because i must

okay, so i have yet to post about my walking project. about 2 or 3 weeks ago, michael and i decided to rise before the sun and go walking at least three days a week. the whole point of this is to beat the heat (and the bugs, and the crowds who gather at the track) and start the day off well.

the first week went great. i even got some special socks for running/walking, and they are stupendous! last week was no good; i didn't feel well for about 4 days straight, and it knocked the wind out of my waking-up-early sails.

but tomorrow, i begin again, and whether or not i get enough sleep (the answer is NOT), i'm getting up at 4:50. yeah, you read that right. why, you may ask? because i'm over the whole 'not moving around enough' thing. because i want to change my life. because i'm going to be 30 in 12 days.

because i must.

p. diddy is a cab driver

okay, so no joke: on friday, while i was driving to work, i saw this DEAD ringer for sean "puffy/puff daddy/p. diddy" combs waiting to pick up a fare. wouldn't THAT be an interesting career move....

in other news, just under a month until i turn the big 3-0. i'm thankful that this year's day falls on a friday, because then i can have the entire 4th of july weekend as an extended celebration. and to further gild the lily, i'm taking off on both the 1st (my b-day) and the 5th so that i can have more of an actual vacation. and frankly, if i may be so bold, i feel that i deserve a little time off. it's been a rather hectic few months, and things are only going to get more and more busy as the summer progresses. i might as well get in some r&r while i've got the chance....

i'm going to watch the movie in good company -- just me. but first, i've got to make a bit of lunch (who knows what that will be?) and drink some water. the heat of the outside seemed rather pleasant until i was stuck in beating sunlight, and then the air conditioning and i got reacquainted rather quickly.

so now i'm cool, about to be fed, and feeling fine. and the afternoon is all about me, my cooking magazines (i'm in the process of paring them down and putting recipes into binders), and some yummy treats.

here's to starting the week with a bang!

without a hitch

well, my ever-argumentative uncle showed himself faithful to his own tendencies, but he actually ignored me completely, not acknowledging my presence one time. i suppose i should be thankful, but if i'm being honest, i found that completely rude. oh well....

other than all that, the evening in pa turned out pretty well. after a rather early dinner of bbq chicken, some lovely potato salad with a vinagrette dressing, a green salad with lots of dried fruit, spanakopita (divine), and two kinds of cake, we all wandered out to the patio (my aunt and uncle have a lovely home with 20 acres of green surrounding them) and drank liqueur (limoncello for me) while wrapped up in blankets (it had gotten a bit chilly after a thunderous downpour in the afternoon) and laughed and talked.

the evening rounded out around 11, shortly after michael played his horn for awhile, much to the delight of my family, and then we headed off to our hotel for bed. this morning was brunch with just my aunt, uncle (not the boisterous one), cousin, and parents, and then we headed back home. the afternoon was just gorgeous - perfectly sunny, cool, and with lovely clouds that lent themselves to gazing and imagining dragons and baby elephants.

upon my return back to charm city, i picked up my partner in crime (that would be salimah) and we feasted on tony roma's for dinner and then had a brief (although mostly unsuccessful) shopping stint at the hecht's nearby.

tomorrow, i'll head off to a party in the afternoon with the gent, and then hopefully build up the courage to cancel my cable later on in the day.

tonight i look forward only to the sweet rest i'll have in the cool night air. i love three-day weekends. one day left, and i'm going to milk it for all it's worth....

...continued

i know, my absence has been long. for that, i apologize. i don't have any particular reason to have been away so long except to say that i just haven't written.

and with that, we begin again....

so today, michael and i will go to pa for a bit of a family get-together. one of my baby cousins (no longer a baby; he's now in his early 20s) has just graduated from columbia university and this fete is to celebrate his freedom (even if temporary) from academia and his parents' freedom (even if temporary) from bankrolling his life. ah, those were the days....

i must say that i'm looking forward to seeing everyone, even if my last interaction with one of my uncles was less than favorable. over new year's he pretty much told me off rather forcefully in front of a table full of relatives - and for no real reason, other than the fact that he was drunk and angry and looking for a fight. fun times, i tell you....

many changes afoot these days, although admittedly not the ones i'd hoped. michael didn't get the job in nc, and as of july 15, he won't any longer have his current job, so i'm sure you can imagine that new adventures most certainly lie ahead. a dear friend told me yesterday, 'well, you know that when God closes a door, He always opens a window.'

'yes,' i said, 'but here's hoping it's a double-wide. it's time for both of us to climb through.'

come to think of it, a sliding-glass door would do me just fine....

Word up

if everybody claims to know the problem
then how come ain't nobody solving?
why do the pains of this world keep coming through throbbin'
--check the tragedy--
we push positivity
but positivity, x-Jesus, is positively
a good attempt at chivalry.
hard work ethic and good discipline
won't score points, even though it's good dribblin'....

the foul rip Christ and they just won't stop
so be not deceived cause God is not mocked
for what they sow, they're sure gonna reap
so just lay back and wait for The Thief
that's coming in the night, cause he knows how to
creep from Eternity and catch 'em like blaaow!
let's see what's said when it's all said and done
when they have to come face to face with Playa' Hater #1.
(the cross movement, playa' hater #1)

moving on....

well, it's official. it's open window weather around these parts. i always have mixed emotions about this time of year, because i love the thought of being able to sleep in the cool night air, but it's also the time when allergies really kick in for me. i'm not sure if i can 'mind-over-matter' it this time around, but i'm sure gonna try....

in other news, i went walking yesterday morning on a track near my house. it was truly a lovely experience. then, this morning, in a surge of inspiration, i walked around outside for about a half mile, just to get the blood flowing. it feels good to be moving. staying still makes my bones ache.

and, well, if i'm being honest, my heart doesn't like to be in one place for a long time, either. it's not that i feel the need to run, but i think that a bit of wanderlust was knit into my DNA somewhere, because i like the idea of turning a new page, even if the main things in life stay as they are. i'm up for new sights, new sounds, new tastes. i like a change of scenery.

michael's taking an audition next month a few states away, and if he gets the job, i'm going with him....this whole idea feeds my body's drive to move ahead, make progress, avoid stagnation. and while it saddens me beyond words to think of what (or whom) i will leave behind, of having to start over with only one person beside me, i'm just aching for that page to turn.

and turn, it must.

running list

things i simply heart right now, in no particular order:

1. whole wheat pastry flour
2. wallaby organic yogurt
3. edamame (a little salt, a lot of YUM)
4. a three-day weekend, when the third day is monday
5. being able to open my windows
6. italian lemon soda
7. my new eucalyptus body butter, compliments of cat:)
8. my FREE mary kay lotions and potions, compliments of salimah(note: normally, i'm not a mary kay fan, but how can you go wrong with FREE?)
9. quizno's subs. toasty yumminess.
10. my very cute and charming boyfriend (because he always deserves to be on the list!)

intermingling

this weekend has been a melange of family and friends, of old and new, of joy and sorrow, of here and there.

friday, i left work early and michael and i went to a friend's wedding in frederick, maryland. the highlight of that evening, by far, was the irish dancers that her father had hired to surprise the couple. i swear - it was riverdance all up close and personal. and it was, by far, one of the coolest things i've ever seen.

yesterday, michael and i drove in the driving rain down to bethesda and hooked up with my parents, had dinner and lively conversation at p.f. chang's, and then went to a mozart concert at strathmore hall (in which michael was playing with the national philharmonic). we bid my parents a fond adieu and returned home. i was up entirely too late, and i found myself feeling a little tired of all the comings and goings. i decided to lay low and sleep in this morning.

after fitful dreams and not as much rest as i'd like, i awoke this morning around 8:30, puttered about for a few hours, and left to go pick up salimah for a girls' day out. we had lunch at the lovely glas-z cafe in mt. washington and then tooled around an overpriced (but charming) book shop next door. realizing that we would find nothing in our budgets, we headed back to pikesville and hit the B&N (where i scored a couple of cheap and needed books on budgeting and cancer prevention diets) and then the pier one (window shopping only there). we then picked up some much-needed sundries at the safeway and headed back to my abode. dinner was jerk pork cubes with lime, orange, and caramelized onions; refried beans; pineapple salsa; and a warmed tortilla to wrap it all up.

all in all, a busy and event-filled weekend. some nice food. some nice time with loved ones. nothing amiss, per se. if i'm being honest, though, i must admit that there has been a current of sadness woven through my days and nights of late. it's not that i'm depressed; it's more that some things are working their way to the surface of my heart and demanding to be heard. when pain knocks loud, i've learned that it's best to listen.

in the midst of the wedding on friday, there was a new beginning, but the years of sadness and waiting sat quietly in the wings, palpable if ineffective. there is no room for them anymore in the life of my friend; joy has made a home in her heart, and there are no other houseguests when that is the case. and yet the truth of the past still lingers. that is how it is with life. even when things are going really well, when there is nothing 'wrong' and you've got plenty to do and much to hope for, sometimes those sidelined, old, and outdated wounds remind you that they're still hanging around, just in case.

and one must tip one's hat to them from time to time. it is the reminder of the pain that makes joy and hope all that much sweeter.

and sitting here at home on this sunday night, with tears streaming down my face, i'm trying to tell myself just that.

the paschal lamb

my easter weekend was relaxing and pleasant. the rainy weather did not abate, lasting from thursday until this very moment (it is pouring as i type this). i was not feeling super well, so we skipped the trip to michael's parents' house and i made a curried lamb meatballs dish (with apples and onions), brown rice, and peas and michael and i watched some episodes of the 2nd season of 'la femme nikita' and snacked on a guava nectar/lime juice/coconut rum-soaked cake (an experimental creation that went well, save the third that stuck to the inside of my bundt pan!). all in all, a lovely rainy day spent with my sweetheart.

the highlight of yesterday (and every day lately) though, has been our prayer times. michael and i have committed to setting aside a time every evening to pray together, and it's been just awesome. honestly, i don't know why in the world we haven't been doing this before now. i mean, we did pray for each other - sure - but not TOGETHER. it has already made a significant impact on our relationship. the Spirit of God is a good heart-knitter:).

so now, on this late rainy monday afternoon, i'm off to hop on my exercise machine (yo-yo ma's baroque album is my soundtrack) and then i'll make something quick for dinner and settle in for some TV and magazine reading.

happy easter, everyone.

so much for that....

well, i've come down with something. i'm not sure exactly where it's going (i pray nowhere), but let's just say that my throat feels the same way it did before i got REALLY sick right after new year's.

i am not exaggerating when i say that this CANNOT happen to me right now.

i mean, really.

ecce whitman!

What do you think has become of the young and old men?
And what do you think has become of the women and children?

They are alive and well somewhere;
The smallest sprout shows there is really no death;
And if ever there was, it led forward life, and does not wait at the end to arrest it,
And ceas’d the moment life appear’d.

All goes onward and outward—nothing collapses;
And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier.

sometimes it is the most nonsensical thoughts that yield the greatest understanding. and so it is with faith in God. life is a whirling jumble of seeming contradictions. death, which many fear, is not really the end but a continuation. God, whom many deny, cannot be denied. life, that thing to which so many cling tightly, cannot be grasped. cannot be held. cannot be saved for any extra hour or minute or breath.

to read whitman, sometimes it makes you realize that he was talking crazy. and let's face it: his words were kinda crazy. yet in the midst of his mind's maelstrom, some real things poured out - things that connect to someone like me. things that make sense while making no sense at all.

death brings life. pain brings joy. weakness brings strength.

i'm not interested in getting bogged down in the contradictions anymore. i've come to some terms: not much is clear in the day to day. why am i at this place or that? why does this person like me, while that one doesn't? why am i asking all these damned questions?

so let me be one of those who can lay it down and walk ahead, God. let me feel the wind against my skin and know that it is your breath infusing life into this broken vessel. let me lie in the comfort of unanswered questions and sing loud and love hard until it's time to come home again. that's my prayer. that's all a soul could want.

The last scud of day holds back for me;
It flings my likeness after the rest, and true as any, on the shadow’d wilds;
It coaxes me to the vapor and the dusk.

I depart as air—I shake my white locks at the runaway sun;
I effuse my flesh in eddies, and drift it in lacy jags.

I bequeathe myself to the dirt, to grow from the grass I love;
If you want me again, look for me under your boot-soles.

You will hardly know who I am, or what I mean;
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.

Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged;
Missing me one place, search another;
I stop somewhere, waiting for you.

* from "Leaves of Grass," Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

it really does

last night while on a very long phone call with my mother, i found out that my friend's son died of cancer. he was 10. it's been on its way for awhile, but there is that tension when someone is clinging on to life - the hope that things could turn the other way. it's an odd and stressful kind of limbo to be in.

and as i sat at work today, in the middle of this quicksand-esque project on which i'm currently working, i couldn't help but think how odd it is that as i while away the hours in my cubicle, this woman and her daughter and new husband and stepchildren are somewhere grieving, getting ready for a funeral. and other people are doing just the same thing - or their own version of living, whatever that means to them.

and while some sit in their own private hells, the rest of the world wanders slowly by, pushing papers around, getting the kids up from school, cooking dinner and doing laundry, and on and on. it amazes me that we all pick up the pieces of our lives and get on with the mundane.

there's a saying that my mother has been tossing around the last couple of years: it is what it is. and you know, that's just really true. someone has died. someone is getting married. someone is thinking about moving, or switching jobs, or losing weight. plans are made, promises are broken, tears are shed. and it is what it is.

and you know, i'm not in a personal hell. no one has died recently and while things aren't totally great with me just now, i'm moving forward. in other words, no one would look at my external life and think anything of it. and yet i'm not happy. not globally so, anyway.

i've certainly had my share of pain, of suffering, of all that stuff....and when i was in those places of despair and difficulty, the world looked fresh, promising, even as i grieved. there was a rawness to living that the rest of the world seemed to be missing out on. and i made promises to myself in those moments that i'd never go back to that everyday existence. but i did.

so now, every day, i get up, do my morning routine, head off to work, put in my 9 hours, come back home, do dinner, watch a little tv, talk to a few friends, and then it's off to bed. weekends might involve plans, but really, the months are passing like they're going out of style. and at this point, i have little to show for it. my relationships are what they are: good for the most part, relatively stable. i'm building job experience, blahblahblah. but every day, in the midst of my very exact existence, i wish for something more than what i have.

i don't want to be one of those people who's always looking for the door, always wanting to hold out a little longer, always 'better dealing' it. but i have to be honest: at this point, i know that there's more to this life than what i've got going on.

in the mean time, though, while i wait and waste and wish, life, as it does so well, goes on.

i mean, it really does....

off the hook

well, i bit the bullet. tonight, i purchased what can only be described as the cutest phone ever:). it's the red one, people....

even though it was totally snowing, michael and i braved the elements to procure me this little number. really, i needed it. my old phone had seen MUCH better days.

so now i have to download some cool ring tones and figure out all the nifty features of the built-in camera. but honestly, can i tell you - even with all the bells and whistles, i'm still most excited that it's red:).

yes, i know. i'm a dork.

call me!!

breakaway

i am all turned up and flipped around and i feel like my head is spinning. this weekend was very eye-opening in terms of some bits of hope that have been hibernating and waiting for emergence. talks with friends brought ideas and wonderings about the possibility of taking a step forward in some pretty life-changing ways with michael. talks with michael brought about tears (good ones) and prayers and realizations of my fearful heart and all the ways in which God still has yet to open me up.

but suddenly, even with all that being said, i feel myself opening to second (or third or fourth) chances, to first inklings, to a dream that i didn't want to admit i dreamed. and somehow i can stand for someone to look at me more fully in the face and say what my heart needs to hear.

i'm ready to take the risk, Lord.

i'm ready to break down. break through.

if you can't take the heat....

hello, world. it's been awhile, i know. let me sum up:

valentine's day weekend was lovely. michael came over on sunday and i made him from-scratch spanakopita, a lemon-garlic pork tenderloin, and belgian chocolate cups filled with raspberry sauce, lemon mousse, and fresh raspberries. then, valentine's day proper, he met me here after work and we feasted on jerk marinated game hens (roasted to a crispy mahogany color), herbed texmati brown rice, and roasted brussels sprouts and onions. after dinner, we had some champagne with raspberries that had been soaking in raspberry liqueur and some chocolates from whole foods. tuesday evening, michael took me to the brass elephant for dinner. this was my least favorite meal of the three (i had some problems with my entree and the food wasn't as good as i had remembered it being the last time i was there), but the service was stellar and we had a cozy little table tucked away in an alcove just for us:).

in other words, it was a 3-day food fest, and the rest of the week was sure to be all downhill from there....

tuesday went off without a hitch, but then wednesday evening, after removing a skillet from a 400-degree oven, i grabbed it to pick it up by its handle - NO OVEN GLOVE ON - and wound up badly burning all four fingers and the palm of my right hand. and yes, i AM right-handed.

long story short, michael came over, much crying and wailing ensued, and i managed to eventually swab on some ointment and wrap my hand, only after temporarily numbing it with some solarcaine spray. i then took a percocet and went to bed. work on thursday was maddening, since i had little to no use of my right hand. try writing with only your thumb. it doesn't work so well.

the good news is that i'm feeling much better now. my hand is blistered/scarred, and i can't move it in all the ways i normally would, but it doesn't hurt so much and i'm hoping it'll heal quickly so that i can get on with my life.

besides, i've been on a baking kick of late, and i'm not really that desirous of steering clear of my kitchen.

a brief word to the wise, though: if you truly can't take the heat, keep your potholders handy!

ocular jitters

my right eye has been twitching for three weeks now. but only while i'm at work. that might shed some light on my stress level of late. then again, maybe i'm slowly going blind. i once had a manager at a job inform me that eye twitching was probably nothing to worry about, but then, she said to me - calm as day - 'course, the last time MY eyes twitched, i had a stroke.

um, yeah. THANKS.

in other news, michael has been so sweet to me lately, it's making me cry at my desk. i seriously don't know what to do with myself and in the middle of the day, when you're shedding tears with a twitching eye, it makes you feel like some sort of overemotional freak. but i'm managing. i figure life could be a lot worse than having a man who loves you and cares about every element of your existence.

then again, i could do without the twitch.

meet the fockers, lite

yesterday, michael and i drove down to his parents' house, my parents drove up from virginia, and the someday in-laws had their first gander at the 'other side.' i have to admit, i was kind of nervous about the whole scenario. i mean, my parents are great people - very entertaining and fun - but the same thing that makes them great can also be a little much sometimes. my mother, who is an extremely friendly and welcoming person, gets into 'storytelling mode' and the hits just keep on coming. she and i had made an agreement beforehand that there would be no telling of random family stories and no talking about her job (this, i knew, would be a longshot). but lo and behold, within five minutes of arriving, she was off with a bang....

*sigh*

michael's parents seemed to enjoy themselves, though, and his mom even talked quite extensively about some random family members (lots of names, very little context). somehow in my mind, that evened out the playing field a bit.

in the middle of all this story volleying, michael and i just kind of sat there, listening. i jumped into the conversation at a few isolated points - more as a way to remind myself that i was still present in the situation - but really, it was like a 4-hour talking marathon and after the first mile, i already knew there was no winning this race.

but that's okay; i figure they need to get all the niceties out of their system, and at least there was no arguing or talking of politics. all in all, it went rather well; the food was quite good, and michael and i are still speaking, so i count it a successful evening.

but as we drove home last night, i realized that it's strange to me that i'm at the stage in my life where the prospect of having in-laws doesn't seem so far-fetched. it's just another page in the story, i guess. so i wonder what will happen in the next chapter....

snow and snuggling

i had a positively peachy weekend. after i got to hang out with salimah on friday night, michael was gracious enough to take her home in the snow on saturday morning. then, after getting some videos for us to watch, he came back to my house and we hunkered down and watched the snow rush its way to the ground. the storm, in my opinion, didn't last nearly long enough.

i made us fajitas for dinner and we mixed up a batch of delicious, hearty 'cowboy cookies' - basically, a melange of some whole wheat pastry flour, oatmeal, chocolate chips, walnuts, and the basic butter/sugar/egg/vanilla combination. SO good and so filling! we watched spiderman 2 and part of total recall (who remembered that the acting in this movie truly sucked? i guess i should have known better with the one-two punch of arnie and sharon stone!) and around 12:30, we crumped out (we had already planned he would stay over since i have a guest room and there is no reason he needed to be risking his life getting home in the frozen tundra).

in between the food and the snowfall, we just spent time talking and enjoying each other's company while keeping warm under blankets and with mugs of hot cocoa pressed to our palms. i love being with michael; he soothes my soul....

it was hard to let him go sunday evening, but given the fact that we have somewhat separate lives to lead, parting was inevitable. as i closed the door after him, i couldn't help but wish that he didn't have to go home. or, rather, that he was already there...with me.

but yes, i know, some day he will be....

oh, and to add even more magic to the moment, when i went outside this morning to leave for work, not only had the man removed every bit of snow from my car, but he also shoveled a pathway from the door of my apartment to the door of my vehicle...just for me. have i mentioned that my boyfriend is the best?!

it was too bad, really, that i had to go to work today; it would have been another perfect day for napping and sinking under blankets with my favorite man. here's hoping that the next time snow hits charm city, we're socked in for good....

a girl can dream, can't she?:)

rachael ray is making huevos rancheros in the next room and i'm sitting in my office trying to ignore the fact that i can hear the tv of the lady downstairs. what REALLY interests me right now, however, is the super delish meatloaf i have in the oven; i put a sweet, tomato-y glaze on it with a slight teriyaki nuance. the smells coming from my kitchen are quite heavenly just now. i have nothing much to eat alongside it, but i don't care so much. i may just be eating meat for dinner tonight:)

i'm hoping that an evening of junk TV and an early tuck-in will even things out. and then if the snow is held at bay, this weekend promises a somewhat 'meet the fockers' experience. stay tuned....

back in the land of the living....almost

i've been rather out of commission for awhile now. yes, i know...it's not my preference to leave this much time between blog postings. please forgive. the sickness had overwhelmed me.

i'm feeling much better, although not completely well yet. my voice is still going in and out, the cough is still a bit hacky, and my energy level is still rather low. but other than that, i'm holding my own. in fact, i can almost completely taste food again!

in other news, michael bought me a gazelle power plus machine this weekend and i've already got it set up in my office for when my lung capacity is fully back to normal. truth be told, i'm already using it a bit, but i'm keeping it to a few minutes at a time until i build my endurance back up. it's pretty fun to use and more of a workout than it seems it would be. i'm hoping to work my way up to using it 4 times a week. we'll see how that goes!

also, salimah and i went shopping yesterday at hecht's and exchanged a coffee maker she had gotten me for christmas and instead got me a new set of knives:). i can't tell you how long i've been needing decent knives, and this particular set comes with a free santoku knife - which i've also been wanting for quite awhile! i also got two fabulous handbags and matching wallets, along with some facial moisturizer and a new mousepad.

and now that i have detailed all my purchases for the rest of the world, i'm going to eat some coconut shrimp and rice for dinner and then watch my very favorite addiction for two whole hours. *sigh* mediocre talent and fried seafood - BRING IT ON!

:)