'i can see clearly now....

as i turned the corner on friday night, i knew that i had been there before. route 22/322 traveling north and west. except the last time, my heart was longing after someone i would never have....

the first time i hit this bend in the road (at least from the driver's standpoint and, therefore, the time i first remembered it), it was a friday evening in march or april of 1997 and i was on my way with my a cappella group, adoremus, to state college, pennsylvania, where we would be singing at penn state for a weekend event called 'gospel jam'. the aforementioned object of my affections was driving in a car just behind me, and as we went around this bend in the road, i was blinded by the light of the setting sun. to my right was the harsh rocky face of a mountain and to my left was the juniata river, reflecting what seemed like millions of hues of pink and purple and orange. i shaded my eyes just as i gazed in my rearview and saw him doing the same thing. i remember feeling thrilled that we were experiencing this beautiful, blinding image at precisely the same moment. i cherished it. i drank it in, hoping that i would never forget it and that it would take a place in my mind's scrapbook as one of those oddly defining moments shared in a fledgling relationship. a few miles later, we pulled off at this exit for dinner (he and his car went for mcd's; my carload of folks went across the parking lot for some chinese food). my brain held on to what ever it could, because each moment i spent with him was a treasure and no part of me wanted to lose any part of him....

on this past friday, it was spitting cold rain and there was fog settling over the face of the road as the sun (if it had been shining) was again beginning to set. it took me a few seconds to realize where i was as i passed this place where mountain and river are divided by only the 4-lane highway. i felt strange, uneasy, not altogether aware of how i should be feeling. then a sadness washed over me - one mostly of regret for all the time and heart i had poured into that relationship from 5 years before. it's funny how God uses those moments to bring things to mind, because it was at that point that i began to realize that there was a reason i had taken this particular path that evening (i must mention that i almost wasn't on that particular stretch of road, except that i had missed my exit for a short-cut, of sorts, and had to go through extra traffic and a few more miles of highway). it felt like the perfect conclusion to what has been a more than 3-year question weighing on my mind, and something about which i had been thinking and praying for awhile. i knew then that i needed to seek some peace in a situation that had ended very badly, with much confusion and loose ends hanging.

later that night, i lay awake in bed, unable to even close my eyes....and i prayed and prayed and asked God for wisdom as to how i should handle this whole mess. should i write or call or send smoke signals? should i even do ANYTHING?

on saturday morning, i awoke refreshed in a way (but exhausted), with new resolve to get in touch with him....say some things that needed to be said. and i knew that, regardless of how he responded, i would be satisfied with having said them. i asked God to continue to confirm in my spirit the decision i had reached. so yesterday, we packed the car and headed down the road for home. i was thirsty and contemplated stopping for a quick drink break. i kept passing exits for no apparent reason and then finally decided on this one particular exit with which i had no remembered familiarity. as i drove up to the shopping center, i knew that it was, in fact, that very same one where we had all stopped for dinner. i laughed a bit on the inside, feeling such peace that my decision was the right one. somehow, i had come full circle at last.

driving home, there was no blinding light blocking my view.....and all the fog had lifted from the road. i made the call last night, and all went well. and i think, as all that i had to say left my mouth, a lot of my regrets and sadness went with them. God has me on a different road these days....with different individuals beside me and different desires in my heart.....and there is nothing preventing me from moving forward, laying all my hopes on Him to keep my paths straight.

**p.s. happy birthday, dad!!