errands, chores, etc.

it's not quite 10 a.m. on sunday morning and already i've been up, had breakfast, and done a big shop at wegman's. (i haven't grocery shopped in awhile, and my supplies were either old or dwindling or both.) i have one more load down in the car of paper products (and maybe some bananas thrown in for good measure) and then i'm going to drop a bag of videos off at goodwill, take 2 bags of trash to the community dump, and come back home to clean, launder clothes, and do work. i intend to watch nothing on television or dvd until i feel i've gotten some things accomplished today.

wish me perseverance....

dine out for life

brief recap: this past weekend was a BLAST. amy and i went to annanpolis, had lots of fun meals and cocktails, and just basically HUNG OUT (which we never get to do, so it was LONG overdue). it was so nice to just be in the same room with her for several days at a time, talk about how we've changed sine college (it was our 10-year hopkins reunion this past weekend), how we haven't changed, how we WANT to change in the next 10 years, etc. it was a perfect long weekend....

not much else has been going on since, except that last night, i dined out for life with 3 of my coworkers/friends at the city cafe and then spent about 20 minutes wandering around mt. vernon looking for my friend's car (she couldn't remember where she parked it). it was a hilarious end to the evening.

i'm off to work now but before i go, a big shout out to a former ms. devika keral mono who is now DR. devika keral mono (not her real name). congrats, devika. you are a complete star and i'm thrilled that the world will now be able to experience your genius on a more professionally recognized level. rock on!

checking in

i've been on a little vacation for the last couple of days. my dear friend amy is visiting from michigan, so we've been tooling around this fair city like it's going out of style. this morning, we're heading to annapolis for the day and we're contemplating an o's game later (but we'll just have to see about all that).

something i've realized: i really DO love the life of leisure. really. it's my favorite.

today i'm in search of a fun beverage and the smell of waterfront air. off to find them.

what i've been up to since last i blogged

1. taxes: i paid our lovely govt about 1400 bucks. oy!
2. sleeping: it's my new favorite thing, apparently, since i can't seem to stay awake much past 10 these days (if that).
3. strawberries: i got some HUGE ones at whole foods this weekend. mad sale, yo.
4. placido domingo: yesterday was all about schmaltzig love songs by that operatic chanteur. man, he's got some pipes:).
5. avoiding phone calls: honestly, if you've called me recently and i haven't called you back, PLEASE don't be offended. i swear i don't hate you. i just don't have it in me to talk about my life right now with most people.
6. blockbusta: i watched about 6 movies this weekend. classic.
7. mat kearney: i heart him.
8. triple onion cream cheese: again, the wf.
9. errands: it's a good way to keep the stress down - just take a little tour around town picking things up.
10. nothing else, really. i just wanted a #10.

like a record, baby

i had wacked out dreams last night, and the wind was whipping so fast and furious, it made the roof sound like it was going to come apart. (who knows? maybe it has.) this morning my eyes itch like no one's business and i find myself having self-pep talks in the shower. hey, whatever holds it together, you know?

if you're trying to remain at the center of a spinning circle, it's best to focus on that center and not the outlying regions which, quite often, feel as though they're spinning beyond your control. my goal for today is to stay in that center...or at least as close to it as i can...and preferably without losing my lunch in the process.

because it's the only way

okay, so i've had a revolutionary train of thought today: what would it cost me to believe that my life...that my life right now, specifically, is going to be okay? what if i extended my hope in God to work things out in a way that not only is for my 'ultimate good' but could make me happy RIGHT NOW? what if i make up my mind to be at peace with where i am, say what it is that i'm hoping for, and then believe in my heart that it could be possible?

is it crazy? maybe. do i choose it? you betcha.

but it's real

do you even know what goes on in a heart anymore?
constellations turned into little polaroids in a cardboard box
and i wanted so desperately to prove
you were still breathing but you wouldn't move.
okay, okay what a thing to choose
this one's gonna bruise.

i am willing to acknowledge that what i'm about to say may not have much to do with what most people know as faith, but i'm going to say it anyway.

i don't want to get on the wagon of pity and ride around town tonight, but i have to admit that i'm having a really hard time finding good in the circumstances of my life lately. and, if you want to know the truth, if i look at things all spread out in front of me, there have been many more times of sorrow than of joy...more rejections than acceptances...more people walking away than walking toward. i don't know if i can take it anymore.

is it faithless for me to say that i'm tired of my life being mostly about hurting and 'getting over' things? is it a horrible thing that i would really appreciate if something could go my way for once? maybe i'm being petulant, but you know what? i don't care. i really don't.

the main reason that i can't relate to a lot of people who identify themselves as christians is that they can't hear someone having real feelings, real doubts, real moments of human grumbling and crying out with 'why, God, why?!' for years, i wasn't comfortable with those things either. i mean, sure, in my heart i was feeling that way, but i was terrified to let it out because i didn't know what it would MEAN for me say say such things. heaven forbid i should fail to acknowledge God's plan for my life by spewing my doubt-filled laments all over the place.

well, you know what? God better be strong enough to take all of this, because if He's not, then we're all in a heap of trouble.

and so it's a saturday night, and i've done 3 loads of laundry and spent the day working on freelance stuff, and my heart is aching in ways i can't explain.

God, if you can still hear me after all this time, please find a way to bend your ear to my heart tonight. it's filled with a lot of junk...it has been for awhile. i don't know what to do with it. i seem to remember something about your goodness and mercy. i'm tired of being bruised. i'm tired of hurting and crying and waiting to be let down again. if that's how it's gonna be, then please let's change the plan. at this point, i need good answers. i need to know this all matters to you. these are my thoughts, my fears. the world will judge me by its standards. people will treat me like i'm less than they are because of the way i look. boys will reject me for any and every reason. i'll be overlooked and overlooked and overlooked. the cup will taste bitter nearly every day. and this feels real because it's what i live, but somehow i refuse to believe it. i refuse to believe that it won't change some day, even despite what i see all around me.

tell me if i'm being stupid. tell me if i should give up. tell me to stop trying, will you? maybe i can rest for awhile instead...instead of hoping and hurting and hoping some more. some days i don't want this burden to bear. this is one of them. i'm saying it. it's not pretty and it smacks of doubt and questions, but it's real. i hope that's good enough for you. it's all i've got.

while this will in no way suffice

there are so many things i don't understand right now, i can't even begin to write about them. if you're a praying person, please lift some up for me right now.

some things i've learned maybe even this very day

love is brazen. it often shows up unannounced and, sometimes, at the most inopportune times. it leaves deep marks on your skin, on your heart, on your mind. it must weave itself into your DNA, because there's no other reason why, when it goes, its leaving is so particularly painful, so utterly undefinable, so seemingly impossible in every way.

sadness, i've realized, is often love's less than lovely twin (or at least sidekick) and possesses properties that are very much the same. in my own life, i have seen it dwell in places i didn't even know existed. and depending on your circumstances, it may very well hang out in all of the places love frequents. it feels indelible....and sure, it may fade, but i find that it never really goes away somehow. there are always traces of it. and you can be living your life, unaware of a shift in the emotional sands, so to speak, and there it is, ready to deliver a one-liner so brilliant and seductive that it slays you all over again.

the human heart - my heart - really IS so very, very fickle. so confused. so often misguided. so in need of reminding where it belongs (and where was that again?). i guess i say all of this to say that i've been going through some rough patches over the last few months. my times of respite have been due mainly to some little people that i don't even know but with whom i've been connecting in subtle ways.... the best thing in the world is to focus on someone OTHER than yourself. the rest of the time leaves you swimming about in your own situations. too often i find myself drowning in them.

it would be easy for some people, perhaps, to allow their emotions to be dictated solely by circumstance. i'm not really there anymore. it amazes me, actually, how some things in my life can be 'working out,' or at least moving in that direction, and how i can still feel utterly desolate...trapped under the thumb of a grief that is greater than myself. feeling like the only one who really DOES get it is God, and He feels entirely too far away from me. so it's easter and i'm alone, and sadness is luring me with its siren song, and i'm aware of feeling about a million things at once. and i wish it weren't true, but what i really feel i need right now is some cool sheets to surround me and maybe some advil to ease the pounding behind my eyes. i've gotten nothing figured out except that i'm teetering on the edge of something that feels good and something that feels bloody awful.

and maybe tomorrow i'll be able to stop the madness and know something real for once and maybe, just maybe, love will be brazen with me again. i've got a chance. i really have no other choice but to take it.

can i just tell you...

...that being pursued by a man (as opposed to doing the lion's share of the legwork, for one reason or another) is really the ONLY way to go?

if april showers bring may flowers, what does april sunshine bring?

i've nearly started this blog entry about four times now, but for whatever reason, only this time did i actually start typing.

where to start?

well, first of all, i had a most fantastic weekend. it started out rocky on friday because i wasn't feeling so well, but things pulled themselves together eventually. not only did salimah and i have a wonderful dinner with the lindners (including gifts of homemade pottery, time with two doggies, and getting to meet their daughters, both of whom are lovely people), but i'm realizing that there might just be a little something for me out there after all....

in other news, i'm stressed out about all the stuff i have to do (both at home and at work), and today i performed some feats of stress eating involving chocolate-covered marshmallow eggs and pringles. i'm a professional. please don't try this at home....

april may be looking up in some ways after all....no fools this time around, i hope;).

mini update

okay, so i have another couple of dates set up for the very near future. these promise to be MUCH better than the first. good grief - could anything be any worse?

in other news, i'm sleep deprived but a little happy. these days, i'll take what i can get....

listy

here are some good things:

1. my hair looks fabulous. got it highlighted on saturday. copper and blonde - love it!
2. i had bonefish last night with salimah and e. such a great time:).
3. i have another date on friday, this time with someone i'm looking forward to going out with. at the very least, it'll be a fun time. i feel like i can say that for sure.
4. free hbo and showtime for 6 months!
5. it's finally spring:).
6. my very dear friend amy perbeck is coming in just under a month for 4 whole days!
7. club soda is STILL rockin my world.
8. it's still the weekend:).

that's all i got for now. i tried to make it to 10, but let's not be legalistic just for the sake;).

not. even. close.

wow. where to begin?

okay, so my "date" (i hesitate to call him that because i loathed everything about him) showed up 30 minutes late, didn't apologize, and when i tried to shake his hand, he said, 'nah, you don't have to do that. why are you trying to let everyone in the restaurant know it's our first meeting?' (like somehow that was totally offensive to him) then he had the nerve to ask ME if i had told our server that i was waiting on someone late. what?!?!

he had horrible table manners, reeked of awful cologne, was an abysmal conversationalist, and watched basketball over my shoulder for most of the meal (which, honestly, ALMOST didn't make me mad, because it was less time i had to try and talk to him - although yes, i DID call him on it). he was argumentative and asked too many personal questions. i hated how i felt in his presence and, to be honest, i was embarrassed to be there.

i tried to make the best of it. i really did.

oh, but here's the real kicker: (now, let me preface this by saying that this man asked ME out, okay?? NOT the other way around) when the bill comes, he awkwardly says, 'um, i have a first date rule - we go dutch. is that okay?' i'm like, 'yeah, fine.' then i started looking in my bag for my wallet, and as i did that, he asked me again if that was okay. at this point, i didn't even TRY to hide my distaste for him. i let him know that it was rather rude for him to not let me know that when HE asked me out. then he tried to come back with, 'oh, well, i don't even remember who asked who out, to tell you the truth.' i'm like, 'uh YOU did. YOU asked me out. for sure.'

so i basically told him how much he owed and then he tried to argue about how much i wanted to tip the waiter. God, i just wanted to get out of there.

oh, and another distasteful tidbit from the meal? he picked up a piece of bread, buttered it on both sides, and then tore a piece off with his teeth like an animal, at which point some butter flailed its way onto his chin. he grunted. picked up his napkin in his fist, smeared at it and then put the napkin in a ball back onto the table. uh huh. you read that right.

oh, and THEN, at some point during the meal, he asked if i had ever been married. when i shook my head no, he goes, 'no kids?' (again, shook head no) 'well, why NOT?' (like there was something wrong with that) i said, plainly, 'because i'm not interested in having children out of wedlock.' he honestly looked as though he didn't know what i meant. whatever.

so basically, after the check debacle, i informed him i was tired and that i was going to take off. so we walked outside and as a last ditch effort to be polite, i said, 'well, nice to meet you.' he looked at me quizically: 'do you really mean that?'

'NICETOMEETYOU' i rushed, at which point he was like, 'yeah, goodnight' and walked off. i acted like i was walking to my car, waited until he drove away and then went back into the restaurant and found my waiter. i took his hand and let him know that he was the one bright point in my evening (that and the food, which was delicious, actually), that i had just been on the worst blind date ever, and that i appreciated how attentive he was, because it made me feel - for a few brief moments - like i wasn't crazy. he told me that the guy seemed like 'a real bastard,' called me 'dear' and told me he hoped i'd come back....i left feeling war-torn.

suffice it to say - my experiment in going out with relative strangers has begun and ended all in one fell swoop. NEVER AGAIN, do you hear me? never.

in short

i have a date tonight.

some notes i'm considering writing

dear people out in the street right now,
YES, i can hear every WORD of your conversation, which - may i mention - you are having at 10:41 pm on a weeknight. thank you. please move along.
sincerely,
a disgruntled apartment dweller
***************************************************
dear person who shall remain nameless but certain people know who you are and that is all that matters,
please do not sit in group scenarios and pick your dirty fingernails. i mean it. go wash your hands.
horrifyingly, (is that a word, really?)
someone who cares deeply about nailcare and hygiene
***************************************************
dear britney spears,
can you please stop the madness? seriously. you aren't making things any easier for yourself, your children, or anyone of us, for that matter. you're taking up precious entertainment tonight time that we could be devoting to something much more pressing, like who is the father of anna nicole's baby after all, for crying out loud?!?!
oops, you did it again,
someone who might have a bunch of your music on her itunes but doesn't really listen to it much anymore. honestly.
***************************************************
dear martin o'malley,
i'm on to you.

i'm not signing that last one, because really, is it necessary?

in other news, i just had some peanut butter toast, milk, and a banana, and i'm wide awake. no rest for the weary, i tell you....

'somebody's got a case of the MONdays'

i got home a bit earlier than usual today because i had another podiatrist appointment this afternoon. basically, i'm still in pain, and he's given me another rx for a different antiinflammatory (the other one wasn't cutting it). i hope it works. essentially, if the treatments don't work, i might have to have surgery. i'm praying that doesn't happen....

now then, in other news, dancing with the stars begins again tonight. i don't think i need to tell you people that i don't really need another addictive show to watch...but will i watch it? heck yeah! will be sure to let you know what i think....

finally, i've got occasional bouts of relationship intrigue around these parts. more on that if anything real happens. oh, and speaking of relationships, a somewhat sad/distressing note: as i was leaving the doc's office today, one of his staff was clearly mid-meltdown over a breakup that i assume happened last night or the night before. she left the desk to take the call but left the door open to the room where she was. all i could hear was her pleading with him: 'but we NEED to talk....this isn't MY decision; it's YOURS....how am i supposed to know what to do? you're the one who LEFT ME.'

God, the agony in her voice. it actually stressed me out a bit. too many old, bad memories.

*shake it off*

okay, onto dinner....

addiction

i have to be honest. i'm currently obsessed with club soda. i mean, first of all, it's just good with some lime or lemon squeezed in it. but then, lately, i've been using it to make italian sodas with some of my ruby red grapefruit margarita mix (sans tequila). okay, AND it takes out some stains.

but then today, we're having a huge ice storm (it's tapping on my windows as i type this), and i came home feeling cold and grumpy and decided that what i needed most in the world at that moment was a stack of buttery, syrupy pancakes. and of course, because i haven't been cooking at all lately, my milk has gone sour, so what did i use in its place? club soda. i swear to you - these were some of the lightest, fluffiest pancakes i've ever had. they were SO freaking good, i'm considering a repeat performance tomorrow morning (or heck, maybe even later tonight if i get hungry again).

anyhoo, i'm quite sure no one gives a crap about me and my fizzy water addiction, so i'm out.

idolatry

so, the first night of just the top 12 on idol is about to start, and i've got a vested interest in this whole deal - mainly because i'm entering a poll to see who'll win.

i'm in the mood to go on a wine tasting. maybe this weekend even.

i'm also feeling the love for the spring temps.

furthermore, i'm making efforts to drag myself out of the place i'm in emotionally (which isn't great - i'll be honest) and cut my relationship losses while i can (letting people down isn't ever easy, especially when they're nice).

spring is dangerous for me, though, people. when the breeze starts blowing, it makes me think of venice and a boy i love and a day so unlike this one because of the measure of joy it brings.

must keep my wits - if not about me then darn near close.

i got no title, so how 'bout this?

i've gotten a mighty slow start today, but i hope within the next hour or so to leave the apartment to run a few errands before i head over to my friend vanessa's for her birthday celebration.

last night was cocktails and 'mr. smith goes to washington' at salimah's with two other girlfriends. i'm so lame-o, though. i had to go and lie down halfway through the movie because i was straight up exhausted. that's what i get for trying to have social plans on a friday night. i'm clearly too old for all that:P.

in other news, my management company tried to bill me and my ex boyfriend for 'charges incurred' after i supposedly 'moved out' from the community....and they sent me this mildly threatening letter informing me that my credit would be negatively impacted if i didn't, essentially, 'pay up.' oh yeah, and the charges? $3.51 each. bogus.

the good thing is that, after i pursued the matter thoroughly, they finally erased the record and chalked it up to 'computer error.' how convenient.

all right. i've got to get my lazy butt moving. happy weekend.