i have an agenda today: to do as little as possible.

i have a few loads of laundry i need to wash for the coming week, but other than that, i have no plans....i love that. delicious, lazy days are so few and far between, i aim to cherish them when they do come along.

so, enough of this blogging for now; i have an appointment with my dvd player and my sofa....

it's finally starting to just barely feel like fall around these parts, although i sense summer's hesitation to loosen its grip on the world. no matter. it will be overtaken any day now - i just know it.

i'm sincerely glad this week is almost over. not sure why, specifically. i just really love a weekend. it's one of my all-time favorite things. plus, i have to bake a cake for a double baby shower (a friend of mine commissioned me), and the baking and decorating of said cake has to take place sometime before saturday late morning. i have lots to do in the next 24 hours. i'd like to get on with it.

right now, i really should be doing some laundry, cooking dinner, and washing leftover dishes from the other night, but can i be honest? i don't feel like lifting a finger. i'm just tired. the sickness that took over my life just over three months ago has yet to fully disengage, and while i'm in no way coughing up my lungs anymore, i'm worn out, still a little congested, and generally blotchy and feel that i'm not putting my best face forward quite yet.

and, i guess, then, that i really shouldn't be surprised that i feel a general lack of peace in my life right now. i was having a rather frank discussion with God about this on my way home from work, and i heard myself pouring out all kinds of fears and questions and doubts and statements about what i know is true and what i know isn't. at first, i had this instinct to censor myself, but then i realized that what i actually needed was to NOT censor myself - to get it all out, let it be whatever it will be. besides, none of this is news to God, and to me, it's just clogging me up.

and then it began to occur to me that maybe the reason the sickness hasn't fully let go of me is because i haven't fully let go of it....such a parallel to some other things in my life that i'm having a bit of a hard time laying down and walking away from.

ugh.

well, as with everything else, it has to come bit by bit. i want to let it go, though. let it ALL go....the summer, the doubts, the wrong turns, the phantom illness. let autumn come so i can wrap myself in something new...something warm and comforting...a different season, more questions, better answers....

in memoriam

for the past 3 years, i haven't written 9/11-related posts, mostly because i felt my thoughts had reached the point of being trite, and who really needs one more cheesy sentiment about such a tragic event?

well, you'll pardon any cheese, i'm sure. today i have some thoughts....

this day (and, more importantly, that day) has been heavily on my mind for the better part of two months, and there has been a growing pit in my stomach for weeks now at the knowledge that today would come and all the old feelings and fears would creep back in for me and so many other people. i'm not kidding when i say that i think i have a bit of ptsd (posttraumatic stress disorder) from september 11, 2001. every time i spend more than about 10 seconds thinking about it, my eyes well up and i'm right back there in the midst of the fear and confusion i felt that tuesday 5 years ago.

it's true: i didn't lose anyone i love on that day. i didn't witness first-hand anything blowing up...didn't run from a burning building or save anyone's life or lose a job or a home or anything. but something inside of me broke apart that day, and it's never really been mended.

when i turned toward DC and looked out my office window that morning...and saw the smoke billowing into the blue sky from the pentagon, such a fear rose up within my heart...such terror and sadness intermingled. and from that point on, and for days afterward, i couldn't stop crying...and then again and again every time the news showed the planes crashing into the buildings...every time a low-flying aircraft zoomed overhead...every time i thought about those thousands of people and how much more terror they experienced than me. i cry still when i think about it. i'm crying even now.

today i sat at work, zombified, reeling inside from all that happened that day. i still can't shake the feelings, the memories. and i simply cannot get over the fact that so many people lost their lives and left behind so many to mourn and relive the tragedy of their deaths on a daily basis.

a part of me is glad that i feel so deeply what happened on september 11, because i'd hate to think that my heart would ever be hardened to what happened that day. and i'm humbled that everyone i adore is present and accounted for...that i don't have to sort through mountains of grief and anger to try and make sense of my daily life. my hope is that we as a nation will never allow the severity of that day to fall away from us. may we never be glib. may we never treat the murder of nearly 3,000 people as just another day to go to starbucks and get a frappuccino.

tomorrow it won't be 9/11 anymore, and for that, i'm really quite thankful. but while it is today, let it be said that as a citizen of this country...as a human being...i remember all of you...i saw what happened. i won't forget. and if i have to be a little sad every day for the rest of my life, it's a small price to pay. at least i'm still here to stand up and be counted with those who will not let this day go unnoticed. and with my tears, i honor all of you.

yin and yang, so to speak

before i go out for the day to live my life, i want to say one thing: i have been sitting here evaluating my current situation for the last few weeks, and i've come to some conclusions. unfortunately, some of these are rather personal and, therefore, i cannot share them here. what's the point in me saying this, then? perhaps it's to remind ME when i come back by this post (which, inevitably, i will) that on saturday, september 9, 2006, i knew what it was that i wanted to do in this season of my life...and, of equal importance, what i didn't want to do.

you cannot—i have learned—look at just one side of a coin if you're going to truly understand the coin itself. examine everything—all parts of each situation—and that will yield the most well-thought-out response. i think that, too often in life, we are so intent upon making a decision that feels good that we fail to acknowledge that there will be some sides to the story that feel so much less than that. but it's okay. that's part of life. the bitter comes with the sweet and helps you appreciate it all the more. it's more real that way anyway. without tragedy, pain, loss, loneliness, how would we really understand the fullness of joy, the richness of love, the beauty of forgiveness and discovery and companionship?

i'm getting way too philosophical for a saturday afternoon. suffice it to say i have flipped the coin over, inspected it thoroughly, and made some decisions accordingly. and come what may, acting on those decisions has got to be better than just sitting here writing about them. that's the catch, really. after you inspect both sides of the coin, go out and spend it on the right thing. and i intend to....

if you've got more legs than i do, you are not welcome in my home....

so, tonight i realized that i have a double bug bite on my upper thigh. no wonder it's been itching like crazy for the last two days. but also, what bug got that far up my pants leg to bite me, not once, but TWICE? either way, stuff like that disturbs me, i think, because of a minor incident that occurred in elementary school involving a cricket that had apparently crawled up the leg of my pants. when i reached down to scratch my leg, i lifted the fabric and the large bug ran down my leg and onto the floor. needless to say, i was traumatized and ever after, the thought of a bug being up my drawers makes me crazy.

and speaking of bugs, when i got home from the gym, there was some type of shimmery water bug on the wall of my bedroom. now, truth be told, i live nowhere near any water, so i couldn't help but wonder where said bug came from. i'm sure i don't have to tell you that i wasted no time grabbing my handy dirt devil so i could suck that critter off the ceiling faster than you can say 'insect intruder.' i hope he's having fun mingling with the dustbunnies. good riddance.

meanwhile, my skin is crawling and i'm on a serious search for the hydrocortisone cream. must. not. scratch. the. itch.

full

what a great weekend this has been! saturday i spent a good portion of the morning baking a blueberry-lemon cake with white chocolate-cream cheese icing that i took to salimah's for a get-together that she had with 10 friends. we all went out to sammy's trattoria on charles street - FANTASTIC food, great atmosphere, lovely decor. we all stuffed ourselves silly on delightful fare and then rolled back to salimah's pad for the cake, some coffee and liquor, early birthday presents, and light conversation.

sunday afternoon, i met back up with her and we watched movies for awhile and then went out to target so she could pick up a new lamp (birthday gift card booty!) and i got an excellent, very soft brown purse (salimah bought). afterwards, we got a snack and some cocktails at tony roma's and then made our way back home for bed.

early this morning, we got up and salimah opened her birthday presents from me--some coffee paraphernalia, a new kitchen clock, a magnetic photo board for the fridge, some jewelry, and a set of bath gels. then we watched another movie and headed out to kohl's for more shopping (she got a bunch of fall clothes and a new purse) before meeting up with her mom (and friend) for dinner at the bonefish grill (quite yums as usual).

so now i'm back home, feeling sated and so glad that my best friend's birthday was much better than last year's....

salimah, you are a phenomenal woman, getting more and more beautiful (inside and out) every year. i cannot wait to see what happens in your life over the next 365 days, and i feel privileged to be along for the ride....

happiest of birthdays, my dear. i hope that you are filled to overflowing with how much you are known, loved, and prized. here's to your 34th year!! onward and upward....

one year

it was a thursday night and we were in the middle of an all-too-frequently-happening-lately argument. you looked at me without any emotion and told me that you didn't care enough to work on the relationship anymore. to be honest, i thought you had lost your mind. i mean, really. i had heard of this happening: a friend's boyfriend once had a psychotic split, completely shut down from her, left home, and wound up 30 miles away wandering around an access road at the airport. i wondered if the look on your face was indicating that something inside of you had turned like that.

the next 24 hours were a complete haze. in fact, whole days disappeared from me; i didn't sleep. couldn't eat. i didn't know what to think or how to feel or what to say to anyone - about anything. i was confused and sad and a million other things. i wrote cryptic blog posts about my heart being broken. i felt broken. i was broken.

but then in the midst of that breaking - mostly in the shower, where all truly important things have occurred to me - God revealed something to me: i was all right. i was good. i had already come so much farther than even i knew. and furthermore, He wanted more for me than what our relationship had become in my life. heck, if i was being honest with myself, i wanted more, too.

and with each week that passed, more of me got put back together but now the pieces fit together differently, and the emerging product was me, but a new version....better....more true to form.

some days i regret you; other days i don't know how to feel. this is one of those days. mixed emotions are what define my looking back. but overall, i'm not sorry. not in the least. i had to be where we were to get to where i am now. and, for as much as i loved you - which was a lot - i feared it would always be me walking two or three or more steps ahead of you...always being the one to save you...always being the one to prop you up when you 'couldn't handle' things. now, i just feel relief that i'll never have to know for sure.

so, maybe someday i'll thank you for leaving, for giving me a chance at actually being loved in a way that means forever, for giving someone else the opportunity to appreciate the things about me that you never seemed to see, for helping me to know what i don't deserve - but more importantly what i do. maybe i'll sit down and write you a letter and say all of this to you.

then again, maybe i just did.

will you?

what i find incredibly interesting these days are the ways in which people traverse in and out of my life. some of them have a layover only for a few minutes, but i know they'll be back again on the next trip through town. some people barely get off the train...just wave from the window...let me see their faces and then keep on their journeys. others seem to have followed a one-way street (at least for now) straight to my door.

it's hard not to make assumptions...predictions...about how long people will stay once they arrive, but i'm really striving not to. i mean, there is at least one person whom i feel will be in my life forever, but even that is hard to fathom some days. the only constant in my life (and, i would wager, in the lives of many) is how little things stay the same.

i'm sure that something will happen any minute now to get my mind onto a different track, but for now, i'm thinking about you... and you....and YOU....and you over there, and i'm wondering if i'll see your faces again. if not, that's okay, really...or at least it'll need to be okay...but you can't blame me for wondering.

oh, and if you (you, YOU, you over there) ever trip over this entry and wonder if i'm talking about you, i guess you'll never really know, now will you?

solitary refinement

with the exception of a brief foray out into the world yesterday morning, i spent the entire day at home just chillin with my bad self. i have to say that sometimes, though, i could do better. like, for instance, i seem to have a very hard time motivating myself to get things done around the house, no matter how badly they need doing. and really, the biggest reason for this is that it's just me living here. who cares if i let the dishes sit for an extra day? who cares if there are cookbooks lying on the floor of the living room? who cares that i haven't emptied the trash in my bedroom yet this week?

well, to be honest, i'm starting to care.

i think i need a priority makeover. no, i know i need one. since when did it become okay to let certain important things fall by the wayside in favor of largely meaningless endeavors? ugh. this isn't my preference in the least.

so, clearly, i need to get all taskmaster on myself and just DO what i need to do, for crying out loud. i always feel so much better once i do my chores, and they really don't require THAT much effort, truth be told.

okay, that settles it. for the next 2 hours, i'm going to put forth major effort to accomplish some things i want to accomplish. stop where i am, pivot, and walk that-a-way. good decision.

early this morning, i dreamt that the singer seal (or someone who looked suspiciously like him) was my brother, about to leave town for some extended period of time. before he walked out the door, he came over to me, took my face in his hand, pressed his forehead against mine, looked deep into my eyes and whispered, 'always need me.'

i don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out that dream had NOTHING to do with seal....

God, i think you're whispering again. my ears are open....

i have an announcement to make:

*drum roll*

(cue cheesy fake horn 'ta-da' sound)

i'm officially addicted to unsweetened, fresh brewed iced tea with lemon. i want it all the time. i order it whenever i go out to any type of food and/or beverage establishment. heck, sometimes i even plan my day around being able to procure it. it's a problem, i know....

wait....or is it?

i mean, it has no calories, less caffeine than coffee (and frankly, i wouldn't mind if it were decaf or even herbal tea - i'm that committed), and it makes me happy. is that a bad thing? i mean, really.

no, see, what's bad is that yesterday i ate french fries AND a pre-packaged ice cream treat, all before 4 p.m. not today, though. today i was rather good and even got a veggie powerhouse sandwich when i went out for lunch with some of the girlz from work (WITH an unsweetened iced tea, of course!!).

okay, so i've just confessed my addiction, admitted my pseudo-shame, and then rationalized my way through it. i don't know about you, but that wore me out, so now i'm going to seek some dinner.

happy friday!

okay, i take it all back

the air conditioner broke AGAIN, and for the last 3-4 hours, it's been super duper hot in my apartment:(. the maintenance man is checking to see if he has a motor in the shop, because apparently my fan needs to be replaced (or something like that). he commented, 'it's way too hot in here,' to which i heartily nodded, mentioned my asthma, and then gave him a hopeful look before he ran out the door to check on the part.

i'm not sure exactly what i'm going to do if he doesn't have what he needs, but suffice it to say i'm miserable and in no frame of mind to cook dinner or turn any lights on. lights=heat, people. see how science-oriented i am?

stay tuned....

it's okay now....

you can breathe a huge sigh of relief along with me. the maintenance man saved my life....came over here quick, fast, and in a hurry, worked his magic on my a/c unit, and now, the sweet bliss-filled cool air is pumping through my apartment once again.

which is a particularly good thing, because i've got the dryer on load #2 and i need to put something in the oven soon. there's just no good time in the summer to be losing your cool.

i did manage to make some bulgar wheat with seared veggies, fresh tomatoes, olives, lots of fresh parsley, and some goat cheese, all tossed in a light balsamic vinaigrette. gotta say - delish.

now i'm off to watch a dvd and work on a project i've been putting off for the better part of the last year (at least this is what i think i'll be doing - we'll see if it pans out). wish me luck!

my apologies to nelly, but seriously, it's getting hot in here....

about 40 minutes ago, i started noticing that i wasn't feeling nearly as cool as i had been when i woke up this morning. furthermore, i heard some seriously loud noises coming from outside. it may have been mowers or, as i now am wondering, it may have been my a/c unit DYING A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH.

i'm sure i don't need to inform any of the local readers of this blog that it's rather warm outside right now...and getting warmer by the moment....not to mention the fact that i'm on the third (top) floor, and i'm sure i don't have to explain basic science principles to y'all, but to break it down, heat rises, people.

ugh. i already put in a call to my emergency maintenance line and informed them of the problem...and of my asthma/allergy situation. one of the maintenance peops called me back and said that once he deals with someone else's a/c unit, he'll come to check mine out. i'm just praying that it's fixable. if i have to sleep for a night without a/c, it's not gonna be good....

creamy polenta to the rescue

i had such a long day, it's almost impossible to explain. i mean, it was as if there were periods during which i could feel the rotation of the earth. it was dragging THAT slowly.

BUT, it's over now, and i ended my day with a delightful fluorish...dinner at donna's with salimah. more specifically, we both had veal scaloppine over creamy polenta with roasted tomatoes and garlic spinach sauteed with pine nuts and golden raisins. delish!

and even more than the food, my delight came in sitting across the table from someone with whom i don't have to explain anything. not how long my day was, or how i don't know what i'm doing with my life, or how i don't know how to feel about this person or that person - none of it. i'm just me, and she's just her, and there is so much context, words are often dispensable to our interactions. sure, the polenta went down nice, but that kind of knowing is the TRUE comfort....

it's saturday morning and i'm sitting at my desk looking out the window. i just ate a peanut butter cookie that i got yesterday from a cafe near work. in a few minutes, i'll be talking to a girl whom i'm helping write/revamp her resume. by the way, if any of you out in the world need resume services, i'm available (and my rates are reasonable).

this is the season of freelance work for me, i hope. i'm greatly in need of funding for my existence (a.k.a. project 'make ends meet'), and i'm trying to scrounge around for any editing work i can get on top of my 40-hour-per-week job. oy vey. this so isn't what i hoped for myself at this point. but, in the grand tradition of my family, i will brace myself against the oncoming current and push headlong through this situation until i come out on the other side. no use bellyaching; as ever, it is what it is.

i'm actually rather excited about this weekend. i have no actual plans, other than some work that i got yesterday afternoon (again, it's all about the extra cash). i won't get to see my beloved salimah, in all likelihood, but i cherish the thought of not having to leave my apartment if i don't want to. i plan on napping to my heart's content, watching a few movies, and enjoying some delicious peaches, blueberries, and strawberries i picked up at wegman's the other day.

life feels a bit lovely just now. lovely weather. lovely phone calls. lovely plans.

capture


the day i took this picture, i was hurting. my throat felt raw with sick, my lungs were wheezing (i am now convinced i had pneumonia, which is why i am still not better), and i was worn out. but my soul felt at peace...calm...and there was no question in my mind that i was going to take my weary self and climb the path up the side of this mountain to see a waterfall. the photo doesn't do it justice -- the view through the trees was unbelievably beautiful: the mist hanging on the mountains, the water in the distance, the sun intermingling with clouds. it was a metaphor that day for my own restless self...the light of truth mixed in with all the unanswered questions, the fumbling prayers. i needed to capture an image of me from the inside. this is one that says it best.

it's been over a month since i was in that place, but every day, i miss it still. i know i'm going to long for it until i can go back there again. sick or no, it was the best vacation i've ever taken...the most necessary one at that. and i was allowing the sadness that had been hanging around me for the month prior to just drift out the open windows of my car...around every turn in the road up the mountain, i let go more and more of what was (or might have been) and began to embrace the moment, the possibility of another day, the truth of what is...what always will be.

asheville, i miss you....promise me it won't be too long till we meet again....

baking whimsy

for the first time in a LONG time, i got out my mixing bowls, my whisk, and a collection of ingredients and created some food magic....specifically, a blueberry clafouti (some of which i had for breakfast) and some truly yummy cookies that intend to pack up and send several of as a gift. in between these activities, i did laundry, vacuumed, watched a little tv, and generally bummed around. and of course, i've been sporting my baking wear: comfy clothes, flip flops, an apron, and a bandana to keep the hair out of the way (and because i love to look street, of course)....

i feel more centered now. more ready to start the week. and a few of my coworkers - who have been bugging me about the lack of baked goods - will be rather happy tomorrow when i show up with sweet treats:).

john legend is working it out in the background. this is all very smooth business. makes me want to drink a cocktail and lounge about. sounds like a good idea, actually....

later on, peops....

the other night i wrote a poem about blowing my nose. i'm not even joking about this. i was so frustrated with the sneezing, the blowing, the running, the stuffiness (i'm now nearly 9 weeks out from the start of this mayhem), i felt that something HAD to give. apparently, all that gave was some words onto a page. oh well. i should be thankful for the creative bug whenever it bites, right?

speaking of creativity, i've decided that mine is being generally blocked by a build-up of nervous tension and a lack of exercise. i have, therefore, decided that i shall be going back to the gym within the next day or so. i need to get good and exhausted in the way that only an hour-long workout can yield. if it weren't for the sincerely choking heat, i might even consider a few walks around the building during the day, but as it stands, no siree.

i probably shouldn't admit this, but i'm feeling a little happy right about now, and i just had to tell someone.

so now you know:).

i can't think of a more original title for this than tuesday

i barely slept last night. i mean, really, i think i was lucky if i got three hours. and i kept having coughing fits. this heat - even though i haven't been out in it for 2 days - is the worst.

so sunday, i went to whole foods to pick up a few little tidbits, and i decided to procure some vitamin C and probiotics to try and combat the nasty effects of all the medicine i've been on. unfortunately, i was hot and exhausted and light-headed, and seeing all those little bottles with lots of writing on them wasn't helping me. so i wandered around kind of whimpering to myself until this rather lovely man came up to me and said, 'do you need me?'

i told him that i thanked God he had shown up - that i was pretty much lost without him in this area of the store. in fact, i kept mumbling 'all the writing, so many bottles. i just don't even know.' he looked a little concerned that i might be crazy and/or unwell, but i assured him that i was simply under the weather and a little faint but that all was good....

so thus began a rather brief but intense relationship involving us touring the aisles a bit and his explaining to me the health benefits of a variety of items. i managed to score some enteric-coated probiotics and vitamin C with bioflavonoids, as well as a bevy of knowledge about other things (most of which i've, sadly, now forgotten).

when i tried to walk away, he pulled out the stops with the multivitamins, but i let him know that things were a-ok with me for now, and i'd be back - perhaps - later to get some other things....oh, and that i hoped he'd be there to answer my questions. i thanked him about 30 times and then pulled myself away. he looked a little bummed....

ah well. it's always nice to feel valued, even if only for a moment....

oh, and 'happy' august, everyone. it's hot as a mutha outside....