i'm being stalked by my cable company for a bill i've already paid.

i'm not sure what to say about that, but their automated system KEEPS calling me and telling me that it's 'urgent we speak with you.' so i patiently wait on the line, and either i get disconnected, or no one ever shows up. (i'm sorry, but if i have to wait for you for more than 5 minutes when YOU CALLED ME, i feel that's beyond the scope of what is reasonable.)

i find it hilarious that, in this day and age, these computerized systems can't seem to synch themselves up. i mean, shouldn't this 'highly sophisticated' piece of auto-calling genius (replete with scary-sounding deep-voiced man) be able to access my account and realize that i've got a ZERO balance? it's smart enough to dial me and harass me; why can't it go the extra step?

thank goodness i've managed to memorize their number so that when they call me sometimes up to THREE times a day, i can promptly ignore the call. perhaps i should just start calling them and leaving THEM stern messages about how they only called me twice today and if you're going to errantly stalk me, you'd better do a better job about it.

that'd teach 'em.

you'll forgive my recent silence, blog world. i'm just really rather empty lately.

some things just aren't worth it

there are moments in life when it really feels like there is NO ONE who gets you. i'm having one of those moments.

relative accomplishment

well, after many hours of tidying, dusting, vacuuming, scrubbing, and garbaging (okay, so i made that one up), my apartment has reached a level of cleanliness with which i can be satisfied—at least for now.

i don't want to be overly newsy (but deal with it, because i've got nothing pithy to say), so here's a brief rundown of the rest of my saturday:

1. quick visit with my very good friend kim that involved, among other things, talk about cookie decorating
2. trip to macy's with salimah (at which i purchased a cuisinart juicer i've been wanting for about 2 years—it was on sale) so that SHE could get a DVD player, only to find out that they no longer sell electronics: bummer
3. grocery store (quick trip)
4. chicken thighs mounded with cornbread-sour cherry-cashew stuffing—buttery and crisp after baking
5. 'click' with adam sandler: in general, enjoyable, but it did get rather macabre at the end
6. laundry: 2 loads
7. sleepsville

today is shaping up to be a visit to freelance town (with some more laundry thrown in). productive weekends really ARE the best, but i'm also kind of wiped out lately. is it wrong that i miss the vegging a little? (food network, i still love you.)

birthday cake + dust bunnies = snarky me

i'm so thankful this week is over. i plan on having a long talk with my pillow tonight. seriously, i'm exhausted.

today at work, we had our monthly employee birthday recognition cake. normally, i don't partake...grocery store cakes don't do much for me. but for some reason, i was craving a little something sweet. suffice it to say that i had not only a piece of cake, but a little strawberry ice cream AND some peanut m&ms. i don't think i need to tell you that i was ROLLING on that sugar high. all kinds of funny (or perhaps insane) stuff was flowing from my mouth for the next hour. i'm certain all my coworkers thought (think) i'm even more nuts than they suspected before.

despite the fact that i've already kind of crashed and am now fully in the mellow swing of things, i have to drum up enthusiasm sufficient to clean my HOT MESS of an apartment tonight. and really, i know that it could theoretically wait until tomorrow, but i've got news for you: if i wait, it ain't happening.

so basically, this means i'm in a less than stellar mood.

but you know what? i'm gonna feel so freaking good once i do these chores. i'm going to don my cleaning garb—bandana, sweat pants, flip flops, old t-shirt—and make some headway. those dust bunnies won't even know what hit 'em!

straight to the point...except not

after work upon work this evening, salimah and i went over to chili's for a burger. it hit the spot. so did our conversation about people with jacked up agendas and the inability (or unwillingness) to grow a pair and call someone back.

and when all is said and done, i can't even be that mad, because what does it matter anyhow?

and if i'm being honest, i'm sad tonight. because i can't have what it is that i feel like i'm supposed to have. how can everything point in one direction, except the funny little thing called what's actually going on?

God, if i even knew one thing right now, i feel like i'd be at least in the game. forget about being ahead of it.

safe(not really "safe," per se, but safe enough)way

on the way home from work this afternoon, i made a 'quick' stop in at the safeway near my house (and by 'quick,' i was hoping for 10 minutes; it wound up being more like 35 or 40) to grab some dinner. i ordered a turkey sandwich with cranberries and havarti cheese from the deli and then, of course, while i was there, i noticed that they had a sale on lean cuisine and steam-in-the-bag veggies, so i picked up some of those. oh, and some organic, unsweetened bottled iced tea for a buck each (got 4 of those), some whipped yoplait for 50 cents each (again, 4), bananas (yup, you guessed it...), and i don't even remember what else.

what is it with me? i can't go into the store and return with just 2 or 3 things. i always see things on sale - or that i need - or that i could just buy now and save myself the trouble later. it's never simple.

either way, though, my freezer is STOCKED with frozen dinners and quick veggie options. this is good for me right now. i don't have much in the way of time to be cooking meals. i've got too much occupying my hours these days (got to bring home the turkey bacon).

and tonight is shaping up to be another busy night. now if i could only get this headache to go away....

restored

i got a new phone yesterday afternoon. after spending 2.5 hours (yes, you read that right) at the sprint store near me, dealing with a slightly unpleasant female manager, and haggling with the customer service people over the phone about why they won't cut a girl A BREAK (for crying out loud), i took my measly 75-dollar credit (it should have been 150, but sprint recently changed their freaking rules - and don't think i didn't give them a piece of my mind about this) and purchased a sleek little black number.



to be honest, the price was right, it has bluetooth (which is a bonus), rocks the camera (which i'd gotten to used to having to go back to a phone without one), and it WORKS when i turn it on (that last one was a major selling point). plus, a friend of mine has one, and he feels that it's supa fly. i feel that i agree....

anyhoo, so far, i'm just relieved as all get-out to be able to call my mama (which i just did; she seemed happy about it). everyone breathe a sigh of relief along with me. go ahead. it'll make you feel better....

oh, and if you haven't heard from me in awhile, don't be surprised if you get a little ringie-ringie in your life:).

i have a confession to make. last night, at around 3:45, i woke from the place i had zonked out on the couch and then proceeded to obsess about my now-completely-dead phone. i ransacked a few drawers looking for my original packaging, hoping against hope that i might have a USB cord that goes with the phone through which i could download stuff from my phone to my computer. no such luck.

so, instead of getting into bed to get warm and toasty and to, well, go back to SLEEP (and it was SUPER cold in my room, too), i sat at the computer reading blogs and watching youtube videos in a too-thin for the cold nightgown until about 6:30 in the morning. what is wrong with me?

okay, well, i don't quite have the answer to that one, but suffice it to say that i'm going to scrape my nickels and dimes together and see about getting me a new phone today. i can't even call my mother and my best friend. times are tough.

interment

the sky this morning was a beautiful sight: puffy gray clouds with the brightest sunbeams straining through them. to me, it was God's reminder of His presence in the midst of sorrow.

i drove to work early so that i could leave by 9 and make it down for salimah's dad's funeral. as my car sped down the highway, i saw a lone hawk circling in the sky. the scripture that kept coming to my mind was isaiah 40:31:

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

they will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

God reminded me in that moment that those words apply not only in this life here and now, but forevermore. daryl harvey was in a physically weakened state. his body was wracked with the effects of severe diabetes. his body had betrayed him for too long, and even walking had become more and more difficult over time. his passing was sudden and yet something we had expected for awhile now....and, as always, it happened much too soon.

in God's presence, daryl's strength has been perfectly renewed. his body is no longer held back by the devastating impact of illness or pain. he is whole; the years in which he lacked health have been restored to him, and then some. he IS finally home. my heart is filled with so much joy in knowing that.

it was, to say the least, a hard day. lots of tears, moments of prayerful sorrow, and holding this family whose sadness will travel with them for a long time. but even in the midst of grief, we had pockets of such laughter. what i love about salimah and her sisters is that there is always room to find hilarity, even in the midst of seriousness. some of my favorites from the day:

• the limo driver whose speech was unintelligible but whose cell phone ringer was james brown's 'i feel good' (and it went off during the ceremony at quantico....imagine james brown's 'HEY! i feel good....' echoing across a lovely green meadow. priceless.)
  
• one of the pastors who, while praying, referred to those gathered as 'mens and womens.' none of us could quite get over that one.
  
• while standing beside the casket right before the service, through tears, salimah plainly announced, 'these flowers smell like feet.'
  
• the woman reading the obituary who, when confronted with the fact that she didn't know the word 'eclectic' decided to change it to 'excellent' and managed, without fail, to mispronounce several people's names - salimah's mother's and sister's included.

it just goes to show you....despite the occasion, you just need some levity sometimes. it keeps you sane, i think.

so, it is with heavy heart and weary eyes that i say goodbye to salimah's daddy, daryl harvey. i thank God for you, daryl, and most of all, i thank God that salimah's heart and yours were at peace with one another. she loved you deeply, profoundly...both despite and because of who you are. and because of that, i love you, too. rest in peace, daryl...renewed and strong and finally where you are meant to be.

><>

quick question

should i be at all concerned about myself that i have a nick lachey song stuck in my head?

snapshots of sunday

brilliant sun and impressionist clouds (monet couldn't have done it better himself.)
verdent key limes tied in a mesh bag
blood orange italian soda
creamy gorgonzola (its destiny is a pasta dish.)
children laughing in the parking lot
red pen smeared on my pinky knuckle
windows open, wool socks, favorite warm-up jacket
two songs looping simultaneously through my head (one ryan adams, the other the fray)
dusty furniture
clean sheets
cafe con leche
nervous stomach
stack of books to sell on amazon
way too many pens and pencils
brown sugar-vanilla hand lotion
real estate listings
to-do list for life

fog

the last several days have been one big blur. first salimah's dad passed away. then her grandfather fell down some stairs and is now on life support in the hospital; he may or may not make it. these two things are very overwhelming and have been consuming much of my emotional energy and concern for salimah's family - one of her sisters in particular.

on top of all of that, my phone (my one and only phone) is almost dead, and i can't afford to buy a new one; i owe the electric company a TON of money, because the summer's rate hike totally killed me; and my right eye is swollen and i'm wondering if there's something really wrong.

other than all of THAT, i'm really tired. i mean really tired. i haven't felt like myself for days. i don't think i'm sleeping very well. i just hurt for salimah and her family, and i can't believe all of this has transpired since tuesday....

after work tonight, i got salimah from the light rail, and she and a couple of coworkers of mine met up for drinks and dinner. it was nice to be out and about, having some cocktails, but i also felt very strange and out of place....things feel very different right now. maybe i'm just suffering from exhaustion, but it seems like something more. it's hard to live your life in 'situation normal' mode when nothing is normal. it's way too disorienting.

and i can't even finish this post with some type of witty ending, so i'm just ending it. right here.

there really isn't anything more heartbreaking than hearing the voice of someone you love on the other end of the phone, crying.

"my father's dead."

collect

n. a short prayer comprising an invocation, petition, and conclusion

today is a sad day. my best friend in the world is, in all likelihood, about to lose the only father she's ever really known, and there's nothing that can be done—at least not by any human hands. salimah and her sisters and mom are family to me. there is no distinction; they are mine and i am theirs. and so i mourn along with them. i sit and wait with them. i pray with them and for them. their sorrow is my sorrow...their pain, my pain.

the years haven't always been kind to this family, but what i have seen is people who, despite circumstances, keep getting up and getting on with things....women whose faces bear the character that only suffering can bring. it's true what they say: pain makes you beautiful. and within the hurt, there is laughter and a fierce loyalty to one another that holds them up, even in their grief.

if you are one who prays, please join with me. this family needs comfort, support, assurance. and that man, lying in a hospital bed, needs to know the rest his life has never let him fully grasp. may God grant it to him now.

writing to reach you

i'm not sure who it is that i want to read this. and frankly, at this moment, i don't really care who does.

i just deleted some electronic letters i've been saving for more than 4 years. they were things i'd written to 'somebody, someday,' but just now, i couldn't bear the thought of keeping them another day. i don't want to hold on.

or do i?

i've been asking myself some hard questions lately about who i am and what i want these days, and i've come up with precious few answers that make any real sense to me. and honestly, i don't know what's worth saving and what should be disposed of. i don't feel particularly savvy anymore in the realm of keepsakes, or hopes, or dreams, or 'someday.'

i do know, however, that i don't want to write any more letters that i will keep and subsequently stumble over some 5 years from now....letters that will serve to make me realize only how little has actually changed. some things need to go away forever, because nothing associated with them will ever hope to be anything more than a reminder of something i need to forget.

look, maybe i'm being all melodramatic here, and you know what? that's okay. i'm cutting myself some slack, because it hasn't been the easiest year for me. no, scratch that, 5 years for me. no, scratch that, 31 years for me. and sometimes i'm confused and i just want to throw it all away and start over again. but i can't. the truth is that i can't. so instead, i'm being honest and i'm putting myself out there, and maybe you won't understand me anyway. and that's okay. because i'm okay.

and it doesn't really matter to me if you're reading this, remember?

tequila!

the chile party last night was super fun. i got to hang out with some coworkers (and spouses) that i don't visit with nearly enough, and occasionally, some rather inebriated people would show up at our table and announce that we needed another shot (of tequila, of course). the last shot of the evening was done in honor of the guy who shouts 'tequila!' in the song of the same name. he died yesterday at the age of 77.

i wasn't what i would call intoxicated, but i definitely felt rather nice by the end of the evening, and i certainly had no trouble zonking out when we got home. and all throughout my sleep, every time i rolled over and caught a whiff of my hair, i was right back there with my friends, having great talks, and smelling the air, heavy with grilling chile peppers and the smoke from the chiminea in the backyard.

everyone knows i'm in over my head....

i don't know what's up with me, but i can't seem to get moving today. i had all this stuff i wanted to accomplish before noon, and i've done none of it. in fact, i laid in bed this morning and watched the movie 'baby boom' on TNT or TBS or one of those cable channels that shows 80s films on weekend mornings.

in a couple of hours, i'm going to an annual chile party (no, not chili) with salimah, something i've been looking forward to since last year's bash. what's not to like: delish food, plentiful sangria, and lots of fun people whooping it up (last year, there was even a broadway showtune-singing portion of the evening). my goal is to eat well, laugh a lot, and hopefully not make a fool out of myself in front of any coworkers....

now then, my phone is basically dead. and i'm more than just a little annoyed about this because a) it's my only phone (i have no land line) and b) sprint recently changed their 'once-every-18-months-we-give-you-money-for-a-new-phone' policy to a two-year thing, so i'm basically screwed for another three months. at this point, i'm seriously considering some stern tones and not-so-subtle suggestions that they need to help. me. OUT. we'll see how it all shakes down, but suffice it to say that i need a new phone. one that doesn't die after 3 minutes of operation.

okay, so phone woes, slackerness, and future partying aside, i am in a serious rut here. i've never felt more strongly the need to pull everything in, assess what i've got, and make some decisions about what to do next. i need a regrouping. i've said it before and i'll say it again: my life is screaming for a makeover.

to that end, i purchased a 90-day write-on calendar this week so that i can start to map out the next three months of my life. i'm definitely feeling a detailed layout, right down to the 'these are the nights of the week i'll cook, and these are the nights i'll be eating leftovers' kind of minutia. we'll see how it goes. i just have so much that needs to be accomplished before the start of '07, and i'll be darned if i slide into the end of the year without some agenda items crossed off my master list. now if i could only carve out the time to write on the freaking calendar, i'd be all right.

is it me, or is it getting a little overwhelmed in here?

'he was old enough to be my child.'**

today, i engaged in some rather random flirtation with the counter help at a rather unknown pseudo-sandwich establishment. i say 'pseudo-sandwich' because all of the sandwiches are basically wraps. and i'm sorry, but a wrap is NOT a sandwich.

now that we've gotten that cleared up, this young person with whom there was flirting was wearing a hat that was slightly askew. he informed me that he had just moved down here from brooklyn, and he was studying for the LSATs next week (he also told me how nervous he was, to which i replied that he'd be just fine). all during this flirtation, a rather forward man from some south asian country (my vote is for india) was insistently shouting out the names of various wraps i should try, but he was also mumbling while he shouted. i'm not sure how this is possible, but trust me, it was working, because even though he was loud, i couldn't understand him. i was making out words here and there....'somethingsomething TURKEY' and 'SOUTHWEST somethingsomething.' really, i was trying to ignore him. mr. skewed-hat was giving me his opinion on the most popular menu items and i prefer flirty to shouty-mumbling.

so, feeling pressured because i was the only customer, and i was being stared at by these two gentlemen who seemed excited to take my freaking order, i decided on some fun-sounding turkey wrap and stood there looking aimlessly around the store. mr. flirty didn't cease his dialogue, though. he asked me where i worked, and when i told him, he inquired further as to what we do there. when i told him, he replied simply, 'word.'

so i'm all like, 'totally.'

how old am i again?

okay, so the verdict is that the pseudo-sandwich was rather tasty, and i will, in all likelihood, be back to try some other variety (hopefully without the shouty-mumbling). and mr. flirty skewed-hat, wherever you are, good luck on the LSATs.

**this is what i informed my coworker when she asked me how young i thought mr. flirty skewed-hat really was.

'if i could turn back time....' (thanks, cher)

sometimes people ask me, 'if you could go back to any portion of your life and live it over again, what part would you repeat and what would you do differently?'

it's an interesting question, really, and one for which i rarely have an answer. see, normally, i feel like all my experiences—good, bad, or otherwise—have helped shape me into the person i currently am.

okay, but now i have an actual answer. i know no one's posing the question, so i'm taking the liberty of doing it myself.

"so, sarah, if you could return to any part of your life and relive it....(you know the rest)?"

so, like, how about 15 minutes ago before i decided it was a good time of night to trim my eyebrows and i managed—in one fell swoop—to COMPLETELY REMOVE THE OUTER HALF OF MY LEFT EYEBROW?

yeah, good one.