i'm channeling effie white

i finally saw 'dreamgirls' this afternoon. well, i saw MOST of it. i fell asleep part of the way through and was zonked out for a good 25 minutes...so once it was over, i retraced my steps to the part where i lost consciousness. i must say, i'm not generally a huge fan of modern movie-musicals (chicago, evita, moulin rouge), but this one was really pretty good. there were a few scenes in which the music transitions were a little cheesy, but overall, it captured my attention and my emotion. and i'll tell you one thing - that jennifer hudson can BLOW.

in other news, salimah stayed over last night and we went to wegman's (the weg, as i call it) at about 7:15 this morning. it was really the perfect time to shop....so few people around, it made maneuvering the little go-cart contraption rather simple. newsflash: i'm still not walking around much these days. one foot gets worse while the other gets better. or, more specifically, the thing that helps one foot makes the other worse. it's at the point where i'm applying for a temporary handicapped parking tag because the amount of walking i'm doing is NOT helping me in the least. i seriously hate being limited like this, but i don't know what else to do.

i'm hoping that things can heal significantly within the next month or so. i'm going to chicago on july 19 for a long weekend with salimah and my friend amy. can't wait. i need to find out just whether or not chicago really is my kind of town.

on the docket for tonight: cook up some chicken-feta-spinach burgers, watch a little tube, have a delicious phone conversation, and then sleep. i'm beginning to move some plans forward for myself, and i'm telling you one thing: i ain't quitting until something gives. sometimes it's all about that.

crack

of dawn, that is....that's what time i got up this morning. but you know what? i've been getting up at LEAST an hour early EVERY morning for the last two weeks. this daylight at 5 a.m. thing is killing my sleep schedule!!

i'm heading in to work early today because i have a follow-up podiatrist appointment (please, dear Lord, let the man give me cortisone - my right foot is killing me). after weeks on end of wearing das boot, i've had to go old school for the last week or so because the little dictator ripped some skin off my leg on a trip to wegman's 10 days ago. let's just say it wasn't pretty and it was hurting like a beast. also, i must say that it pretty much ruined the progress my other foot had made by putting more pressure on that foot to keep up with the height difference. one foot gets better at the expense of the other. hmm. my feet are like social classes! das boot being the rich, unfeeling, hoity-toity stepping on (figuratively speaking) the needs of the lower down, athletic-shoe-only-wearing citizen next to it. jerk. i never did like that left foot anyway.

okay, i've started something i can't finish. i'm going to work.

ridiculous

the last few days have had their share of weirdisms. here's one i can share (and let me just mention at the outset that i was OUTRAGED): i got a FAKE ticket from the district of columbia. no, actually, the ticket is real. it was issued in ERROR. apparently some highly qualified, competent individual down there at the traffic office mis-entered a license plate for a car, and despite the fact that the picture CLEARLY shows a gray toyota, they have charged my RED JETTA with a ticket for speeding through the 3rd street tunnel in DC on may 3. okay, i don't even know where that is.

so i tried calling and leaving a strongly worded message, but of course the machine was full (probably of messages left by other people who had been errantly charged with violations). finally i reached a human being when the office opened yesterday morning and i was interrupted and told that it would be investigated and someone would call me back. i'm like, 'hi, it's not my car.' the woman didn't even let me finish as she quipped back, 'well, ma'am, if you know it's not your car, that's all that's important.' what? yeah, whatever.

at least i got out of jury duty due to the brokenness of my foot.

and may i just say that we're having a cookout at work tomorrow. this has me truly psyched. i've said it before: i need to get out more.

"hi, what about our breakfast??"

this is a direct quote from salimah, who is bothering me to no end to feed her (apparently her arms are broke). she would like you all to know that, "with her detox regimen, it's very important for her to eat right away." i can attest to this, as last night, she nearly gnawed off my arm.

anyhoo, my new favorite song is 'makes me wonder' by maroon 5. i'm actually obsessed with it. and furthermore, i'm craving sushi on a daily basis. just thought you'd want to know.

these are the only updates i can provide the world at this juncture. i am now going to feed the beast. interpret that how you will.

lately

i'm about to run out the door because i'm going to work early this morning, but i've been marinating a few thoughts in my head for the last couple of weeks, and i think they're ready to come out now.

you know, the last few months of my own life have been marked by a certain level of disappointment. no, let me correct: the last year. i'm not sure precisely what's been going on in the grand scheme, but the day-to-day has felt largely like drudgery. i know i've hinted or outright stated this before, so forgive me that this isn't 'news,' but in light of the events of the last 6 weeks, this statement is even more true.

in addition, some of my friends - salimah especially - have experienced quite a bit of confusion, frustration, sadness, etc. over the events of their own lives this last year, and the tension seems to continually mount with little to no resolution. and at the end of the day, i keep coming back to the same thing in my mind: this is just another day in a long series of days that will be either good or bad or some mixture of both. in short, it IS what it is.

i'm starting to feel like there are times where there is a lesson to be learned and times where one just has to keep LIVING and not dwell too much on what's happening. i have always been the type of person to attach a decent (okay, huge) amount of significance to nearly everything in my life...a real purpose...and i'm just not sure that's always wise. life isn't a novel or a movie or a sitcom...or anything accurately resembling any of those things. in fact, that's why we're drawn to them, really - because they almost always work out a lot neater than real life ever does.

maybe it's been a form of self-comforting that i've used throughout my life to make it through some particularly difficult times. maybe it's true and i'm just becoming jilted. or maybe it's neither and i'm being overly analytical. that wouldn't surprise me, to tell you the truth.

i guess what has really meant the most for me in terms of application and getting on with my life, though, has been this new sense of 'going with the flow' that i never seemed to have in the past but which i've had to adopt this past year. my coworkers have noticed it in the way i approach my work. i'm less anxious. i'm less affected by things. and this is for the better, considering how i once was.

my new code of conduct for myself involves being utterly present in what's going on and yet in no way in NEED of any given scenario, because i find that as soon as i truly feel that need, things seem to dissolve before my eyes. i'm not giving up; i'm just refusing to give IN and let anything overwhelm me. and as a result, i'm able to enjoy things more for what they are and recover more quickly when they turn out to be something different than what was apparent at the beginning.

in short, maybe i'm growing up a little bit more. that's not such a bad thing, considering i'll be turning 32 in 6 weeks. i know i always come back to this point, but it really IS just one foot in front of the other, over and over. keep walking. keep seeing what there is to see. keep hoping that i make it to wherever i'm meant to wind up. i will. i must. that's the point, isn't it?

leisure

this weekend has been a balm to me. friday kicked off with the office crab feast (and thankfully we were under a cover so that i didn't get crispy like last year), after which i picked up salimah, we hit chicken out for a quick, cheap dinner, and then we came home to watch a movie (i fell promptly asleep).

saturday morning, we got up early because i had a hair appointment first thing (i love my hair just after it's freshly chopped). then we grabbed some sushi and salad from trader joe's, came home and munched while we watched a truly stupid french film, and then later got ourselves together and went over to my friend vanessa's for a cookout with her boyfriend and family. it was a truly relaxing evening...good food, good conversation, adorable babies (nearly 2, actually) to smile at. i managed to get caught in a torrential downpour after i dropped saliamh off at her place and despite accidentally flinging my keys onto the ground and getting my boot and the left half of me rather wet, my purse (and hair!) stayed dry, so all was not lost:).

today i woke up early, ate some breakfast, took a nap, and have been doing freelance ever since to the backdrop of some fun movies i've seen before. i need a day of complete downtime to gear up for yet another very busy week ahead.

i'm off now to elevate the foot, drink some water, and find more typos. maybe someday i'll have something less newsy to say. 'til then, happy mother's day!

so check it

i'm into lists and snippety updates lately, people. deal with it:).

my foot is a hot mess. today when i took off my brace, i had this weird band of swelling running up from my ankle to my 4th toe (which is in the location of the theoretical stress fracture). my 4th and 5th toes are now kinda cold (swelling will do that to you), and my other foot is starting to act up again. i swear. my feet are like rivalrous siblings!

in other news, tomorrow i have some painters coming to cover up some water damage (AGAIN) in my apartment. this is only the 4th or 5th time this has had to be done since i moved in 3 years ago. can i say? i'm over it.

furthermore, in the grand tradition of salimah and i living essentially the same life, i, too, do not understand men and their ways. they confound me. maybe they always will. i dunno. i'm just thankful that the week is more than half over and i don't have to figure all of this out tonight.

in a lovely twist, my friend ness and i wound up at one of my stomping grounds tonight for dinner - the little mexican place up the street from me. their shredded beef enchiladas (with red sauce, of course) are off the CHAIN, as they say.

oh, and then on friday of this week, it's the company crab feast. no doubt some gut-busting moments will be had at that soiree. for now, though, i'm off to beddie-bye and to think about the possibility of a life that makes a tad more sense than the one i'm living right now.

finally, in the ongoing spirit of non-sequiturs: haircut on saturday. i'm no longer looking cute, so we must rectify this problem. chop it!

in brief

okay, wow. so, i'm going to be 32 in just under 2 months, one of my little cousins (not so little anymore, really) and a college friend are getting married soon, i'm wearing (as devika called it) a storm trooper boot, i'm still working way too many hours, and i've been called for jury duty in baltimore city next month.

that's just about all the news on my end.

oh, and i'm officially ready to pack my car and drive somewhere far away....even if just for a long weekend. i need a break. a good one.

das boot

okay, so it's been a crazy week. i've been ridiculously busy work-wise, going to bed as early as possible, and today i found out that i likely have a stress fracture in my left foot. as if i didn't have enough problems with it already! so basically, i'm in this for the next 2 weeks:


um, yeah. can i just say - i'm not happy about this!? it's not comfortable to walk in, and basically, unless i'm in the shower (yes, that's right, i have to wear this to bed), i'm supposed to have it on 24/7. ugh.

anyway, the thought of having to run errands (or do anything else, really - INCLUDING walk up the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment) is rather daunting right now. needless to say i cried a little after i left....

can i please catch a break here? please.

errands, chores, etc.

it's not quite 10 a.m. on sunday morning and already i've been up, had breakfast, and done a big shop at wegman's. (i haven't grocery shopped in awhile, and my supplies were either old or dwindling or both.) i have one more load down in the car of paper products (and maybe some bananas thrown in for good measure) and then i'm going to drop a bag of videos off at goodwill, take 2 bags of trash to the community dump, and come back home to clean, launder clothes, and do work. i intend to watch nothing on television or dvd until i feel i've gotten some things accomplished today.

wish me perseverance....

dine out for life

brief recap: this past weekend was a BLAST. amy and i went to annanpolis, had lots of fun meals and cocktails, and just basically HUNG OUT (which we never get to do, so it was LONG overdue). it was so nice to just be in the same room with her for several days at a time, talk about how we've changed sine college (it was our 10-year hopkins reunion this past weekend), how we haven't changed, how we WANT to change in the next 10 years, etc. it was a perfect long weekend....

not much else has been going on since, except that last night, i dined out for life with 3 of my coworkers/friends at the city cafe and then spent about 20 minutes wandering around mt. vernon looking for my friend's car (she couldn't remember where she parked it). it was a hilarious end to the evening.

i'm off to work now but before i go, a big shout out to a former ms. devika keral mono who is now DR. devika keral mono (not her real name). congrats, devika. you are a complete star and i'm thrilled that the world will now be able to experience your genius on a more professionally recognized level. rock on!

checking in

i've been on a little vacation for the last couple of days. my dear friend amy is visiting from michigan, so we've been tooling around this fair city like it's going out of style. this morning, we're heading to annapolis for the day and we're contemplating an o's game later (but we'll just have to see about all that).

something i've realized: i really DO love the life of leisure. really. it's my favorite.

today i'm in search of a fun beverage and the smell of waterfront air. off to find them.

what i've been up to since last i blogged

1. taxes: i paid our lovely govt about 1400 bucks. oy!
2. sleeping: it's my new favorite thing, apparently, since i can't seem to stay awake much past 10 these days (if that).
3. strawberries: i got some HUGE ones at whole foods this weekend. mad sale, yo.
4. placido domingo: yesterday was all about schmaltzig love songs by that operatic chanteur. man, he's got some pipes:).
5. avoiding phone calls: honestly, if you've called me recently and i haven't called you back, PLEASE don't be offended. i swear i don't hate you. i just don't have it in me to talk about my life right now with most people.
6. blockbusta: i watched about 6 movies this weekend. classic.
7. mat kearney: i heart him.
8. triple onion cream cheese: again, the wf.
9. errands: it's a good way to keep the stress down - just take a little tour around town picking things up.
10. nothing else, really. i just wanted a #10.

like a record, baby

i had wacked out dreams last night, and the wind was whipping so fast and furious, it made the roof sound like it was going to come apart. (who knows? maybe it has.) this morning my eyes itch like no one's business and i find myself having self-pep talks in the shower. hey, whatever holds it together, you know?

if you're trying to remain at the center of a spinning circle, it's best to focus on that center and not the outlying regions which, quite often, feel as though they're spinning beyond your control. my goal for today is to stay in that center...or at least as close to it as i can...and preferably without losing my lunch in the process.

because it's the only way

okay, so i've had a revolutionary train of thought today: what would it cost me to believe that my life...that my life right now, specifically, is going to be okay? what if i extended my hope in God to work things out in a way that not only is for my 'ultimate good' but could make me happy RIGHT NOW? what if i make up my mind to be at peace with where i am, say what it is that i'm hoping for, and then believe in my heart that it could be possible?

is it crazy? maybe. do i choose it? you betcha.

but it's real

do you even know what goes on in a heart anymore?
constellations turned into little polaroids in a cardboard box
and i wanted so desperately to prove
you were still breathing but you wouldn't move.
okay, okay what a thing to choose
this one's gonna bruise.

i am willing to acknowledge that what i'm about to say may not have much to do with what most people know as faith, but i'm going to say it anyway.

i don't want to get on the wagon of pity and ride around town tonight, but i have to admit that i'm having a really hard time finding good in the circumstances of my life lately. and, if you want to know the truth, if i look at things all spread out in front of me, there have been many more times of sorrow than of joy...more rejections than acceptances...more people walking away than walking toward. i don't know if i can take it anymore.

is it faithless for me to say that i'm tired of my life being mostly about hurting and 'getting over' things? is it a horrible thing that i would really appreciate if something could go my way for once? maybe i'm being petulant, but you know what? i don't care. i really don't.

the main reason that i can't relate to a lot of people who identify themselves as christians is that they can't hear someone having real feelings, real doubts, real moments of human grumbling and crying out with 'why, God, why?!' for years, i wasn't comfortable with those things either. i mean, sure, in my heart i was feeling that way, but i was terrified to let it out because i didn't know what it would MEAN for me say say such things. heaven forbid i should fail to acknowledge God's plan for my life by spewing my doubt-filled laments all over the place.

well, you know what? God better be strong enough to take all of this, because if He's not, then we're all in a heap of trouble.

and so it's a saturday night, and i've done 3 loads of laundry and spent the day working on freelance stuff, and my heart is aching in ways i can't explain.

God, if you can still hear me after all this time, please find a way to bend your ear to my heart tonight. it's filled with a lot of junk...it has been for awhile. i don't know what to do with it. i seem to remember something about your goodness and mercy. i'm tired of being bruised. i'm tired of hurting and crying and waiting to be let down again. if that's how it's gonna be, then please let's change the plan. at this point, i need good answers. i need to know this all matters to you. these are my thoughts, my fears. the world will judge me by its standards. people will treat me like i'm less than they are because of the way i look. boys will reject me for any and every reason. i'll be overlooked and overlooked and overlooked. the cup will taste bitter nearly every day. and this feels real because it's what i live, but somehow i refuse to believe it. i refuse to believe that it won't change some day, even despite what i see all around me.

tell me if i'm being stupid. tell me if i should give up. tell me to stop trying, will you? maybe i can rest for awhile instead...instead of hoping and hurting and hoping some more. some days i don't want this burden to bear. this is one of them. i'm saying it. it's not pretty and it smacks of doubt and questions, but it's real. i hope that's good enough for you. it's all i've got.

while this will in no way suffice

there are so many things i don't understand right now, i can't even begin to write about them. if you're a praying person, please lift some up for me right now.

some things i've learned maybe even this very day

love is brazen. it often shows up unannounced and, sometimes, at the most inopportune times. it leaves deep marks on your skin, on your heart, on your mind. it must weave itself into your DNA, because there's no other reason why, when it goes, its leaving is so particularly painful, so utterly undefinable, so seemingly impossible in every way.

sadness, i've realized, is often love's less than lovely twin (or at least sidekick) and possesses properties that are very much the same. in my own life, i have seen it dwell in places i didn't even know existed. and depending on your circumstances, it may very well hang out in all of the places love frequents. it feels indelible....and sure, it may fade, but i find that it never really goes away somehow. there are always traces of it. and you can be living your life, unaware of a shift in the emotional sands, so to speak, and there it is, ready to deliver a one-liner so brilliant and seductive that it slays you all over again.

the human heart - my heart - really IS so very, very fickle. so confused. so often misguided. so in need of reminding where it belongs (and where was that again?). i guess i say all of this to say that i've been going through some rough patches over the last few months. my times of respite have been due mainly to some little people that i don't even know but with whom i've been connecting in subtle ways.... the best thing in the world is to focus on someone OTHER than yourself. the rest of the time leaves you swimming about in your own situations. too often i find myself drowning in them.

it would be easy for some people, perhaps, to allow their emotions to be dictated solely by circumstance. i'm not really there anymore. it amazes me, actually, how some things in my life can be 'working out,' or at least moving in that direction, and how i can still feel utterly desolate...trapped under the thumb of a grief that is greater than myself. feeling like the only one who really DOES get it is God, and He feels entirely too far away from me. so it's easter and i'm alone, and sadness is luring me with its siren song, and i'm aware of feeling about a million things at once. and i wish it weren't true, but what i really feel i need right now is some cool sheets to surround me and maybe some advil to ease the pounding behind my eyes. i've gotten nothing figured out except that i'm teetering on the edge of something that feels good and something that feels bloody awful.

and maybe tomorrow i'll be able to stop the madness and know something real for once and maybe, just maybe, love will be brazen with me again. i've got a chance. i really have no other choice but to take it.

can i just tell you...

...that being pursued by a man (as opposed to doing the lion's share of the legwork, for one reason or another) is really the ONLY way to go?

if april showers bring may flowers, what does april sunshine bring?

i've nearly started this blog entry about four times now, but for whatever reason, only this time did i actually start typing.

where to start?

well, first of all, i had a most fantastic weekend. it started out rocky on friday because i wasn't feeling so well, but things pulled themselves together eventually. not only did salimah and i have a wonderful dinner with the lindners (including gifts of homemade pottery, time with two doggies, and getting to meet their daughters, both of whom are lovely people), but i'm realizing that there might just be a little something for me out there after all....

in other news, i'm stressed out about all the stuff i have to do (both at home and at work), and today i performed some feats of stress eating involving chocolate-covered marshmallow eggs and pringles. i'm a professional. please don't try this at home....

april may be looking up in some ways after all....no fools this time around, i hope;).