and now, the end is near....

it's official: 2005 is just about 14 hours from being over. can i be honest? i'm relieved....

this year has seen its share of heartaches, not just for me and for my immediate friends, but for the entire world community. tsunami. hurricanes. terrorist attacks. mass devastation. political upheaval. war. the end of eras - both relational and otherwise. many would say that these are signs of the end times. some may be right.

but really, every day is one step closer to 'the end': the longer you live, the closer you get. but even with that understanding, every new year's eve holds inside of itself the totality of all that has come and gone in the previous 364 days - along with the possibility that, come tomorrow, things can be different for us. we get the chance to start over, to reinvent ourselves, to pass through another 365 days and maybe make it without too many tears or too much tragedy.

i'm not going to make any proclamations about what i will accomplish this year. i know myself well enough to know that doing such a thing often sets me up to fail. i will only say this: for the new year, i have hope. there dwells in my heart the trembling possibility that when i reach this day in 2006, my life will not look like it does right now. heck, perhaps even i will not look like i do right now. and today i will bow my head in prayer for all the people in this world who are beginning their 2006 still very much in the throes of a devastating reality. my hope for them is that they would draw from God's strength and love for them - to rise above their circumstances and be at peace.

tonight i will spend my new year's with my best friend - counting my blessings (which, really, are so many). we plan on catching a movie and probably dinner (not necessarily in that order), but first we have a bit of shopping to do and tooling around town.

i'm choosing to dwell in today. in thankfulness. in possibility.

happy new year's, everyone. may your 2006 bring you joy.

joy is born this day

Jesus, on this day that we celebrate Your birth, I pray You would reign in us -- in our thoughts, our hearts, our circumstances, our world. be close to those who have lost their way, to those who are sick or hungry or hurting. have mercy on our nation for all that takes place here every minute of every day -- in all the ways that we dishonor You.

help us to understand the miracle of Your love for us. a love so great that it caused You to humble Yourself and take the form of the least of us that we might become great in You. may the silence of that moment, the peace and wonder of that child, quiet our hearts this day.

may the peace of His love comfort you. may you know His presence. may you glimpse His glory. may joy be born in you this day.

merry CHRISTmas.

okay, okay, so it's been forever. sorry about that. i've been in a haze, i think. let's see. what's new?

1. i got new glasses. they're fabu. i can actually see better now:).

wait, i thought there was going to be a list, but then i realized that absolutely nothing of interest has happened in my life over the last several weeks. i'm just gearing up for a weekend of holiday baking. and speaking of baking, i just finished my cake decorating class (pics may be forthcoming). it was actually really fun. i may need to take the second level (there are three total in the wilton series). i've gotten a lot of compliments on the three creations i've brought in to work, so who knows? i could make some moula off of this interest at some point....:)

christmas is just around the corner. a bare tree stands in my living room. pretty par for the course these days.

'tis the season to be something or other. i'm not sure what. but one thing i do know: Jesus has to be the reason, or there's really no reason at all....

haunted

last sunday, i was brunching with salimah and a friend of hers at the one world when suddenly she looked over my head and said, 'oh my gosh!' i asked her what was going on, and she said, 'mackenzie astin is right behind you.' i turned to see him, but the sun was shining so brightly, i couldn't make his face out, even though he was probably 2 feet from me, at the most. he then turned and walked out of the restaurant, and as he went through the door, i managed to catch the side of his face and realized that, in fact, it was him.

a few minutes later, he was back in, standing by the counter waiting for the order he had apparently placed. i was feeling distracted by our disengaged waiter and was more than a bit annoyed that i kept having to ask him for things that he should have been giving us as a matter of course. i had just asked him for some straws when a hand appeared around my shoulder and gave them to me. i realized in that moment that mackenzie astin had just handed me straws, but it struck me as so odd that i didn't really react - just said thanks and then went on about the conversation i was having with salimah and her friend.

suddenly i found myself being preoccupied with wanting to talk to him. okay, so a bit of background is in order: i faithfully watched 'the facts of life' as a young girl and was still a fan when he appeared for, i believe, three seasons between 1985 and 1988, along with a very young george clooney. i was an oddly sensitive child, and from the first time i saw him on tv, i always thought that there was something different about him...like he was very sensitive, too - or maybe lonely or sad - although i wasn't sure. and then, in the late 90s when he reappeared into my landscape in 'dream for an insomniac,' i remember being struck by that same feeling.

okay, so i'm sitting there feeling like i should talk to him, so i decided to say something particularly cheesy, in the hopes that he would find it somehow amusing and/or that it would make his day that someone remembered back to his early career. so i leaned over and told him that i appreciated him in the facts of life, to which he smiled, introduced himself, and then struck up a several minute conversation (including a really beautiful anecdote about 'dream for an insomniac,' which i also brought up). at the end of the brief exchange, he told us that he had to go and bring some stuff to his stepmother who was waiting outside, said he'd be back to town in the spring and that he might see me again, and then he was off.

okay, now why am i writing all this down? in truth, the fact that i met him doesn't really impact me because he's a celebrity (although for about a day afterward, i was feeling that 'wasn't that cool?' vibe) but instead because of that un-nameable thing that i sensed about him almost 20 years ago. it's still there. something about him seems alone and perhaps a bit sad - lost - i don't know. but i feel like he needs a friend, someone to lift him up in a way. this may seem weird, but i nearly invited him over for dinner before he walked out. i thought better of it, but now i wish i hadn't.

salimah saw him again tonight, smoking alone in the dark. she said hello, but he didn't hear her, and when she passed that way again, he was gone.

i hope i see him again. who knows if he'd remember my name, but i feel like there's something i have to say to him. maybe it's something he needs to hear.

seattle’s best

i watched the lovers lean in
to tell their delicious secrets–
the capped man beside them
oblivious and lost
in a metaphysical how-to manual.
the girls beside me pored over
the latest rags and celebrity gossip,
convinced they would never become
“so gross” as those overpriced and
underloved starlets
they secretly worship.
and earlier, the light on the bottles
of green and hibiscus teas
made me think of the tropics
and how i’d rather be there
basking in the late-day sun
than sitting here,
steeped in suburban ennui,
trying to capture a photo
of the dark-haired, disco-chic barista
who danced seductively to the jackson 5
and stevie wonder
while he frothed the milk
for my espresso dream.
he was hair gel and romance,
the memory of my early 20s–
of foolishness and unfettered desire,
dead-end jobs and high-end cocktails,
of yearning echoing
through a marble hotel lobby
the night i got drunk on my birthday
and sang a love song to a bartender
who would later remember me
as “the best ‘my funny valentine’ i ever heard.”
-sarah hedges 12 november 2005

somewhere behind the gray

as i sit at my desk and write this entry, the sky is filled with clouds. seriously, i look up and it is gray, gray, gray - so dank and depressing....but then there is this one small corner, behind which i can see that there's sun. the blue is peeking out, as if to remind me see? i'm still here. even if you can't see me, i haven't gone anywhere....

i'm reading this book right now, and i have to say: it's knocking my socks off. God is really using the words on these pages to speak to someplace deep inside of me, and i have to admit - it's hard to keep my eyes from welling up as i read each chapter. see, i've realized some things over the last couple of weeks, one of which is that i am on a quest to really find a part of myself that went missing about 26 years ago. that's a long time for something to be gone - so much so that no one would blame me if i just let it go and didn't stop to look back.

but it's not a matter of what i could do; it's a matter of what i WILL do. for the last five years, i've been looking for something, but i wasn't sure what exactly. now i have a vision for this un-nameable thing, a picture in my mind - if you will - so that when i see it, i will know it without question.

it must be this way. i am on a bullet train towards understanding, and even though there are times that get depressing and on days like today, it's looking like rain, i fully believe with my whole heart that the sun is gonna shine again....

summer's lease hath all too short a date....

okay, so it's officially fall. how do i know this? the preponderence of burning leaf smells and the fact that daylight savings time is kicking my butt.

i'm seriously tired this week. i'm not sure if it's because i got a flu shot on monday, or because of the time change, or because i'm just tuckered out from lots of thinking and feeling and being. sometimes life can just wear a girl out....

news flash: some dude from the hopkins annual fund just called me, and frankly, he was such a nice kid, i couldn't NOT give him money. we chatted for nearly half an hour about his first year at jhu, how he feels about the culture of the school, the urban legends on campus, etc. it brought me back to the days when i still felt like so many things were possible for me. not that i don't now, but 30 is a lot different than 18....

anyway, i've got the whole night to myself, so i'm going to eat some sushi and noodle salad from trader joe's, curl up with a book and some cooking shows, and ready myself for what i hope is a relaxing weekend. tomorrow i'm meeting up with an old friend, his wife, and their baby - who is, incidentally, so freaking cute, i could just die. i'll try to post pics if i'm able....

TGIF? oh yes, thank God indeed....

newbie

okay, this is gonna be a SUPER quick post: basically, i got my new computer today!! all is well with it, except that i nearly herniated myself trying to get all three boxes up the stairs (one for the cpu, one for the monitor, one for the speakers - seemed like excessive packaging, if you ask me!). unfortunately, the wireless keyboard and mouse i ordered didn't arrive with the system (on backorder), but i thought i'd be all good, because i have a spare mouse and keyboard to use.

um, yeah, except for one minor problem: my cpu has no ps2 jack. oy. so i had to go out in the cold, spitting rain to staples (not a highlight of my day, i'll tell you) to pick up a new keyboard (the adaptors were only 4 bucks cheaper than a whole new keyboard - highway robbery!) to tide me over. thank God my mouse works; it was already usb.

anyhoo, it's all set up; all the software came pre-installed (thank you, Jesus!) and so far everything works great. it's a fast little guy - 2.8ghz with 1 gig of ram. i should've gotten a better graphics card, but i think i can manage for now;).

pics will be forthcoming, and i'm fairly certain he needs a name. yes, it's a boy. for sure. and i think he might be greek, but i'm not 100% on that detail yet....

:)

waylayed

i've been feeling sick the last two days. some type of virus-y thing, i suspect. but i'm better now (i think).

i stayed home yesterday to be able to work in the comfort of my pajamas, but i wound up sleeping quite a bit in the afternoon, so today i'm making up for it by doing lots of work, work, work!!

in other news, i ordered myself a new computer. my laptop is over, i've realized, and while it still works just fine, i need something that isn't cracked (!), has a bigger monitor (hence, i'm getting a desktop this time around, but with a flat panel), and that has more updated features so that i can begin to expand my writing/editing life. i had a nerve-wracking -- nay, hellacious -- time with dell trying to get this thing ordered (and correctly so), and if it weren't for the fact that they have good computers and their macked out system was less than i would have paid elsewhere, i wouldn't have bothered.

at this point, i'm just trying to lay low about it all and hope that it arrives this week.

so, it's a rainy saturday, i've got much to do, and i'm hoping to actually get it done so that i can have some time this weekend to just relax. i have another chance today to be different than i was the day before. let's see how it goes....

debris

so many thoughts are swimming around in my head, it's making me dizzy. i just wish i could have one day where i didn't feel like my mind was a spiraling cloud of debris.

my apartment needs dusting and vacuuming. i have laundry to do. i'm meeting a friend for lunch. i need to read a book for my book club. i have freelance work that's been waiting on me for a couple of weeks. why can't i accomplish the things i want to accomplish?

okay, so clearly i'm a bit depressed. apparently all the recent activity in my life has been holding at bay the inevitable downswing of my mood. it's not horrid or anything. just more like ennui.

but let me tell you: ennui don't get the floors cleaned.

and for the record, spending the last two mornings crying on my way to work doesn't particularly help things either.

vacation, all i ever wanted. vacation, had to get away

okay, so i tried to post yesterday about my weekend in new england, but my computer wigged out halfway through and i had to perform an emergency shut-down.

suffice it to say that my weekend with salimah and cat was fantastic: much relaxation, yummy food, FUN purchases, tooling around small towns, and being in one of my favorite cities ever. boston has such a great energy about it, and i've always LOVED that accent!

quick recap: salimah and i left just before 5 a.m. on friday morning, was on the new jersey turnpike by 6:10ish, and in boston by 1 (we deliberately took an extra long stop along the way to allow miss catchka to have time to get herself in order before we barged in on her life for three days). it was a completely lovely, uneventful trip, made even better by the fact that i had made a two-volume, kick butt (if i do say so myself) 'please come to boston' mix to commemorate the place i am in my life right now and where i want to be.

friday afternoon, admist some balmy drizzle, we made our way to concord and hung out at louisa may alcott's stomping grounds. there was such a whimsical vibe in that transcendentalist home [and i later discovered that i had been there more than 25 years ago. can't say whether it's changed; i have no memory of that visit:)], and honestly it made me want to go and write something.

after a lovely dinner of chicken saltimbocca (compliments of cat), we headed off to dreamland rather early (having been up since 4). saturday morning, we got a slow start and drove to winchester to the griffin museum of photography for an exhibit on photojournalism, and then to porter square for sushi and shopping at this very asian-centric 'mall.' while there, i scored a fun japanese bowl and small chinese pastry (later consumed at starbucks).

after a quick detour to pier one on the way to the car, we ambled to davis square and, after pumpkin lattes, cocoa, and a mini-photo shoot, we spent the rest of the day window shopping at used book and CD stores. we dined at red bones bbq restaurant and then drove to arlington heights for ice cream and a quick tour through the neighborhood where my aunt, uncle, and cousin lived - and where i spent two summer trips as a 12- and 13-year-old.

by this time, the temperature had dropped quite a bit, and it was finally starting to feel like fall in new england to me (yay!). once home, we hung out before bed and then made plans to rise a bit earlier on sunday morning, because we were meeting one of my dear childhood friends, her husband, and baby for brunch at renee's cafe in davis square (i had a bbq chicken, apple, and cheddar omelette - delish!). we had a lovely time and were thoroughly entertained by little jack who, at just 16 months of age, already has the look of a charmer and the budding personality to match.

after brunch, we bid them a quick farewell and headed off to rockport, a seaside town with lovely shops and little seafood joints tucked together along crooked streets. even for a chilly, windy sunday, the town was hopping with visitors, and we dashed from shop to shop, trying to avoid being in the cold air for long stretches. the sea was gray and the ocean sprayed gloriously against those craggy new england rocks. it simply did my heart good to look at it. also, the seagulls were HUGE, and the chowdah (eaten at ellen's harborside restaurant) was rather satisfying and tasty. after lunch, we got cocoa and walked down the main dock for some photos and gazing at the sea before retreating back to the warmth of the shops.

while in rockport, i scored a few little goodies, including a lovely silver claddagh ring from the village silversmith (i've been wanting one for more than half my life; it seemed high time to get one for myself). after several hours of shopping and bearing the cold, we traveled back inland and hit up one final shop (with homemade pottery that i had been eyeing every time we drove by) before going home for a meal of homemade chicken enchiladas.

monday morning came early and we were in the car by 6. we made it home in about eight hours again (this time because our bladders seemed continually full and we had to stop no fewer than five times), with no traffic or problems along the way.

it was a satisfying time away from home, and although it came and went too quickly, i am so grateful for having had that respite. the past two days, i've been at home doing chores and hanging out with salimah. last night, we took in a late screening of 'just like heaven,' featuring the lovely mark ruffalo and then today had a sushi lunch, some shopping at whole foods for me, and then time at the one world cafe so that she could write a poem for class and i could catch up on some celebrity rags.

tomorrow i venture back to the real world. it's a bittersweet thing - stepping into your actual life again after some time away - but it must be done. besides, i've only got to endure two days and then the weekend comes again.

but for now, the memory of the sea and the air and the feeling of somewhere else will comfort me....

metaphor

these days, when i come back at night to an empty apartment, i practice walking around in the dark, if only to prove to myself that i know the way from one room to the next. i sense the walls, the couch, the lamp, the CD rack. i feel when i am closed in and when i'm surrounded by nothing. clearly, this is me throwing myself a bone: it's the one area in which i get to choose whether there is light for my path.

if only i had control of the light switch for the rest of my life....

this afternoon, i went with salimah and a friend from her poetry group to the play the last five years (playing at the everyman theatre). it was a musical and for some reason, salimah had it in her head that it was largely a comedy, despite the fact that the plot involved a breakup. i went expecting to be amused, or at the very least not depressed.

um, yeah. musical or no, this show was decidedly uncomedic in nature. in fact, there were points at which i had to fight back tears -- the song lyrics were that eerily similar to my own existence over the last month or so.

it was hard not to feel the room spinning out of control while i sat there in the dark, wondering why i had agreed to go. oh, don't get me wrong: it was a well-done production. and even despite the subject matter, i enjoyed it...but it was presenting quite the challenge to avoid the line of thought that this was, in essence, some cruel joke i had played on myself.

and i'm not going to even go into the reading material that seemed to present itself EVERYWHERE at the barnes and noble this evening. yeah, okay, so i'm sure you can figure out what its primary focus was....

anyhoo, the point is this: i'm confused. i feel uncertain. i'm at some points sad (like right now, for instance). i'm not avoiding, but i also sense that i'm sort of sliding along the surface of what, i know, is a deeper well of hurt. i do dip in my toes every so often, but not all at once, because i'm trying to be kind to myself as much as possible.

i don't know what my future holds. i don't know what happens next. i DO feel like i'm walking around in the dark much of the time, except that one message (books and plays aside) keeps showing up in my heart more than any other: trust God.

and so i must, even though i'm scared and weary and feeling very vulnerable and at times raw with emotion. i must trust that these steps i'm taking will cover more ground than even i can anticipate. and that when my path is lit with understanding, i'll see so clearly how my heart has changed. and i'll be better for it. more able to love God. more open to loving others. less hurt. less afraid.

i can't see ahead of me, God. but i know You're there. help me to know You're here now, too. help me to lay fear aside, to be willing to answer when You call, to know that You are for me, that you are building and not tearing down, that You are healing what was broken, that You are lighting what was dark.

all in due time, i suppose. i must be patient, learn to wait. but meanwhile? i keep practicing....

'now faith is the substance of things hoped for,

the evidence of things not seen.'

(hebrews 11:1)

life being beautiful

i'm sitting here in a relatively dark room - except for one small bulb lit in my medusa-esque floor lamp. i can smell the chicken legs that i schmeared with apple butter bbq sauce before throwing them in a hot oven. also sizzling in there is some corn and broccoli mixed together with a bit of canola spray. nothing too exciting, but it's still dinner. i'm trying to simplify my life just now....

i had a really nonproductive day at work; i couldn't seem to focus. that happens sometimes, often without warning, and when it does, it's brutal. but no matter; tomorrow is another day!

after work, i went to the cockeysville library, got a baltimore county library card, and checked out some nice selections, including several books and comedy routines on CD (for the road trip!), some cookbooks, and a health/fitness-related new arrival. oh wait - the pièce de resistance: a DVD of julia child's 'the french chef' from her series on pbs. i'm very excited to check this out:).

okay, but all of the above is just news. what i REALLY want to say is that i've been pondering those types of people who have that picturesque kind of life. i know they're out there, that they really DO exist. what's even more interesting - and both heartening and disappointing all at once - is that they often have sub-lives filled with all kinds of stuff that you'd never know (i mean, who doesn't, really?). but part of the game plan of having a picturesque life is that nothing - no matter how horrid or heartwrenching - can ruin the image of it all. it must be an awful lot of work.

then again, i may also have fallen into abject cynicism about all of that....

because really, at the end of the day, i'd love to have a life that fit into a 30-minute sitcom. i'd love for all my dramas to work themselves out in 24 minutes (commercials, people!), for the relationships to heal after a helpful 'talk,' and for everyone to be their witty, charming selves. and you might be thinking: would it be interesting enough? sure, why not?! as long as the script writers were good enough, of course....

i'd also love for my relationships to be more constant, my family life to have been more secure, my problems a bit more whitewashed. i'd love to sit around a fire with my parents, the love of my life, and perhaps a non-shedding pet and talk about how grand things are, how much we all adore one another, and whether or not that family vacation should be to new england or the beach.

it never really works out that way, though, does it? well, except for that picturesque ilk (not that i would know)....

what life is is mucky, pain-filled, silly, funny, maddening, unpredictable, boring, mundane, interesting, scary, and way - WAY - outside the box. and even though it might be 'simpler' in many ways to wrap things up before next week's episode, there's a part of me that's glad there's more to find out every day, every hour, every minute. that there's dinner in the oven and the bathroom to clean. phone calls that even the writers couldn't have planned. tears that rush in when no one's looking. a quick nap in front of the tv. a hug from my dad. dreams to map out. diets to start and restart and restart again.

it's messy. it's ugly. and it's beautiful.

all day.

every day.

full

i have had such an eventful weekend, it's hard to know where to begin. well, perhaps at the beginning....

friday evening, i had a very productive, life-affirming conversation that is another step in the process of wading through emotional muck. i slept soundly that night, the kind of rest that can only come when a person is truly spent, poured out, with no words left unspoken.

saturday morning, salimah and i went to a women's prayer breakfast with some graduate christian fellowship people from hopkins. really nice bunch of women, good food and conversation, and true communion with God's spirit.

afterwards, we wandered back to my place so that salimah could do a load of laundry. then we headed off to a chile roasting party at a coworker/friend's house. we originally planned on staying for a couple of hours - max, but the food and drink and company were so great, we were there for roughly SIX hours. i had my first shot of straight tequila ever, and i must say, it was rather good! it was definitely one of the best parties i've been to, and it gave me a chance to further bond with some people from work that i already really liked.

that night, we slept the sleep of the dead (lots of food and drinks will do that to you!), and then got up moderately early this morning so that i could take my car to the wholesale club to have the oil changed and the tires rotated and balanced. we ate an embarrassing breakfast of personal pan pizzas (!!), because they were basically the only palatable offerings at the little 'food court' area. i comforted myself with the fact that i drank a 100% fruit juice-containing juice box. oh well....

did a bit of minor shopping there, and then headed off to williams-sonoma to pick up two items that i've been needing for awhile. then we spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around a used book/CD store, different places in hampden (including minas, where i bought a miniature piece of artwork for 6 bucks), and finally record and tape traders, where i scored the new dar williams CD in anticipation of her concert next friday.

after a quick bite to eat at ruby tuesday's (not my favorite eatery, but we were both super hungry), i dropped salimah off at her apartment and headed home to chill out for the rest of the evening. i'm seriously not in the mood to go back to work tomorrow, but one must do what one must do....

i've gotta gear up. next weekend is slated to be even busier. life is good. i am well. now onto the next adventure....

everybody needs a little time away....

so the newest item on my list of 'things to do' is to finish planning my brief vacation to BAHSTON in early october with salimah. we are going to visit the illustrious cat, miss bacon herself. i cannot wait to be in new england in the fall. something just feels so right about that. somehow i feel like i'll be able to breathe for awhile.... and i am certain there will be much frolicking in the foliage and eating chowdah and being our fabulous 30-something selves. i nearly jumped out of my chair at work today with excitement at the thought of it all.

and even despite skyrocketing gas prices, i'm also just looking forward to the road trip with my dear salimah. i'm already planning a 'please come to boston' mix (or two or three) in honor of the voyage.

time out of dodge will be so good. it's not an escape, per se, but more a way to remind myself who i am these days. or better yet, who i've been this whole time....

truth be told

my stomach hurts. i'm not sure if it's stress-related or something i ate, but whatever's going on ain't good. i hope i can make it through today at work without getting ill....

all that floods my mind this morning, though, (despite the above) is that God loves me more than i could ever know. and He's been faithful to me - always - more than i could ever know. and gracious. and longsuffering. and patient. and merciful. and i could go on....

so i'll put on my clothes and go to work and ask to rest in the only thing i know, which is the grace that covers me when i am most uncoverable. and that's enough for today.

actually, that's enough for forever.

song of solomon 8:6b-7

i thought i was coming home last night, but i wound up staying too late at salimah's to feel like i could drive home safely. it wasn't intentional - really - but i'm glad i decided to sleep there.

my rest last night was fitful, and my dreams were bizarre, but important. at one point, i was trying to save a little boy from an overcontrolling father-type figure who would come in and ruin his whole life. at one point, i realized that the little boy was actually a grown man, but then he was a little boy again. i fiercely loved him and stalked the man who tried to hurt him, posing as a nurse in a hospital to try and intercept the man's attempt at stealing the boy's precious records and experiences (it seemed as though the boy's memories, his very soul, were in this manila folder). when i woke up, i knew immediately what this dream was about, although the longer i've been awake, the less i can access it....that's always the way.

it seems that over all things, there is a hazy covering (even now, at 6:45, it's still not fully light). and in the midst of my 'blah' and feeling like i have to go get ready for work, it just hit me:

love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
it burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.

you know, it's true. in waking and in sleep, in anger and in sadness and in joy, it's always there.

and even when we disappoint, it never fails.

BIG night

last night, after a lovely afternoon of chatting and then a quick dinner at the one world café, salimah, a friend of mine from h.s., and i went to see baltimore's improv group give a show down in federal hill. the event raised about 700 bucks for hurricane katrina relief (quite good, considering it wasn't a big crowd, and the tix weren't that expensive either). it was a fun time and made me remember how much i love spontaneous comedic efforts.

during my freshman year at hopkins - before i got so stressed i could barely see straight - i tried out for the then-group malignant humor (which would later morph into the buttered niblets). needless to say, i didn't make it in, but that's probably a good thing, considering i had a major crisis about a month later (deaths in family) and had to leave school the next semester.

but i digress....

as i was saying, it's a really fun way to spend an evening, and the cool thing about a show like that is that it's different every time you go. they give classes a few times a year, and honestly, i've thought seriously about going the next time they're offered.

oh, and a complete sidebar unrelated to the above: i'm moving back home tonight. it's been over two weeks, and while it's a little weird, i feel ready to be back amidst my things. yesterday morning, i went grocery shopping at whole foods and the new trader joe's not 5 minutes from my apartment (YES!) and got stocked up on healthy goodies for the next couple of weeks. and there are fresh flowers in my living room and bedroom, and i plan on doing a bit of cleaning and laundry to freshen things up for the week ahead.

one day, one step at a time....

arise
(isaiah 60)

this morning, i awoke at the same time as i do every day - 6:15. in truth, my body was hoping to get up even earlier, but i was in staunch refusal mode. but, when the alarm (errantly set for a saturday morning) went off, i knew my time of resting was over for good.

so, i got up and showered and now i'm sitting here, clean as a whistle, feeling like writing my thoughts out into the world.

i've been thinking a lot about how people drift in and out of your life - sometimes as if by accident, sometimes with such a strong sense of purpose behind their actions, you cannot conceive of their presence (or absence, as the case may be) NOT being dictated by a very specific plan. my life has been marked by a lot of loss, and for years, i wondered to the point of distraction why this has always been the case.

but then i realized something: if you are someone who feels things intensely, you will always notice the everyday losses more than others might. and upon examination, you will have added up your losses and taken account and realized just how much there IS to lose. others, who have no interest in pondering such notions, are able to go through living, take things as they come, and maybe it just doesn't go that deep for them. and that's okay, because we're not all meant to be such intense creatures.

and to be honest, that level of intensity doesn't always help one to have perspective on life, the world, relationships. and i've recognized in myself - in recent years - that i'm slowly coming back to the middle, as it were. i'm trying to learn to hold things more loosely (but not as though they weren't important). it's just best not to stake your life on any person, on any relationship, on any hope or dream or notion of a dream.

and as the losses come, they still affect me - to be sure - but somehow i can look back on them and see that they weren't a personal affront, not some great 'cosmic joke' being played on me, or my 'punishment' for not doing things as i ought. instead, they're actually the primary vehicle in my life that God has used to build me up, to help me endure. the colossal disappointments can either beat you down or make you stronger (as the old adage submits). and i'm at a place in my life where i have no intention of lying down and just accepting my 'fate.' i'm far more interested in living, growing, changing, engaging, and giving of myself - EVEN if that means getting hurt along the way.

it's worth it to get up in the morning, to see another day come to fruition...another day, with all its hurts and uncertainties, fears and triumphs. it makes me smile now, because i know that God is building something...

me.

boomerang

one thing i have noticed is that if you are able to wait on God long enough, things will start coming around again. now, admittedly, they may not look the way they did the first time, but when they arrive back on the scene, you will recognize them immediately for what they are.

tuesday morning when i arrived at work, i was hit with nothing short of a thunderbolt filled with insight, perspective, and understanding, all doused with a reminder that God's love for me is so much bigger than i ever remember. (yes, i am quite guilty of looking at my reflection, 'memorizing' what i see, and then immediately forgetting as soon as my eyes drift out of focus.) all of the small things that i'd been thinking about and feeling over the last 10 days of my life suddenly coalesced into this perfectly clear whole, and i could barely breathe at the intensity of it all.

and what's best about it is that even though this present reality isn't necessarily what i would have originally hoped for, as soon as i 'got it,' my heart knew it was right. in my experience, that is SO the way God works. His plans truly are better and far above mine.

so, wow. now what? well, here are a few things i know:

1. i want to pursue writing (and freelance editing) more than i ever have, and i am well on my way to doing this. it is my hope that eventually i will break free of 'the man' and be able to work for myself.
2. a spark was ignited inside me over the last week and i woke up and realized that i've been wasting time moving forward with being as healthy as i can possibly be. all the reasons are too much (and too personal) to explain here, but i feel ready to pursue change in a way that i don't think i've ever felt before.
3. i want to start seriously looking for a church again. for the first time in SEVERAL years, i actually miss the community of a local body. i wasn't ready for a long time to go back to that, but now i feel myself getting there. and it wasn't as a result of pressure or guilt, both of which would have motivated me in the past (no thanks!!).
4. i am tired of being a homebody and have started a social events calendar for myself, including fun outings, projects, short-term goals, and the like. without warning, i am becoming one of those women who won't be answering her phone, but not just because she doesn't feel like talking. i'll be too busy for all that chatter...much too busy living, that is.

i'm throwing myself out there, people. and only God knows what i'll look like when i loop back this way again. i'm sure the essence of me will be unmistakably there, but i can tell you now that it won't be the same old, same old. yes, indeed, i feel a change coming....

'cut the deck, better place your bet, 'cause the game ain't over yet....' (gene simmons, bruce kulick)