divided by only the 4-lane highway. i felt strange, uneasy, not altogether aware of how i should be feeling. then a sadness washed over me - one mostly of regret for all the time and heart i had poured into that relationship from 5 years before. it's funny how God uses those moments to bring things to mind, because it was at that point that i began to realize that there was a reason i had taken this particular path that evening (i must mention that i almost wasn't on that particular stretch of road, except that i had missed my exit for a short-cut, of sorts, and had to go through extra traffic and a few more miles of highway). it felt like the perfect conclusion to what has been a more than 3-year question weighing on my mind, and something about which i had been thinking and praying for awhile. i knew then that i needed to seek some peace in a situation that had ended very badly, with much confusion and loose ends hanging.
later that night, i lay awake in bed, unable to even close my eyes....and i prayed and prayed and asked God for wisdom as to how i should handle this whole mess. should i write or call or send smoke signals? should i even do ANYTHING?
on saturday morning, i awoke refreshed in a way (but exhausted), with new resolve to get in touch with him....say some things that needed to be said. and i knew that, regardless of how he responded, i would be satisfied with having said them. i asked God to continue to confirm in my spirit the decision i had reached. so yesterday, we packed the car and headed down the road for home. i was thirsty and contemplated stopping for a quick drink break. i kept passing exits for no apparent reason and then finally decided on this one particular exit with which i had no remembered familiarity. as i drove up to the shopping center, i knew that it was, in fact, that very same one where we had all stopped for dinner. i laughed a bit on the inside, feeling such peace that my decision was the right one. somehow, i had come full circle at last.
driving home, there was no blinding light blocking my view.....and all the fog had lifted from the road. i made the call last night, and all went well. and i think, as all that i had to say left my mouth, a lot of my regrets and sadness went with them. God has me on a different road these days....with different individuals beside me and different desires in my heart.....and there is nothing preventing me from moving forward, laying all my hopes on Him to keep my paths straight.
**p.s. happy birthday, dad!!
as i turned the corner on friday night, i knew that i had been there before. route 22/322 traveling north and west. except the last time, my heart was longing after someone i would never have....
the first time i hit this bend in the road (at least from the driver's standpoint and, therefore, the time i first remembered it), it was a friday evening in march or april of 1997 and i was on my way with my a cappella group, adoremus, to state college, pennsylvania, where we would be singing at penn state for a weekend event called 'gospel jam'. the aforementioned object of my affections was driving in a car just behind me, and as we went around this bend in the road, i was blinded by the light of the setting sun. to my right was the harsh rocky face of a mountain and to my left was the juniata river, reflecting what seemed like millions of hues of pink and purple and orange. i shaded my eyes just as i gazed in my rearview and saw him doing the same thing. i remember feeling thrilled that we were experiencing this beautiful, blinding image at precisely the same moment. i cherished it. i drank it in, hoping that i would never forget it and that it would take a place in my mind's scrapbook as one of those oddly defining moments shared in a fledgling relationship. a few miles later, we pulled off at this exit for dinner (he and his car went for mcd's; my carload of folks went across the parking lot for some chinese food). my brain held on to what ever it could, because each moment i spent with him was a treasure and no part of me wanted to lose any part of him....
on this past friday, it was spitting cold rain and there was fog settling over the face of the road as the sun (if it had been shining) was again beginning to set. it took me a few seconds to realize where i was as i passed this place where mountain and river are divided by only the 4-lane highway. i felt strange, uneasy, not altogether aware of how i should be feeling. then a sadness washed over me - one mostly of regret for all the time and heart i had poured into that relationship from 5 years before. it's funny how God uses those moments to bring things to mind, because it was at that point that i began to realize that there was a reason i had taken this particular path that evening (i must mention that i almost wasn't on that particular stretch of road, except that i had missed my exit for a short-cut, of sorts, and had to go through extra traffic and a few more miles of highway). it felt like the perfect conclusion to what has been a more than 3-year question weighing on my mind, and something about which i had been thinking and praying for awhile. i knew then that i needed to seek some peace in a situation that had ended very badly, with much confusion and loose ends hanging.
later that night, i lay awake in bed, unable to even close my eyes....and i prayed and prayed and asked God for wisdom as to how i should handle this whole mess. should i write or call or send smoke signals? should i even do ANYTHING?
on saturday morning, i awoke refreshed in a way (but exhausted), with new resolve to get in touch with him....say some things that needed to be said. and i knew that, regardless of how he responded, i would be satisfied with having said them. i asked God to continue to confirm in my spirit the decision i had reached. so yesterday, we packed the car and headed down the road for home. i was thirsty and contemplated stopping for a quick drink break. i kept passing exits for no apparent reason and then finally decided on this one particular exit with which i had no remembered familiarity. as i drove up to the shopping center, i knew that it was, in fact, that very same one where we had all stopped for dinner. i laughed a bit on the inside, feeling such peace that my decision was the right one. somehow, i had come full circle at last.
driving home, there was no blinding light blocking my view.....and all the fog had lifted from the road. i made the call last night, and all went well. and i think, as all that i had to say left my mouth, a lot of my regrets and sadness went with them. God has me on a different road these days....with different individuals beside me and different desires in my heart.....and there is nothing preventing me from moving forward, laying all my hopes on Him to keep my paths straight.
**p.s. happy birthday, dad!!
Sunday, October 13, 2002
'hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.' - proverbs 13:12
just returned from pennsylvania, and i must say that i am changed. this weekend was beautiful, relaxing, filled with a lot of fellowship, laughter, excellent teaching (on the book of proverbs), and mostly rest for my heart. we went to a retreat center run by mennonites in central pennsylvania (not that far from where my grandparents used to live). all around us were the beautiful mountains that have been part of me since i was little....the fog rolled in and held us there all weekend, making everything a dream.....the air was still and the night was so very dark. i sank into sleep and felt all my muscles give way to my exhaustion.
before i left for this weekend, i was afraid to ask God to speak to me about anything, because lately, the themes of my life have had much to do with sadness and loss. but in the last 2 days, God renewed my hope in Him....reminded me that there IS purpose to my existence....showed me that it is a joy to love and serve the living God, even in times of trial.....ESPECIALLY in times of trial. and the understandings surrounded my heart subtlely, easing me into truth....and grace, like a river, flooded me once again.
even my consistently clouded mind was somehow cleared, giving me wisdom and resolve regarding some relational issues that have been plaguing me for several years now. it is time to make amends....to right the wrongs....to bless and not curse.....to heal and not cut.....to uncover and not conceal. it is the time of renewal.
i feel the roots sinking a bit deeper now....
just returned from pennsylvania, and i must say that i am changed. this weekend was beautiful, relaxing, filled with a lot of fellowship, laughter, excellent teaching (on the book of proverbs), and mostly rest for my heart. we went to a retreat center run by mennonites in central pennsylvania (not that far from where my grandparents used to live). all around us were the beautiful mountains that have been part of me since i was little....the fog rolled in and held us there all weekend, making everything a dream.....the air was still and the night was so very dark. i sank into sleep and felt all my muscles give way to my exhaustion.
before i left for this weekend, i was afraid to ask God to speak to me about anything, because lately, the themes of my life have had much to do with sadness and loss. but in the last 2 days, God renewed my hope in Him....reminded me that there IS purpose to my existence....showed me that it is a joy to love and serve the living God, even in times of trial.....ESPECIALLY in times of trial. and the understandings surrounded my heart subtlely, easing me into truth....and grace, like a river, flooded me once again.
even my consistently clouded mind was somehow cleared, giving me wisdom and resolve regarding some relational issues that have been plaguing me for several years now. it is time to make amends....to right the wrongs....to bless and not curse.....to heal and not cut.....to uncover and not conceal. it is the time of renewal.
i feel the roots sinking a bit deeper now....
Friday, October 11, 2002
on the road again....
today at 2 pm i'm leaving for pennsylvania for a women's retreat through church. sammie joy is coming as well. i'm REALLY looking forward to getting out of dodge for a few days....need to clear my head and quiet the noise of the world so that God's whispers ring loud in my spirit.....
it's raining in baltimore again today....a steady, graying, chilly kind of pour. the windows are open, since they turned off the a/c in the building, so it's kinda humid and not entirely comfortable in the apartment. and yet, it feels sort of nice to interact with the outside air, the smells and non-muffled sounds of the city. it's amazing how quickly horns and dumptrucks and sirens can be incorporated into your dreams at night....
i'm off to pack and get myself ready to go....have a safe weekend, everyone....
today at 2 pm i'm leaving for pennsylvania for a women's retreat through church. sammie joy is coming as well. i'm REALLY looking forward to getting out of dodge for a few days....need to clear my head and quiet the noise of the world so that God's whispers ring loud in my spirit.....
it's raining in baltimore again today....a steady, graying, chilly kind of pour. the windows are open, since they turned off the a/c in the building, so it's kinda humid and not entirely comfortable in the apartment. and yet, it feels sort of nice to interact with the outside air, the smells and non-muffled sounds of the city. it's amazing how quickly horns and dumptrucks and sirens can be incorporated into your dreams at night....
i'm off to pack and get myself ready to go....have a safe weekend, everyone....
Thursday, October 10, 2002
why do you ask?
here's a question: if you love someone a lot and are even in love with them, is it possible to ever truly move on from those feelings? what if you were under the impression that you were going to marry someone - and if your feelings were deep enough to have married them - is it realistic to assume that you'll eventually stop loving them? or is it, in fact, okay to carry some part of them in your heart for the rest of your life? perhaps even after you've gotten married to someone else?
in other words, how MUCH are you still allowed to love someone from your past, even if someone new is in the picture?
just wondering....
here's a question: if you love someone a lot and are even in love with them, is it possible to ever truly move on from those feelings? what if you were under the impression that you were going to marry someone - and if your feelings were deep enough to have married them - is it realistic to assume that you'll eventually stop loving them? or is it, in fact, okay to carry some part of them in your heart for the rest of your life? perhaps even after you've gotten married to someone else?
in other words, how MUCH are you still allowed to love someone from your past, even if someone new is in the picture?
just wondering....
the simple things
okay, so i broke down and painted my nails tonight. they are now a deep, deep crimson....very shocking against my oh-so-white skin.....but i love it!
something made me happy for a minute today..other than the nail polish. it was disarming, strange.....and yet it escapes me even now.... having almost no short-term memory is a baaad thing.
the banana bread was good, but a bit overdone. clearly sammie joy's oven is hotter than it looks....nice try, though. very buttery:) and i didn't wind up making any pasta sauce. did a kicky, saucy little number with the sausage - kind of a spicy, tomatoey, barbecuey kind of thing.....put on some cheese and a biscuit topping and baked that sucka for 30 minutes. quite yums and much less mess....
anyway, enough food talk. sleep beckons.
p.s. jacob, you rock!
okay, so i broke down and painted my nails tonight. they are now a deep, deep crimson....very shocking against my oh-so-white skin.....but i love it!
something made me happy for a minute today..other than the nail polish. it was disarming, strange.....and yet it escapes me even now.... having almost no short-term memory is a baaad thing.
the banana bread was good, but a bit overdone. clearly sammie joy's oven is hotter than it looks....nice try, though. very buttery:) and i didn't wind up making any pasta sauce. did a kicky, saucy little number with the sausage - kind of a spicy, tomatoey, barbecuey kind of thing.....put on some cheese and a biscuit topping and baked that sucka for 30 minutes. quite yums and much less mess....
anyway, enough food talk. sleep beckons.
p.s. jacob, you rock!
Wednesday, October 09, 2002
i need to bake some banana bread. i've got 4 bananas that are seriously hanging in the balance between ripe and rotten. i don't know what's holding me back. i have all my ingredients (including some baking soda and a bread pan, thanks to michael and aaron), but apparently it takes motivation that i have yet to muster today. i just hate to see things go to waste....must get off my duff and go do it!
in other news, sammie joy came home with this excellent nail polish yesterday that i am really looking forward to trying. the color name is 'black raspberry'...doesn't that just sound like something excellent? it's this deep crimson color....very nice but not vampish. good combo:)
i also need to make some pasta sauce....going to do some spicy sausage in this one. i set it out to defrost in the fridge the night before last, so it should definitely be ready to go at this point....it'll be all about the meat, some onions and peppers (i've gotten into the habit now of roasting my own over the gas burner) and perhaps olives - they add a nice little 'something'.... in my opinion, linguine is the only way to go if you're talking long, thin pasta. spaghetti's not quite there and fettucini's a little much. it's all about hitting the middle of the road with this one in terms of thickness.... yes, i know. i think way too much about stuff like this sometimes.....but believe me, it's better than a lot of alternatives upon which i could be focusing my mind!
it's too bad i don't have any ground beef. i could actually get into making some meatballs today. ah well....
i'm in the process of making a collage on sadness....not the easiest thing to do. i think i need some other magazines. the ones that salimah has are filled with these smiling, perky models. that won't do. is there any periodical that portrays the muck and misery of life?? if not, i'd be willing to settle for something just left of smiling and perky.....
in other news, sammie joy came home with this excellent nail polish yesterday that i am really looking forward to trying. the color name is 'black raspberry'...doesn't that just sound like something excellent? it's this deep crimson color....very nice but not vampish. good combo:)
i also need to make some pasta sauce....going to do some spicy sausage in this one. i set it out to defrost in the fridge the night before last, so it should definitely be ready to go at this point....it'll be all about the meat, some onions and peppers (i've gotten into the habit now of roasting my own over the gas burner) and perhaps olives - they add a nice little 'something'.... in my opinion, linguine is the only way to go if you're talking long, thin pasta. spaghetti's not quite there and fettucini's a little much. it's all about hitting the middle of the road with this one in terms of thickness.... yes, i know. i think way too much about stuff like this sometimes.....but believe me, it's better than a lot of alternatives upon which i could be focusing my mind!
it's too bad i don't have any ground beef. i could actually get into making some meatballs today. ah well....
i'm in the process of making a collage on sadness....not the easiest thing to do. i think i need some other magazines. the ones that salimah has are filled with these smiling, perky models. that won't do. is there any periodical that portrays the muck and misery of life?? if not, i'd be willing to settle for something just left of smiling and perky.....
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
Monday, October 07, 2002
i have nothing left in me right now. i had an emotionally draining monday, as all mondays are for me. i just got home and i'm tired and hungry. all i could do was sob all the way up 95 and hope that God kept me from crashing my car. but this song kept running in my mind, and i sang it, choking on my words and the tears that drenched my face....
draw me close to You; never let me go.
i'd lay it all down again to hear you say that i'm Your friend.
You are my desire; no one else will do.
nothing else could take Your place - to feel the warmth of Your embrace.
help me find a way; bring me back to You.....
You're all i want
You're all i've ever needed
You're all i want
help me know You are near....
Jesus, in your mercy....be near to me this night....and there are four women that are on my mind. let them feel your peace, because i know that they don't....i know that i don't.
draw me close to You; never let me go.
i'd lay it all down again to hear you say that i'm Your friend.
You are my desire; no one else will do.
nothing else could take Your place - to feel the warmth of Your embrace.
help me find a way; bring me back to You.....
You're all i want
You're all i've ever needed
You're all i want
help me know You are near....
Jesus, in your mercy....be near to me this night....and there are four women that are on my mind. let them feel your peace, because i know that they don't....i know that i don't.
checking in
last night i dreamed that jackie chan and i were on the run from samuel l. jackson (i believe that's who it was, anyway). but in a strange twist of events, at the end of the dream, i realized that jackie had been the bad guy all along, and just as i was encouraging jackie to shoot samuel l. jackson (whose head i was holding onto with one of my hands), i was able to discern that samuel was on my side. so he shot jackie, and all was well....at least for the moment. it was then that i realized that, while i was out of the woods, this other guy i knew (who was a cross between michael's roommate aaron and my friend derrick) wasn't, and i had to tell him to run to my counselor's house so that he could seek refuge with her and her brood of kids and grandkids. finally, my mother shows up and tells me to meet her at the barnes and noble in downtown richmond so that we can 'talk things through'. i agree and then proceed to start the car with both my key and a slab of bacon.
i won't bore you with the rest of the dream. that slab of bacon pretty much says it all....the subconscious mind is a fascinating thing.
i have a lot on my mind today, but i'm not really in 'sharing' mode, per se. my weekend was relatively uneventful. i attended a conference on saturday that focused on the issue of shame - specifically dealing with shame and moving into the realm of experiencing God's grace and peace. it was quite good, but it also made some truths stand out sharply in relief - of things with which i need to deal in order to move on with my life. i will discuss this more at a later time....
in any event, it's monday morning and His mercies are new all over again.....
last night i dreamed that jackie chan and i were on the run from samuel l. jackson (i believe that's who it was, anyway). but in a strange twist of events, at the end of the dream, i realized that jackie had been the bad guy all along, and just as i was encouraging jackie to shoot samuel l. jackson (whose head i was holding onto with one of my hands), i was able to discern that samuel was on my side. so he shot jackie, and all was well....at least for the moment. it was then that i realized that, while i was out of the woods, this other guy i knew (who was a cross between michael's roommate aaron and my friend derrick) wasn't, and i had to tell him to run to my counselor's house so that he could seek refuge with her and her brood of kids and grandkids. finally, my mother shows up and tells me to meet her at the barnes and noble in downtown richmond so that we can 'talk things through'. i agree and then proceed to start the car with both my key and a slab of bacon.
i won't bore you with the rest of the dream. that slab of bacon pretty much says it all....the subconscious mind is a fascinating thing.
i have a lot on my mind today, but i'm not really in 'sharing' mode, per se. my weekend was relatively uneventful. i attended a conference on saturday that focused on the issue of shame - specifically dealing with shame and moving into the realm of experiencing God's grace and peace. it was quite good, but it also made some truths stand out sharply in relief - of things with which i need to deal in order to move on with my life. i will discuss this more at a later time....
in any event, it's monday morning and His mercies are new all over again.....
Thursday, October 03, 2002
truth
never in my life have i looked
with such shame
in the mirror
always the hurts pierce
and wound and
grind my soul into pieces and
i bleed
remembering
being in that house was like
a solitary death
my fears quickening and loud
alone with you it was
darkness near and
i bleed
remembering
fyi: sending a present
just because i’m turning another year older
doesn’t make you sorry
your words are nothingness
shards of lies and
i bleed
remembering
© Sarah Hedges
7/15/02
never in my life have i looked
with such shame
in the mirror
always the hurts pierce
and wound and
grind my soul into pieces and
i bleed
remembering
being in that house was like
a solitary death
my fears quickening and loud
alone with you it was
darkness near and
i bleed
remembering
fyi: sending a present
just because i’m turning another year older
doesn’t make you sorry
your words are nothingness
shards of lies and
i bleed
remembering
© Sarah Hedges
7/15/02
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
coming to terms
i am not the prettiest girl, or the thinnest, or sweetest, or smartest, or funniest, or most talented. i am not the most successful with the choices that i have made. i am not confident enough to forge ahead with what some might feel are basic things. i am not always good at keeping my mouth shut. i am not as brave as i try to appear to be. i am not the person you would immediately want to take home to mom and dad, or out on a date, or to show off to your friends. i am not as good at pretending as i once thought i was. i am not happy. i am not who you think i am.
i am scared. i am broken. i am sad inside. i am hurting. i am insecure as hell. i am afraid that no one will ever want me. i am afraid - period. i am always concerned that i pour out more of myself so that no one ever finds me lacking. i am tired. i am unable to play the game. i am playing it, even still. i am wearing my mask. i am fixated on what other people think of me. i am a coward. i am brave. i am loyal to my friends. i am loving. i am weak. i am strong. i am someone who knows what it means to survive. i am a victim. i am not ashamed.
i am not the prettiest girl, or the thinnest, or sweetest, or smartest, or funniest, or most talented. i am not the most successful with the choices that i have made. i am not confident enough to forge ahead with what some might feel are basic things. i am not always good at keeping my mouth shut. i am not as brave as i try to appear to be. i am not the person you would immediately want to take home to mom and dad, or out on a date, or to show off to your friends. i am not as good at pretending as i once thought i was. i am not happy. i am not who you think i am.
i am scared. i am broken. i am sad inside. i am hurting. i am insecure as hell. i am afraid that no one will ever want me. i am afraid - period. i am always concerned that i pour out more of myself so that no one ever finds me lacking. i am tired. i am unable to play the game. i am playing it, even still. i am wearing my mask. i am fixated on what other people think of me. i am a coward. i am brave. i am loyal to my friends. i am loving. i am weak. i am strong. i am someone who knows what it means to survive. i am a victim. i am not ashamed.
Monday, September 30, 2002
the keystone state
i love the feeling of falling asleep in complete darkness, that total swallowing kind of black where you can't see your hand in front of your face....i think that the lights in the city and 'burbs prevent one's brain from ever shutting down. friday night was a kind of experimentation for me - would i be able to rest well in a non-siren-blaring kind of setting?
as much as the quiet normally prevents me from falling asleep, the darkness still sucked me in and held me close until morning....and the weather saturday? simply stunning.....thank God for the occasional reminder that beauty truly is in the simple things of life.
oh, and purely as a sidenote, have i mentioned that i hate DSL?
i love the feeling of falling asleep in complete darkness, that total swallowing kind of black where you can't see your hand in front of your face....i think that the lights in the city and 'burbs prevent one's brain from ever shutting down. friday night was a kind of experimentation for me - would i be able to rest well in a non-siren-blaring kind of setting?
as much as the quiet normally prevents me from falling asleep, the darkness still sucked me in and held me close until morning....and the weather saturday? simply stunning.....thank God for the occasional reminder that beauty truly is in the simple things of life.
oh, and purely as a sidenote, have i mentioned that i hate DSL?
Thursday, September 26, 2002
i don't know what the deal is with blogger these days. every single time i post something, it tells me that there's been an error, and yet my entry still winds up on the page. is anyone fixing this?
anyway, now that i have that off my chest, i can move on....
due to some events that i am not at liberty to discuss, i have been thinking a lot today about what it means for someone to be, in the true sense of the word, a man. i, for one, do not think that it does anyone any good to sit and complain about what dorks men are. and you won't see me sending around forwards delineating the 101 reasons that dogs are better than men, or any such nonsense. as a matter of fact, i am a big believer in encouraging men to be better in all ways. i am definitely one of those women who feels that men who are doing good jobs should be given the utmost respect and support from the women who know and love them. insulting them and putting them down certainly never helps - does that tactic work with anyone, really? but then, there are those bright and shining examples of why some women hate men....and sometimes those individuals really show their colors by doing something truly cruel and/or asinine. and it's in those moments that i feel sobered by what a fine line there is between punk and prince....
i will say this: real men do NOT hit. they are not prone to frequent yelling, outbursts of anger, scolding, demeaning, demoralizing speech, and/or threatening. a real man will not kick you when you're down. a real man will not kick you down. real men traffic in respect, kindness, strength, gentleness, humility, and taking responsibility for their actions. they treat women like ladies and not like men...or dogs...or punching bags....
i am blessed enough to have known some real men in my lifetime....to be in friendships and relationships with some of them even right this moment. but there are some women with whom i am quite close who have not had quite as easy a time of late. to those women, i say that you have my unflagging support at removing these offending posers from your life and moving ahead in whatever way you need to do so. God will protect and sustain you and is the One True Father you will ever need.
anyway, now that i have that off my chest, i can move on....
due to some events that i am not at liberty to discuss, i have been thinking a lot today about what it means for someone to be, in the true sense of the word, a man. i, for one, do not think that it does anyone any good to sit and complain about what dorks men are. and you won't see me sending around forwards delineating the 101 reasons that dogs are better than men, or any such nonsense. as a matter of fact, i am a big believer in encouraging men to be better in all ways. i am definitely one of those women who feels that men who are doing good jobs should be given the utmost respect and support from the women who know and love them. insulting them and putting them down certainly never helps - does that tactic work with anyone, really? but then, there are those bright and shining examples of why some women hate men....and sometimes those individuals really show their colors by doing something truly cruel and/or asinine. and it's in those moments that i feel sobered by what a fine line there is between punk and prince....
i will say this: real men do NOT hit. they are not prone to frequent yelling, outbursts of anger, scolding, demeaning, demoralizing speech, and/or threatening. a real man will not kick you when you're down. a real man will not kick you down. real men traffic in respect, kindness, strength, gentleness, humility, and taking responsibility for their actions. they treat women like ladies and not like men...or dogs...or punching bags....
i am blessed enough to have known some real men in my lifetime....to be in friendships and relationships with some of them even right this moment. but there are some women with whom i am quite close who have not had quite as easy a time of late. to those women, i say that you have my unflagging support at removing these offending posers from your life and moving ahead in whatever way you need to do so. God will protect and sustain you and is the One True Father you will ever need.
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
my nails are really short. i cut them down so that the white part is just barely visible at the edge of my fingertip. having longer nails doesn't really work for me - at least ones that i grow myself. for about 6 months, i had gel nails (done at a salon). i loved those things, but after awhile, they became cumbersome and annoying and expensive, and so just after the new year, i got them removed. i vowed that i would never go back to having them, but now that 9 months have gone by, every time i see a woman with a nice set of nails, it makes me long for the days when mine looked nice all the time.
here's the thing: i'm not a particularly frilly girl (in fact, i'm not sure i have any frill in me), but for some reason, having nails made me feel more feminine....i know that it's an artificial femininity, though, because i shouldn't need external adornment to make me feel that way. i've said it before and i'll say it again - in this post-modern, pro-"feminist" society, living as a Christian woman is an extremely confusing thing to navigate. contemporary Christian culture tells you one thing, the world tells you another, and somewhere in the fray, you're supposed to be able to hear God's voice whispering His desires for your life. sometimes it simply makes my head spin.
at the end of the day, having fake nails never solved anything for me....but for a few moments, i felt a little bit better. is that so bad? is it really any different than getting your hair done or putting on a little lipstick for color (which i know a lot of women do on a very regular basis)? i know that it is the fear of the Lord that truly makes a woman praiseworthy in God's eyes, and that charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting. but here's my question: what is it that contributes to a woman truly feeling feminine?
if only it were as easy as some plastic nail tips and acrylic gel....
here's the thing: i'm not a particularly frilly girl (in fact, i'm not sure i have any frill in me), but for some reason, having nails made me feel more feminine....i know that it's an artificial femininity, though, because i shouldn't need external adornment to make me feel that way. i've said it before and i'll say it again - in this post-modern, pro-"feminist" society, living as a Christian woman is an extremely confusing thing to navigate. contemporary Christian culture tells you one thing, the world tells you another, and somewhere in the fray, you're supposed to be able to hear God's voice whispering His desires for your life. sometimes it simply makes my head spin.
at the end of the day, having fake nails never solved anything for me....but for a few moments, i felt a little bit better. is that so bad? is it really any different than getting your hair done or putting on a little lipstick for color (which i know a lot of women do on a very regular basis)? i know that it is the fear of the Lord that truly makes a woman praiseworthy in God's eyes, and that charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting. but here's my question: what is it that contributes to a woman truly feeling feminine?
if only it were as easy as some plastic nail tips and acrylic gel....
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